Fire & Ice - Chapter 19: Chapter 19

That next morning when I woke up, it felt like I got hit by a freight train. My whole body hurt and nothing I did would lessen the pain at all. It was so bad I almost called Travis to ask him to bring me back to the hospital. It took a few more seconds for things to sink in with what happened and I slowly sat up in bed. That was a big mistake because I cried out in pain. I managed to get a few shallow breaths in before Cassie pushed through my bedroom door. Worry was written all over her face and I knew she was expecting something much worse. Slowly I pulled my tee shirt up my side and looked down. My whole left side is blue and purple. I've had my fair share of hockey injuries but this is up there with my concussion.
"Are you okay Mac?" Cassie asked and came over to me.
"Everything hurts" I said and tried to calm down. The more I panic, the worse the pain is. But every time I tried to take deep breaths I would get sharp shooting pain up and down my side.
"Hey, focus on me, follow my breathing." Cassie said and got right in my face, forcing me to focus on her. She put my hand on her chest and I was able to feel her take each breath of air. Slowly, I was able to start to match her. We must have been at it for at least a half an hour by the time I felt like I was in enough control to use my voice.
"I need some food, more pain killers and a bath, I still smell like hospital." I said started to get a whiff of myself.
"Well come on then, my mom is making breakfast and after you finish we can work on the other two." Cassie said and stood from my bed.
"You called your mom?" I asked thrown a little bit.
"Yea, after you left last night, I kind of panicked and called her, she came down this morning so Chad could make his game today." Cassie said nervously. "Also I have a surprise for you."
Cassie didn't say anything else but just held her hand out for me to take. Slowly I got out of bed and together we slowly walked out of my room. Standing in the kitchen is Willa, talking with my mom.
"Mom?" I asked so confused. When she heard my voice mom turned around and walked right over to me.
"How are you feeling Mac?" Mom asked and took in my lip.
"Like I got crushed by a truck, what are you doing here?" I asked still finding it hard to believe she is actually here right now as mom ran her hand under my lip.
"I saw the hit McKenna, I have eyes, when you went down it wasn't like the first hit Tatiana threw. That was to just catch you off guard, this one was meant to injure. When Travis saw your ribs he told me how bad it was I got on the earliest flight I could. My boss saw the hit and she cleared my schedule this week for me to come out." Mom said and put her hand on my shoulder.
I didn't know what to say. Tears started to well in my eyes and I just walked into my mom's arms. I just clung to her as my mom held me. I don't know how long I stood there for but finally my mom pushed me off of her and into a chair. Mom wiped her eyes and took a breath before she bent down and slowly lifted my shirt. The moment my ribs were on display I heard her suck in a breath.
"You're sure nothing is broken?" Mom asked studying my chest.
"Yea, the doctor said three ribs are bruised, nothing is broken or fractured." I answered.
Mom didn't say anything else and slowly let go of my shirt. When it was back in place Willa came over and gave me a hug and a kiss on the top of my head and placed a plate in front of me, on it sat a chocolate frosted donut and a bear claw from the coffee shop in Cassies hometown.
Cassie gave me a cup of coffee and water along with a pill as I finished off the donut. Before she could pull her hand away I took it in mine and brought it to my lips. When she let go Cassie brought her hand to my cheek forcing me to look up at her. Her eyes were misty but she gave me a smile. I returned the smile and leaned my head into her hip for a few moments before I went back to eating breakfast. When I was finished I took the pill and downed the last of the water before I slowly stood up.
My mom was right by my side as we made our way to the bathroom. Next up on my list was to shower. I still smelled like hospital and I just wanted to get clean. When I had the concussion, mom had to help me shower basically every night because of my lack of balance. It didn't take long before I was clean again and I felt a bit better. The pain killer started to kick in and it didn't hurt as much to move around. Mom helped me throw on a loose tee shirt and some sweats before we walked back into the living room.
Cassie and her mom were both dressed and looked like they were getting ready to go out somewhere. I tried to hide the disappointed look on my face but I think Cassie saw it when she turned and saw us coming out from the bathroom.
"We were going to catch a bit of Chads game, give you a chance to rest." Willa said with a bright red Wisconsin Hockey sweatshirt on.
"Oh okay" I answered and clenched my jaw. I knew I couldn't look at them, if I did the emotion would be written all over my face. So I just kept my head down and slowly made my way to my room and closed the door behind me.
I tried to let go of the extra emotion I had suddenly, but usually the only thing that works in these situations is hockey. Now that hockey is off the table there really isn't much else for me to do but actually sit here and just feel. But as the feelings start to seep in it felt like there is a hole in my chest and I didn't know what to do to stop the ache of my heart being pulling out from it. Carefully I sat down on my bed and tried to think of something to do to try and distract myself from this pain. All of my homework is done, my attention span isn't long enough to try and play a game on my phone, I could just wait in here until my team started to play there game, but right now hockey is the last thing I wanted to watch. Sitting on this bed, staring at these walls makes me feel like I'm in a cage.
Just as I was about to get up and see if I have an old practice stick in my closet, my door opened and Cassie walked in. She didn't say anything as she closed the door behind herself and down next to me on my bed. We both sat in silence for a few minutes, I don't think either of us knew what to say. I knew I had to take a few deep breaths to keep my voice from cracking.
"I thought you were going to the game?" I asked when I finally had enough of a handle on my emotions.
"I made your mom go in my place. She was about to kick your door down before I stopped her." Cassie said and gave me a little smile to try and break the sudden tension between us. "Why did you come in here and start sulking?"
I didn't want to give Cassie the real answer. I didn't want to say that all I wanted was to just curl up in her arms and fall asleep on the couch with the hockey game on in the background. I didn't want to tell her it hurt that she was just going to go out with her mom to watch Chad play, even though I shouldn't be upset with her for that one, he is her brother after all. And most of all, I didn't want to let it slip how hard I've fallen for her.
"I'm not sulking." I answered deflecting.
"You know, I didn't fall asleep last night until Chad gave me a Xanax." Cassie said and looked over to me. "That was after I called my mom. She talked me down enough from having Chad take me to the hospital to see you. Even though you said that it would take that long and that you would be back, I couldn't help but panic. Toni kept texting me updates while you were getting looked at and it helped a bit but not enough. Finally Chad gave me the pill. I literally couldn't sleep without you next to me."
"I didn't want you to leave." I said quietly.
"Then why didn't you just say so Mac?" Cassie sighed.
"Because your mom is here and she wanted to see Chad, I didn't want to take you away from that." I answered.
"I've seen more of Chads games this year than I ever had. He understands, I want to be here with you McKenna." Cassie said.
"All I wanted was to curl up with you and watch the game." I said and turned faced her.
"Then lets go do that." Cassie said and gave me a smile. It didn't completely reach her eyes but it did settle me.
"I've never had this before and I don't want to ruin it Cas. Sometimes I don't know how to ask for things and I don't want it to come off as needy or dependent so I just don't say anything at all." I said and finally looked up into her eyes.
I could see Cassie soften and she moved closer to me. Her hand came up and cupped my cheek. She didn't say anything as she ran her thumb across my cheek bone. I closed my eyes at the feeling and felt some of my anxiety settle. Just as I opened my eyes I felt Cassie press a kiss to my forehead.
"Mckenna, I just want you to talk to me. I don't want you to hide anything yourself or what you're feeling inside because you'll feel needy. Just tell me baby." Cassie said and looked me in my eyes. I just nodded at her but I felt Cassie grip my neck and made me look her in the eyes again.
"Promise me baby, I want to hear it in words." Cassie said.
"I promise to tell you, only if you do the same in return." I said.
"Deal, now how about we movie this to the couch to watch the game." Cassie said.
I only nodded and together we walked to the couch. Cassie made me sit down while she got the game up and running along with a few waters, my phone, some snacks, and a blanket. It took us a few minutes to get in a comfortable position together but once we found I knew it wouldn't be long until I feel asleep. Cassie kept running her hand through my almost dry hair and I looked up at her. She must have felt my eyes because she turned her head down to look at me and her hand slowed in my hair.
"I just want you to know that I love you Cass." I said. I couldn't sit here hiding it from her anymore, especially after I just promised her that I would be honest with her. Cassie didn't say anything but leaned down and her lips mine. She was gentle with the cut on my lip and slowly pulled away.
"I love you too McKenna." Cassie said and pressed her forehead to mine. Neither of us said anything for a few moments, just soaking in the air of our love confession. Finally Cassie started to run her hand through my hair again and she slowly pulled away from me. I settled in her arms again and let the feeling of being loved wash over me. It didn't take long after the moment for sleep to take me.
The first week of being injured sucked, plain and simple. Moving hurt, breathing hurt, laying down hurt, literally everything hurt. The pain medicine only helped so much and I didn't want to keep taking it. I tried to only take it at night to get a good night sleep and only if I was in a lot of pain during the day. Having mom here with me was a big help. She was basically my nurse the whole week, whatever I needed she did.
The team has been over a lot as well. They want to make sure I still felt a part of the team even though I couldn't really go anywhere close to the rink right now. Becca, Stacey and Toni were over almost every day. A lot of times they brought me my homework from my classes and we would just sit in silence studying but it was nice to have them here. Travis has also popped in a few times and even more surprisingly, Chad was often with him. My opinion on Chad started to change a bit over the course of November. I still has my reservations about him, but I really started to feel like he was changing.
Now for Cassie. Every night we went to sleep together in the same bed and I couldn't be happier. It felt like I found my home in her. When mom was with us for the first week, she took a back seat when it came to helping me with things. But after the week was up, mom needed to go back to work and she flew home to Boston. I was finally starting to feel a bit better but I still needed help when it came to things and Cassie was right there, picking up right where mom left off.
The second week the bruising starting to slowly change from the deep blues and purples to lighter shades. Things still hurt but not as bad as the first week, it felt like the edge was finally coming off. I felt a bit more comfortable in a really loose sports bra and I made my way to my classes. Sitting in the desks weren't the best but I needed to go back to class with finals coming up soon. I even made it to practice on Thursday to see how the team was looking. I didn't stay for long because my ribs were pretty sore by the end of the week. Friday brought another session with Dr. Ellis as I felt like I was slacking with seeing him. He was a bit shocked to see me but happy that I did come in. Our session was good. We worked on more communication skills for me to work on with things I want to tell Cassie.
That weekend Cassie went home to have a PT appointment while I stayed on campus. We had home games that weekend so it was easy to have Becca come over after the games we had. I actually went to the games to support the team and it was nice to be at the rink again. We played Minnesota State and we had our first loss of the season. It was shocking to see. We played a really good game; Minnesota State was just better on Saturday. Sunday's game we were better and we played with a lot fight and managed to win over them.
The third week after I got injured was when I started to turn the corner. The blues and purples started to change to greens and yellows. I had my follow up appointment with the ER doctor and he said I was cleared to play again when I felt comfortable. The bruising will probably take a bit of time to go away completely so now it was just up to me and my comfort level.
After my appointment on Monday, I went to practice on Tuesday and laced up my skates. Marissa got the report from the doctor and she told coach Decker and they told me it was up to me to decide. I just skated around with my stick on Tuesday. I wanted to see how my body felt with the cardio and the heavy breathing I would be doing. It definitely wore me out quickly and I watched most of the practice from the bench, but hey it was a start. On Wednesday I went to the rink after class to get a skate in and it was nice to have the place mostly to myself. There were a few small groups of private lessons but I had mostly free reign.
On Thursday I went back to practice and laced my skates up again. I continued to skate and coach had me run a few agility drills to see how my ribs are doing. When I thought I could still take on some more I picked up my stick and joined everyone in line to take some shots at goal. I only managed to take a few shots before pain spiked up through my side when I took a heavy slap shot. I bent over in shock and it took me a few second to recover. Once I did I got off the ice. As I got over to the bench I grabbed my stick and swung it over the bench and watched it shatter in half. I didn't bother picking up the pieces as I walked down the tunnel into the locker room.
It didn't take me long to get my gear off, I wanted to be out of the locker room before the team came back in but I wasn't fast enough. Everyone could sense my bad mood and just as I grabbed my bag to leave coach called my name and pulled me into his office.
"I know you're frustrated McKenna but you can't break your stick like that." Coach said and rubbed his head. "You aren't coming with us on the trip to Dartmouth College this weekend. If you show up to practice next week and pull another stunt like that you won't be on the trip to Boston either."
My eyes snapped to his and I could feel my blood pressure rising. Even though I haven't been playing, I came to the home games this past weekend to watch and be a part of the team. It meant a lot to me and the team to be around. But now I just got benched because I broke a stick. Coach knows it will be hard for me to come up with the money to go home if he kicks me off the Boston trip too.
"Even though you are a freshman you are breaking records left and right. The other girls on the team look up to you and your leadership. The way you are able to skate and play out there makes you the best in the nation. I have no doubts you'll be wearing an A next season but you can't take out your anger on equipment like that. If you need help controlling your frustrations Dr. Ellis has office hours today until 5pm. Don't come back to practice unless you changed your attitude McKenna, you're dismissed." Coach said.
I wouldn't be surprised if he could hear my molars grinding on each other as I grabbed my backpack and stormed out of his office. I slammed just about every door I walked out of on my way back to the dorm. When I got there I threw my bag into the living room and turned around and punched the door before letting out a scream in frustration.
With my hand hurting and side still in pain I just turned around and slid down the door. By now I thought I would be able to be back at mostly full practice or even playing in games this weekend. Looks like both are wrong.