Heart and Soul - Chapter 48: Chapter 48

Carter considered staying silent when he heard a knock on his door.
He waited too long to say something and whoever was on the other side knocked again, before the doorknob turned. Carter didn't know whose voice he expected to hear, but it certainly wasn't Tony's.
"Can I come in?"
He bit his lip, sitting up against the headboard of his bead.
"It's your house," he said, a little raucously. He couldn't be too sure his eyes weren't a little red either. Not from crying, but from holding in the tears. Most of it had welled painfully in his throat, but he could still feel some in his eyes, threatening to pour.
"Yours too," Tony said, as he came in.
Carter averted his gaze as his stepfather closed the door and walked toward him.
"Can I sit?"
Carter just nodded wordlessly, feeling his mattress dip slightly with the new weight by the foot of the bed.
"Just wanted to check if you're okay," Tony said.
Carter nodded again, feeling the lump in his throat swell, as though accusing him of being a liar.
"I though you might get hungry soon, so I saved you your dinner. It's in the fridge."
"Thanks," Carter said, finally meeting his eyes with a weak, clipped smile. He appreciated the gesture, despite everything. He doubted he'd take advantage of it though. His stomach was in knots. Eating was the last thing on his mind.
Tony sighed audibly. "You know your mom loves you, right?"
Carter bit his lip at his words. He knew that. But...
"Why did she leave?" He asked quietly.
"I think she wasn't expecting it... None of us were," Tony admitted.
Carter lowered his head to break the eye contact, drawing his knees up to his chest.
"But," Tony started slowly, "I also want to let you know that what you told us downstairs is not a bomb. We weren't expecting it, but it's not a bomb. It changes absolutely nothing in the way we see you." Carter lifted his head a little to see Tony's eyes had never left him. His stepfather smiled softly, as he added, "And I'm sure it changes absolutely nothing in the way your mother loves you and how proud she is of you."
Then, why didn't she stay? Why didn't she say something?
"She is proud of you, Carter," Tony asserted, as though he could read the questions flooding Carter's mind. "You have to know how much. You're the pride of her life. Anyone can tell."
"Am I?" Carter asked, shakily.
"Yes. Without a doubt," Tony answered, without missing a beat. He put one hand over Carter's sheets, leaning slightly toward him. "I know I'm not your dad, and maybe you don't really see our relationship as anything more than a complex landlord-slash-roommate situation, but I'm also proud of you."
For some reason, those words paired with the weight of those dark ebony-brown eyes on him made Carter shift a little, twiddling with his fingers over his knees. If Tony noticed, he didn't show it.
"It can't have been easy to go through the change you did," Tony continued softly. "I love my family to death, my children are my everything, but they are a lot. I know that, I live with them too. And the way you made an effort to fit in here and make this arrangement work speaks volumes of the love you have for your mother. And the person you are."
Unshed tears pressed against his windpipe and Carter felt an unauthorized warm tear roll down his cheek.
"I didn't expect her to act like nothing changed," he spoke through a strained throat, "but I at least expected her to say something. Anything."
Tony's eyebrows drew in. "I think she needed time to process," he said.
"Then why didn't she say that?" Carter asked, voice cracking. In spite of himself, his chest heaved with a sob.
Tony pursed his lips as Carter wiped at his wet cheeks, looking away.
"Ah, God," Tony said. "Is it okay if I... Can I hug you? I don't know how to deal with crying any other way."
Carter didn't move or met his gaze, but he felt Tony's weight shift on the mattress as he scooted closer. Tony's hand landed on his knee, then another on his shoulder, and before he could stop himself he realized he was leaning into his stepfather's touch.
Tony wrapped his arms around him and Carter buried his head in the crook of his shoulder, crying. Tony's hands rubbed soothing patterns between his shoulder plates and he laid a tentative hand on Tony's back, returning the grip.
He felt that lump on his throat subside, nothing to clog his airways once the tears were pouring. The tightness in his chest dulled a little too and, slowly, the uncontrollable sobs faded into regular breathing intervals.
He licked his lips, tasting the salt. "How did you take it?" He asked his stepfather. "With Jack?"
Tony pulled back a little to look him in the eye, keeping one hand on his shoulder.
"I never had a coming out moment with Jack," Tony said. "He always had a very good sense of who he was, so it never came as a surprise to him or to us. He was all Amee on that aspect."
Carter's attention spiked at the mention of Tony's late wife. The tension he usually felt at the thought of having a conversation about her with a Santoro, though, faded as soon as he saw Tony smile.
"She was always the sure one. Most of our kids get that from her," Tony told Carter. "I was a little more like you. Worse, actually. I was completely lost. Never started making anything of myself until I was well in my twenties."
"Really?"
It was hard to imagine Tony Santoro—chill, relaxed father of seven, family man and business owner—as a lost teenager with no idea what to make of his life. Tony was one of those people who just oozed confidence and an innate sense of self-awareness. The kind of person who knew who he was with a certainty that could not be fabricated.
"Oh, yeah." Tony laughed. "I was clueless until I met Amee. Sometimes that's all it takes, meeting the right person. Like your mom. She was my second beacon, after Amee passed."
Carter sniffed, wiping the dampness in his cheeks with the back of his hands. The tears had stopped coming now, so he let Tony's words resonate within his own reality. With all he knew now, Carter felt like he, too, had been clueless until Johnny.
He smiled a little. "For what it's worth, I don't see you just as a landlord-roommate-whatever."
Tony grinned. "I'm glad."
That elicited a small laugh from Carter. He sniffed again. He couldn't remember the last time he had cried like this. Or the last time he had cried at all.
There was a light knock on the door and they both turned to look at it.
"Yes?" Carter asked.
The door opened a little to reveal his mom standing on the other side. She took in the sight of her son and her husband sitting on the same bed, face to face. Carter was sure, this time, the redness in his face was evident.
"Can I have a word with Carter alone?" She asked.
Tony looked at Carter, who nodded slightly.
"I'll be downstairs if anyone needs me," his stepfather said, standing up.
Carter's mom took his place on the bed, while Tony shut the door behind him. Carter bit down on his lip, nervously.
"I owe you an apology, honey."
Carter lifted his head at that. He took in the concern and regret in her blue-gray eyes. Something inside him wavered, dangerously close to breaking.
"I shouldn't have blindsided you," he said. "I should probably have talked to you alone. I was planning to do that. But then they asked and I guess I thought maybe I could just get it done with telling everyone at once. Avoid having to tell people one by one, over and over. I shouldn't—"
"I'm you're mother, Carter," she said, laying a hand on his leg to interrupt him. "I should have dealt with that better. It's on me, not on you. I'm sorry."
"Does that mean you don't... hate me or something?" He murmured.
"Don't ever say something like that," his mom told him, putting a hand on his face to lift his head. The look in her eyes was serious. "I love you. So much, honey."
Carter let that sink in.
"I was shocked," his mom admitted. "Not because of what you told me, but because I had no idea. You used to tell me everything. I thought I knew everything about you. When you said that, I felt like it was something I should have known. And maybe I didn't, because I haven't been making much of an effort to talk to you lately."
Carter frowned at that. His mom smiled feebly.
"When it was just the two of us, I was always there because we had no one but each other," she said. "But I should have tried harder to be present after moving."
"It's okay," Carter assured her. "I know you have work. I know you're working hard to get that promotion."
"Not an excuse," she affirmed. "I haven't been around and that was wrong. I want you to be able to talk to me like you've always done. Is that okay?"
Carter smiled. "Yeah."
His mom returned the smile, rubbing his leg gently. "So... This boyfriend. Who is he?"
Carter bit back his smile. "It's Johnny."
She nodded. "I figured," she mused. "Does Coach Mason know?"
"He does."
"I see," Abby said, with a sigh. "Will I get to hear about him soon?"
Carter grinned. He couldn't believe the feeling in his chest. Like a weight unloaded. Mixed with something akin to longing. He hadn't realized how much he missed talking to his mom. Openly. Freely. Unashamedly.
"Whenever you want," he said.
"Good. For now, all I need to know is—does he treat you right?"
Carter laughed. "He's great, mom," he said. "He's so smart and really funny. I couldn't... I never realized how much I could like someone until I met him."
His own glee appeared to be reflected on his mother's expression. "Sounds like someone is finally having their first love," she said. "Enjoy it while it lasts."
Carter needed a moment to process that. First love. It didn't seem so far-fetched. Not at all, in fact. Trouble was he wanted it to last forever.
He sniffed, rubbing his eyes. "Do I look like a red panda?"
His mom laughed. Ever since a toddler, Carter looked like a panda after he cried. With red spots around his eyes and nose, instead of black.
"You look fine," she told him. "Wanna go wash your face?"
Carter nodded.
They left his room together and Abby continued on downstairs as he took a turn into the bathroom. Inside, Carter put his hands under the running water on the sink and leaned forward to splash his face. He rubbed his eyes, looking up to see his image on the mirror. The fluorescent light inside the bathroom highlighted the contrast of his natural skin tone and the redness around his eyes.
He did not look his best, but he felt lighter, for lack of a more original term.
As he walked down the stairs to the living room, he heard his step-siblings' voices fade out, as they cut off their conversation. Carter stopped at the bottom of the stairs, looking at them. Bella and Jack were sharing the armchair, with Bella practically on his lap. Mike, Frankie and Charlie sat on the couch, while Luca was on his knees, by the coffee table, setting up a game of Clue.
"First things first," Bella announced, breaking the silence. "Carter's on my team."
It was totally random and somehow it didn't feel unexpected in the slightest. Count on the Santoro to see a large, painfully obvious elephant hanging out in their living room, and completely fail to acknowledge it.
"This is Clue. There are no teams," Luca complained.
Bella shrugged. "There are now."
"Is this how it's going to be?" Jack asked incredulously, half his body trapped beneath Bella's on the armchair. "You'll keep ditching me for him?"
"Just on game nights. You suck," Bella answered.
"Fair enough," Jack sighed. "Hey, Frank, wanna team up?"
"Sure." Frankie grinned.
Uh. Maybe, the Santoros couldn't even see an elephant in the room to acknowledge.
"There are no teams in Clue," Luca exclaimed, as Jack picked Bella up, with the same ease one would have while lifting a pillow, to stand up.
"I got Charlie," Mike said, pushing the little one onto his lap, so Jack could sit between him and Frankie after he put Bella back down on the armchair.
"You guys are getting it all wrong," Luca complained from the carpet.
"You're free to play by yourself," Bella pointed out.
Luca scoffed. "There are no more teammates!"
Bella shot him a cynical smile. "Then, I guess it all played out perfectly. You're welcome." She turned to Carter. "You're not gonna sit?"
Carter bit back a smile, moving to sit on the bulky armrest at her side. From the floor, while he piled up different cards upside down, Luca mumbled something about no one knowing how the game was played.
Bella's elbow dug into Carter's thigh a little too harshly and he looked down at her.
"You okay?" She whispered.
Carter nodded. She gave him a single, wordless nod back. He tilted his head a little to the side.
"Did you know?"
Bella shot him a surprised look, shaking her head.
Carter bit his lip uncertainly, rubbing his hand down the length of his jeans. "Seth knew," he murmured.
Bella cocked her head curiously. "If Seth knows something that he doesn't think I need to know, then he doesn't tell me about it," she stated plainly.
Carter nodded. The truth was, ever since finding out about their relationship, Carter had felt a shift in the dynamics between Seth, Bella and him. In more than one way. He had wondered more than once how big of a shift it truly had been, and how it could potentially evolve over time. Somehow, though, Bella's statement went a great length to soothe his worries.
"No Monopoly?" Carter asked, louder this time.
"That's a sacred family tradition that can only be played when all the siblings are present," Frankie replied.
Jack laughed. "Clue is next up, I guess," he said. His dark eyes landed on Carter and there was something else shining through, behind the glimmer of light-hearted amusement. "By the way, man, what you did before—pretty balsy. I could never have done that."
Carter's lips parted without any properly formed words of response yet. "Thanks," he ended up saying, after a couple of seconds.
"You totally should, though," Luca mused aloud, looking at Jack. "You kind of deprived your family of a the big emotional coming out moment."
Jack grabbed a pillow from the couch and threw it at his brother's face with deathly precision. "It's not supposed to be about the family, squirt."
Carter laughed along with the rest of the room, while their playing cards were handed out.
He had never played Clue, but Bella looked like she knew what she was doing. She seemed to be a pro at games involving boards and cards, so this one should be right up her alley. Plus, this one was about murders. That matched her character even more, in Carter's head.
Tony came into the room with Carter's mom behind him, little after the game began.
"That was Richie on the phone, just now," he announced to the room. "He won't be coming home next weekend after all. He'll come in for spring break instead."
"Richie is going to spend his senior year spring break in the glades with his family?" Luca asked, in disbelief.
Bella and Frankie exchanged knowing looks across the board. They both snorted, declaring in unison, "He's broke."
"Wait." Carter frowned. "The whole cabin in the wetlands thing is an actual Santoro tradition?"
"Yup," Bella popped the 'p'. "No way you'll ever find a Santoro, in Miami, during Spring Break."
"Because slough and alligators trump drunk college kids?" Carter asked, skeptically.
Jack laughed. "Any time. I'm a college student and I can't do Spring Break because of the trauma I've endured in this city growing up."
Carter looked at his mom. "And we're going too?"
She nodded.
"Great."
"You know... Sometimes, when Richie and Kevin are both home, the Masons come with us," Bella mused.
"Wait, you're dating Johnny?" Luca blurted. His face broke out with a beaming grin at Carter's slow nod. "Fucking knew it! Actually, I didn't, but I totally should've."
"There's a lot of stuff you should know but don't, little dude," Bella commented dryly. "And that's a two-dollar debt to the Swear Jar already."
"Already taking note," Frankie announced taking the folded napkin from dinner out of his pocket.
"We could see if the Masons are available on Spring Break," Tony offered.
Carter's mom gave him a raised-eyebrow look at that. "We'll see."
All is well, when it ends well. Except it isn't all well yet, and it hasn't ended just yet ;)
But we're getting close!