Find My Heart - Chapter 20: Chapter 20

Cole
I made my way slowly to Highfield Hall. It had been 8 weeks since I'd seen Nathan.
I thought that over time, the pain of the rejection would go away, that it would hurt less. I was wrong. Every Saturday it seemed to be getting harder and harder to motivate myself to walk the short distance to the Hall.
Sure, once I was there, I usually managed to lose myself in what I was there to do. But just going to the place, physically putting one foot in front of the other to go to the place that I first saw Nathan required so much effort that once I got there I was already exhausted.
It didn't help that I hadn't slept properly in weeks.
I walked in through the front gate, something I still managed to chuckle about, despite my mood, and walked over to where I saw James and Emily looking over our latest plans.
"Hey Cole, how's thi....woah you look rough, are you feeling ok?" Emily said, coming over to me and giving me the once over, before settling for looking directly into my eyes.
"I'm fine," I said, breaking eye contact, as I looked down in embarrassment. "I just didn't sleep well, that's all."
Emily looked as if she was going to say something further, but a few other students arrived so she just offered me a weak smile before she turned away to greet them.
I knew that wasn't the last I would hear from her, but I managed to sneak myself off to the far corner of the woodlands to give myself a little breathing room.
Don't get me wrong, I really like Emily. She was incredibly perceptive, as well as being kind and caring. But sometimes you just want to be left alone.
And sure enough after I had spent a blissfully peaceful hour updating plans to show where certain plants were located, I heard footsteps.
"I wondered how long it would take you to find me," I said without looking up.
I heard Emily chuckle.
She came over and sat next to me on a fallen tree.
"You know I spoke to him yesterday," she said.
I felt my heart rate speed up, but I didn't let it show and I kept my gaze focussed intensely on the plans in front of me.
"Oh right," I answered distractedly.
"He misses you."
I couldn't help but snap my face round to look at her, a scowl fixed on my face.
"He misses me?" I barked out in indignation.
Emily bit her lip, and I could see she felt guilty bringing up a topic that was bound to irritate me.
"Of course he misses you Cole. He may be stupid, but he has a heart, despite what people may say."
No matter how annoyed I was with Nathan, I always felt a bit of a pang in my chest when I heard of others disliking him, or mocking him.
I shrugged at her words. "It was his choice," I said coldly, going back to studying the plans in front of me.
"Please don't hate him," Emily said softly.
I sighed wishing I wasn't having this conversation right now.
"I don't hate him!" I snapped, turning to look at Emily, but on seeing the concern in her eyes, I took a deep breath and willed myself to calm down and not take my frustration out on her. "I could never hate him," I almost whispered.
"Then how do you feel?" she asked, putting her hand on my knee.
I stared at her fingers, feeling the warmth seeping through my jeans. "I don't know," I replied, "I guess I feel kind of angry? Angry that I was put in this situation in the first place, and I guess angry at Nathan for not handling it better."
"How could he have handled it better?" she asked.
"He could have involved me in the decision," I replied. "It doesn't seem fair somehow that it was already a cut and dry deal before I even knew."
Emily looked at me with wide eyes.
"Do you think you would have argued to give being mates a try?"
I let out a short snort of laughter. "Probably not, but it would have been nice to have been asked."
Emily shook her head at me, but smiled. "You know, you might feel better if you told him all this."
"And how am I going to do that now he's moved to god knows where?"
Emily had told me last week that Nathan had moved out temporarily so I didn't need to worry about bumping into him.
That was never my worry.
"You can call him. You have his number don't you?" she suggested.
"Isn't that against the rules?"
She looked at me in confusion.
"He said that if we didn't have any contact for a year, that the bond would break. Wouldn't me speaking to him over the phone stop that from happening?"
"I don't think so," Emily replied, "but you could always text him. I'm sure that wouldn't strengthen the bond."
I shook my head at her. "There's no point. Nathan was right. We just need to stay apart for a year then it will all go away."
Emily stayed silent, and when I looked over to her I could see she was deep in thought.
Eventually she spoke. "I don't think Nathan is right about that. I think if you love someone, and then you lose them, even if it's through choice, it never really goes away."
"But it did last time!" I said, and I could hear the desperation in my tone.
"Yes but last time he only saw his mate once. He didn't talk to him, or find out anything about him. Cole, whether Nathan wants to admit it or not, he's fallen for you in a big way. Sure the rush of hormones when you find a mate makes you want to get to know the other person and be around them, but all that other stuff, the finding out about the other person, and getting to know them, that's all just part of the process of falling in love, just like humans do."
"So, you're saying that this won't just disappear after a year?" I asked, feeling my stomach sink to the floor.
"I'm not saying that," she said, "what I'm saying is that whatever you are feeling is natural, not some sort of voodoo spell. You'll fall out of love with him, only when you are ready to. That might be in a couple of months, or even a couple of years, or maybe on some level you will always love him."
"I - I don't love him now!" I said forcefully.
"Maybe, maybe not," she said, "but I think you definitely could have done."
I didn't argue. What was the point. Whatever I felt, he was gone and the decision had been made.
"All I'm saying is that maybe you need some closure," she said, standing up and starting to walk away. "He owes you that much. Text him." And then she disappeared into the trees.
It was 10 o'clock the following night and I was having a stare-off competition with my phone.
To text or not to text, that was the question.
I chuckled at my own cheesiness, then chuckled at how pathetic I was for chuckling.
"Oh fuck this," I said, throwing my phone onto my bed and walking out of my room.
Have you ever had one of those moments where you can't make a decision, and then when you finally do, the realisation hits you that you have in fact obviously made the wrong choice?
I spun on my heels and promptly picked my phone back up.
I knew what I was going to text. I'd been writing and deleting it for the past hour.
Hi Nathan, I hope you don't mind me texting but I had a few questions I wanted to ask you. Cole.
Before I could back out again, I clicked on send.
I felt my heart accelerate in my chest and my hands felt clammy.
What's the worst that could happen? He could reject me. Oh, no, wait, he's already done that!
I suppose he could get mad, and tell me never to text again, but again, how was that worse than the radio silence of the past 8 weeks?
What if by texting him I had reopened the bond, making the past 8 weeks a waste of time? That's his problem, a voice in my head said. But despite that voice, I knew that I would feel insanely guilty if that did happen.
Maybe he would just ignore the text anyway. Afterall, if it would...
My phone beeped.
I snatched it up off the bed and saw his name on the front screen.
I shrieked and threw the phone back onto the bed, like it was a bomb.
I staggered backwards and pushed my back firmly into my wardrobe door, trying to steady myself.
Come on Cole, you can do this.
I walked back over to the bed and picked the phone up, my thumb hovering over the text notification.
My hand was shaking lightly, and I quickly shook it out, cursing myself for being so weak and pathetic.
But this was a big deal.
This text would define my future relationship, or lack thereof, with Nathan.
I had already decided that if he asked me to leave him alone, I would, and I would never contact him again.
This could very well by the last thing my mate ever said to me. And I was well aware that it was likely to sting.
I felt a lump forming in my throat and before I could dwell on the negative any further, I swiped to open the text.
Nathan: Ok
"Huh," I puffed out in disbelief.
I raked my hand through my hair and felt a flush of embarrassment at how overly dramatic I was being.
Shit, now I had to think of a question to text him back. It had taken the best part of 40 minutes to compose the last text!
I felt the pressure building up inside. I felt like I was about to sit an exam!
I started composing and surprisingly within just a few minutes I'd come up with something.
Will this get easier?
I wanted to retract it as soon as I pressed send. I knew I needed more than a few minutes to come up with something!
Stupid Cole
I was supposed to be asking him questions, not opening myself up to show him how I felt.
My phone beeped and this time I instantly read his reply.
Nathan: Why whats wrong?
Yep, I was right. With just one text he had turned the attention onto me. Well, if he wanted to know how I felt, I might as well give it to him with both barrels.
What's wrong? Do you not remember our last conversation? You rejected me. My own mate rejected me. Do you have any idea how that feels? Of course you don't. You've probably never been rejected in your life!
I sent the text, feeling myself bursting with anger. How dare he act all concerned as if he doesn't know what he's done.
I felt agitated, like I didn't know what to do with my limbs, so I paced back and forth across my room.
It took him a while to reply, and I opened it all ready to hate his response.
Nathan: My parents abandoned me when I was 8 months old. I'm not trying to say I know how you feel, but I want you to know that my life has not always been easy.
I felt my chest tighten as I read and re-read the message.
Percy's words flashed through my mind.
"The problem is him. Nobody would ever be right for him, because no matter who it is, he will always feel scared and out of control."
I don't know why it hadn't occurred to me before. It was so obvious it was a bit cliche really. I mean, surely it wasn't normal for a wolf to reject his mate.....twice, so of course Nathan's past must have contributed to that.
I suddenly felt a wave of guilt crash over my whole body as I began typing furiously.
Oh god, I'm so sorry, I didn't think. Please don't hate me. :-(
I cringed imagining Nathan's disgust at my presumption. I could almost picture his grey eyes turning as cold as steel.
My phone beeped.
Nathan: Of course I don't hate you Cole.
My stomach dropped as I read the text, and a smile worked its way across my face.
It gave me a fluttery feeling to see my name in his text, and I had a rather bizarre urge to stroke phone, as if it was somehow linked to Nathan.
Shaking my head to snap me out of my crazy emotions, I began to type.
Phew! I can't stand the thought of you hating me. Is that because of the bond do you think? I swear I'm not usually this needy...
A minute later he replied.
Nathan: I don't know if it's the bond. I know that humans don't feel it like we do, but that doesn't mean they don't feel it at all. I'm sorry I dragged you into this.
I wanted to hug him. Was that normal?
It's ok. I quite like your world. I've never really felt like I fitted in anywhere before, but somehow I feel at home at Highfield Hall. Do you think that after the bond breaks we will be able to be friends? Or do you think the bond will come back if we did that?
I would like to be friends with Nathan. There was something about him that was just different to anyone I'd ever met. It was hard to describe. But I'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with him being a werewolf.
Nathan: I don't know. Possibly we could be friends and if we made sure never to touch, it might work. Is it possible for friends not to touch? I've never really had a friend before.
I let out a slight squeak at his reply. I felt so special to be seeing this side of Nathan. There was a definite vulnerable quality to his texts and it made me both happy and sad in equal measure.
I've never really thought about it before, but I guess friends do touch a fair bit. I haven't had a lot of friends either. I think they're overrated ;-)
I carried on texting Nathan until the early hours of the morning and I'd just sent a text asking him what he liked best about being a werewolf when I eventually fell asleep with my phone in my hand.
When I woke up in the morning, I immediately shot up, looking for my phone.
I can't believe I fell asleep in the middle of a conversation!
I found my phone and saw three messages from Nathan.
Nathan: The feeling of running through the trees as a wolf is amazing. It's really hard to describe. I imagine it's the same sort of feeling as flying.
Nathan: Cole, are you still there?
Nathan: I'm guessing you've fallen asleep. Goodnight Cole.
I smiled as I read the texts. I wished I had just let him know I was getting tired so I could have wished him goodnight too.
I looked at the clock and sighed. I needed to get a move on if I was going to make it in time for college, so I quickly showered and got dressed.
I stared at my phone longingly, before I slipped it into my back pocket. If I texted him now I would be distracted all day, either talking to Nathan or repeatedly checking my phone for a reply.
No, I would save my text till tonight, when I had the time to concentrate on him alone.
I already couldn't wait.