Fire & Ice - Chapter 35: Chapter 35

When I woke up the next morning I almost thought I was dreaming. My bed was so warm and comfortable I didn't want to move, especially with Cassie wrapped around me and Frank sleeping at the foot of my bed. But as I continued to stir, Cassie woke up and gave me smile. We got out of bed a few minutes later and I unpacked my luggage. Well I didn't really unpack, I just turned it over on my bed and started to pull things out. The one thing I wanted most is my NCAA trophy. When I had it in hand, I looked over at Cassie and saw her sitting on the edge of the bed, in one of the sweatshirts that came out of my bag, petting Frank who looked very content.
The sheer domestic vibes that this moment gave off made me pause for a second. This could very well be a glimpse into what my future looks like. Cassie and I possibly married, living together in a house of our own with a dog on a lazy Sunday morning with nothing else to do but cuddle and relax. My heart clenched at the thought that this could be my forever one day and I almost teared up. I took in the view for another minute while getting my emotions under control.
"Ready for breakfast?" I asked her and Frank's head popped right up.
"When you are." Cassie said.
Together we walked downstairs with Frank who bolted down in front of us. He started barking up a storm and I just opened the back door for him to go outside. Just as I shut the door, I heard foot steps behind me and found a very spiky haired Alyssa looking around the kitchen.
"Good morning?" I questioned while trying to hold back a laugh. Cassie didn't find it too amusing as she hit me in the arm.
"I forgot you were home, sometime Frank doesn't stop barking for like 10 minutes if you don't let him out. It was my turn to let him out. Seeing as he is out, I'm going back to bed." Alyssa said and turned right around and walked down the hallway to her room with mom.
When the door shut I couldn't help but laugh. Cassie joined me and when we calmed down we started making breakfast together. I felt like we were back in our dorm room together just the way we moved around with practiced ease and a few stolen kisses here and there. Now that the season is over, all the extra stress is off my shoulders and I just get to relax and be in love, something I'm very much looking forward too. As we finished eating our breakfast, I got breakfast together for Frank and let him back inside to eat.
With him munching next to us I got a cup of coffee together for Cassie and started washing all the dishes from breakfast. After they were in the dish drain drying, I made my own cup of coffee before sitting down with Cassie at the island. Before I could say anything a door opened down the hall and my mom walked into the kitchen a few seconds later looking a bit more put together then Alyssa did.
"Good morning." Mom said as she started to get her own cup of coffee brewing.
"Morning, do you have a preference where I can put this?" I asked and pushed my trophy in front of me.
"That is going right on the mantle under the TV. It needs to be front and center." Mom said and picked up the trophy and brought it into the living room.
"You're still okay with me taking your car over to the house so I can pack up my stuff right?" I asked and took a sip of my coffee.
"Yup, the keys are hanging on the hook by the door. There are plenty of empty boxes, tape and markers at the house already. So you can pack up everything you want to bring and leave it in the living room. I'm having the movers come again next week to take the last of the stuff we want. Anything that's left will be donated or just thrown out depending on how used they are. Also I want to take you shopping one day while you are here to get you some more furniture for your new room." Mom said after she came back into the kitchen.
"That works" I said and finished my cup of coffee.
"How is your shoulder doing since you aren't wearing the sling?" Mom asked.
"It feels pretty fine right now. If it starts to bother me I'll wear the sling." I said and gave mom my mug to wash.
"And Cassie, how are you doing this morning?" Mom asked.
"I'm good, my leg feels much better." Cassie said.
"I'm glad to hear it. McKenna probably told you last night but if you need anything, there is a very certified trauma doctor down the hall and an emergency room RN standing right in front of you." Mom said.
"I'll keep that in mind. Thank you Felicia." Cassie said and gave mom a smile.
Cassie and I sat at the island for a little bit longer before going upstairs to get dressed to go out. The late March weather isn't super cold so I was comfortable enough in just a sweatshirt and jeans. Cassie followed up my look in her own sweatshirt and jeans and we were ready to go. I took the keys from the hook and said bye to mom before Cassie and I were out the front door. Mom's jeep started right up but it took me a second before I pulled out of the driveway. I had to look up directions on how to get back to my old house from here.
It only took about ten minutes to get over to my old house. It looked strange. All of the personal effects were gone. Mom took down the University of Wisconsin flag from the flag pole and her few lawn signs were gone too. Cassie and I got out of the car and I walked up the steps to the front door. Sitting on the front porch is a large box addressed to mom and me. I thought it was weird but I'll bring it back to the new house and open it there. So I just put it in the back seat of the Jeep and met Cassie at the front door again. Using the old key I unlocked the door and pushed my way inside. There are stacked boxes lining the wall where the couch was all marked and ready to go for the movers.
"It's weird right?" Cassie asked as I looked around the living room.
"Yea, well this is where I grew up for better or worse, mostly worse." I said and looked around the room. The coffee table and rug were gone from the middle of the room and when I looked at the spot where I hit my head, my stomach rolled. There on the old wooden floor boards was a little red patch. The blood that mom tried to get out but couldn't so she bought a rug to cover it up.
"McKenna?" Cassie asked breaking out of my memory. My eyes met hers and she was by my side in a second.
"After he pushed me into the table and they took me to the hospital, mom didn't come back home for days. When she did, my blood dried into the floor and no amount of cleaning could get it out so she got a rug to cover it up. But now there is no rug." I said and pointed to the spot on the floor. Cassie looked at it for a second before pushing a box over to spot.
"No rug but now a box. How about you so me your room?" Cassie asked and rubbed her thumb over my knuckles.
I just nodded and pulled her along the hallway to my little room. Looking at it now, it is so small. My dorm room is bigger then this. I took a seat on my bed and just looked around. Mom didn't come into my room at all while she was packing up the house.
"Your childhood bedroom is supposed to be a safe space, and it was for so long until he found my pride flag. I still don't even know how he found it. I tucked it into a shoebox under a pair of shoes in the back of the closet. But he found it and then beat an answer out of mom before I got home from that game. Even though mom tried to hide what PJ was doing to her, the walls are thin here and she couldn't hide all of the bruises. God, now that I'm here, all I want to do is leave." I said and ran my hand through my hair.
Cassie didn't say anything for a minute as old memories filtered through my fractured brain. Ones that I wished the concussion would have taken away. I just sighed and looked around again. Before another memory could take me, Cassie turned my head to face her. Her thumbs ran over my cheekbones and I let a little bit of my sadness go.
"There are empty boxes in the living room. You start getting your clothes together and I'm going to get the boxes. The sooner you get your clothes together, the sooner we get to leave and you'll never have to come back." Cassie said looking me in the eyes.
When I nodded, Cassie got up off the bed and started to move back into the living room. While she left the room I started to pull all of the remaining clothes out of my closet and dumped them on the bed. When everything was out of the closet, Cassie returned with two large empty boxes already taped together. I didn't care about folding anything so I just took the pile off my bed and dumped it into a box. When the mountain was gone from my bed, I moved onto my nightstand. That was easier, all I had to do was take the draws out of the nightstand and dump it right into the box.
Next up I got down onto the floor and turned on the flashlight of my phone. Once it was on, I crawled a little under my bed and looked around. I pulled out the few bags of things I had under my bed along with the random pieces of clothing that were stuck under here before crawling back out. I left those on the floor for a minute as I turned my flashlight back off.
"After he found the flag I had to find a new hiding spot. I'm just happy he didn't open the box underneath that one." I said to Cassie while I picked up my nightstand and moved it over.
I bent down onto the floor again and pull up the loose floorboard. Sitting under the floor is another shoe box. This one bigger then most, wrapped in a plastic bag to keep weather and bugs out of it. I put the floorboard back into place and sat down on the floor for a second and pushed the bag off the box. I didn't bother opening the box right now though. If I did it would lead down another rabbit hole I rather not go down. So I just stacked it on the floor with the other boxes and stood up again and went back to the closet.
It took about another half an hour to get all of my shoes and miscellaneous things out of my closet and into the second box. After that was done I taped up the boxed and Cassie wrote on them what's inside before we moved them out into the living room together. I stacked my boxes with the rest that were here before going into the kitchen to look things over. It looks like mom already took everything out of the kitchen so there was nothing left in the cabinets.
With everything else already packed up, I took Cassie outside with me to the garage and opened the door to find mom didn't take my hockey net with her yet. I made quick work of everything I wanted in the garage which was basically all of my hockey things. With a little help from Cassie we moved everything into the middle of the garage to make it easier for the movers next week. I also gave mom a call to ask if there was anything in here that she wanted and she told me that she completely forgot to go through the garage and she will look through it herself next week with the movers.
But then, that was it. Everything I wanted to take with me was packed up, labeled and ready to be moved. With one final look around the house I closed the door and locked it behind me. I stood out front for a few minutes and took a picture of the house before Cassie and I got into the car and drove off. On our way off the block, I actually stopped in front of Travis' house to show Cassie how close he lives to me.
We stopped to grab Taco Bell on the way back home and I got to show Cassie some of my old haunts while we drove. I had an idea of taking Cassie out to the pond later in the week when the weather is going to warm up a bit as a date for us to get some time alone. But I still had some planning to do before we could go.
When we got home a little while later, Cassie opened the door for me while I carried in the box that was left on our old doorstep.
"Mom, we're back." I yelled as I kicked the door shut behind me and walking the box into the kitchen.
"What is that?" Mom asked as she came into the kitchen right behind me. Alyssa was already here, just washing the last of what looks like there lunch dishes.
"I don't know, it was outside by the door when we got to the house. Did you order something for us?" I asked and used the house key to slice open the tape.
"I definitely didn't. Is there a return address?" Mom asked and came over to look at the lid.
There was nothing written on the shipping label other then our address and my stomach took a tumble. My hands started to shake as I pulled open the lid to find two letters sitting on top of some tissue paper. One addressed to mom, one to me. I reached inside and pulled out the letters and looked mom in the eyes. I could see the same fear run through her as she took her letter from my hand and opened it. Barely able to take a breath, I did the same and pulled out the letter written in my fathers hand writing.
Mckenna, if you are reading this letter that means I died. I don't know how, or when, or even if you will ever receive this, but if you did, then that means I'm no longer here. I know I was never a good father to you and I definitely was not a good husband to your mother but I just wanted you to have some things. If you don't want them, by all means burn the box and this letter too. The instructions in my will were very clear to my executor, I have been dead for one month by the time you are reading this and there will be a follow up letter containing two death certificates and a letter if you wish to find out how it happened. There was no service, no wake and no plot to be buried in. I only wished my mother would be present for the cremation if she was willing to attend, but I know that even she wouldn't want to be present for how horrible of a son I was to her.
I am sorry for my actions McKenna. I know you will never believe me but I truly mean it. When I pushed you into that table I knew my life was over. I was on such a downward spiral and that was my rock bottom. I deserved the sentence the judge gave me. It was not my wish to be released early, my lawyer pushed for it after he came to see me in prison and saw the state I was in. I made a lot of enemy's in my life from being an officer and then a convicted child abuser. Each carry there own weight, but together, even in protective custody, they still found a way to get to me.
When I was released I got to watch a few of your hockey game online and I've never been prouder of you and the player I knew you would become. I just wish I could be around to see it. Please take care of your mom for me. Lord knows I didn't. I wish nothing but the best for you in your life McKenna. ~PJ Bertinelli.
Tears were pouring down my face as my legs finally gave out. My ears were ringing as I threw the letter to the side and tried to stop myself from crying. I dug my palms into my eyes to try and stop crying but it didn't work. Someone grabbed my arms and pulled them away from my eyes and I made out my mom sitting in front of me. Her eyes are bloodshot and her lips are moving but I can't hear anything. Something cold was pressed to the back of my neck and I felt like I could breath a little bit again. I was able to gulp down some breaths and finally noise started to filter back into my ears.
"Focus on me McKenna. Cassie is sitting right behind you. Her arms are wrapped around your waist. Alyssa just put an ice pack on your neck, can you feel that?" Mom asked and I just nodded.
"No, use your words McKenna." Mom asked again.
"Yes, I, the ice pack." I stumbled out even though my throat felt so tight.
"Good hey look here comes Frank, your big stupid loveable Frank." Mom said as a few more tears fell from her eyes. Frank came from behind me and sat right in my lap with his back pressed to me. Mom let go of my arms and I wrapped them around my dog.
"We got Frank because of him." I said and was barely able to hold back another sob.
"Yes, yes we did. But Frank is a big loveable idiot who barely scares off the squirrels in the yard." Mom said and ran a hand over his head.
We all sat in silence for a little bit. I finally started to feel Cassie's arms around my waist and it felt like she was the only thing holding me to the ground. Frank knew there was something wrong with mom and I and he stay right in my lap and only moved to lay down after a while. When I felt calm enough I wiped my face and pulled the ice pack from the back of my neck.
"Can we look at it?" I asked.
"Hey why don't you guys take a little while to relax and you can look in it later." Alyssa said sitting next to me.
My eyes roamed from Alyssa to mom. The sooner we look in the box the sooner we can move on. Right now all I want to do go back a half an hour before and never open this stupid pandora's box but now that we are already here, we might as well go all the way. Mom didn't answer Alyssa as she stood from the floor and grabbed the box. She brought it down onto the floor and turned it over, all of the contents pooling right in the middle of us. That is when Frank moved off of my lap and sat back down next to mom.
My eyes scanned the contents before I reached over and pulled away the tissue paper. There wasn't much here, a few file folders of documents we can look at later, three photo albums, a few small jewelry boxes and a few pieces of old clothes. I went for the clothes first. The thing I picked up was my first hockey jersey when I was a child. It's so small it looks like it would fit on Frank. The next piece was one of PJs old jerseys from his days playing on the police departments team. After that there was a few different shirts and a sweatshirt of his that I remember he used to wear all the time.
I put them all down and looked over at mom. She is crying again and I moved closer to her to see what she is holding.
"He had it this whole time." Mom said and turned the box around to reveal the silver 23 necklace inside a box.
"I was so sure he pawned it off." I said as I remembered going to so many different pawn shops around Boston to see if I could buy it back.
"He ripped it off my neck that night. It was his number before it was ever yours, he gave this to me after you started getting into hockey. I knew he wouldn't have gotten rid of it even if he was out of money." Mom said and snapped the lid close. The other few jewelry boxes that were included in the box contained the cross he always wore, a championship ring from his days playing college hockey, his wedding and pinky ring he always wore and a few watches.
Then the only things left from the box now are the photo albums. They all looked unfamiliar to me so I just took the one that looked the oldest.
"I looked for these for years and could never figure out where they went." Mom said and slid next to me and I opened the cover of the first album.
The first copy of photos in the book are from mom and PJs wedding. I've never seen them before. They both looked so young but the thing that pulled at my heart was that they both looked so happy.
"How old were you?" I asked and pointed to a photo of PJ and mom smiling as they walked back down the aisle.
"We were 20, I just found out I was pregnant with you. When I told him he was so nervous and then a few days later we went out and proposed to me, said he wanted to do things right. We got married three months later and put a deposit down on the house. Then you came along and things were perfect. He was such a good dad in the beginning." Mom said as I started to flip through the album.
In the pictures you could see mom become more pregnant then suddenly there was a baby in the pictures. The pictures in this album go on until I was about 3 years old when the album ends. Mom picked up the next album and she opened it. The pictures started right when the first album stopped. Mom pointed to one stuck in the middle of the book.
"When you were walking good on your own he got you onto skates and that was it. All you wanted to do was go skating with daddy and he took you Mike's rink every day he was off to skate with you. As soon as you were old enough we put you into mites and that was all you wanted to do. PJ was so happy that he got a little hockey buddy." Mom said as we came to a bunch of pictures of me in hockey gear no older then 10.
A side effect of my TBI was memory lose. A lot of my earlier memories from when I was a child and most of the beginning of middle school were lost to me. It was just a black hole. My doctors said that the memories could eventually come back or they could be gone forever. The line they always used was that 'The brain is a tricky thing; healing is different for everybody'.
In the rest of the album were a few pictures of Travis and I, along with a few from my early travel days before I found my permeant home. The last couple of photos in this album were mainly of me playing. They shifted away from happy family photo's to single shots of just me on the ice or after practices. Then the album came to an end.
I took the last album from the floor and opened the cover. The first page was a newspaper article from one of my travel games along with a few pictures. By the time these were taken I was already in middle school and the shift at home happened. PJ was no longer smiling in pictures with mom and I. In the background of one of the pictures you can see PJ and mom mid-argument while Travis and I smiled for the camera.
"There were some complaints filed against him at work for use of excessive force while making an arrest. He ended up breaking some mans arm during the arrest. He was put on desk duty for a few months from it while it blowed over and he was docked pay. He bounced back from that and was put back on regular duty once his punishment was over. Some other things happened at work then that set his career back. Malcolm was worried about him and would try and talk him out of whatever he was trying to do but it didn't work.
"He started to work drunk and then there was a shooting he was involved in. Another officer was shot and almost died because PJ was asleep in his car drunk and missed the call for backup. He was relieved of duty for months and had nothing to do but sit at home with me when I was off shift. Whenever I tried to talk to him about it, he would shut me out until one day I pushed too hard and he hit me."
I stopped flipping the pages and looked up at mom. She wouldn't look me in the eye. All she did was take the album from my hands and flipped the pages. Mom stopped and clenched her hands around the album for a few seconds before she let it go and flipped the page one more time. My hand flew to my mouth as I saw pictures of mom littered with cuts and bruises.
"I put these pictures in this album one day in case he went to far. I always left it out on the book case hoping that someone might flip through it and see them and would pull us from that fucken house because I was never strong enough to take us away from there myself. I was scared that if I did leave he would find us and bring us back. But nobody did and he pushed you into that fucken table and the only thought going through my head was that if you, if you didn't open your eyes again, I was going to kill him then myself because there would be nothing left for me."
Mom still wouldn't look at me as I slammed the photo album closed and pushed it away from us. I pushed it so hard that Frank jumped from the floor and ran after it. I moved in front of mom and cupped her cheeks with my hands, forcing her to look at me.
"He is gone and we are still here. He is never going to hurt us again mom, ever." I said and tried to will her to believe me. Mom didn't say anything for a few minutes but finally she nodded and I breathed a sigh of relief before pulling her into a hug. This trip home just took the most unexpected turn.