Find My Heart - Chapter 34: Chapter 34

Casper
It was three months ago that Emily had died. Three months since I'd felt anything like normal.
It was the guilt that did it. Guilt that I'd not been a better mate or husband. Guilt that she'd got herself caught in the first place. Guilt that I hadn't been quick enough to save her. Guilt that my children had lost their mother instead of me. Guilt because I should have been lying here heart broken by the loss of my mate, but instead was just wallowing over all the things that I did wrong. Me, me, me, why was it always about me?
I lay on my bed, once again sleeping in till late. Mostly I was left alone. Afterall, I was supposedly grieving for my mate. That wasn't exactly true. I was grieving for what we could or should have been. And I was grieving for my friend and companion.
Even though Emily and I were never really more than just good friends, at least I didn't feel lonely when I had her. Now the loneliness was eating its way through to my core. The only thing that made me feel in the least bit sane was being with Lyra and Orion. But for some reason everyone was suddenly offering to take them off my hands. Like I wasn't coping or something.
Maybe I wasn't coping.
I flicked the pin in my hand over and over, like some sort of stress relief toy.
I paused to look at it. I even felt like I'd failed her in that. I couldn't even fulfill the promise I'd made to Emily while she was dying.
I liked to think that one day I would. But not yet. I knew I couldn't take anymore bad news. And even if I did find him alive, what would I say?
'Sorry my dad drove you out of the pack, away from you friends, family and everything you knew.'
If he was alive he probably hated me. I know I would if I was him.
I tossed the pin badge onto my dresser and got up off the bed and wandered into my lounge.
I had only just sat down on my couch when there was a knock on the door.
"Yes?" I shouted, not bothering to move.
The door opened and a valet stepped in
"Sorry to disturb you, but Nathan is here to see you."
"Send him up," I barked out in reply.
The valet paused for a second, probably confused about the order seen as I never usually let Nathan come into my private room, but wisely he scuttled off without questioning me further.
It was simple really. I couldn't be bothered to move.
A minute or so later, there was a knock on my door and Nathan came strolling in.
He stopped when he was in front of me, and when I looked up at him, I could see that he was staring at me with a hint of amusement on his face.
"What?!" I snapped, rather annoyed at being disturbed from my day of doing nothing.
"Whoa, back down there, Mr Stripey Boxers!"
I looked down, and sure enough I was sat there wearing just a pair of black and grey striped boxers.
I shrugged. "Your point being?"
"Hey, I don't have a point," Nathan said, both hands in the air in mock surrender. "I just came to let you know that we've heard that the hunters are going to attack this weekend. And they've chosen Blackwood Manor as their target."
I shot upright on the couch, suddenly wide awake.
"Shit! This weekend? That doesn't give us much time to prepare!"
"I know, so I suggest you go and have a shower, because you reek by the way, then get downstairs. I've already asked Jamie to organise a meeting this afternoon, although he doesn't know why yet, but I suggest you tell him as soon as possible."
"Fuck. Right. Yeah, I'll do that. Shit, what are we going to do?"
I could feel my heart rate spiking. I'd been so busy wallowing in self pity that even though I knew this was a possibility, I'd done nothing to prepare for it. Once again, the guilt started creeping its way into my chest, making it feel hard to breath.
"Calm down Casper," Nathan said, looking as unphased as ever. "While you've been, erm, let's say 'occupied', well we've been planning for this, so don't worry. Joe's come up with a solid plan."
"Joe?" I asked, and I saw Nathan flinch slightly at his name.
"Erm, yeah, he's on Sebastian's team."
I rolled my eyes. "And what does he know about us? I'll concede that humans can be helpful, but I don't feel confident leaving this down to him."
"Oh, erm, Joe's a werewolf," Nathan said, and I suddenly realised why he seemed uncomfortable speaking about him. As we were territorial creatures, it was very hard to accept help from, or even allow admittance to a werewolf from a rival pack.
"And you're ok with that?" I asked, rather surprised at Nathan's laidback attitude to this wolf.
He shrugged. "He seems ok, and Sebastian and Cole know him."
"Ah," I said nodding my head, "so if Cole knows him he must be ok then," I said sarcastically. "You've changed since you've been with him!"
Nathan leaned in towards me, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes set at maximum glare.
"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that. Mainly because I know you're going through some shit right now, but also because since you've been holed up in this room for the passed three months, how would you even know if he is good for me or not? Now stop feeling sorry for yourself, and get out there and lead your pack. They need the old Casper back. They need their Alpha."
And before I could say anything back, he stormed out of my room.
I flopped back down on my couch with a slight huff.
I was annoyed with Nathan but not angry. How could I be angry when he was right?
I'd sat around swimming in my own self pity for so long that I'd forgotten my responsibilities as Alpha of my pack.
I stood up with a new found purpose and went to my bathroom to shower and get ready for the day. Well, what was left of it at least.
We only had until Saturday to get ready so I couldn't waste anymore time. I may have been slacking off, but clearly Nathan, and I imagine Ronan and Jamie hadn't and I suppose at some time in the future I'd have to thank them for that.
And Joe whoever he may be. I guess all I could do was leave the fate of myself and my pack in his hands. I just hoped he realised how important a responsibility that was.
It was Friday night and we were having our last meeting before the big day tomorrow.
"Everything is in place," I said, addressing the crowd that had gathered in the large dining hall. "No one is to leave the manor after 2pm tomorrow afternoon. We are not expecting an attack till early evening, but we want to make sure everyone is safe and accounted for.
"In the unlikely event that the hunters do make it into the manor, please do not change into your wolf form unless it is absolutely necessary. While you are in your human form, you are safe, as they cannot be sure that you are not human. Also, even if they have seen your wolf, they are less likely to cause you any harm while you appear in human form.
"The guards have all been given their instructions and will be working closely with members of the Huntley pack, as well as a task force from the police who have connections to the werewolf community.
"I know it's hard for us to accept help from outside, but I for one am fed up of constantly having to look over my shoulder, and not feel safe in our own home. It's time we tried something new, and I'm confident that tomorrow we will be successful in riding ourselves from the hunters once and for all."
A resounding cheer went up around the room, and I clapped along with everyone in the room.
It had gone much better than I expected. I thought there would be strong opposition to using outside help, especially from an institution like the police, but amazingly the pack had seemed to accept it without question.
It made me realise that I was more out of touch with my pack than I thought. I think the past couple of years had put much more of a strain on them than I realised. I think we all just wanted normality again.
What I wouldn't give to be able to turn back the clock.
Tomorrow had to go well. I had too many regrets in my life already to have to add anymore onto the list.
I dismissed my pack and saw Nathan and Jamie making their way over.
"Is everything ready?" I asked them as soon as they approached.
"Yes, it's all in place," Nathan said, "Sebastian heard from Joe this afternoon and the hunters are meeting up in town at 6pm. We expect they'll be looking to attack around 8pm."
"Ok," I said nodding. "So the plan is still going ahead?"
"Yes, we just need to know who the decoy is going to be," Nathan said.
"I'll do it," both me and Jamie said at the same time.
"No, I'm doing it," I said staring Jamie down.
I saw Jamie flash a glance at Nathan.
"Are you sure Casper?" Nathan said. "It's quite a dangerous position to be in and, well, you're pack really needs you right now."
"You won't make me change my mind," I snapped back. "I need to do this Nathan. Please try and understand that."
Nathan looked at me, the usual scowl on his face. Slowly his head started moving up and down in acknowledgement, and I smiled and nodded my thanks.
As I walked out the door I couldn't help a small smile make its way onto my face. The Nathan of old would have never agreed to me doing this. It was certainly not the most logical or efficient decision, to let the alpha take on such a risky role.
The new Nathan, Cole's Nathan, knew that this is what I needed to help me start believing in myself again. The new Nathan understood. Because he had finally found his heart.