For Keeps - Chapter 38: Chapter 38

{Kurt}
Kurt could tell from Jon's quick movements, as his partner chose a mug and tea bag, that Jon was happy and didn't share his nerves about this conversation. That put some heart into Kurt and he tucked his hair behind his ears, taking a breath to just open himself and hope for the best.
"Honestly, love, I've been super nervous to have this conversation with you," Kurt said.
Jon blinked, his body going still while he read him. "Why are you nervous? You've—" Jon put out a hand, then hesitated. "You've done this before."
Kurt was grateful he didn't add, more than a hundred times. Clearing his throat, Kurt shook his head once. "I've never done this before. I mean...I've said this already. You're in a different category than anyone I've been with before now. I'm hoping we wake up together tomorrow and the next day and the next forever and our whole..." He gestured over Jon's body and the kitchen. "...the whole thing matters so much more to me. I don't want to fuck it up." He took a breath, watching Jon.
Jon's mouth curved in a wry smile. "Then we're the same. I've never done any of this and we both know it." Jon tucked the tag of his tea bag around the handle of his mug, and Kurt lifted the kettle off the heat to pour in the water for him. "If we fuck it up, we'll just come back and try again, right?" Jon said softly.
That steadied Kurt a little. "Sure. Let's go with that," he said. He poured himself a cup of tea because it gave him something warm to hug with his cold fingers and reminded him of Grandma Visser.
At the table, Jon clasped his arm briefly, a warm squeeze. "I trust you, Kurt--say what you need to say. I'm just with you for whatever."
Kurt rubbed his face. God, here I go. "Okay. Stop me if you—"Feel like you want to punch something. "—if you need a think break, okay?"
Jon tucked his chin in a nod, watching him with a worried expression.
Kurt straightened, crossing his arms over his chest. The thing about his past hook ups was at least he'd had a baseline and a common language based on whatever they put out there on their profiles. Both parties kind of knew what they were getting into. He missed that here.
"Um, did you do any homework on this?" Kurt asked. "If I use the words top or bottom, dominant or submissive, would you know what I'm talking about?"
Jon's face pinked. "Yes." He laughed under his breath. "Very careful homework. On my home computer. I know what you're saying."
Kurt relaxed a little; that put him in more familiar territory. "So--in general," he said cautiously, "I don't love to top dudes. I just find it...a lot of pressure to perform and it doesn't feel like me." He rubbed his ear, grimacing. "If that's what you're asking--for me to top you--then, um, that wouldn't be my first choice."
Jon cupped his tea between his hands, watching Kurt's face intently. His eyebrows were up and interested, like he was hearing a new thing.
Kurt rolled his shoulders back. "Obviously, you're not a one-time hook up and I can think of ways to make that work. You're stretchy and in good shape and we would go super slow. But, um, I'm worried a bit. About your first time bein' on the bottom when I'm bigger than you. That's just...not something you jump into without some prep ahead. And I never in my life want you doin' something with me that doesn't feel good to you." He took a big breath. "So that's my thoughts on that, so far."
Jon tipped his head. "So what would be your preference?" he asked. "If we were just... hooking up, and I found you on an app or whatever."
Kurt was touched that Jon would ask. It was the most basic piece of information about him that every other partner he'd enjoyed knew already. He flashed Jon a laughing look, catching that spark of humour reflecting in Jon's eyes.
"If you found me on an app, back in the day--first of all, lucky me," Kurt drawled. "But second, you were lookin' for a dominant bottom. That's what I'd volunteer for in a hook up. Thanks for askin', Jon."
Jon glanced up reflectively. "That's not...what you do when we're together now," he said. "Am I understanding that word right? I'm not just a--sub. Sometimes I initiate and lead."
Kurt chuckled, the memory of all the good times they'd shared relaxing him a little more. "Lots of times you initiate and lead. Yeah, I like that about us--we take turns. But we know each other and we've been together lots. I don't need, like, a label to get a quick handle on what's going to work with you for a one-time thing. I know you, Jon. You're a whole complicated person to me. We're a whole complicated thing together, in bed and outta bed."
Jon leaned back to listen with an arm crossed over his chest, his fingers against his mouth. His eyes were darker than usual. "This was something you liked, back in the day? Your other partners were good to you?"
Kurt edged out onto what might be thin ice. The answer to that felt mixed, but he thought the best thing he had was still his complete honesty. "The word 'partner' there...feels weird to me now," he said. He held Jon's eyes a second. "You're my partner. But...yeah, I liked it. I liked a break from Nicky. And a chance to try something different."
Kurt took a breath, held it a second, then let it out. "I mean, I would be lyin' if I didn't tell you once in a while shit went sideways. I wasn't takin' very good care of Kurt then. Alcohol was always a factor."
There was a pause. "Once in while?" Jon's voice was pressed and soft. "Like...how many times? Do you remember?"
Kurt paused to just glance sideways that old history, what he could remember of it. He flashed four fingers open in front of his chest, then added two more, finishing by waving his hand back and forth. "Some of those were black outs. Turns out the only safe Kurt is a sober Kurt," he said.
Jon's eyes were intent on Kurt's face. "And some times with Nicky...were like that? Not good for you?" he asked.
Kurt dropped his eyes. He was pretty sure his body had told Jon this already; he just hadn't said the words. "Yeah, some times with Nicky were like that," he agreed. "Drunk Nicky wasn't...always a thoughtful dude."
His ears burned in the quiet kitchen; he was aware of Jon sitting very still and upright beside him. "And the times you traded--for shit you needed?" Jon's voice was low and uncertain.
Kurt pushed his hands against his chest, his feet against the floor. He did not normally think about those things together. "Different category again," he said slowly. "That was just work. For me. I was drinking like a fish and poor as shit." He glanced up, putting this together for the first time. "Although...I guess there's some overlap, with Nicky. I needed him to keep putting a roof over my head. And we both knew that."
Jon's throat made a dry 'click' swallowing and Kurt didn't hear him breathing anymore. Glancing up, he found the other man's eyes were closed, his whole face creased and his fingers pressed against his nose like he was trying not to cry. Kurt held very still, waiting—that was all his shit laid out between them.
Finally Jon gave himself a hard shake, opening his eyes again and meeting Kurt's. "Okay," he said.
"You're having feelings about that," Kurt said tentatively.
"Yeah I'm having big feelings about all of that," Jon said. His voice was a little rough. "And I'm not putting those on you. It's past and--" He opened his palms toward Kurt. "You owe me nothing, Kurt, from then. Thank you for telling me. So, um. Where's this conversation at? Was there more you wanted to say?"
Kurt took another big breath. "Well--yeah. But now I don't know if you're gonna like it. I was gonna say, for your first time, you should top me. For sure that'll be a good ride for you and we can go from there."
He couldn't interpret Jon's expression; his partner was wearing his neutral, listening face, but his mouth was curving the wrong way to be happy. "Does that gross you out?" Kurt asked.
Jon shook his head once. "Shit happens. I think I'm over it."
Startled, Kurt made a face. "Bish, please. Nothing's sexy like good hygiene. You're never gonna have to worry about that with this gay."
Jon laughed once, pink to the roots of his hair. "This gay is glad to hear it."
Kurt leaned his elbows on his knees, still trying to read his partner's expression. "I guess I thought...maybe you wouldn't be comfortable knowing how many other guys have been inside me?"
Jon waved his hand once, like he took that and tossed it over his shoulder. "You checked out clean last time. It's been months. Am I missing something? Should that gross me out?"
Kurt rubbed his shoulder up to his ear. "Well I was hopin' not," he said in a small voice.
"I've had a think," Jon said, his words a little clipped. "And here's where I'm at with--" He waved his hand at the window, like Kurt's previous hook-ups might be standing in their backyard. "--A hundred and twenty four of those guys. I would shake their fucking hands for being kind to you, Kurt. I would send them flowers for giving you a night out that was happy and made you feel good in your--beautiful gay body. And that. Is where I am at. On that." Jon got up quickly and ran himself a glass of water.
Eyes stinging, Kurt blinked at the familiar shape of Jon's shoulders, his partner's strong freckled arm flexing as he hung onto the edge of the sink. He wiped his eyes with the heel of his hand; the tension he'd been carrying as he headed into this conversation flowed out of his body.
"Thank you for sayin' that, Jon," Kurt said huskily. "I've been pretty down on myself, thinking I fucked something up with you before I even knew you were comin'."
"Nope," Jon said, turning his smile on Kurt, his hands clasping the counter on either side of his hips. He lifted his chin and his mouth hardened a little. "Six drunk dudes and Nicky? Are another story." His voice was very quiet, hard as stone.
He took a slow breath, and Kurt saw the effort he made to move that anger someplace out of his reach. Jon lifted his shoulders and let them drop. "And that's not on you, Kurt. I don't care how much you were drinking then. No one should've taken advantage of you being drunk. They should've...got you home and made sure you were safe. I don't know what kind of fucking humans are running around in the world that don't know to do that for someone."
Kurt laughed unsteadily. "I guess everybody doesn't have your standards, White."
Jon was silent, but his hands tightened on the counter, then released again.
"So is that a yes?" Kurt asked, hugging his arms over the front of his body; his heart was leaping like it wanted to throw itself at Jon. "You're gonna top me?"
"No that is not a yes," Jon said. "I'm not saying yes to something I don't know if you really want to do." He rubbed a hand over his face. "I'm sorry, Kurt, for asking and stirring this old shit up for you. I didn't know...what I didn't know."
Kurt stayed quiet, listening to his own feelings about that. "I'm not sorry you asked," he said finally. "I really gave this a good think." Jon was looking crumpled and small, his face turned aside, and Kurt couldn't stand to have him so far away anymore. "C'mere Jon." He waved Jon over, and his partner stepped willingly into his arms. Kurt tugged him down to perch on his knee, trying to catch his eyes.
Jon would only look sideways at him, his lips trembling now. Kurt brushed his knuckles over Jon's cheek. "Hey," Kurt said softly. Jon blinked and a tear slipped over his faintly freckled skin; he pressed his lips hard, his throat moving as he swallowed.
"Jon." Kurt wiped the tear away with his finger. "You're my safest person. You're my partner and my—husband." The word made Kurt's smile flash through his own teary eyes. "I want to give you all the things, that anyone else has had with me."
Jon turned to look directly at him; his fingers slipped around the back of Kurt's neck, stroking through his hair.
Kurt took a breath, pushing his feet into the floor. "I don't like thinking--my last time was drunk in a shitty van with drunk Nicky." His mouth twisted, tasting the smell of mouldy upholstery, whisky sours and Nicky's cologne. He rubbed his face on Jon's shoulder a second to fill his nose with the smell of their laundry detergent and the musk of his partner's skin instead. Jon's arms wrapped around him, holding him securely. "I want you too," Kurt said, muffled. "I want you to be the last person who's been inside me. I want you touching me all the places. Jonathan White."
He could feel Jon's ribs expanding under his hands, and the weight of Jon on his leg, Jon's smell and his fingers rubbing the nape of his neck, made Kurt's whole body warm. He looked up; Jon had his full lip caught in the tips of his teeth as he read Kurt's face.
"Is this going to hurt you, love?" Jon asked. "I'm not doing anything that hurts you or makes you uncomfortable."
Kurt shook his head. "All healed up and good to go."
"Is it going to trigger you?"
Kurt shook his head again. "You're not gettin' on my back. We'll do it how I like it."
Jon moved a piece of hair off of Kurt's face and tucked it behind his ear. "You're going to like it?" He double-checked. "This is going to feel good to you and not just me?"
Kurt puffed a laugh. "I'm sure it will. I didn't do it a hundred times 'cause I didn't like it. And I never had a roll with you I didn't love."
Jon paused, pinking up again. "Oh wow. I am never going to be able to use that word for Jui Jitsu again," he muttered.
Kurt laughed again.
"Okay." Jon cupped his hands around his face, narrowing his eyes in a small smile. "Then it's a yes from me. But um, regretfully I'm gonna have to say, not tonight. When I'm on holidays we'll have all the time to do all the things, yeah?"
Kurt hummed contentedly. God, what a thought. Jon White not working, not doing school, all his for all day and night. And even when he went back to work, coming home to him the next day and the next. "I'm very much looking forward to it, love."