Find My Heart - Chapter 7: Chapter 7

Joel
I liked him instantly.
He was cute as well.
But he gave off an "I'm taken" vibe.
I smiled to myself as I headed towards the address written on the scrap of paper in my pocket.
I hoped I would meet him again sometime.
I strode with purpose to the street I had already passed by several times over the last week. I was going to do it this time though. There was no turning back.
I walked up the street looking at all the doors and the numbers on them until I stopped outside number 15. I pulled the piece of paper out of my pocket just to double check. I don't know why as the address had been engraved into my memory for the last 18 months.
I looked at the small cottage terrace in front of me. It was what people would probably call 'quaint'. It looked small but pretty. There were sky blue shutters pinned back next to the small windows and the royal blue door was situated under a small porch with a pitched roof.
The garden in front of the property was small but tidy, with some ceramic pots by the door filled with purple and yellow crocuses.
It looked more than a house. It looked like a home.
It reminded me of my home, and I felt my gut twist as I was reminded of my adoptive mum and dad who I had not seen for such a long time.
I took a deep breath and walked the few steps up the path, and before I could change my mind, I knocked on the door.
"Just a minute," I heard a voice shout from behind the door.
"Ok," I shouted back.
I looked down at my hands, and frowned as I saw them shaking lightly. I shoved them into the pockets of my jeans.
I never thought that "Ok" would be the first thing I ever said to my mum. If indeed that was my mum. It could have been anyone. Who's to say my mum even still lived here? She could have moved...
The door was suddenly flung open.
"I'm sorry, I was just having a minor cooking incident involving a faulty blender, or at least that's what I like to tell myself when I forget to put the lid on properly..."
I stood frozen looking at the woman in front of me. She had wavy brown hair and warm hazel eyes. And pale skin with a slight pink in her cheeks. And an oval shaped face with a narrow chin and petit nose. And she was beautiful. And she was without a doubt my mother.
And she was covered from head to foot in small blobs of some sort of pink gloop.
I finally realised that she'd stopped talking and was looking at me in much the same way as I was looking at her.
"Joel?" she whispered, so quietly that I only just heard her.
"Yes?"
"Oh my heavens, Joel," she cried this time, throwing her arms around me. "I thought you were dead!"
She gripped onto me tightly and sobbed.
I felt slightly awkward and lightly patted her head, trying to keep clear of the pink stuff, which I could now smell was made from something sweet like strawberries.
"Come in, come in," she said, letting me go and stepping quickly into the house, probably aware that neighbours could be watching.
I followed her, still feeling like I was having an outer body experience, through a small hallway and into a cozy looking living room.
There was a small two seater sofa and a single armchair, both covered in a bright multicoloured blanket. There were small trinkets on a large mantle piece that hovered over a large open fireplace.
"Sit down," she said, gesturing to the armchair, "Can I get you a drink or something to eat?"
I could see the desperation in her face of needing to make herself useful, so I replied, "a coffee would be great," even though I didn't think I could stomach anything at the moment.
I stared at the trinkets dotted around the room, and saw that several of them were were either statues of wolves, or had pictures of wolves on them.
A few minutes later she returned with a mug of coffee and a little pot of sugar cubes.
"I didn't know if you took sugar," she said, holding up the small bowl.
"No, I don't, thanks," I said, taking the mug off her and wrapping my hands around it to feel its warmth.
There was a slight awkward silence while my mother stared at me, and I focussed on blowing the top of my steaming coffee.
"I'm Miranda," she suddenly said, holding out her hand to me.
"Nice to finally meet you Miranda," I said shaking her hand.
I thought I might instantly feel something towards my own mother but rather disappointingly I didn't. I could see how nervous she was in my presence, and I did feel a little bad for her.
"You have a nice home," I said, looking for something to fill the silence.
"Thank you," she said.
She was playing with her hands nervously, and I could see she was bursting with unanswered questions.
Eventually it became too much for her.
"Where have you been all this time? I thought something had happened to you!"
"I'm sorry," I replied, "I didn't mean to cause you so much concern, but I wasn't sure I would be safe here."
"Why wouldn't you be safe here?" she asked, confusion splashed across her face.
I opened my mouth to reply then promptly shut it again as I realised there was no simple answer.
Instead I asked, "How much do you know about the reason I had to leave?"
"I only know that you may have been mated to the alpha's son, but the alpha wanted his son to marry someone from a neighbouring pack, so he ordered his guards to kill you."
I nodded. "That just about sums it up. Well, the night before I left, I happened to tell Casper, the alpha's son, that I had seen a letter you wrote to my mu..Lauren. Up until I read that letter, I assumed you had died. Seen as I had just mentioned you to Casper I couldn't risk it. He might have guessed that I would try to find you."
Miranda looked at me with a frown on her face.
"Surely Casper wouldn't have given your location away would he?"
I shrugged. "I like to hope that he wouldn't, but we didn't exactly part on good terms, so I couldn't be sure."
"No wolf would turn their mate over to be killed," Miranda added.
"Yes, but Casper wasn't my mate."
My mum's eyebrows shot skyward. She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out.
I smiled and shook my head, "that night we fell asleep next to each other and I woke up with his face on my arm. And it turned out we weren't mates afterall."
Miranda shook her head in disbelief. "So there was no need to run then."
"There was every need to run," I said firmly. "Everything just happened so quickly. The alpha had already put the order out to have me killed, and Casper was busy getting married, so it wasn't like he was going to be around to put them straight. My safest option was to run."
Miranda nodded slowly. "But where did you go then?" she asked.
"I don't really know," I replied. "I've been living rogue I guess."
"What all that time?!" Miranda said looking rather alarmed. "But that must have been incredibly dangerous."
"It was!" I said laughing, "but I'm here aren't I?"
In reality, my time living as a rogue wolf was nothing to laugh about. It had been hard, dangerous, and for the most part very lonely.
I had several battle scars on my body from fights with other rogue wolves. I had felt severe pain, and I had inflicted severe pain on others, and I couldn't tell you right now which left the worst emotional scars.
Miranda reached out and touched the back of my hand. "I'm glad you're here Joel, and I hope you can stay and rest here for a while."
I shrugged. "I've nowhere else to go."
Miranda smiled, but I could see the sadness in her eyes.
I tried my best not to keep staring at her, but it was hard. I always had a picture of my mum in my mind, and even though I guessed many of her features, the overall picture was still just not what I was expecting.
I suddenly realised that I also had a lot of unanswered questions.
"Why did you give me up? If you don't mind me asking..."
My mum smiled, but looked down to the hands on her lap.
"Of course you need to know, and you can ask me anything you want," she said.
She smiled, a genuine one this time, and her eyes glazed over like her mind had taken her someplace far away.
"I was young, and in love. His name was Robert. He was strong, and handsome, and very charming, and I fell in love with him instantly."
I couldn't help but feel a warm glow at her words.
"I would bump into him on nights out in town, and we would always somehow end up together, just the two of us, talking until the early hours of the morning. And every night, as I was leaving to go home, he would kiss me goodnight. Nothing wild and passionate. Just a slow lingering tender kiss. It was always the highlight of my night."
I could see her cheeks starting to glow with a rosy pink hue from the memory.
"After a few months, I started to get a little frustrated. We got on so well together. There was clearly chemistry between us, but he would never do anything more than that one kiss at the end of the night.
"It took a long time to build up the courage, but eventually one night, I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend. The look he gave me, I could only describe as horrified. I turned around and ran away before he could even give me an answer.
"We didn't have mobile phones or social media back then, so it was very easy to avoid him. I didn't see him for about 6 weeks, but then I bumped into him again one night. The moment our eyes met, it was like someone flicked a switch inside us. Without breaking eye contact, we walked over to each other and just fell into a passionate embrace.
"My roommate was out that night, so I took him back to my flat, and one thing led to another, and I'm sure you can guess what happened."
I looked away from her, partly to hide my embarrassment at having to imagine my mum and dad doing 'it', and partly to give her a little privacy to collect herself.
"Anyway, after we had finished, Robert became really anxious and I could see that he regretted it. I thought he might have another girlfriend and he was cheating on her with me. So I confronted him about it. And then he told me the one thing that I thought I would have never believed. He told me he was a werewolf, and that he was waiting to find his mate, and although he hadn't found her yet, he knew she was out there, and he'd wanted to wait.
"Of course, I didn't believe a word of it, and was in the process of kicking him out, when he just changed, right in front of me.
"I'll never forget that moment. I was in complete awe of this beautiful creature that stood in front of me. I probably should have been frightened, but I wasn't at all. His wolf was huge. It was brown with a black v shape on his chest."
"That's the same as my wolf!" I said, for some reason shocked that I would take after my father in some way.
Miranda smiled, probably pleased that I had found at least some connection to my father. She continued.
"We carried on seeing each other. It was hard, because I could see that he felt guilty, but we were just drawn to one another.
"Then one day, we were due to meet up, and he just never showed up."
I could see that her face had changed. Gone was the wistful expression, and it was replaced by sadness and pain.
"I didn't see him again for 6 weeks and in that time I found out I was pregnant. When he finally did show up, I hit him over the head with my handbag. He was quick to apologise, but told me that the reason he never came was because he had found his mate. He looked so thrilled about it and while he told me all about her, I felt my heart smash into a million pieces. It just seemed so unfair."
Miranda had paused, so I asked, "Did you tell him you were pregnant?"
"Yes," she said nodding, "I didn't say it to try to get him back. I knew that there was no chance of that. I told him because I was frightened. I was frightened about having to bring up a baby on my own, and I was frightened about what it would mean to have a child that was half werewolf.
"He cried. A lot. I could see how guilty he felt. He made it clear that there was no way he could help raise the child. He explained that if his mate found out about you, she might try to kill you. But he did say he would do everything he could to make sure I wasn't alone.
"He explained that my child would either be human or werewolf, and there was no middle ground. I had to hide my pregnancy from everyone, because if you turned out to be a werewolf, I wouldn't be able to keep you.
"I hope you don't feel bad when I tell you that I prayed every day that you would be human. As I started to feel you moving around inside me, I could feel my love for you growing stronger every day.
"Robert had put me in touch with a midwife who knew about werewolves. Even though she was human, she was actually mated to one. When you were born, I could see from the look on her face that you were a wolf. She looked at me with pity. But the moment I saw you, the little brown ball of fluff, I was instantly in love.
"I wanted so badly to keep you. Despite Robert warning me not to, and him constantly finding you adoptive werewolf parents, I kept refusing to give you up.
"It was so weird to have a child who was a pup one minute bounding round the room, then a baby the next, just lying stationary on the floor.
"It was when you turned two that it got hard. Your wolf had grown quite big, the size of a medium dog, but you still had the temperament of a two year old. So rather than have a tantrum like any other 2 year old, when you didn't get your way, you would change into your wolf and start destroying the house.
"I wasn't coping. I was permanently isolated because I couldn't risk anyone seeing you turn into a wolf in front of their eyes, and you were getting too big for me to handle. Robert explained that when a cub was getting out of hand the parent would turn into a wolf themselves and give it a nip to teach it a lesson. I couldn't do that, and I couldn't bring myself to hurt you in any other way either.
"It wasn't long after that, that the decision was kind of made for me. I'd put you down in your cot for a nap, and I was making tea. I heard a thump from upstairs, so ran up to see what had happened. You had turned into your wolf and had chewed through the bars of the cot, then had chewed through the wire to the lamp on the bedside table, giving you an electric shock. I found you lying unconscious on the floor.
"I rang Robert in a panic. He told me that you would be fine, and that werewolves could withstand a lot more than a human could. And then he told me off for calling him. He said that his wife was next to him when I rang and that I could have put us both in danger. I knew I couldn't do it anymore, and that I had to give you up. I knew that you needed to be raised by those who understood you, and knew how to keep you safe.
"Two weeks later, Robert introduced me to Lauren and Mike. And a week after that, you had gone."
I watched as Miranda hastily rubbed a tear from her cheek. My throat started to feel scratchy and it was hard to swallow. It didn't feel like it was me in the story. I had been blessed with a happy childhood, not knowing anything of my mother, but her story was heartbreaking. I couldn't even begin to imagine what it must have been like to have to give up a child who you loved so much.
"I'm sorry," I managed to choke out.
"Oh don't be sorry love, none of this is your fault."
"I know," I said, "but I'm still sorry that you had to go through that."
"But look at you now," she said, "you've grown up to be big and strong, just like your father."
I frowned slightly at her words. "So did my dad have a role in his pack that you know of, was he a guard?"
"No, he was the Beta."
My eyebrows shot up. "The Beta?"
"Yes. He was the Beta."
My head started spinning. "I can't believe it. I have Beta blood?"
"I thought you would be able to tell," she said, "look at you. Did no one question your size?"
I looked down at my body, not really to look at it, more in disbelief that I was staring at a possible Beta.
"My wolf always seemed a bit bigger than everyone else's, but to be honest, my human body has only really developed over the last year. When I was living at home, I was considered quite scrawny really."
"Well, they can't say that anymore!"
"No I guess they can't" I said quietly, thinking of all the friends I had left who I would probably never see again.
I suddenly felt a wave of exhaustion wash over me, the events of the day finally catching up with me.
"Let me show you to the guest room," Miranda said, seeming to read my mind. "It's yours for as long as you want to stay here."
"Thank you," I said, with genuine feeling.
The moment she left me alone in the room, I flopped onto the bed. It was unbelievably soft. It was how I imagined sleeping on a cloud would feel like. This would be the first time I had slept in a bed for months.
I could feel myself slowly drifting off into a long awaited peaceful sleep.
For the first time in a long while, I thought about Casper. He was like a distant dream. But I could still remember his scent, and it still brought me comfort.
There were moments when I first left home that I really hated him. I hated him for shouting at me, for something that wasn't my fault. I hated him for being the reason that I was on the run. And I hated him for getting married and going on with his life like I never even existed.
But I also missed him. And grieved for him. And wanted so much to see him again.
But that was a while ago now. I had barely even thought about him over the last few months.
Maybe one day I would see him again.
Maybe one day I would finally get to say a proper goodbye.