Far From Home - Chapter 32: Chapter 32

Late November
The door was rough against Jake's back, but he couldn't feel it anymore.
His shoulders dug into the cold surface behind him, but Connor's hand pushed him back into it and he knew better than to do anything but stay exactly where he was. He was glad his t-shirt had been discarded the minute they walked through the door because it now made it every bit easier to feel Connor's fingers tracing down his chest while he pressed kisses into his exposed collar bone, each one deeper than the last. Jake wasn't stupid—he knew Connor would leave his neck covered in bruised reminders of how much he had enjoyed his company every chance he got, but Jake had told him no once upon a time, and despite all Connor's best wishes, he listened. Today, Jake called that off. 'Nothing visible,' he had said, and Connor was careful to be on his best behavior until he left Jake's neck.
But then he kissed him hard and it made Jake curl his fingers into the back of Connor's hair.
Fuck.
His whole body leaned into the touch like his life source depended on it.
Connor's hands were firm when they reached his hips, pushing him back into the door to hold him still. How he could be so calm and composed, Jake didn't know. He felt like flying and dying all at the same time. But Connor was a constant—the drag of lips across his torso, the hair between his fingers, and the stable hold of someone worth surrendering to. His touch kept him grounded just as much as it did the opposite.
It drove him fucking crazy.
"Connor..." He whispered to grab Connor's attention before he lost all touch of himself.
"Hm?" Connor hummed as he kissed back up his neck, gentle despite how much he wanted to be the opposite.
"Fucking kiss me already."
Jake could feel the teeth of Connor's smile against the skin below his ear. "I am."
You little shit, you know what I mean.
He didn't feel like being patient anymore. Jake curled his fingers into Connor's hair and tugged him to his face to meet their lips together for the first time since they got back. It had been a test of sorts, to see how long Jake could go without touching Connor back at all. Normally he would have been okay with letting Connor explore on his own, staying out of his way just like he wanted, but this time was different. Connor knew this time was different, so he let Jake pull him whichever way he wanted to, which right now was as far into the door with him as possible.
There was something hungry in the way Jake's body longed to find him. It didn't stop when Connor's air was his own or his skin felt impossibly close to burning him on the spot. Connor's hands tried to pin him back against the door, but for the first time, that force wasn't enough. It took the steady push of Connor's hips against his own to finally still him enough to where he could handle his own lust as it tore through his body. Even then, it wasn't out of some satisfied subordination, it was just that he didn't know how to handle the rush that flooded his senses leaving him breathless against the door, his jaw becoming slack from the ever-growing arousal he should have been ashamed of, but couldn't presently be bothered about.
Fuck.
Connor's teeth caught his bottom lip and Jake moaned into the dull bite it left behind. It should have embarrassed him to know such a desperate noise escaped his mouth, but Connor didn't tease him about it, and Jake didn't give it half a thought past how the pressure of Connor's thighs against his own made him want to do it again. Connor's hands moved from the sides of his waist inwards, and if Jake didn't know where they were going, he might have reached down to put them back on his hips. Two of Connor's fingers slipped under the waistband of his jeans, so slowly Jake thought minutes had passed by the time they pulled him in with a single tug and a question.
"Can I?"
Yes. His brain screamed yes, but couldn't find the words.
God Connor, can't you read my mind?
Frustrated, he kissed Connor, but that was never an answer. Not the kind of answer he was looking for. Connor deepened his kiss to send Jake's head back into the door and then pulled away enough to put inches between them.
"Mmm... it's a yes or no, Jake."
A thousand times yes. Yes. Absolutely. Positively. Hell yes. Yes, please.
Jake rolled his head over on the door.
"Yes." He finally mumbled when he was able to find a voice. "Yes, fuck."
Connor kissed him again while he was still capable of breathing.
His hands were nothing new to Jake. He knew what each one of Connor's touches felt like—which ones asked questions, which ones held answers, which ones wanted to guide him, and which ones wanted to hold him back. But while Connor always moved slowly, with such gentle precision that Jake often enjoyed through the thin shroud of patience he allowed himself, today Jake thought he had never moved slower. It was every bit of accidental agony, but he wouldn't dare tell Connor and risk coming off as 'touch starved' again.
Okay, maybe I'm a little touch starved.
When Connor had finally managed to work his jeans down to somewhere less uncomfortable, Jake felt like begging. He didn't realize he had tightened his grip on Connor's hair, but the hard kiss that came to steal his breath away was a note that Connor had noticed it even when Jake's mind had reached a point where it couldn't. Finally, after what felt like hours waiting to feel his touch, Connor's hand had reached underneath the last remaining fabric that separated them and the sensation sent Jake's head back into the door.
It shouldn't have been so striking, but the feeling of Connor's fingers grabbing ahold of him in a new way took his breath from his lips before Connor was able to steal it with a kiss. Holy fuck. The one time Jake had touched himself never felt like this. It felt like guilt and self-loathing and some sickening feeling of doubt, but Jake didn't doubt what he was feeling now. Doubt was some far off concept that Jake's brain couldn't recall right now if it tried. Connor's hand pushing further down cut off his ability to recall anything but the new feeling that burned through him when it slid back up doused in his own arousal.
Jake fought his lips back from Connor's for only a moment to catch his breath, but was betrayed by the desperate pants that left them instead.
"Fuck, Connor."
"Shh..." He smiled against Jake's lips. "Doors are thin, sunshine."
Shit.
"I don't care." He whispered before the steady pace of Connor's hand sped up, hitching his breath in his throat.
"Yes, you do."
Yes, he did. Connor knew how easily embarrassed Jake would be if anyone else in this hall knew the pitiful state of his body against the door right now. Half of him wondered if anyone had passed by since they had gotten back. If anyone could tell—despite how quiet he had been so far—or if the door seemed just the same as it did any other day, nothing worth paying attention to and nothing worth asking about. Some sick part of him hoped someone would hear him and the other wanted to seal his own mouth shut to save himself the trouble of his own autonomy.
Get your fucking shit together.
That was impossible. He moaned despite his own self-interest and Connor was quick to cut it off with the firm press of his mouth against Jake's. It didn't make it go away, but it muffled it to the point of being barely distinguishable from the other pants that left his mouth. He's doing damage control for me. How considerate.
"Try using your hands instead." Connor whispered into his ear. "A lot quieter."
"Mmm." Jake nodded, sealing his lips shut before they failed him again.
It was hard, but Jake ended up keeping down the next indecent noise that tried to climb up his throat. He pulled Connor's hair a lot harder than he meant to, but it just made Connor smile into a kiss along his jaw that might have been a bite Jake couldn't feel through the buzz of his senses elsewhere. Shit, I'm so gone.
Relax. He had to talk himself down before his knuckles turned white. Don't hurt him.
Jake pried away from Connor's hair to find somewhere else to go. It was as much for Connor's sake as it was his own. His fingers wandered along Connor's chest, stopping every so often when the feeling of Connor's grip came a little too close to the edge of something impossibly euphoric. He dug his fingers into the soft fabric of the long-sleeve shirt Connor hadn't bothered to take off after his flannel, and for the first time he was glad he couldn't feel Connor's skin because it might have made him feel guilty for the marks he would have left there.
With his mind in a haze, he hadn't realized how low his hands had gone, but Connor did immediately. It came with the hitch of his breath in Jake's ear that he would have been a fool not to notice. He didn't mean to curl his fingers into the waist of Connor's jeans, but they were there and Jake could feel the tight pull of fabric underneath from where Connor was just as hard as he was, although less bothered by that feeling somehow. Jake might have been envious of his restraint, but Connor's had slowed down and it was all Jake could do not to beg for the feeling to return.
Connor's other hand pried both of Jake's away from his waist one by one.
"Not there, okay?" He mumbled low into Jake's ear.
Fuck, sorry. I'm sorry. God, come on, Jake.
"Sor–"
Connor cut him off with another kiss.
Jake's hands returned back to Connor's hair, and with it came the kinetic touch that was so close to bringing him to the edge like a reward for making a good choice. He hated how much he liked it. It was a grip that held him back from a cliff's edge, but gave him the rope in case he fell. It was taunting in nature, telling him he was just a second too slow to catch the train his rationality rode off on. It was nothing like he had ever experienced before, and it demanded to be felt in its entirety. Jake wanted to feel it.
It was so fucking close.
"Con–"
Words were so far from his reach it hurt to grasp at them.
Fuck.
Please.
His breath hitched in his throat as if Connor could read his mind. It was as simple as a single move, but it sent him reeling over the edge faster than he could have ever imagined giving himself over. The world was somewhere else—a distant feeling that lingered at his fingertips as they dug through Connor's hair, trying to hold on to anything that could keep him grounded. He felt nothing and everything at the same time, every inch of his body consumed in something euphoric that didn't seem possible or human. His jaw fell slack like the rest of the body that prayed Connor would hold him still. Nothing was real. Shit this can't be real.
Holy fuck.
It washed over him like a wave—all consuming at first, rendering him completely helpless to his own body, riding him out until he came close enough to shore to let him put his feet in the sand and stumble back to his own devices. When his mind caught up to his body, he rushed air into his lungs after being under for so long, hoping to find something to pull him back to the world he left behind. His breath shuttered, trying to find ways in and out of the lips that trembled from the feeling of ecstasy that rendered them useless against Connor's.
"You okay?"
Every one of Connor's touches fell still as he placed a gentle kiss into Jake's cheek so he could breathe. Jake felt like he was shaking. He didn't know if he was, but damned if he didn't feel like he had just done a couple shots of espresso and tried to run a marathon. Coming down after feeling something that strong was going to be the hardest part, and he didn't even know where to start.
"Fucking great." He still managed to mumble through the voice he had started to get back.
Opening his eyes was a difficult feat, but eventually he blinked his way back to consciousness, taking stock of the dark room in front of him and all the things he had thrown down on the floor in desperation—his jacket, his sweatshirt, his backpack, his Converse. Cleaning up would be something a version of Jake who wasn't strung out on whatever-the-hell kind of high this was could deal with. Right now he just needed to focus on feeling again.
The first feeling he caught was the tense grip of his fingers where they were curled in Connor's hair. He hadn't noticed how hard he had clenched his hands or how long they had stayed in that position, but it was likely what made Connor question if he was okay to begin with. Fuck. Fuck, sorry.
He smoothed his fingers back through Connor's hair in an attempt to sort it back into place.
"Jesus, I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?"
"Not even close."
He moved both of his hands out onto Jake's torso, one instantly making Jake flinch more than the other. The aftermath of his own unraveling was sticky on Connor's hand, and even more so over his chest as Connor dragged over it. He wore a wicked grin like he knew exactly what he was doing and Jake wanted to make him regret it, but he was in no state to do anything.
"You asshole." He hissed out, trying to chase Connor's lips for a kiss, but missing them by a landslide.
"Mmm..." Connor smiled. "Yeah."
He kissed Jake like he had their very first time. It was soft and gentle and over much too soon, but it was exactly what Jake could handle. Jake found his hands on both sides of Connor's jaw, nerves tingling for relief in touches that felt like nothing when he had just felt everything all at once. They stayed there for far too long, holding Connor just far enough away to look into his eyes, to find something real and lose himself in it.
"Connor?"
His name fell from Jake's lips like an oath he swore to keep.
It was returned with an eyebrow raise to continue talking.
"Do you–" Jake looked down, but tried not to let his gaze linger for too long. "Can I–"
"No." Connor swallowed, his eyes darting away from where Jake held them.
"Are you sure? I don't want you to feel like I–"
"Back to overthinking already?" He tried to cut him off with a witty comment, but Jake saw right through the smile he faked to try to be convincing. "Do I need to find more inventive ways to distract you?"
Why are you avoiding the question?
It left Jake quiet... too quiet. Connor's snark faded just as quickly as he faked it, and with it came a sobering look of something Jake had seen before. Jake didn't know what Connor was afraid of, but he prayed to God it wasn't him. Apathy was a feeling Connor traded for letting his guard down, but the walls were cracked and Jake could see through them like a window into his own soul.
Eager to move on, Connor kissed him, and for once Jake wished he hadn't.
He wanted to know what the hesitancy written in his brow meant. He wanted to know what Connor was scared of and what he could do to fix it. He wanted Connor to feel safe, but some odd twinge of guilt in the bottom of his heart convinced him that somehow he didn't and it was no one's fault but his own. Do you not trust me?
"You need a shower." Connor pulled his hands off Jake's chest and looked at him with a smirk.
"You gonna join me?" Jake smiled to humor him.
"Tempting..." His eyes drifted down. "But, no."
"Your loss."
Connor shook his head like Jake's commentary had annoyed him but his flaring smile said the exact opposite.
"You're insufferable."
Jake cocked an eyebrow to piss him off. "Didn't seem like that's how you felt a couple minutes ago."
"I think you're mistaking my thoughts for yours."
It didn't take long for Jake to find his hand grabbing ahold of Connor's jaw to pull him back towards his face. It was a one-handed action that was as rough as it was gentle, and for a minute Jake thought it might have crossed one of Connor's lines. Connor, however, must have practiced with massive amounts of restraint because it didn't seem to faze him one bit.
Jake pulled his lips in just inches away from his own and whispered as smooth as he could with the raspy voice he was still trying to get under wraps. "You're amazing."
Connor smiled, but he fought it down. "You're high."
"Then I'll tell you again in the morning." Jake watched the soft glow of his eyes. "You are fucking amazing, Connor Morgan."
"You... need a fucking shower, Jake Holmes."
"Fuck off." Jake laughed, but Connor didn't laugh with him.
He was caught up in Jake's eyes, smiling at whatever he saw in them that Jake was never able to see. Even if he wouldn't admit it, Connor felt something when he said it. It was the subtle way the tension in his brow released and the corners of his mouth stopped fighting so hard to stay down. Adoration Jake had named it when he had seen it on Connor before. The way he watched Jake when he thought he wouldn't be caught.
Connor had been caught this time, but Jake would have been a fool to tell him.
He kissed him instead—once, short and sweet. At the end, he released Connor's jaw back to its own devices and maneuvered his sore shoulders away from the door he had been pressed against since the moment they walked in the room. With no further complaints, he grabbed his things for a shower and decided on how much time he was going to waste letting the water wash over him aimlessly just so Connor could have a minute to himself.