Find My Heart - Chapter 42: Chapter 42

Casper
I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling.
I didn't feel any better. In fact if anything, I just felt worse.
What was going on with me?
I needed to look at it rationally.
I'd been through a lot recently. My pack had been under attack for quite some time, leaving us constantly on edge. My wife had been kidnapped, leaving me frantically searching for her for two days. Then of course she'd died. But not only that, she'd died in my arms. And then, just a short while later my home had been attacked again. And I'd been stabbed and nearly killed.
When I looked at it like that, it was no surprise that I was losing the plot.
And then there were the dreams. I constantly dreamt about Joel. So much so, that when I first woke up in a morning, I struggled to tell the difference between dreams and reality. Although it was easy to tell in the light of day. Because reality was always worse. If I could live in my dreams, I definitely would.
I'd lost the tiger pin again. I spent a good hour in the woods looking for it. I must have dropped it when I was injured, but I still couldn't remember much about that night.
I do remember Joel being there. But that must have been in my dreams after I'd passed out. It was weird though. Because it wasn't Joel as I remembered him. It was this sort of buffed up version, all muscles and sex appeal. Why my subconscious had created this version I wasn't sure.
God, I wanted him so badly I felt like crying right now. But was it him I wanted? Or had I just chosen his image to represent the thing that could fill this great big void that was causing my heart to cave in on itself.
"Casper!" I heard someone shouting from outside.
I dragged myself off the bed, welcoming the distraction. I opened my window wide and stuck my head out.
"Sorry to disturb you, but Duncan would like a word, if you're not too busy," Mark shouted up at me.
"Fine, tell him I'll be down in a second."
Some of the staff had taken to hollering at my window. It usually meant they'd tried knocking on my door, but being in the bedroom, I hadn't heard it. And no one was allowed to enter my lounge without permission.
Things had changed round here since my dad handed the role of Alpha over to me and moved away. A lot of the change had been Emily's doing, but I supported it completely. In private the staff were allowed to address us informally, and they didn't have to avert their eyes. It was amazing how much of a change just those little things made. Everyone smiled a lot more, and seemed more at ease. And I'd got to know a lot more members of staff. Mark included.
I looked in the mirror and straightened out my hair before heading downstairs. I don't know why, because no amount of running my fingers through my hair was going to make me look even half decent.
I knocked on Duncan's office door and walked in.
Duncan was clearly sat waiting for me. He was sitting back in his chair, a smile on his face and an envelope in his hand.
Once I sat down he handed me the envelope.
"What's this?" I asked, turning the envelope over in my hand, and seeing my name in Duncan's writing across the front.
"It's my resignation," he replied, "I think it's about time I finally retired."
"What?" I replied in disbelief.
I shouldn't have been shocked. Duncan was definitely at retirement age, and the last few years had certainly not been easy. But I really needed him right now. I wasn't sure I could cope with anymore change.
"Don't worry, I'll serve my notice," he said reassuringly, "and I promise I won't leave until I find and train up my replacement."
I smiled at the man in front of me. He always knew what to say, and always put his duties before his own needs. He was irreplaceable. That was the problem.
"I don't know what I'm going to do without you," I said honestly. "I know you're due to retire, but honestly, I just don't feel that I can lose you right now."
Duncan sighed and looked at me with sympathy in his eyes.
"Have I ever let you down before Casper?"
"Well, no but.."
"And do you think I'd let you down now, when I know you're struggling?"
"I don't know, you're leaving me aren't you?" I said back rather spitefully.
Duncan just smiled.
"There's a time for everything Casper, that's what I've learnt over the years. There's a time to work hard, and a time to rest, and there's a time to grieve and there's a time to love again. It's time Casper."
"Time?" I asked, a little confused by his speech.
"Yes, it's time," he said, standing up and opening his door for me. "Now go and get some rest. You look like shit."
I just stared at him open mouthed. In all the time I'd worked with Duncan, I don't think I'd ever heard him swear.
And yet here he was, practically throwing me out of his office, with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye.
I just shook my head at him and stormed out, marching back to my room.
Did he not care? Did he not realise that I was hanging on by a thread, and that thread was about to snap?
I stormed into my lounge and was about to head straight back to bed when something on the sofa caught my eye. It was a little ring box.
I froze, rooted to the spot just staring at it.
Who had been in my room? No one was supposed to come into my room. But the box looked familiar. So familiar that I could feel my heart beating fast like it was trying to burst out of my rib cage.
I walked over and picked up the box. I opened it slowly and gasped.
It was my tiger pin.
Someone must have found it and returned it. There was a small piece of paper folded up inside the box with the pin.
I opened it up and read,
I never told you why I chose the Tiger as the animal that is most like you. It's about time that I did:
No two Tigers are the same as their markings are unique.
You are one of a kind, and I have never met, and will never again meet someone just like you.
Now please go to the place we first met....
Your Cub x
I stared at the note in my hands, my hands that were starting to shake quite badly.
Was this some kind of sick joke? Could the note really be from my Cub? Had he been in here?
I couldn't smell him. But I couldn't smell the scent of anyone in my room.
I had to know, so I ran out of my room, straight down to the kitchen. As I ran, thoughts whizzed round my head. Who else knew about the first ever time I saw him in the kitchen? The first time that his eyes connected with mine. I burst through the doors, looking manically around for someone, anyone who might resemble Joel.
The kitchen was empty, but on the worksurface in front of me was another ring box.
I quickly opened it up to reveal another slip of paper.
It read,
In Korean culture, they believe that Tigers chase away evil spirits and bring good luck.
You always fight for what is good and right. And the day I met you was the luckiest day of my life.
Now go to the place where we worked together for the first time.
I read it again, not really taking it in the first time. Lucky? He thought it was lucky that he met me? How on earth could he think that?
I ran out of the kitchen so fast, I was sure I left a cloud of dust behind me. I needed to know if this was real.
We first worked together on the night of the ball. The memories came flooding back to me leaving a burning sensation in my chest. That was the first time I realised he was different from anyone else I'd ever met. Different in an infuriating but addictive way.
I quickly ran into the cloakroom, looking around wildly for either a person, or a box. Then I spotted it, resting on the edge of the open hatch that we talked through that day.
I quickly opened it, wasting no time. Another bit of paper.
In Buddhism, the Tiger is the symbol for anger.
Your temper is a thing to behold! I didn't think it would be something I would miss. But I did. I missed everything about you.
Go to the place where I first gave you the pin.
With every word I read I was getting more and more desperate. Was he really here? Did he miss me? I missed him, so much. So, so much. I didn't even realise how much until right this moment. It was like an ache. A desire that burned so bright that I felt like I would set alight.
I ran out of the cloakroom, nearly knocking over Nathan on my way out.
"Hey, what's going on?" he shouted.
I skidded to a halt, then ran back to him.
"Have you seen Joel?" I asked, desperate to hear that he was really here somewhere.
"What? No. Why?"
I didn't wait to explain, I just ran out of the front door and round the side of the manor. We were outside, near the bins when he gave me the pin. God, I was drunk that day.
As soon as I approached I could see a little box sitting on the wall where we sat and talked on my 23rd birthday.
I snatched the box up and opened it. There was a pin badge inside. It was of a white tiger.
I stared at it for a second before opening the note that came with it.
Some Asian cultures believe that when a Tiger has endured many trials and comes to understand about life and the way the world works, it becomes a white Tiger.
I'm so sorry for everything you have gone through. I hope you know that I was with you in spirit, if not in person.
But not anymore.
Meet me at the place where we first touched.
Meet me. It said meet me. Joel was here. He had to be here. I wasn't sure I could take it if he wasn't here.
I ran back towards my room, tears now running freely down my face. I didn't know why. I wasn't sad or happy. I felt lost and confused. And hopeful. So, so hopeful.
I ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time and then straight into my lounge, while wiping the tears off my face. There was no one there and no sign of anyone either. I carried on through into my bedroom and ground to a halt.
He was there.
Lying on my bed, his hands behind his head.
Like he'd been there all his life.
"Tiger, Tiger, burning bright,
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?"
I just stared. Frozen still, except for my hands that wouldn't stop shaking.
Even though he was right there in front of me, it still didn't feel real. Was I dreaming again?
"You're on my bed," I said, stating the obvious.
"That I am," he replied, then rolled over and inhaled deeply into my pillow. "It just smells so good, I couldn't help myself."
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"You left me no choice," he replied.
I frowned at his answer. "No choice about what?"
"You're here aren't you?"
"Yes, I live here. Why are you here?"
"Keep up Casper, I told you that."
I opened my mouth to reply, but then clamped it shut. My lips tugged up at the corners at that familiar feeling of another baffling conversation with my cub.
Joel finally pulled himself up off my pillows and sat on the edge of my bed facing me.
His eyes met mine and I felt my stomach flip as I looked into those eyes once more. Those beautiful brown eyes with a ring of gold around them. Those eyes that I had missed so much. Those eyes that made my legs go weak at the knees.
"You were there, weren't you?" I asked, my mind racing so fast I could hardly keep up.
"Yes," he replied, not breaking eye contact.
I could feel my breathing speed up, and I forced myself to take some deep breaths.
"So, I'm guessing you're the 'Joe' I keep hearing about."
"That would be me," he said grinning.
The moment I saw that dimple appear, I had to hold myself back from just jumping on him and kissing him all over.
I looked away to try to calm myself down. I looked at my hands and noticed the notes and box in my hand.
"I liked the notes," I said, feeling surprisingly nervous around Joel all of a sudden.
"Good, I'm glad," he replied.
" 'Tiger, Tiger, burning bright', I've heard that before. Who's it by?"
"William Blake," he replied, before repeating it again,
"Tiger, Tiger, burning bright,
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
"It's a poem about contradictions," he explained. "How can something so beautiful be so cruel?"
My stomach clenched. "Is that what you think of me? That I'm cruel?"
Joel shrugged his shoulders and tipped his head to one side.
"I hated you for a while," he said, looking down at his hands on his lap.
I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like my heart was going to rip out of my chest.
I dropped to my knees on the floor in front of him.
"I am so sorry Joel. I had no idea what my dad had done. I only found out a couple of weeks after I got back off my honeymoon. But that doesn't change the things that I said to you that night, and you have no idea how mad I've driven myself remembering all the fucking awful things I said to you. But I was angry. Not at you. I was angry that we weren't mates. I just didn't understand what I was feeling. At the time I thought I was angry at you. But I wasn't. I was actually devastated. Devastated that you weren't my mate. All that time I thought being mated to you was the worst thing in the world. But it wasn't. It would have been the best thing. Because it meant that you would have been in my life forever. And I wanted that. Hell, I needed that. And then you were gone, disappeared like you'd never been there in the first place. And god, did it hurt. I felt like a piece of me was missing, and nothing has ever been the same since.
"Joel, I don't care that we're not mates. Hell, I don't want to ever find my mate. I don't care about any of that shit anymore. All I care about is that you're in my life and that you'll forgive me and let me be part of yours."
I watched as Joel just stared at me, his eyes wide, and his lips slightly parted.
"I've found my mate," he said quietly, and I felt something inside me break.
I quickly stood up and staggered out of the room before he saw the tears fall down my cheeks.
"Casper wait!" he shouted, following me into the lounge.
I froze, my back towards him, as I frantically tried to wipe away the tears that just kept on falling.
"Casper, look at me," he said.
I stayed where I was.
"Casper, look at me!" he said again a little more firmly.
"No," I replied, taking in some deep breaths.
"Casper, look at me now!" he commanded.
I wiped at my eyes one last time before slowly turning to face him.
"Touch me," he said, holding his hand out towards me.
"Why?" I asked, frowning at the idea.
"Just touch me," he said again.
"But you know we're not mates? Why would you say that?" I asked, and I couldn't help the tears that started to fall again.
Why was he doing this? Why was he being so cruel?
"Please Casper, just touch me again?" he said, this time pleading with me.
His eyes met mine and I could see they were full of concern for me. He looked like he was about to cry too.
I wanted to go to him. I wanted to go and grab hold of his face and kiss him, like my life depended on it.
But I couldn't do that. He had a mate. So I just stood there, frozen to the spot.
Slowly he started walking over to me, stopping when he was right in front of me.
He lifted up his hand and placed it on the side of my face, his thumb gently wiping away the tears on my cheek.
I immediately closed my eyes and leaned into his touch.
I felt a warmth spreading out from his hand, through my face and flowing down my body. It wrapped itself around me like a blanket, a feeling of pure bliss leaching into every muscle and every nerve in my body. It felt like heaven.
My eyes snapped open as I looked back at Joel, realisation hitting me like a ten tonne truck.
"I'm your mate," I breathed out, and Joel's face immediately broke into the biggest smile I'd ever seen, and he immediately pulled me into his body and began peppering my face, neck and shoulder with small kisses.
I just stood there in shock, reveling in the small tingling explosions that accompanied every one of his little kisses.
He was mine. He was all mine. After all this time. Here was here, and he was mine. I kept repeating it to myself, hoping it would start to sink in.
"Don't you ever disappear on me again," he growled, before leading my trembling body back into the bedroom and pulling me onto the bed with him. We landed in a heap of tangled limbs and he quickly pulled my body into his, our bodies entwining into one.
My bed, that had felt like it was made of rocks earlier today, suddenly felt like it was the most comfortable thing in the world.
"Oh god, I'm so stupid," I murmured into Joel's hair as I took in deep lungfuls of his addictive scent.
He'd been with me while I was recovering. He'd been lying cuddled up to me in that bed. And then when I woke up alone, I'd just got up and left.
"It's ok, I forgive you," he said, before nuzzling into my neck.
"But I don't understand," I said, pushing him back a little, to look into his eyes. "How can I be your mate?"
"Turns out I was 17," he said, and I felt my eyebrows shoot upwards. "You were right when you said I looked young. Turns out my fake birth certificate had the wrong date on it."
"Oh my god, so I'm mated to a child then!" I said, laughing.
"Hey, I'm 19 now, I'm a man!" he said, slapping my arm lightly.
"Yeah, my little Cub, you keep telling yourself that," I said, ruffling his hair affectionately.
I saw the gold ring in Joel's eyes flare before he rolled us over and pinned me underneath him.
"Casper Bournville, I'll have you know that I'm all man," he said seductively.
"I can tell," I said, grinning at him and nodding my head towards the area where I felt definite movement.
I saw a slight blush creep onto his cheeks and while he was distracted I flipped him over, so that I was on top and he was pinned below me.
"I can't believe you're actually here," I said, staring at the face that had haunted my dreams for the past two years.
"Yes, I'm here," Joel breathed out, his eyes staring deep into mine.
As if drawn in by a magnetic force, I felt myself lean down towards Joel, my lips parted in anticipation. I paused for the briefest of moments to feel his breath on my lips, before I closed the gap, our lips finally connecting.
I closed my eyes and let out a quiet moan as our mouths moulded together, an unbelievable feeling of love and belonging rushing through my entire body.
Joel rolled me off him so we were on our sides, our bodies wrapped around each other, our mouths never losing their connection.
I could kiss him all day. Heck, I wanted to kiss him for the rest of my life.
And maybe I would do just that.
Because he was mine to hold.
Because he was mine to keep.
And I was never going to let him go ever again.