Find My Heart - Chapter 21: Chapter 21

Nathan
I ran down the stairs taking two at a time.
It wasn't that I was in a rush, it was just that I felt like I had so much energy to burn.
I rounded the corner and nearly bumped straight into Emily.
"Woah there tiger!" she said, holding her arms up in anticipation of an impact.
I managed to holt just centimeters away from her hands.
"Oops, sorry," I said with a smile before stepping to the side to go around her.
"Hang on a second," she said, and I turned back to see a confused frown on her face.
I raised my eyebrows slightly waiting for her to continue.
She walked over and paced around me in a full circle, her eyes roving over me as if she was trying to work something out.
I just watched her in amusement.
"What's got you in such a good mood?" she said, stopping in front of me, her head tipped slightly to one side.
"The sun is shining, it's a beautiful day, why wouldn't I be in a good mood?" I replied, as I again stepped around her and headed into the kitchen to grab something to eat.
I could hear her following behind me, but I couldn't help but smile. So what if I was in a good mood?
"I don't understand," she said but I ignored that as I went and grabbed an apple from the dish of fruit on the side.
"You should be miserable," she said, once again moving in front of me to look me in the face.
I shrugged. "Is it so wrong that I can feel a little bit cheerful for one minute. It's not like anyone's died," I said, wishing this little interrogation was over.
"Yes, but it doesn't make sense."
"What doesn't make sense?" I snapped, my mood already starting to plummet down.
"Why you look like this," she said, waving her arms in my direction, "while Cole looks like shit."
"What?!" I said, my head snapping up at the mention of his name.
"It's true," she said, almost angrily, "while you're over here all cheery and happy, Cole looks like the walking dead."
I felt my stomach clench and my heart start to pound at the thought of Cole not being well.
Finally Emily smiled. "That's better! That's the sickly overly anxious look I was expecting."
I scowled as I looked over at her, suddenly not sure whether she was just saying these things to wind me up.
"Sorry," she said, having the decency to look guilty, even if she was still smiling, "but he did look really bad on Saturday. It looked like he hadn't slept in a week."
Saturday. That was the day before he texted me. I suppose it made sense then why he decided to text. He probably couldn't sleep with so many questions buzzing round his head. Afterall it wasn't every day that you found out there were such things as werewolves, and that one of them was your mate.
I felt myself calm down slightly, hoping that seen as Emily hadn't seen him since Saturday, he was doing better now I had answered his questions.
Yes, we'd been texting every night since Sunday. Every night at exactly 10pm he would text, usually with a fresh set of questions about werewolves or how the whole mate thing worked.
There was no flirting and no grudges being aired, it was just like two friends having a chat.
I noticed Emily scrutinising my expression, and I belatedly noticed that I was once again smiling while remembering my text conversations with Cole.
"I'm off out," I said, taking multiple bites of the apple, before throwing the core into a small bin in the corner.
"Hang on, don't you need to wait for Casper?" she said as I reached the door.
I briefly paused while I chewed then managed to splutter out, "Tell him to meet me by the river," and then I shot out the door before she could say anything else.
I changed into my wolf and ran through the grounds of Worthington Manor before entering into the forest, the wind whipping my ears and sending shivers of pleasure through my fur.
Casper was visiting from nearby Blackwood Manor. We were going to do a tour of our grounds, looking for any weak spots where the hunters would be able to get in unnoticed.
The hunters had been quiet for a few months now, neither attacking here or Blackwood Manor. I hoped that they had moved on to somewhere else. Although the reality was that now they had found our home, we would never feel safe.
After another half an hour I saw Casper sitting on a rock, looking out over the river.
I shifted back into my human form and walked over to sit beside him.
"I thought you weren't supposed to be in your wolf form in these parts," he said, while skimming a small pebble into the water.
I shrugged my shoulders. "We haven't seen them in months, and it's not like I wasn't careful," I said back.
"Shall we get going then?" he said, standing up and stretching his arms above his head.
In doing so, his black t-shirt rode up revealing his toned stomach and notable abs.
I turned away, a part of me feeling guilty for admiring another man's body when I already had a mate.
Casper was your stereotypical alpha. Dark and brooding. He had thick shiny dark hair with matching eyes, and a body that made half the wolf population swoon.
But even though Casper was a strong, stern alpha who took no messing from any of his pack, there was also another side to him, one I was able to glimpse a few times.
It was a side that he only showed to those that were closest to him, like Emily. It was a side that was playful and liked to laugh. A side that was warm and caring, and put those he loved above himself.
It was what made us different. I was lacking that side to my personality. Up until recently, I had always thought it was weakness in his otherwise flawless armour. Now I wasn't so sure.
We'd been trailing the edge of the territory for over an hour when I could see him out of the corner of my eye looking a bit twitchy and nervous.
"Are you ok?" I asked, eyeing him with amusement. It wasn't like Casper to show any weakness in front of me. Even though our packs were linked and on good terms, I was still a rival Beta.
"How are things going, you know, with the whole mate thing?" he asked in a rush.
I groaned and rolled my eyes. "Emily's put you up to this, hasn't she?"
Casper smiled apologetically. "Maybe."
"Look, I'm fine," I said, annoyed that even out here I wasn't free from her prying eyes. "It's tough, I'm not going to lie, but I'm keeping myself busy and distracted, and I'm doing ok."
Casper shrugged, "I'm not going to argue with that. You look fine to me."
We must have only walked another 10 meters before he said, "So what's your secret then?"
"What?" I asked, not entirely sure what he was going on about.
"You've just rejected your mate. You should be barely functioning, but yet here you are looking like you do on any other day."
I felt my mood take a nosedive once again, my blood starting to flood with anger at the intrusion into my personal life.
"We're not all the same, you may have spent ages moping around, but that doesn't mean we all have to."
His head snapped round to face me, and I could see I had angered him, just as I'd intended.
"What are you talking about?" he said, with an angry frown on his face.
"It's annoying when people comment on your personal life isn't it?" I said, a little smuggly.
"What are you going on about? I haven't rejected my mate. Not all of us were born without a heart you know?"
I felt my scowl deepen at his words.
"What about that boy? The servant. He may not have been your mate, but there was definitely some sort of connection there, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe you went totally off grid for weeks when he disappeared."
"That was different," he said, turning away in a clear attempt to hid his face.
I smiled, pleased that I had clearly angered him, even if he was trying to hide it. After all, Casper wasn't my alpha.
"I don't see how," I said, trying to push home my advantage.
"He wasn't my mate," he said, still with his back to me.
"Yes, but you cared for him. Even I could see that he meant something to you and I only ever saw him the once. And then when he disappeared out of your life, it drove you mad didn't it?"
"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!" he roared as he turned back round to face me. "YOU DON'T KNOW FUCK ALL SO JUST SHUT UP!"
His body was taut with anger, making him appear to grow in stature, his chest puffed out, his arms ready to strike - a clear threatening display.
I felt myself draw up taller to match his pose, shoulders back, and eyes narrowed.
But then I noticed his expression. Yes there was anger there, but there was also something else.
I felt myself shrink back as I recognised what it was. It was sadness.
"Shit," I mumbled taking a step back. I had meant to almost tease Casper. I thought that he had a bit of a soft spot for the kid, but it obviously ran deeper than that.
Casper's whole body seemed to collapse in on itself, and he sunk down onto the floor.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realise," I said quietly, before I sat down myself, leaving some distance between us.
"Of course you didn't," he said rather bitterly.
We sat in silence for a few moments before I pulled the phone out of my pocket, and opened the last text message I had received off Cole.
Goodnight. Speak to you tomorrow.
I couldn't help the small smile that tugged at the corner of my lips.
"It does hurt," I said.
I could see Casper looking at me curiously so I held out my phone so he could see the text.
Casper's eyes narrowed, then went wide with realisation.
"Don't you dare tell Emily," I said, to which Casper just chuckled.
I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. "I don't know what I'm doing."
Casper shook his head but smiled. "I don't think any of us do."
I looked over at him, and a warmth suddenly came over me as I realised I was being given a rare glimpse into the other Casper. The one he only showed to those who were closest to him.
"Do you have any regrets?" I asked gently, hoping that my question wouldn't cause too much pain.
"Loads," he said, but he smiled wistfully.
"What would you do differently?" I asked.
He looked thoughtful for a moment before he replied, "I would have never treated him any different to anyone else. I should have yelled at him the moment he stepped out of line. I should have never tried to be his friend."
I shrugged at his words, "I don't think it's your fault. So you liked him, and treated him a little different? There's nothing wrong with that."
Casper let out a puff of breath that sounded like a laugh but I could tell it wasn't.
"But if I hadn't done those things, he would still be alive. That's the difference."
I felt my eyes widen at his words.
"Do you really think he's dead?"
I saw Casper visibly flinch at my words, and I belatedly realised that he had probably never said these thoughts out loud before.
"I think there's a good chance," he said, and I could hear the strain in his voice.
"Yes, but there's a chance he might not be," I said, trying my best to lighten the mood. "He struck me as the type of kid that would always land on his feet, no matter how high the fall."
Casper chuckled, and I felt pleased that I had caused that.
I generally wasn't good at these sorts of conversations. They made my skin itch. But for some reason I felt like we had finally found something that bonded us together. We had both loved and lost. In a way.
"Do you think I'm making the wrong decision?" I asked.
"Yep," he said straight back, while standing up, and brushing some bits of vegetation off his jeans.
I jumped up quickly, a little taken aback by his immediate response.
"Even if I don't think he's a good match for me?" I asked.
"Who's to say he isn't a good match? Think about it, have you ever met a couple who are perfect for each other? I know I haven't. But they make it work because they are in love, and they are committed to one another.
"From what Emily tells me, this mate of yours is intelligent, kind, caring, totally accepting of the whole werewolf thing, forgiving, and, in Emily's words, a little cutie, so what exactly is it that means he's not a good match for you? Do you want someone mean and horrible? Is that what you're looking for?"
I shook my head, but remained silent, still taking in his words. Because if I was being totally honest with myself, the arguments I had for not being with Cole were getting fewer and fewer. And he was worming his way deeper into my heart.
I'd tried telling myself that the texting didn't count and that I wasn't strengthening our bond in any way, but it was beginning to be clear that wasn't the truth. I was sleeping for a start, and feeling much happier. Texting with Cole had become the highlight of my day, and I just couldn't wait for it to be 10 o'clock.
"You're thinking about it, aren't you?" Casper said with a triumphant grin on his face.
"I'm not joking," I said, pointing a finger at Casper, "you tell Emily and I'll kill you in your sleep."
Casper just laughed and we resumed our walk, but I couldn't help but feel like my steps were already a little lighter.