HEARTBEAT | VKOOK - Chapter 22: Chapter 22

This was so wrong.
So, so wrong of him to think of. So wrong of him to feel.
Yet he couldn't help it. He couldn't help the wandering thoughts of his mind. The thoughts, regarding the man who was his boss, and a friend. Kim Taehyung. Who couldn't seem to leave his mind in peace, with all those absurd thoughts swimming in his ocean of a mind. And Jeongguk found himself drowning in his own very thoughts, as every attempt of reaching up to the surface seemed futile, with no possible end. Only causing him to drown deeper and deeper until he couldn't breathe.
All he could ever think of, was the way Taehyung stared at him, the way they danced to the beat of the music. His deep voice, dark obsidian eyes, that allured Jeongguk to sink into the darkness, with an undying crave to know of him on a deeper level. His eyes, seemingly imprinted in his mind permanently.
He couldn't help but think, how it'd feel like to have his fingertips tracing his skin, to have his plush lips planting chaste kisses onto his ivory skin. And that thought alone was enough to cause Jeongguk to turn a bright shade of red, along with his heart— that was vigorously beating against his chest.
All due to the man, who left him breathless by the mere presence of him.
And Jeongguk wondered, why was it so hard to get Taehyung out of his mind? Jeongguk attempted so hard to distract himself from the obscure thoughts of his boss. Although it worked at the day as he could simply distract himself by the household chores, it didn't seem to be the same at night.
Because, once he tucked himself under the warm blankets, ready to doze off into a peaceful slumber, Kim Taehyung was back again, occupying his mind entirely. At this point, he couldn't seem to control his repulsive thoughts. As the peircing eyes of Kim Taehyung flashed in his mind, each time he attempted to close his eyes— an image burning within his memories.
And now, Jeongguk was frustrated. So awfully frustrated that his cheeks turned a bright shade of red, the tip of his ears, painted in the same shade, and heart vigorously pounding in his chest. Yet again, Kim Taehyung occupied his dreams. His dreams, that were awfully disgusting and wrong of him to even think of.
Kim Taehyung was his friend.
He couldn't possibly think of his friend in the other way. Of course, when Taehyung, himself, didn't feel the same for him. Although his heart ached at the thought of him not reciprocating his feelings, he couldn't seem to control his dreams. Dreams that had Taehyung in every one of them.
However, they weren't all the same. As in one, he found himself and Taehyung in a room, talking about something he vaguely remembered. In others, he found himself and Taehyung in a garden, or somewhere together, alone. And in a few others, he dreamt of himself, and Kim Taehyung making out in a dimly lit room.
So, so wrong of him to think of.
His mind then replayed the one sentence Taehyung had said to him back at the masquerade, "We're just friends." And now, he felt awfully guilty of what he was doing. How he thought and felt for the older male, even while knowing that he could never possibly return his feelings.
Jeongguk then closed his eyes shut, just as he came all over his hand. Toes curling up and back arching, as he let out a muffled moan into the pillow. All due to the absurd thoughts lingering in his mind. Directed to the man who effortlessly snuck into his thoughts, and dreams. Yet, named their weird boss and assistant relationship, to be friendship.
But Jeongguk certainly didn't think of him as a mere friend. Although he attempted to deny his feelings for the male, he was certain that there was more to it than friendship. At least for him. Of course, as a friend wouldn't obviously dream of the nastiest things with their friend. Just a simple dream left him breathless, a trembling mess, right after he came.
Soft pants left his slightly agape lips as he shifted his glossy orbs towards the window across him. The slightly open curtains displaying a view of the dark blue sky, that was slowly shifting colours as the minutes passed by. Jeongguk stared at the window blankly, his breathing now turning steady as he glanced out the window with half lidded eyes.
He wondered what Taehyung's reaction would be, if he ever came to know of his feelings for the older. Feelings that he knew were terribly wrong, yet he couldn't seem to control them, as they followed their own accord. Taehyung would surely be disappointed, or perhaps, disgusted. And maybe, just maybe, he'd end up losing his friendship too.
Of course. For Taehyung was stuck in the past, unable to move on. Drowning in the love of his past lover. Taehyung was blindly in love with someone who doesn't exist.
Wouldn't his wife be disappointed of him? Wouldn't she wish for him to move on and live a better life? Perhaps, forget her and make the best of his life as long as he lives, instead of dedicating it to the only person who doesn't exist anymore. He could've been happier that way, if he accepted someone to help him up, help him move on from his past, that solely held him back.
And Jeongguk wished to be that someone. Although deep down, he knew it wouldn't ever be him.
Kim Taehyung was stubborn. He certainly wouldn't choose it the other way. But of course, unless he fell in love again.
And Jeongguk wished for him to fall in love with the right one. Someone who'd care for him and help him heal from the wounds of his past. And accept him just the way he was.
Although a part of him wished for himself to be that someone who Taehyung would fall in love with. But of course, why'd he fall in love with him? He was just a mere boy, attempting to heal from his past, and living on hopes of a better life. Moreover, he wasn't perfect like the Kim Taehyung. Scratch that— Kim Taehyung was the epitome of perfection.
The absolute definition of perfection. Of how a man truly ought to be. He was strong, handsome, posh and elegant, and everything Jeongguk strived to be. He was a dream. A dream Jeongguk wanted to make his own. Yet, he knew he'd never be like him, or anywhere near his ideal choices.
Kim Taehyung deserved someone who was equally perfect as him.
A soft exhale left his thin chapped lips, pursing them afterwards as he gazed longingly at the now slightly blue sky. A clear indication that the sun was slowly peeking up. Jeongguk then shifted his onyx eyes to the clock sitting over his night stand, that read 4:15am.
It was another night. Another night Jeongguk couldn't sleep even if he's tried so much to do so. All due to the man that never seemed to leave his mind. Kim Taehyung, who never failed to surprise him with his charming looks, and deep words. The man, whom he'd never be able to confess his feelings to.
And Jeongguk felt crazy. Crazy as to why he was losing his mind over a man who never seemed to think of him the same. Obviously, he never thought of him. Not like Jeongguk, of course. As Jeongguk thought of him every single second of the day. For he was the first thing Jeongguk could think of when he awakes and the last thing on his mind when he falls asleep. Someone who chased him even in his dreams.
Jeongguk felt crazy. All due to a man who was never meant to be for him.
"It's been long, isn't it?"
An awfully familiar voice that belonged to a man he knew dripped into his ear canals, amidst all other noises around him. The voice seemingly directed to him, as though wanting to grasp his attention that was fixated on the window. Which they clearly did.
As upon hearing that awfully familiar voice, Taehyung then whipped his head back, tearing his gaze from the window, and laying his eyes on the slightly shorter figure standing across him— lips curved upwards into a sly smirk.
Racking his eyes over the male's figure for a brief moment, he then glanced at his expensive Rolex watch wrapped securely around his wrist, before flickering his delinquent eyes to the older male. "Indeed. Where have you been?"
Taehyung watched as the male took a seat in front of him, placing his elbows on the wooden mahogany table and briefly glancing at the window that Taehyung had previously gazed at for the past thirty minutes or so. He then turned to him, scowling in utter exasperation, "As I told you before, sneaking out a fucking file under Chanbin's nose isn't an easy task. You better pay me back, fucker."
This had Taehyung scoffing slightly in faux amusement as he glanced at the window next to him, watching the droplets of rain trickle down the window, slightly blurred by the fog that appeared on it.
Taehyung had obviously guessed his reason for being late, although he despised it when people left him waiting for them. Since Taehyung hated wasting time. But as he knew of the reason, he allowed it to slide, as it wasn't the issue he wanted to think of at the moment. As his mind was clearly occupied with something more important than anything.
Yoongi then heaved a deep sigh, glancing out the window next to him, "Took me a month to get it done."
He then turned to the younger male after a brief moment of silence. "Look, before we get to the real thing, must you know I'm an officer, the chief of the department, that is. And as an officer, I deserve to know of the reason of your sudden change of mind." His sharp catastrophic orbs were now fixated on him, seemingly grim as ever. "And since I'm trusting you with this, tell me why, you want to know of the case all of a sudden. That is even, four years later of that incident."
Taehyung stared at the male for a brief moment, as though contemplating his thoughts. And he began regretting not knowing of it before. Not being there in the court sessions. Not being there for his wife, when she needed him the most. But at this very moment, he couldn't allow his guilt to trap his mind. As now, he wanted to focus on the present. The present being his encounter with the renowned officer of South Korea that is.
"There's something. ." Taehyung then began, pausing for a bit as he collected his thoughts, "Few weeks ago, probably a month, I reckon. I couldn't sleep, so I was. . going through her diary, in the memory of her." He paused, licking his chapped lips. "Where she mostly wrote of her thoughts and feelings. It was at the very last page, that I didn't notice before. She stopped writing a few months before her accident. I don't know why. But there's something she wrote, that's been on my mind ever since."
A small frown then embedded on the officer's face, brows drawing together in utter bewilderment as he attempted to register what the male had stated. The said officer, who was known to be Min Yoongi, then stared at the younger for a brief moment. Attempting to figure out whether or not he was bluffing about the whole situation. As it wasn't something to be bluffing about, especially not when there's an accident revolving around it. An accident that took a life, that is.
"What is it?"
A sigh then emerged from Taehyung's lips as he then tore his gaze away from the older male, now looking down at his lap. Or perhaps, at a certain book that was placed on his lap, that he'd brought to prove his words to the older male. His slender fingers wrapped securely around it's spinal column.
He then opened the book, flipping directly to the last page where there was the last entry of his wife. Although he had no idea why his wife had suddenly stopped writing months before her accident. He knew for a fact that the last entry could be some sort of a clue for him to know what exactly had occurred to her when he was gone.
Taehyung then placed the book on the table and glided it over to the older male, who stared at him for a split second before glancing at the book, now pulling it closer to him. His eyes then darted to the page, trailing down the words scribbled on it in a beautiful cursive writing. It wasn't a letter or a note— no. Perhaps, it was her thoughts regarding something that had been bothering her. Something she couldn't seem to say to anyone.
April, 2013 (Life & Death)
Death is a wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all.
Yet sometimes, death is for to save your loved one. From a danger that's unknown, unnoticed and inevitable. I'm uncertain of the consequences of my very consequences. Or what will happen in the near future. I'm confused, stressed and worn out. All due to the untold truth bottled up in my heart, that I so badly want to say to someone, or anyone who could hear me out  and save my family. My family. . that I dearly love. My son, who's only a month old baby.
Certainly I love him more than anything in this world. He's a diamond, my precious little angel. That I'll forever cherish till the day I die. My boy, you live in my heart. Although I don't know if you'll get to hear of me again.
I love you, my little angel. My precious diamond. And to save you, I could do anything. To save you, I may die too. But death is worth it if it is because you. And my darling Kim Taehyung who has no idea of anything. Who is still a baby even while being twenty-two already. I don't know if he'll ever find this, but if he does, I want him to know that I'll love him too, till the day I die.
And I wish for him to be happy and safe as long as he lives.
"I believe she wrote this two months before her accident." Yoongi muttered, eyes trailing down the words over and over again, as though attempting to figure out what was it that made her so stressed and exhausted. That made her talk about death. As though she knew death was awaiting her. "Seems like she was depressed about something for two months or so, am I right?"
"I guess." It came out as a mere whisper, almost inaudible for Yoongi to catch on what he had mumbled. If it weren't for him actually paying attention to the younger, who seemed gloomy as ever as he stared out of the window.
As though reminiscing the memories of his past lover, and feeling guilty for being away when she needed him the most. The guilt, eating him alive, burning his soul as he thought back to the past. Wondered if he could possibly rewind the time and to back to the past to fix things again.
It was impossible. As the present was his reality. The bitter reality of her not being with him, not being able to live in the moments of happiness. The present of being him alone, deprived of love or any sort of emotion. Perhaps, he could never get over her.
Or maybe, fate had something in store for him. He just didn't know.
"Well, that doesn't justify why you'd need the file of her case. As it seems like she was clearly upset with something. Apparently, you guys had an arguement. But that isn't related to the actual case."
"I believe I'd been away for a business trip two months before the incident. The only time we had actually disagreed on something was the day she got into an accident. And I think you know it too, Officer Min." Taehyung stated, eyes boring into Min Yoongi's own catastrophic orbs.
This had Yoongi nodding in agreement as he glanced down at the book for a brief moment, "Well, then I believe it's clearly an accident. There's nothing deeper into this case. I don't know why you're willing to take the risk of digging into something that isn't worth it. I thought you hated wasting your time?"
A scoff of disbelief evoked from his manly lips as he rolled his eyes, before fixating his gaze on the older, now dead serious about the matter that didn't seem of much importance to the older. "Of course, there is a lot we don't know of. Maybe I'm overthinking, or maybe I'm not. But I believe this case hadn't been investigated properly. And there's more to it than that."
"And what makes you say that, Taehyung? It's true that you had an arguement with her on the day of her accident. And she was drunk, driving aimlessly over the speed limit. It's clearly an accident. I don't see a reason to dig into this case all over again. It isn't worth it."
Taehyung then exhaled deeply, lips twitching slightly as he glanced at the window for a brief second, before turning to the older. "You don't see it, but I do, hyung. Of course, you know half of the story, but do you know what exactly we were arguing about?"
This had the older releasing a sigh of annoyance, the exasperation clearly evident on his face. As he seemed clearly uninterested in the case unlike Taehyung who seemed dead serious. Min Yoongi thought it just wasn't worth it to go for, rather time consuming. As he didn't see a reason why they'd be digging up an old case all over again due to a mere suspicion.
Rolling his eyes, Yoongi then took a sip of the coffee he had ordered not too long ago, whilst gesturing for the younger to continue with a bob of his head.
"Its because she was trying to stop me from leaving for another business trip, saying that things would go wrong if I did. I-I could've listened to her but. . . my father was forcing me to leave. Hence why, we got into a disagreement which. . ended up in an accident."
"Oh? And didn't you ask her the very reason of why she thought so?" Yoongi queried, now looking up at the younger who seemed awfully serious about the matter.
"Of course. And it sounds ridiculous itself as she said, something would happen to me if I left, she was terrified and. . . she didn't exactly want to tell me why." Taehyung paused, taking a deep breath, "I. . . I don't know, hyung. I guess I'm overthinking."
"Well, I guess that's normal, she was simply worried, I guess? She might've been overthinking, and got frustrated over you. That's ridiculous but anyway, that doesn't justify why you're thinking of this as more than just an accident."
This had Taehyung sighing, now glancing out of the window with his lips pursed in sheer exasperation. A part of him was already done with the conversation as he could clearly see how uninterested Yoongi seemed about this. Yet, another part of him wanted to go for it, as his inner guts screamed at him that it was worth it. At this point, he thought if he could do this alone, without the help of his friends, as they were clearly uninterested in digging up an old case that had been closed years ago.
And Taehyung regretted knowing of the letter now. After years of her death. If only he had known of the little note she had left for him, he wouldn't be at this very point of life. Heck, if only he had stated back instead of following his father like fool, maybe he could've heard her out and helped her.
All he felt at the very moment was sheer guilt and remorse of his past actions. And he made sure to never repeat them again. He made sure to be better than his past self— that was truly and utterly an idiotic side of him. Incredibly stupid of him.
After a moment of utter silence with Yoongi sipping on his coffee and scrutinizing Taehyung with an amused look, Taehyung then turned to the older male, all composed and determined of doing whatever he wanted without backing out. "There's always a way for everything, Officer Min. You're free to leave if you're not willing to be a part of this."
"I don't see where this conversation is going at this point." Yoongi simply delivered him a shrug, sipping on his coffee whilst allowing his eyes to trail over the words engraved on the page of the book Taehyung had previously given him to see. Perhaps, as a proof of his arguement that clearly holds no importance to the older.
"Listen, this isn't going to work. You're just going to end up with nothing. So why even try, mate?" Yoongi's voice softened as he watched the younger frown, practically glaring out the window. Although he may not show it, he was secretly attemtping to understand the younger, to know of his very reason on why this case suddenly peaked his interest and seemed worth it to him.
So much that he was determined to know what exactly had occurred and the very reason of what actually made his wife believe in what his father was never a part of.
"Listen, if you don't want to do this, you don't need to. But I'm doing it. And I'm not here to waste my time on begging you to help me if you're clearly unfazed of the circumstances! I can do it on my own, without your fucking help!" Taehyung spat out, ready to leave the premise of the cafè they had agreed to meet at. But before he could even arise from his seat, Yoongi had stopped him abruptly.
"Hey, hey, wait. . I'm sorry. Don't get all worked up over this. I'm with you, as your friend and as an officer. Although I don't know where this is going. What's the catch?"
Taehyung paused for a moment, scrunitizing the older with keen eyes, as to whether he was bluffing to make him feel better or if he was actually being serious. Well, turns out it's the latter as Yoongi seemed dead serious when he looked at him straight in the eye, for the confirmation that he was indeed, serious.
"The catch is that, she was hiding something from me. Something that was killing her internally, that she couldn't seem to say anyone, and I want to know what that is." Taehyung spoke, moving his eyes towards the older male and meeting his sharp gaze. He then jutted his chin toward him, "The file, hyung."
Yoongi then paused for a moment, allowing the information to sink into his mind as he thought of a possible outcome, before glancing down at the book. A sigh then evoked from his lips, licking them afterwards as he pulled out a thick file and placed it over the table, gliding it over to the younger— who was quick to grab it.
"Well, before you open it, I hope you're aware that this case has been closed four years ago. And now that I'm secretly delivering files to you, that's even risking my life in fear of being suspected, I trust you to keep this safe and think of your actions before making a move, Kim Taehyung."
"Don't you fret. You could always count on me." His then twitched upwards into a sly smirk, delinquent eyes locking with Min Yoongi's own catastrophic orbs for a brief moment before looking down at the file in front of him.
"I'll let you know that I want to be a part of this too. I'm here for you. And I'll do most of it, so you leave it on me." Interlacing his own fingers over the table, Yoongi's eyes then softened as he watched the younger flip through the pages of the file, paying his utmost attention on the details.
"Well then, we have an accord." Taehyung paused for a moment, looking up at the older male and meeting his own eyes. "And this stays between the two of us. Until I figure out the whole thing, that is."
"You don't need to worry about that." A slight scoff followed right after his statement, a smirk of his own spreading on his lips as his eyes found Taehyung's own delinquent sharp orbs.