Forgotten Conscience - Chapter 57: Chapter 57
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Faith's POV
What did I do?
I look up at her from my chair at the foot of her bed.
She looks so peaceful, she shouldn't. Not after what I did to her. I'm still not even sure HOW I did it. All I did was knee her in the stomach. Well that and hit her in the head a couple times. But even still, we're slayers, we're supposed to be able to take more than that. Maybe I just don't know my own strength since those vamps pumped me full of drugs. All I know for sure is that I feel like I nearly killed her. The way she doubled over in pain, the way she could barely breath and then she passed out.
I'm not sure why I went to her side when she passed out. It just... something inside me couldn't let her just lie there like that, I just couldn't. I was so relieved when her heart was still beating. She was barely breathing but thank god she was. She was just unconscious.
I put my head in my hands.
Why do I care so much? If this had been before my coma I would've just finished her off. But... but I saw her lying there and I wasn't angry with her, I... I felt sorry for her. I felt sorry for her, ME! I don't feel sorry for people. I leave them in my dust and forget about them. It's what I do, but I just couldn't... leave her there. Maybe it's because of how nice she was to me when I had no memory but I just couldn't do it.
So I checked her pulse, made sure she was still breathing and then I picked her up and brought her home. It felt horrible... knowing what I did to her. It felt even worse than how I felt when I killed that demon in the alley. Why do I feel so horrible? Is it just my conscience bothering me or, or is it something... more? She was so nice to me the whole time I had amnesia. Even after she found out I was trying to kill her she still tried to help her.
She even threw Red out of her... didn't I already have this argument with myself? I know I had it when I had no memory. And I think this one is going right where the last one did. I couldn't kill her, I couldn't leave her there because somewhere... deep down inside... I care for her. I'm... I'm not sure exactly how deep my feelings for her go, but I think...
I look up at her lying unconscious but alive on her bed.
I think I'd like to know how deep they go. That is, if she'd still be willing. After what I've done I'd understand if she never spoke to me ever again. I mean I shunned her, I told her I never want to see her again, I made out with her and then I nearly killed her. Maybe, maybe if I tell her what happened she... she might not hate me so much. Maybe if I tell her that when I saw her lying there, struggling to breathe, all that anger and hatred I had for her just... disappeared. Maybe if I tell her that, things might be okay between us one day.
I run my hands through my hair in frustration.
I hope I can make things right between us. God listen to me, I sound like a god damn patsy. I hope I can make things right between us? Screw that. If she forgives me, she forgives me. If she doesn't, she doesn't. I'll deal with it either way. It's not like I'm in love with her or anything. I just... think she's hot, it's not a crime. I'm not the kind of person who falls in love. I get hot for someone, I screw their brains out and I move on.
I watch her stir in her sleep and I only hope she's having a good dream.
This isn't about love, this is about sex.
She almost coughs up a lung and I rush to her side.
Oh god...
"Buffy? Buffy wake up. Buffy please wake up."
I lightly tap her on the cheek to try and get her to wake up. She stirs a bit and opens her eyes.
Thank god.
She looks up at me.
"Faith?"
What did I do?
I look up at her from my chair at the foot of her bed.
She looks so peaceful, she shouldn't. Not after what I did to her. I'm still not even sure HOW I did it. All I did was knee her in the stomach. Well that and hit her in the head a couple times. But even still, we're slayers, we're supposed to be able to take more than that. Maybe I just don't know my own strength since those vamps pumped me full of drugs. All I know for sure is that I feel like I nearly killed her. The way she doubled over in pain, the way she could barely breath and then she passed out.
I'm not sure why I went to her side when she passed out. It just... something inside me couldn't let her just lie there like that, I just couldn't. I was so relieved when her heart was still beating. She was barely breathing but thank god she was. She was just unconscious.
I put my head in my hands.
Why do I care so much? If this had been before my coma I would've just finished her off. But... but I saw her lying there and I wasn't angry with her, I... I felt sorry for her. I felt sorry for her, ME! I don't feel sorry for people. I leave them in my dust and forget about them. It's what I do, but I just couldn't... leave her there. Maybe it's because of how nice she was to me when I had no memory but I just couldn't do it.
So I checked her pulse, made sure she was still breathing and then I picked her up and brought her home. It felt horrible... knowing what I did to her. It felt even worse than how I felt when I killed that demon in the alley. Why do I feel so horrible? Is it just my conscience bothering me or, or is it something... more? She was so nice to me the whole time I had amnesia. Even after she found out I was trying to kill her she still tried to help her.
She even threw Red out of her... didn't I already have this argument with myself? I know I had it when I had no memory. And I think this one is going right where the last one did. I couldn't kill her, I couldn't leave her there because somewhere... deep down inside... I care for her. I'm... I'm not sure exactly how deep my feelings for her go, but I think...
I look up at her lying unconscious but alive on her bed.
I think I'd like to know how deep they go. That is, if she'd still be willing. After what I've done I'd understand if she never spoke to me ever again. I mean I shunned her, I told her I never want to see her again, I made out with her and then I nearly killed her. Maybe, maybe if I tell her what happened she... she might not hate me so much. Maybe if I tell her that when I saw her lying there, struggling to breathe, all that anger and hatred I had for her just... disappeared. Maybe if I tell her that, things might be okay between us one day.
I run my hands through my hair in frustration.
I hope I can make things right between us. God listen to me, I sound like a god damn patsy. I hope I can make things right between us? Screw that. If she forgives me, she forgives me. If she doesn't, she doesn't. I'll deal with it either way. It's not like I'm in love with her or anything. I just... think she's hot, it's not a crime. I'm not the kind of person who falls in love. I get hot for someone, I screw their brains out and I move on.
I watch her stir in her sleep and I only hope she's having a good dream.
This isn't about love, this is about sex.
She almost coughs up a lung and I rush to her side.
Oh god...
"Buffy? Buffy wake up. Buffy please wake up."
I lightly tap her on the cheek to try and get her to wake up. She stirs a bit and opens her eyes.
Thank god.
She looks up at me.
"Faith?"
End of Forgotten Conscience Chapter 57. Continue reading Chapter 58 or return to Forgotten Conscience book page.