Forbidden (Completed) EDITING - Chapter 18: Chapter 18

Erica
A woman conflicted, confused... crazy even is what I feel like. I should be in a much better mood than I'm in at the moment. After what happened late last night early this morning. Demarcus sure knows how to make a woman feel good. I don't know how he became so experienced in his short time of living.
I never could've imagined a twenty five year old able to make love, the way me and him have over these months. I expected a lot more of porn like sex, you know over the top and a not very enjoyable from a woman's standpoint. It is the complete opposite with him.
Though, last night was blissful and kept my mind off a lot. Afterwards I still couldn't stop thinking those issues at hand. I feel guilty. For the last few days I have been getting to know David over the phone. Of course this would be when Demarcus wasn't around.
David is a really nice guy, whose around my age. It's just conversation and that's how far I will let it go. He still wants me to go on a date with him. I had to lie and stall him saying why I can't.
"Shit, come on!" I yelled at the car in front of me. I'm already late enough as is. Today is Briana's last fitting for her prom dress before the big night. Another slew of problems on my list. Making sure that day is beyond perfect.
I pulled up to the dress shop. I saw Tammy and Briana's cars already parked. I grabbed my coffee from Starbucks and headed in.
"Sorry, I'm late." I apologized as I took my seat next to Tammy.
"It's fine, I wish I had a reason to be late somewhere. Preferably a young man fucking my brains out at every chance he got." She laughed as she looked at me. I shook my head. "Will you stop." I tapped her.
"Mom? Cousin Tammy? Are you guys ready?" I heard Briana's voice say from behind the curtain.
"Yes, baby. We're ready." I said.
"Well, what do you guys think?" She spun around, the dress was red, spaghetti strapped flowed perfectly down her slender frame. With a high split, not too high per my request.
Overall, My baby girl, isn't a baby anymore. She's a high school senior. Headed to prom in two months. The one thing that her and her sisters no good of a father got right was helping me make them. My biggest accomplishment.
"You look beautiful! It's a perfect fit." I felt my eyes watering. Tammy handed me the box of tissues from the table.
"Mom," Briana huffed, "You said you weren't gonna cry."
"I'm sorry, Sweetheart. I can't help it." I dabbed my eye.
"I think you are gonna win prom queen just by wearing that dress! You know girls are gonna be over the top but you'll turn heads just by keeping it simple!" Tammy said.
"Thanks cousin Tammy!" Her face lit up.
"Alright, hurry up and take it off. The longer you're in it, the more accident prone you'll become." I said.
Her and the tailor disappeared behind the curtain again. Me and Tammy had a little side conversation waiting for Briana.
"What's wrong with you? Im basically talking to myself." She caught on to my mood.
"Girl, I wish I could some up into words what's wrong with me." I sighed. "I've been out of the game way too long."
"You have?" She said sarcastically. "Oh Girl, I'm just playing. What's going on?"
"You know the guy I told you about right?"
"Yeah, the fine guy that asked you out?"
"Yes. Well... we've been talking on the phone a lot and I'm kinda interested in going on this date with him." I confessed.
As much as I want to be with Demarcus. The other part of me wants to live a little. I've been tied down for so long, I don't even know what dating feels like.
"Then go!" She said encouragingly.
"And what am I supposed to do about Demarcus?"
Tammy rolled her eyes. "Yes you have been out of the game too long." She repeated. "Don't tell him. See you went about this thing all wrong in the first place." She leaned in. "You got dickmatized early on and now you love the boy and feelings are involved and I know for sure Demarcus has been in love with you. I know it."
She's right. When me and Demarcus first started messing around. I thought it was just that. What I was going through, he helped me through it. Then it started actually turning into something and I couldn't stop it.
We cut our conversation short. As Briana walked towards us with her garment bag draped over her arm.
"Ma, can we go eat? I'm hungry." She asked,
"Yeah, Ma... can we? I'm hungry too." Tammy chimed in.
I laughed at them both. This'll be a good divergent for the day. So I won't have to think about this dilemma.
"Erica, you seem really stressed out about this issue." My therapist said to me.
Years ago if someone mentioned the word therapy to me. I would cringe and give them some stereotypical reason why I would never sit and talk to one. I probably need then more than anything. I decided to get one to help cope with this "after divorce" stage I'm in.
"I am. I've been able to figure out pretty much everything but now I'm stuck."
"What are you afraid of if you tell this young man you want to see other people?" She asked looking over the top of her glasses.
"I'm afraid of breaking his heart. Afraid of him hating me, never wanting to have anything to do with ever again. Which I don't want because I enjoy his company." I slid further into the couch.
Though Demarcus is all grit on the outside. On the inside he's very sensitive. He shows it from time to time. I don't want to be that person after we already established whatever we have going on.
"I see. You told me before that you love him... the question now is are you in love with him?" I felt her eyes stare into me. I felt like a spotlight was directly over me I started sweating a little.
"At first I thought I was. My head was all over the place then. What am I supposed to do?" I placed my hand on my forehead feeling a slight headache come on.
I can't just say "Hey I know, we've been dating for a while and shared our feelings but now I think we should be friends with benefits?" I am not that mean.
"I can't tell you what to do. I can advise you in the right direction at least." She smiled slightly. "But if this young man is as mature you said he is... then I believe you should tell him how you really feel. Before it gets any deeper."
"Hazel, it's already to the ocean floor. I don't think it get any deeper." I said.
At first I was weirded out by calling her by her first name but she made me feel so comfortable our first few sessions. It just stuck. I feel like she gets everything I'm saying like she's been in a situation or two. I don't feel crazy or like I'm the only one whose experienced it.
"If you say he's in love with you. Then I think he should be willing to hear you out." She shrugged her shoulders.
Lord give me strength I can only pray it'll be that easy.
My session ran over fifteen minutes. I didn't realize how much I needed to get off my chest. Felt good to just let it all out without someone thinking my problems are a joke.
I decided to get myself one or two drinks. The liquid courage I needed. Sitting there I thought of a million ways to word it. There was is no good way to put it no matter how hard I try. I just have to be a grown woman and not shy away from it.
Face the music as my father used to say.
I tried calling Demarcus but I got his voicemail. I left him a message.
"Hey you, I know you're busy and I know you will probably be tired when you get home. So get some rest. Tomorrow do you think you can come over? I need to talk to you."