Find My Heart - Chapter 19: Chapter 19

Nathan
It had been exactly 6 weeks since I'd seen Cole. 6 long torturous weeks.
It was Saturday again which meant only one thing. Cole would be coming to Highfield Hall later today.
I hated Saturdays. I hated them so much. I basically spent the whole day pacing around my room, desperate to go out, desperate to be anywhere but staring at these four walls.
But I couldn't. Because I didn't trust myself not to sneak a peek at him. You know, just to see if he was alright.
But of course he was alright. There was barely a day that went by without someone mentioning his name. You see he turned out to be a bit of a whizz at this ecology stuff, and well, he sort of became James the gardener's right hand man. And of course Annabell just worshiped the ground he walked on. Every sentence she said seemed to start with, 'do you know what Cole said....' or 'do you know what me and Cole did.....'"
It was torture. Pure torture. And to make it worse, I think they knew exactly what they were doing as well.
I knew I wasn't my normal self right now, but who could blame me? I had barely slept, and even eating seemed like a chore. I didn't need to look in the mirror to know that I looked like shit, that I had bags under my eyes and that I looked pale and slightly sick.
I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take.
"Nathan, can you come down here?" I heard Ronan call.
I groaned, but rolled off my bed and headed out of my room. It was still early, so Cole wouldn't be on the grounds for at least another couple of hours.
I walked into the shared lounge and saw Ronan sat on his usual chair by the window, and Emily sat on the sofa opposite.
"Hey," I said to Emily, not expecting to see her. Emily was Ronan's sister, but as she had one year old twins to look after, I didn't see much of her around.
She smiled back at me, but I saw that she had already clocked my appearance and was looking at me with some concern in her eyes.
I went over and sat down on the other side of the sofa and looked at Ronan expectantly.
Ronan cleared his throat, and from just that action I knew he was slightly nervous about what he was going to say.
I felt my heart speed up slightly.
"Emily has been kindly stepping in to assist James with the gardening project with the college students," Ronan said, "but she could do with some extra help today."
I felt the panic rush through my body.
"I can't!" I spat out quickly, "You promised that I wouldn't have to work on the project if Cole was involved. You promised!"
I knew I sounded both angry and desperate, but at this point I didn't care. I was tired, and felt weak, and I knew that asking me to do this would possibly push me over the edge.
I saw Emily flinch at my outburst, and I could see that I had shocked her.
Ronan's expression didn't change at all.
"I know I promised, but things have changed and I need you to do this," he said in a stern, unwavering tone.
"You can't," I choked out, running my hands through my hair in frustration. "You have no idea what you are asking of me."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you!" Ronan said, a little more forcefully than before.
"No you can't!" I said, jumping up of the sofa in desperation. "I can't do it! I won't!" My words were firm, but my voice was wavering, like I was on the verge of breaking down.
I hated not following orders, but I knew I couldn't follow this one. I had never felt so out of control in my life.
"Nathan! As your alpha I'm telling you...."
"Ronan, don't," Emily said, getting up of the sofa and coming over to me. She put her hand on my arm. "Sit down Nathan, it's ok, you don't have to do it."
I looked over at Ronan, expecting to see him angry at his sister's interference, but surprisingly he didn't. He just looked disappointed and defeated.
"Fine!" he huffed, like a child who had failed to get their own way.
"I was doing it for you Nathan," he said, the disappointment clear in his voice. "You should've just accepted him as your mate. But as you've clearly decided not to, I'm going to let you go back home for a few months, just while the project is still underway. You're no use to me like this anyway," he said, before getting up and storming out of the room.
I hung my head down in shame.
He was right. I was no use to anyone right now. The whole point of rejecting my mate was so that I wouldn't be distracted from my duties. But look at me now.
"Are you sure you won't change your mind?" Emily said softly.
"About Cole?" I asked, looking over at her.
"Yes," she replied, "he really is lovely you know."
I chuckled and sat back down, leaning forward and putting my head in my hands.
"I know."
"Then what's wrong with him then?" she asked.
I didn't even know the answer to that question myself anymore. In fact the more I thought about it, the more I began to realise that the problem was with me, not Cole.
"I don't know. I just don't know....how to.....I just don't know."
Emily sat next to me and gently rubbed my back.
I hated feeling this weak and pathetic.
"I'm fine," I said, sitting up, making her pull her hand away.
There was a moment of silence before Emily sighed. "I'm slightly envious of you, you know."
I looked at her like she must be mad.
"I would have liked to have found my mate, whoever they were," she explained.
"But you have Casper," I replied, slightly surprised that she was admitting this.
"Yes, I know, but it's not the same."
"No it's better," I argued. "You got to choose your partner. You got to pick who you wanted to love. How is that not better?"
Emily smiled, but it was a sad smile. "I didn't really get to choose did I?"
I thought back. Yes, she was right. Her dad had kind of pushed her into marrying Casper, but I also seemed to remember she didn't seem against the idea. In fact they seemed to get on really well together.
"Are you unhappy?" I asked her.
"Gosh, no!" she said, clearly surprised by my question. "I love Casper to bits, but I never had that moment, you know, where you fall head over heels in love with someone. Where you lose all sense of rationality, where you think about them every second of the day, and want to be with them and hold them, even when logic says you shouldn't feel that way."
I stared at her in surprise. "Why would you want that?" I asked. "Why would you want your body to feel one way while your sense of logic feels another?"
Emily just laughed.
"I guess you wouldn't understand," she eventually said.
"Of course I understand!" I argued back, "I'm living that every day!"
"No," she said shaking her head, "you don't understand because what you are doing is fighting against that feeling. You are listening to your head. I would listen to my body. I want to know what it feels like to give into those feelings. To think, screw the consequences, and have that moment of pleasure again and again. I've seen what it can do to people when they don't act on these instincts. And I've seen what it can do to people when the choice is suddenly taken away from them. I just don't want to see that happen to you."
I saw the look in her eyes. I saw the hurt and pain.
"You're talking about Casper and that boy aren't you?" I asked.
I remembered vaguely, a boy who worked at Blackwood manor that Casper seemed to have taken a shine to. And I remember when they came back from their honeymoon, something had happened with this boy, and he had run away.
I wasn't interested in gossip, and I didn't really pay too much attention to what was said, but I did hear that Casper took it badly, and I do remember seeing him around that time, and thinking that he looked off, like he was in his own world and sort of zoned out from what was going on.
Emily smiled a sad smile. "They weren't mates, but it doesn't mean to say he didn't feel it. He just didn't realise what it was he felt until it was too late."
"But you and him?" I asked, slightly nervous of her reply.
"Oh we're fine," she said, waving her hand at me. "It just took time for us to fall in love. There was no heart stopping moment, or fairytale romance. It just sort of built up over time. Don't worry Nathan, we're perfectly happy now. All I'm saying is make sure you know what it is you are throwing away."
I nodded at her. I knew that it would have been hard for her to open up like that to me.
"Just to be clear," she said with a slight smirk, "it's Cole that you're throwing away. That gorgeous, intelligent, sexy, beautiful boy Cole."
"I know, I know." I smiled at her, despite what she said, appreciating what she was trying to do.
"So you know that he's all those things then?"
"Yes I do," I said, raising an eyebrow at her in defiance.
"Good," she said, "because if you and I can see it, then it sure won't be long before others see it too."
And with that she got up and left.