Far From Home - Chapter 34: Chapter 34

Late-November
Andre came home from a week spent with his family in Cincinnati on Sunday night—the last night before finals week. The RA had told the floor before the majority of them left for Thanksgiving that the week after finals was the last week they could stay in the dorms until they opened again in January for spring semester. However badly Jake wanted finals to be over after he had neglected to take any of his studying seriously over the past week, he wanted even less to be faced with the reality of going home. There were still two weeks left in peace, but Jake counted down each day like a death sentence, failing to enjoy any of them when all he could think about was the town he would be going back to after he had finally been comfortable enough here to live his life without panic.
It was a kind of torture that Jake hadn't felt before. The last time he had wanted so badly not to go home, it was because he knew what awaited him when he got there. Maybe this time it was the same, but he would never know exactly how because he had spent the last three months as far away from it as he could reasonably be. He hadn't done anything explicitly wrong this time, but something about it felt so much worse. At least then he could predict what would happen, now it would be like stumbling in blind and hoping someone didn't stab him in the back the second he walked through the door.
Nothing about it got any easier the more he thought about it.
Not even when Aaron called to talk him into it.
Jake stared at where Andre was unpacking his bag into his closet as Aaron rambled on and on about something stupid that happened at work through the phone that Jake had laid on his face with as minimal effort as humanly possible.
"We haven't had time to finish the bedroom with all this fuckin' shit goin' on. I'd sell my kidney to get a week off at this point."
"Welcome to adulthood, princess." Jake smiled.
"Yeah, yeah. You're one to talk... you're just prolonging your adulthood."
"Mmm, you might be right about that."
Aaron was, without a doubt, right about that. Jake was just surprised he knew what the word 'prolonging' meant.
"Did you guys do Thanksgiving?" He sighed.
"Nah, we just went to our family things and called it a day." Aaron grumbled. "Kath didn't want to do it without you and Kenna."
"Where was Ken?" Jake squinted in confusion.
"I don't know. Kath says she's not havin' a good time. Something about your parents or some shit..."
Damn.
"I haven't talked to her in a minute. I probably should."
"Yeah no shit, man." His best friend sighed.
Jake knew that sigh anywhere. He knew Aaron was tired. Not just today after a hard day at work, but with life. There wasn't anything he could do about it, but a part of him felt guilty for not being right there beside Aaron like he had been in the past when things got a little too tough. It felt the same as abandoning his sister to all of his old responsibilities. Just because Jake didn't deserve them, didn't mean that his sister did, she was just next in line to take the burden. Aaron needed that unspoken support through a spontaneous trip to get food, or a late night spent playing video games, but Jake was in no place to give that to him. Both of them needed him, but he couldn't help either of them.
"You think you'll do something for Christmas?" He mumbled into the phone.
"My mom says I have to spend the night at home, so probably not. I think Kath's family is tryin' to go out of town, but I don't know..." Aaron shifted the phone over in his hands. "What are you doing?"
"Still trying to figure that out." Jake stared at the blank wall above Andre's desk like it held any of the answers.
"Y'all allowed to stay there?"
"No. We have to be out by mid-December."
"Damn."
"Yeah, not looking forward to it."
He wasn't looking forward to a lot of things. Not the fake town niceties, the swath of people who wanted to ask him too many questions about how that first semester of college had gone, or the pretending that everything was fine and dandy. He didn't want to pretend at all. He had spent a lifetime pretending in that town, and somehow the thought of returning back to that after spending the last few months being the 'real Jake' was more disappointing than the guilt he felt to go back at all.
"You goin' home?" Aaron asked like it was one of many options on the table, not the only one Jake could see and spend hours dreading.
"Don't want to, but what choice do I have?"
"Shit man, I've been waitin' for you to ask." His best friend's spirits lifted.
"What?" Jake asked him like it was going to be another one of his stupid ideas.
"Come stay with us."
"You think Katherine wants another one of us around?"
"She never minded before. We used to stay together all the time... it would be just like the good old days."
When Jake smiled, he hadn't expected it. He shook his head in remembrance, but a part of him knew the 'good old days' were just that... old. This wasn't going to be everything Aaron thought it was cracked up to be, but Jake figured he'd humor his argument anyways.
"Y'all even got anywhere for me to sleep?"
"As a matter of fact, we have a guest bedroom, thank you very much."
"Do you now?" Jake tried to sound impressed. "You rich?"
"Hey these Anderson properties got a lot of space, they just ain't renovated much."
Jake had already heard the deal before when Katherine stole the phone to give Jake a house tour over FaceTime. The two of them had agreed to renovate the property while they lived there in exchange for lower rent. Somehow the Andersons trusted one of Hunter's irresponsible best friends and his eighteen year old girlfriend to be in charge of a property, and Jake never knew why, but so far they had actually put a lot of effort into making it worth their while. If Jake had been so intrigued by the idea of staying around town, he might have taken up that offer as well.
"You'd have to ask Kath, I'm not coming if she's not cool with it."
"Bullshit, she's fine."
"Aaron..." Jake warned. "Talk to Katherine, first."
"Alright, alright, whatever." Aaron retorted. "Better than stayin' with your damn dad."
"Fuck you. You know how it is."
"Just because I get it don't mean I think it's a good idea."
Of course it wasn't a good idea, but until two minutes ago, it was the only idea Jake had. He hadn't exactly figured out how to get around his father yet, but carrying the pocket knife Aaron had gotten him in the back pocket of his jeans at all hours of the day seemed like a great place to start—even if a part of him knew it wouldn't do him any good.
"I don't know what to expect." He came back honestly. "He didn't want me to leave and I did."
"You think he'll make you regret it?"
"I don't know, but I'm not looking forward to finding out."
"Then don't. Just come stay with me."
"Does my dad know where you live?" Jake hoped the curiosity he faked overrode the anxious nature of the question.
"I'm sure he does. The Andersons ain't exactly known for keeping their mouths shut."
Don't I know it.
He nodded reluctantly even when his friend couldn't see it. "Mmm."
"What's he gonna fuckin' do? Show up at my doorstep?" Aaron scoffed.
Jake wished he knew the answer.
"Maybe."
"Let him come." His best friend remained unbothered. "He lays a finger on you, I'll shoot his ass."
"Since when did you own a gun?"
"It was my eighteenth birthday present to myself." He said a little too proudly.
It made Jake want to roll his eyes.
Of course it fucking was.
"Do you even know how to use it?" Jake teased him in remembrance of his terrible shotgun aim in middle school. "Should I teach you when I come home?"
"Shut the fuck up, Holmes. I might just shoot you instead of your daddy for the hell of it."
"We're not shooting anyone, Aaron."
This got Andre to turn around from the closet with a speculative glare that almost made Jake laugh as he rolled his eyes for his roommate.
"It would've been worth it." Aaron grumbled.
"I'm sure you think so."
"Hey, I just told you I'd be willing to go to prison for you, you should be a little more grateful."
Jake was quick to mock him. "My knight in shining armor. How will I ever repay you?"
"By painting the bedroom when you come over."
"There it is." Jake clicked his tongue. "Knew you were going to drag me into that."
"Offer still stands for Connor to join you." Aaron would have shrugged if Jake could have seen him.
"We're not going down that road again..."
"No, I know... I figured it out anyways."
Jake would have laughed, but then Aaron would have felt the need to explain himself, and quite frankly, Jake didn't want to hear his best friend working through this logic for a second time.
"Good for you." He settled with instead.
"Not really. Katherine caught me tryin' to figure out what bottoming was."
Okay, Jake would make an exception. Aaron needed to explain this one.
"Really?" Jake tried to mask his amusement with faked concern. "Did she think it sounded like you?"
"What?! You've gotta be kidding me. I'm not doing that, no–"
"It seems like you've put some thought into it."
"Fuck off, Holmes. Nobody is stickin' anything up my ass."
He bit his cheek to stop himself from laughing. "Don't knock it 'til you've tried it, right?"
"So, you have?" Aaron's voice turned way too curious for comfort.
"Goddamnit, Aaron. No." Jake sighed. "We're not talking about this."
"You brought it up this time, not me!"
"Yep, and we're done. Moving on. What color is this bedroom going to be?"
"Um..." Aaron leaned away from the phone for a moment then came back. "Harbor Gray." He read off unenthused.
"Mmm. Fantastic." Jake returned with the same amount of enthusiasm.
"I know right. Your sister picked that one."
"Of course she did."
Aaron sighed. "Look man, I've gotta do some shit before Katherine gets home, but you better be serious about comin' to stay here."
Jake rolled over to lay on his back as he grabbed the phone with his hands.
"I will." He stared up at the ceiling. "If Kath says so."
"Like she'll need convincing." His friend scoffed.
"Just let me know, yeah?"
"Yeah. I'll text you later dipshit."
"Alright asshole. Don't get into any trouble before I get there."
"No promises." Aaron slipped out before he quickly ended the call, cutting off Jake's chance to retaliate.
Jake dropped the phone down onto his chest with an exasperated sigh.
"How's Cinci?" He mumbled, looking over to his roommate.
"Never a moment of silence in that damn house." Andre shook his head, tossing his backpack down next to his desk before he pulled out the chair to sit. "Got to meet the new foster placement though, he's chill."
Andre didn't talk about the kids in his foster family much, but Jake knew there were quite a few of them. It took Jake longer than it should have to realize Andre had been a foster child at all, and then after that, even longer to realize he hadn't just been to one house in his life, but many. The last one had adopted him when he was sixteen, but the group home he was in immediately before that was where he had met his girlfriend although they didn't date until they graduated high school together. Jake didn't know very much about his story because Andre wasn't one to surrender details to a 'stranger,' but the bits and pieces he'd gotten so far were enough for his career path to make a little bit more sense.
"What's his deal?"
"Dad got deported, and they can't find his mom."
"Shit." Jake sighed. "That's tough."
If there was one thing Jake could never have imagined, it was not having a family. His family had been a constant in his life even when he didn't want them there. Sure, they might not have been the best, but he considered himself lucky to know that at the end of the day he came home to the same bed, with the same people, and never had to worry about what he had to eat. From what he knew about Connor, that wasn't always the case. He couldn't help but wonder how Connor's experience with CPS had gone—if maybe he had been one of the foster kids Andre talked about at one point in time, even if just for a moment. Jake wanted to know what had happened, but he was almost too scared to ask.
It was likely nothing big if Connor ended back up with his mother, right?
"What did you do?" Andre shifted books on his desk to make room to plug his laptop back in.
"Not much. Just hung around here with Connor for most of it."
Jake didn't miss the sly smile Andre bit back as he nodded his head. "Right."
Not you teasing me too.
"You got finals?" Jake was quick to redirect.
"Two." His roommate gestured up his fingers. "Last one's on Friday, then I'm going home."
"Gotcha."
"How long are you staying?"
"As long as possible." Jake half-joked.
"Ah." Andre knocked out his knuckles on the desk like a door. "Not fond of home are you?"
His roommate couldn't see him, but Jake shrugged anyway for his own comfort. "It's complicated."
"Unresolved childhood trauma." He motioned out his two fingers in thought with a voice that felt like giving an answer to a trivia question instead of taking a stab in the dark.
How the fuck did you figure that out so fast?
"What are you, my therapist?"
"You might need one." Andre shrugged with an innocent suggestion.
Jake was quick to shut him out. "Whatever."
You're probably right though.
Denial was a stage Jake had passed through about a month ago. He settled with the fact that something might be wrong with him when Connor came back into his life and so did the very vivid nightmares that woke him up at night. A long time ago Jake had nightmares about his father trying to kill him the same way he had when he was seven, but now they were just as real as they were back then, and Jake didn't know what to do about it. It didn't used to wake him up, but recently they had been—especially on the days where he got stuck in his head and just wanted to use sleep to escape. He would have thought that the same persistent imagery coming back after all these years would have been a fluke incident, but he wasn't so sure now. It seemed like the further he got away from home, the more he started remembering it.
Not like that was something he was going to tell Connor.
It wasn't his fault he brought those feelings back, and Jake didn't want to worry him to the point where he thought it was his fault. If Connor knew what he dreamed about on the nights he woke up drenched in sweat right next to him, he wouldn't know what to think. Connor might be inclined to give him space, and that was the last thing Jake wanted right now, even if it meant not sleeping worth a damn.
So Jake concluded he wouldn't say a thing. Not to Connor, not to Aaron, not to his sister, or some stranger that wanted to tell him what his problems meant as if the solution could ever be so easy.
I'm fine. It's nothing I haven't lived through before.
They were just dreams. He knew nothing was real. Yet, every time he convinced himself that it wasn't real, it just made it that much harder to shake because once it had been. Many of the things that happened in those nightmares he didn't remember, but some he did. Some were painful reminders of how much he couldn't go home, and others were a cautionary tale that he shouldn't even if he wanted to.
Some scars from home were visible, and some—Jake figured—would have been easier if they were.