Find My Heart - Chapter 9: Chapter 9

Nathan
"FUCK IT!" I roared, while smashing the shit out of an old wooden dining chair.
"Oh, I hope that wasn't an antique," came an annoyingly prissy voice from behind me.
"I hope it fucking was," I growled back.
I looked over at Ronan and shot him my best warning glare.
"Now, now, my little brooding beast, you know that 'this'" he said waving his arms towards me, with his nose in the air, "is not my, nor that chair's fault."
"Then who's fucking fault is it then? Because I'm just looking to smash someone's face in right now."
"Then go find a mirror you dumb prick!" Ronan snapped back, clearly losing patience with my insolent behaviour.
I couldn't trust my mouth or my fists, so I stormed straight out of the room, bumping Ronan's shoulder on the way out.
I kept going at a military pace until I was deep in the woods, then I changed into my wolf and ran. I knew I couldn't run far like this in broad daylight, so I ran fast and hard, pounding out my frustration in a huge burst of adrenaline filled rage.
I'd raced right around our new grounds before I finally slumped down in a patch of long grass, my tongue hanging out as I panted heavily.
Only now, as my adrenalin subsided did the reality of what happened hit me.
I'd disrespected my alpha.
I'd never done that before. Not here, and not with any of the other packs I had been a part of.
I hung my head down in shame. I knew if I apologised, Ronan would understand. He wasn't as severe as many alpha's could be, but that wasn't the point. I was brought into this pack on my ability alone. I wasn't born into this job, and subsequently, I felt like I had to constantly prove myself. Not that they asked that of me. I just asked it of myself.
No, it wasn't Ronan's fault. I knew exactly whose fault it was.
It was Cole's.
Damn it, why did he keep having to show up in my life? I'd managed to go for nearly 2 months without seeing him, and although the pull was still strong, it was great to think I was two months closer to breaking the bond. Now I would have to start all over again.
What if he kept showing up? What if he never let me break the bond?
It's not like I had much choice over what I did today. I couldn't let him get mauled to death by those brutes. Not that they actually would have killed him. I think.
When we turned into our wolves, our animal instincts often took control of our bodies, and our human logic could take a bit of a back seat. But that didn't mean that it wasn't still in there.
Yes, Cole would have probably got some serious injuries, but they would have held back so as not to kill him. He was trespassing on their land after all.
I closed my eyes and thought of Cole. I couldn't help it. The feeling of him pressed against my chest was still imprinted in my brain. It just felt so warm and comfortable. It just felt so right.
I turned back into my human form, momentarily cursing my wolf for making me have a mate at all.
These feelings were all fake. I knew that. It was just some sort of hormonal rush, brought on by the mating process.
I didn't like Cole. I would never choose to like Cole. It was my body tricking me into thinking I did. And I needed to stay strong and fight it.
I didn't like his insanely messy hair, or his ridiculously small body, or his cute nose, or his beautiful eyes, or his wonderful scent. Oh god, did he smell good.
I stood up, realising that I could still smell Cole on me, and so I headed quickly to my room to have a shower.
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I chanted to myself while taking a shower.
By the time I'd done, I had formulated a plan in my mind.
It didn't take me long to find Ronan, sitting reading in the library.
"I'm sorry," I blurted out, getting straight to the point.
"Apology accepted," Ronan said without even lifting his eyes from the book he was reading.
I hesitated, knowing that this was a clear signal that Ronan wanted to be left alone.
"Can I ask you something, really quickly," I said, needing to get this off my chest now.
Ronan sighed, but lowered his book onto his knee.
"Go on, but make it quick," he said.
I took a deep breath. "Ok, I've been thinking, and I really think that I need to get away from here for a bit, so I was wondering if maybe I could go back home, and help out back there? Maybe I could try and get some more intel on the hunters and what their next move is. I feel like I could probably be more use back there."
Ronan stared at me, not a flicker of emotion passing across his face.
I felt like counting the seconds of silence....1......2.....3.....4......5......6....
"No," he said, then picked his book back up again.
I sort of spluttered in disbelief that he had given it so little consideration.
"No?"
"Yes, no," he repeated.
"Can I ask why not?" I said, doing my best not to get angry again.
The book went back down again, only this time, I could see the frustration on his face.
"What you seem to be forgetting Nathan, is that you are my Beta, not an Omega or a Guard. You are my number two. You are supposed to be by my side at all times. How can you do that if you are not even in the same location as me?"
I opened my mouth to argue, then snapped it shut again. After all, he did have a valid point.
"I know why you want to stay away. I get it. I really do. But I really need you here right now. These are unsettling times, and we have a lot of work to do to make this our home. In fact, I've got a project that I want you to lead on. It might help take your mind off things."
I looked at him sceptically. Ronan actually helping me? Well I guess there was a first for everything.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Well, I've noticed that some of the pack are struggling with the idea of integrating ourselves with the humans, so I've come up with a way to sort of force the issue, so to speak."
I wasn't liking the sound of this already.
"Go on."
"Well, the agent who sold us the manor said that most of our land is actually protected British Woodland, and as such we have an obligation to actively manage it to help preserve it. Now I don't have a clue how to do that, so I thought that we could enlist some help from the nearby college. Maybe get a set of students in to do some surveys, or whatever they need to do, then set up a management plan for us. Maybe even help with some of the work that must be long overdue. What do you think?"
What did I think! Ha! He knew exactly what I thought. I bit back my snarky response though and simply said, "Do you not think that it might be a problem for me, seen as I'm trying to avoid someone?"
Ronan had the audacity to look surprised by my response.
"That's a bit of a presumption. Maybe he is college age, but does that mean he goes to college? Or indeed this college? And who's to say he would be interested in this project? Just see how it goes. If on the small off chance, he does become involved, I'll reconsider your role in the project. Is that fair?"
I was ready to argue. Because I knew he would want to be involved. Of course he would. I couldn't keep him out of our grounds, and now we were basically offering out a free pass to anyone who wanted to come in.
But then Ronan had thrown that last little snippit in there. The bit where I could pull out of the project if he became involved.
If he was here as an invited guest, at least I could stop worrying about him sneaking in and getting attacked. And as I would know exactly when he would be here, I could just make sure I wasn't. Maybe it would work.....
"Ok, I'll agree to that," I said, "as long as you agree to take me off the project if he gets involved."
Ronan thought it over for a few seconds. "Ok, as soon as you find someone to take your place, you can leave the project."
"Fine," I said, relieved to have that confirmed. It wouldn't be hard to find someone else to take over. I was the Beta afterall, I could just tell someone they were taking over.
Problem solved.
I left Ronan alone to his book and decided to go and take a quick nap.
I wondered what Cole was doing.
I covered myself up with my duvet up and shut my eyes, imagining that he was curled up beside me.
I felt the tension from the day melt away as I imagined myself taking a deep breath, breathing in his wonderful scent.
Throughout the day, I fought hard to bury my emotions and feelings. I had to, to be the best that I could be.
At night, or at least in my bed, I let myself indulge. I let myself be whoever I wanted to be.
And right now, I wanted to be with Cole.