Far From Home - Chapter 38: Chapter 38

Early December
Andre left on Sunday. He nearly packed all his things to go with him and Jake couldn't help but feel a bit weird not helping him as he watched his roommate's departure. When Jake settled into having an empty room again, things felt too calm. The hall was quiet except for the occasional clatter of another person moving out, but even then it was one less person on their floor who could take up space in the bathroom or play music too loud at two in the morning. Day by day, hour by hour, silence blanketed the dorm hall like the first snow that was beginning to fall outside, but strangely Jake wasn't finding any comfort in it.
He wasn't used to empty.
When his roommate left a couple weeks ago for Thanksgiving, Jake knew he was coming back shortly after. He enjoyed the time to himself because he knew that it was going to be short lived and needed to make the most out of his peace. But this just felt... sad. Andre's half of the room was all but cleared out and Jake had another week before he was actually required to be out too. He sure as hell didn't want to go home any sooner than he had to, but it felt weird being alone like this.
On an especially quiet afternoon in the middle of the week, Jake actually considered asking Ricky to drive him to the Dobovic House to see if anyone was home. The girls had said they were staying around until Christmas time, but somehow showing up at the house with no plans felt a bit odd, and Jake decided the awkward interactions wouldn't be worth saving himself from how his own mind sought to fill the time. Instead, he reorganized his things—stacking textbooks in alphabetical order, making his bed just for the hell of it, folding clothes just to put them back into drawers, and testing his pens to see which ones were worth keeping for next semester. He knew if Aaron saw him right now, it would have earned him some OCD comment, but it wasn't that... it was pure boredom.
Boredom at home was filled in one of three ways: finding something to do outside, driving around aimlessly just to listen to music he didn't even like on the radio, or annoying the hell out of Aaron on days where Aaron wasn't annoying the hell out of him first. Summer days were filled with annoying Connor after work, but even then that was something he looked forward to like a set part of his schedule, not something he did just to fill the time. However much Connor enjoyed being alone, he also seemed to look forward to it most days. It was rare, but sometimes Connor even asked to tag along to the diner with Jake and Aaron, or sometimes if Jake would spend the night without it being an accident.
Tonight seemed to be one of those nights.
Jake tried not to make his boredom Connor's problem, but when Connor asked what he was doing halfway through the afternoon, Jake's response was nothing short of 'absolutely nothing, please save me.' And so he did. Around four o'clock Connor walked into his room and plopped down on Jake's bed, not bothering to say a word before he smushed Jake into the mattress with his body.
"Hi." Jake smiled as he held Connor's head on his chest.
"Hi." Connor mumbled back, barely coherent through how Jake's sweatshirt muffled his voice.
Connor kicked his shoes off lazily before he climbed the rest of the way on to Jake's bed, his legs intertwining with Jake's as he pushed himself up to a more comfortable position. Jake smoothed the hair away from Connor's face as he turned it to lay on Jake's chest, nestled right below his collarbone where the strings of his sweatshirt would have laid if Connor hadn't pulled them out last night after getting annoyed by their length.
"Bored." He sighed.
"Me too."
"What were you doing, just staring at the ceiling...?"
"Thinking." Jake answered somberly.
Connor took a deep breath. "Mmm, don't do that. Too dangerous."
Ah-hah. You're so funny.
"Why?"
"When you have time to think, you second-guess things."
Well, Connor wasn't wrong, but it still hurt to hear out of the middle of nowhere.
"And you think that means you?" Jake pushed those dark strands of hair behind Connor's ear like a ritual while he watched Connor think.
He knew he shouldn't have asked if he didn't want to know the answer.
"It has before."
You're right. I hate that you know you're right.
Connor grew impossibly still to the point where Jake didn't know if he had even taken a breath before he chose to talk again.
"When we go home... nothing's going to change, right?"
Connor didn't have to ask, but Jake knew what that question really meant.
'You're not going to leave me again, right?'
It was terrifying as much as it was true. Once before at home Jake had left when things got to be too much to bear. He hated himself every day for what he put Connor through, but it didn't change the fact that he did it. As much as it drove a stake into Jake's heart, Connor wasn't out of line to ask if he would do it again. It was a fair question that Jake detested that he even felt like he had to ask.
"No." He brushed his thumb over Connor's forehead. "Nothing."
"Jake..." Connor mumbled like he didn't have the right words to say. "Seeing your family again it's... I just... don't want you to get all caught up in your head–"
"I'm not going to see them."
"What?"
It killed him to admit, but he wasn't going to see them if it meant risking his sanity. Staying with Aaron was an excuse not to go back to the house, but he didn't even want to see them at all if he could help it. McKenna was one story, but he didn't trust himself not to crumble if he saw his father, or to beg for forgiveness if he saw his mother. As much convincing as it took for him to realize he hadn't done anything wrong, that guilt would come back ten-fold the minute he stepped through the door. It was ingrained in him to apologize and he didn't trust himself to keep that instinct locked away when his mother was the one who held the key and his father was ready to take at the lock with bolt cutters.
"I'm staying with Aaron. I don't want to see them if all they're going to do is make me feel like shit about you."
"You're okay with that?"
No. Not really. But it beats hating myself again, right?
"Yep. One-hundred percent." Jake afforded himself one small lie for his own convincing.
"You're serious?" Connor questioned him again, apparently not as convinced by Jake's argument as he would have hoped.
When it comes to you? Always.
Jake knew he had worked towards proving it, but he could take it one step further than that. He was ready to throw something else out on the table to let Connor know where he was at, even if months ago the word would have sent him running scared. It didn't scare him so much anymore because with the label came certainty, and certainty was something Jake needed in his life more than anything. Connor was right to acknowledge he spent so much time in his head, but he didn't question Connor anymore. Connor was real. Connor was there. Connor was certainty. He deserved to know it.
"If you're asking if I'm really willing to put my boyfriend over seeing my parents, then yes, I am." Jake's heart raced when it left his mouth, but he tried to play it off coolly. "I'm dead serious, Connor."
Holy shit, I said it.
Did he notice I said it?
If Connor was paying attention he would have noticed Jake's heart pounding underneath him with every calm breath he tried to take. He would have known there was something different with the words he said and picked out exactly what it was like he did every single time. Jake didn't know why he was scared that maybe Connor hadn't noticed this time, because Connor noticed every time, and this was no different, right?
Fuck, did I mess this up?
Shit, does he even want to be my boyfriend?
With Connor's barely-there smile, Jake figured he was about to find out.
"Boyfriend..."
So... you did notice. Of course you fucking noticed.
"Do you not want to be?" Jake was suddenly struck by his lack of context.
I didn't even bother to ask.
"No, fucking yeah, of course. I just... didn't know you were okay with that."
"I'm not going anywhere this time."
Connor shook his head like he was annoyed, but Jake only knew that's because he didn't know what else to do. It would have been one of those times where Connor might have told him how much he loved him if he would only allow the words to come out of his mouth. Instead, his lips fought back a smile as he looked up to Jake, adoration sparkling in his eyes in such a bright manner that Jake had only seen a handful of times.
"Can you call me that again?" He whispered, losing his guard as his face softened beyond all gimmicks of an annoyed exterior.
Jake smiled watching Connor turn soft in front of him.
"You're my boyfriend."
Connor reached up to trace Jake's smile with his fingers—soft, delicate touches that sought to memorize the feeling of such joy on his face.
"I'm your boyfriend."
"And I am yours." Jake added.
"You are mine." Connor answered like a promise sworn to keep.
Jake repeated the words over and over in his head until they found a home there. You are mine. Connor wanted him, he claimed him, he felt something close enough to love to look at Jake like he owed him his world. Yet, he owed him nothing. He had already given Jake everything he could have dared to ask for. Connor didn't know it, but he had changed Jake's life in more ways than he could count. Jake was infinitely grateful, even if he didn't know exactly what to thank him for.
Learning how to draw boundaries, he figured, was a good place to start. Jake had never had to think about boundaries until Connor asked him to. His whole life had been putting others first, putting anyone and everyone's needs above his own, but Connor made him take a look at the damage he was causing himself and showed him where to draw the line. It was such a beautifully intricate thing that Jake hadn't noticed how much it meant, but to Connor it was the only thing that mattered. Connor always asked him to think about what he wanted, and now Jake actually wanted to.
What he wanted was normalcy. He wanted that boring domestic life that Connor had explained, and he wanted to be happy in it. His happiness wasn't conditional on Connor, but he wasn't something he wanted to live without either. Even if it meant distancing himself from his family, Jake reasoned that was where he was drawing a line. If his family couldn't support his happiness, so be it. He was done waiting for others to tell him how to live. This choice he had to make on his own, and for himself only.
"Can I say something nice without you passing out on me?" Connor mumbled as his fingers brushed against Jake's cheek.
Jake smiled softly. "No promises."
Connor didn't speak immediately. He laid there and watched Jake with captivation as he seemingly connected the dots between the freckles on Jake's cheeks—under his eyes, over his nose, so tenderly grazing over every mark of sun that Jake had collected in his eighteen years of life. Jake closed his eyes to Connor's gentle touch, letting Connor brush over his eyelashes with his middle finger like he was afraid to crush them. It made Jake's heart sing in a way so soft and free he thought he might have been dreaming it.
Connor's voice sounded like heaven.
"You are gorgeous."
Jake opened his eyes to face reality.
"Me?" He immediately fell to questioning Connor's judgment.
"Yes, you."
Do you need glasses?
I mean, really?
Jake didn't think of himself as remarkable in any way. He and Aaron always joked around about each other's appearances, but outside of friendly teasing, neither of them were that attractive. Or at least Jake didn't think so. By the rest of the school, Hunter was considered the standard of 'drop-dead gorgeous,' and even though he and Jake shared a fair amount of similar physical qualities, they weren't identical in any manner. Jake was quite generic. He didn't have a flawless body despite his athleticism, he was somewhere around the national average height, and he certainly didn't have a jawline like Connor or an eye color worth getting lost in.
He was undoubtedly average, he thought. It didn't ever make him self-conscious of his appearance, but he knew he wasn't hot shit either. Not like Hunter. Not like Connor. Gorgeous wasn't a word he would ever use to describe anyone but Connor, and here Connor was using it on him. It left him dumbfounded if he were being honest with himself.
"I–"
I think you've rendered me speechless.
He felt his face burn under Connor's touch with the embarrassment of not knowing what to say. Connor joked about him passing out, but it was less to be taken literally in that context and more that he knew Jake would unravel completely with the perfect compliment. Jake was right to have answered 'no promises' because if he had promised Connor he would be completely fine, it would have made him look a lot like a bold faced liar right now.
"Thank you." He accepted the compliment like he was told he should, but it still felt like Connor was explaining someone else.
"Has no one ever told you before?" Connor looked a bit surprised as his fingers fell still on the side of Jake's face.
"People don't..." Jake shook his head to find words. "They don't look at me like that."
"No, you just don't realize people look at you like that."
"Really?"
"Do you know how many girls in that damn school had a crush on you?"
"Yeah, but... that was because of football."
Connor grinned as he shook his head, his eyes never leaving Jake's.
"Sometimes I forget how smart you are when you say dumb shit like that."
Jake's smile curled up under Connor's hand as he pressed his tongue into the back of his teeth to stop it from growing wider.
"I used to tell myself I was so lucky." Connor whispered. "Everyone had eyes for you... but you only had eyes for me."
You thought you were lucky?
"To be fair, you're way out of my league." Jake mumbled to interrupt him.
"You think I cared about that?" He smirked back.
Oh so don't even deny it, that's fine.
"I cared that you were kind and considerate, and that you listened to what I had to say... You were so different from everyone else. They were all fake... but I could tell you were good."
You think I'm good?
Even after what I did to you, I'm still a good person?
"You're gorgeous inside and out. The most compassionate soul I've ever met."
Fuck, Connor, you're gonna make me cry.
Why the fuck did I deserve all these nice things?
"If you keep talking, I think you'll kill me." Jake whispered through a voice that was far too shaken by such outward kindness that it truly was close to breaking.
Tears welled in his eyes, but he wouldn't let them fall. He forced them back with closed eyes that Connor traced underneath like he was daring him to open them. Grace, Jake thought. This is grace. Connor's love, Connor's kindness, a form of compassion he was only capable of exhibiting to very few people. Jake believed himself to be saved by it. In its purest form it brought him to tears, in its most common it was the strength in his heart that kept him from tumbling back to where he started.
Connor was his very own guardian angel.
"Are you really about to cry?" That angel's voice teased him through a level of concern.
Jake took a deep breath as Connor's fingers fell still next to the eyes that opened after Jake was confident they wouldn't spill over.
"That was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me."
Connor frowned, but his voice was a whisper against Jake's. "God, you're so perfect it hurts."
"Thought you didn't like perfect." Jake allowed himself a gentle grin.
"You're on thin fucking ice, sunshine."
I'll take that.
"You're perfect to me." He added once he had delivered his warning.
"I'm capping your compliments limit." Jake mumbled, finding his hand coursing through Connor's hair once again.
"Are you now?"
"Yep, you're done."
"Remember what happened the last time you tried to cut me off?" Connor raised a speculative brow at him.
"I vaguely recall it backfiring."
"Because it did."
"You gonna show me some mercy this time?" Jake taunted him back.
Connor weighed it carefully and settled on an answer with a smile. "Only because I almost made you cry and it would've made me feel bad."
"Thanks for your selflessness."
"Don't get used to it." Connor threw back.
I already have.
"I would never."