HEARTBEAT | VKOOK - Chapter 28: Chapter 28

There were times when Jeongguk was happy, when he had everything he could ever ask for. There were times in his childhood that weren't so bad. When he was in the company of a certain someone, who was too, a child like him, or perhaps, slightly older than him, but around his age. They made memories that Jeongguk wished to never forget, for he cherished them even now, after all those years.
That certain someone, being a slightly tall boy, with a pleasant smile always present onto his rosy lips, his fringes slightly parted onto his forehead like always— Jeongguk could surprisingly recall every detail of him as a child. Who kept him company and make him forget about his broken family for even a moment. As every moment spent with him, felt like the epitome of ecstasy, at least to the five year old Jeongguk, it did.
Seojun. A cute tall boy with lovely brown eyes, and lips always curved in a sweet smile— someone he'd stumbled upon one day during recess. Who eventually became his best friend. Or perhaps someone, he began catching feelings for as a child.
Feelings he could never decipher, as a child. But the only the thing he knew, was that he felt happy, with every moment they met, every time they played around in his garden. The two would simply lie down on the cold grass, staring up at the gorgeous sky- and Jeongguk would always find himself secretly admiring the other with butterflies in his stomach.
Those feelings, that perhaps faded away with the years. After the male had left the city with his family, to reside somewhere better, far away from him. Although it hurt, Jeongguk got accustomed to the fact that he was never coming back, after years of futilely hoping for it. Of course, why would he come back, when he had left him without a proper goodbye?
Maybe Jeongguk had never meant anything to him on the first place, other than just a mere friend.
His present felt somewhat similar. Those moments with his best friend, the feelings he once harboured for him (that he was almost certain had faded away), now sprouting in his heart yet again, discombobulating him. However, this time, for someone entirely different.
Or maybe it was something more.
Kim Taehyung, who brought back the memories of the past he'd once shared with Seojun, his beloved friend. Taehyung, whose sharp stygian orbs set a flame in his once numb self, added emotions he couldn't decipher, and somewhat brought a sort of joy in his plain life. From the moment he'd laid his eyes on him. The serenity lingering around him, being a drug that he craved for so long, pulling him in like a magnet, utterly irresistible.
Taehyung, whom he began knowing to be a quite delightful yet mysterious man, who fancied to keep his secrets to himself, to appear almost closed off and cold on the outside, absolutely unreadable to anyone who saw him for the first time. Maybe, that explains why people feared him, due to his cold exterior and how serious he got in terms of work, bringing one to the conclusion not to mess with this guy.
But there was someone behind that mask, someone entirely different, in a positive way of course. The better version of himself, that he chose to reveal only to the people who felt right to him. And perhaps, Jeongguk was one of them.
This had a fond smile appearing on his lips as he found himself gazing at the said man, admiring his flawless features, all whilst thinking of him, pondering over the questions in his mind and attempting to search for the answers on his own. Jeongguk being up so early wasn't unusual, as someone who was always up before dawn, perhaps out of habit, as he couldn't seemed to go back to sleep either due to the thoughts clouding his mind.
But now, waking next to the man who's been on his mind, and dreams for who knows how long, Jeongguk was captivated by something more enthralling than anything. For he'd never get tired of admiring the handsome yet oblivious older at the moment of dawn, not a blink of sleep evident in his eyes. His scintillating doe orbs, that were glistening with sheer amusement and fascination for the older.
And a part of him wished for it to remain the same, every single day. When he'd awake next to the man of his dreams, who was oblivious to it all, in a deep slumber with his arm wrapped around him in a rather protective manner. Which he found to be rather endearing, although it puzzled him how the older simply tensed up whenever he'd attempt to pry his arms off him, as though reluctant to let go of him.
And somehow, Jeongguk didn't want to leave his embrace either. As he found it comforting to simply lay beside the older and watch him sleep, although it might sound weird, he seems better when he isn't attempting to mask his emotions. But of course, he had his reasons for that.
What's troubling him?
Jeongguk wondered, as he stared at the older's angelic face, how calm he seemed to be, sleeping peacefully next to him. Truthfully, he never thought someone so loving could be so complicated, beyond his imagination.
Taehyung then shifted in his sleep slightly, stirring awake. Jeongguk snapped out of his trance, doe eyes dilating as they met the other's squinted gaze. The older squinted his eyes slightly, looking into the younger's eyes with a perplexed expression, before turning to glance at the clock on the nightstand. "Why're you up at this hour, gguk?"
Jeongguk then bit down onto his bottom lip, dropping his gaze for a moment. "Couldn't sleep,"
The ravenette watched as the older lazily blinked at him for a moment, before closing his eyes, the frown still evident on his face. He then retrieved his hands off of the younger, now lying on his back and stretching his arms. "You've been watching me for a long time." He uttered slowly in his deep morning voice, sending shivers down Jeongguk's spine.
This had caught him off guard as his widened eyes met the older's perplexed gaze, a confounded look crafting on his face. "H-How did you know?"
"Well, I just guessed." Taehyung muttered, a lopsided grin etching onto his lips as he then turned to face the younger, now watching the male intently with keen eyes, the sly smirk still present on his lips. He then knitted his brows slightly, "Why?"
A wave of embarrassment washed over Jeongguk, a pale pink blooming across the apple of his cheeks, who then averted his gaze, lips twitching slightly, "Nothing, I was just. . wondering."
"What is it, Jeongguk?" The older queried softly, watching the younger with a fond look that made him flustered, mind turning blank as he tore his gaze away. "What's bothering you, gguk?"
"Nothing, really." He breathed, his bottom lip catching between his teeth for a moment as he avoided the older's eyes, "I was just wondering. . Why you're so complicated."
This had captured the other's interest, the once sleepy demeanour now dissipating, as he looked the younger in the eye with sheer interest, lips curling into a sly smirk. "So what have you figured out so far?"
Silence hung in the emptiness for a while, Jeongguk simply staring at the older with lips slightly agape, at a loss of words. He then reluctantly averted his eyes to anything that could capture his attention instead of the male, who scrunitized him with his dark hooded eyes, as though he could read him like a book. So damn obvious.
"Well, I haven't but. . at least I'm trying,"
The older male merely stared at him, a fond look evident in his eyes, as the smirk simply grew onto his lips, as though not believing his words. Yet even so, he let it slide, snickering softly to himself as he then propped up on his elbow, hand supporting his head, eyes remaining solely affixed on the younger, "I'd say the same for you, Jeongguk."
"What don't you understand?" He queried after a moment, watching how the younger's shoulders dropped, an upset look appearing on his face as he contemplated his thoughts, "Everything. I-I don't get why you act the way you do, how you could be so. . ." He trailed off, attempting to find the right words.
"Loving and caring at one moment and then so damn heartless and cocky the next." Jeongguk reluctantly met the other's eyes, watching how the older averted his gaze down to the sheets, shoulders tensing as his lips twitched slightly, "Why?" He breathed out, voice soft as a feather, "Why are you like that?"
"I have my reasons, gguk." Taehyung attempted to avoid the other's gaze, a monotone look crafting on his face as he then lied on his back, eyes flickering to the ceiling. "I can't always act how you want me to be."
"How do I know?" Jeongguk queried, now scooting closer to the older and staring into his eyes, "How do you know what?" The younger male simply tilted his head slightly, lifting his shoulder slightly, "How do I know when you're being real and when you're not?"
There's a moment of silence lingering between them as Taehyung contemplated his thoughts, lips pursing as he dropped his gaze, "I'm showing you right now." Their eyes met and Jeongguk could see the storm of emotions in his coal black orbs, "The one you see at work, and in front of my friends and family, that isn't me. That's not who I am in reality."
"Why?" Jeongguk's eyes softened as he scrunitized the older's face, wanting to figure him out, "Why do you need to pretend in front of the people you're with?"
"They have gotten used to the lies I tell them," A bitter smile crept up to his lips, avoiding the younger's gaze, "They're blinded by lies, and it's my own fault. I found solace in hiding myself away." He took his bottom lip between his teeth subconsciously, biting hard and almost drawing out blood, but he was too lost to care.
"But why your friends?" Jeongguk muttered, eyebrows furrowed in concentration as his fingers traced patterns on the older's chest, "You've been with them for years, why do need to hide from them?"
Jeongguk frowned when he was met with silence, causing him to flicker his eyes up to the older, who remained in a trance. And Jeongguk was left contemplating whether he asked the wrong question, something he wasn't supposed to know of.
But his train of thoughts were interrupted when the older spoke again, "Not everyone is supposed to know everything." Taehyung mumbled, almost incoherently as he collected his thoughts, fingers playing with the younger's jet black hair, "Even if they are my friends, they're not meant to know everything. And I wouldn't be accepted as I am now."
"They love me now, for who I pretend to be, they've been used to what I've shown them for so long, they wouldn't be able to accept the change."
Jeongguk released a deep breath, spacing out as he allowed his hand to rest on the older's chest subconsciously. He was almost at the verge of falling asleep again, due to the way Taehyung's fingers carded through his hair, oh-so gently that had his eyes drooping with sleep, "What's holding you back?" He whispered, more like to himself as a thoughtful silence settled in the atmosphere.
But Taehyung didn't fail to notice it, glancing away as sadness swimmed in his eyes. His lips pursed in a scowl, a glint of fury flashing in his eyes as his jaw tensed. Jeongguk could feel the older tense up, the soft movements of his fingers over his head ceasing. He titled his head backwards to glance at the older, a frown painting his features.
Jeongguk hadn't paid attention to what Taehyung had muttered under his breath, which had his frown deepening, "What?"
"Control," Taehyung breathed, lips twitching and brows furrowed as he focused on his thoughts, "I've lost control of my life, Jeongguk."
"Control?"
Taehyung exhaled deeply, head bobbing up and down as a nod, "I don't have a control over my life, I'm trapped in my father's clutches like a puppet, vulnerable and useless."
Jeongguk's eyes softened at that, the sleep that once clouded his vision fade away as all his attention was now on the older, "Why'd he hold you back from being yourself?"
A chuckle escaped the older's lips as he averted his gaze, "Everything goes in his way, Jeongguk. There's nothing that isn't under his control, you won't understand."
"Then make me," Jeongguk met his eyes, the desperation and curiosity sparkling within his onyx eyes, "Make me understand why you're hiding yourself away, what makes you fear confronting your friends with your true identity."
He tore his gaze away from the younger, a distraught look painting his features, "I can't make you understand, Jeongguk." A pause followed, Jeongguk scrutinizing his face, "He controls my life, he's in charge of everything I do, every interaction I have people."
"I'm in his watch all day, guarded by his men who follow me around and monitor my actions, and report to my father whenever I do something against his words. Basically, I'm just trapped in his hold, and he's the one who decides for me."
"Why?"
He shook his head slightly,"I don't know. It's always been this way. I'm caught up in his expectations, and he wants me do as he wills." A scoff left his lips as his eyes flashed with hurt, and Jeongguk felt guilty for bringing this up.
"I'm forced to forget my dreams and walk in his steps like a blind follower of his. I never wanted to be the heir of his company to begin with, yet I was forced to take his position, to hold up the name and reputation of our pathetic family." He spoke venomously, tone laced with hatred, and his eyes gave it away. And Jeongguk began understanding why Taehyung despised his family and preferred to never interact with them.
And whenever he did, he was like a walking bomb, ready to explode at any moment at anyone who dared to mess with him or ruin his day even more. The reason why most kept their distance from him after every interaction with his father.
"You've known a lot more than you should, more than anyone else ever has, and I don't even know where this is gonna take us now," A pause, seconds beat by in a tense silence, Taehyung shifting his gaze towards the younger, "But you need to stay away."
The aforementioned male simply returned his gaze with a look of disbelief, a tense silence lingering in the air, "Y-You can't say that. You can't expect me to stay away after dragging me into your fucking mess, Taehyung."
"It's my fault for dragging you in this mess, I know." Slight creases formed between his eyebrows, "If only I had an option, I wouldn't have dragged you into my mess. You wouldn't have known anything. It could've been better, sadly." Taehyung averted his gaze, eyes blank, devoid of any sort of emotion. "Its better to stay away, for both of us."
Jeongguk then shifted in his place, sitting up on the bed, facing the other with a grim expression crafted on his face. Taehyung soon mirroring his actions and sitting up as well, glancing up at the younger. A moment of silence fell in between them, the younger simply analysing the older's features with a soft look in his eyes, "You can't tell me that now."
The brunette's face contorted to a quizzical look at that, "What are you saying, Jeongguk?"
"I'm not holding back, I can't push you away or keep my distance from you even while knowing everything." A heavy sigh left his lips as he gazed at the older with a worrisome look, "I want to help you."
"You can't." He breathed, holding the other's gaze for a moment, before looking away, a blank look etching on his face. The brief silence was then broken by his deep voice, muttering, "You don't know what it's like, Jeongguk. Don't act like you understand it all, even when you don't. For you don't know what it's like to be in my place."
A crestfallen look painted the younger's face at the other's words, that stabbed his heart like a knife. And Taehyung felt a strong wave of guilt washing over him as he regretted his words, concern filling his gaze that darted to Jeongguk.
"You're right, I don't know what it's like to be in your place." Jeongguk dropped his gaze to the sheets in front of him, a painful smile forming at his lips. "I don't know what it's like to be you, of course. But I do know what it's like to be deprived of love, to feel hopeless and trapped. Trust me, I do."
A string of curses ran through the older's mind as guilt seeped into his heart when he took in the other's gloomy look, "I'm sorry."
A bitter smile twitched at his lips, "Its not the same for everyone. Maybe I don't know what you've gone through, but I've felt the same emotions as you did, even though our circumstances were different."
"I know." Taehyung breathed, looking away. Silence lingers between the two of them, Taehyung gnawing at his bottom lip as he contemplated his thoughts, stealing a glance from Jeongguk, who blankly stared at the wall. Taehyung parted his lips, hesitating for a moment, "What happened?"
The younger's eyes flickered over to him, registering his question. He then glanced away, yet Taehyung didn't fail to notice the glimpse of sadness flashing in his eyes, which made his heart ache, "I don't know where to begin, really." A breathy chuckle fled his lips as he shrugged nonchalantly.
"Its okay if you don't want to talk about it-"
Jeongguk shook his head, cutting him off, "No, I'm over it now. It's just. . I don't know where to start. There are moments I wish to forget, but those are also what made me grow." Jeongguk seemed calm, yet sadness flickered in his eyes as he took a deep breath, "I was six when I lost my mom. It sucks, yes. Although I miss her, I have gotten accustomed to the fact that she's gone."
Taehyung fell silent, simply watching Jeongguk speak his heart out, eyes soft as he attempted to understand him, "I never had a great relation with my dad. He was always out, getting drunk wasted, and would always blame me for my mother's death. Even if it wasn't my fault. He simply couldn't accept it, and it always ended up with me getting beaten up or being tormented with his words."
"You know when I was finally freed from his clutches?" Jeongguk asked, a small smile playing on his lips. Only earning a mere shake of head from Taehyung in return, who simply couldn't take his eyes off him the whole time.
"It was the day we met, the day you accused me of kidnapping Minjun." He chortled, a bunny smile spreading on his princess lips that Taehyung found himself falling for. However, he remained still and awfully shook, eyes wide as he watched the younger chuckle softly.
"I-I'm so sorry! I-I didn't mean to ruin your-" He seemed utterly guilty of his foolishness on that very day. But Jeongguk cut him off, "You don't need to apologise, Tae. It was just a mistake. Besides, I wasn't exactly trying to steal your son anyway, I was just trying to keep him company as he clearly didn't want to be alone."
"Those bruises. . ." An image of how he'd left behind a limping Jeongguk the other day swam in front of his eyes, his heart crushing in sheer guilt. His mind turned blank, at a loss of words as guilt took control of him. A soft smile played on the younger's lips, "Don't you fret though, I'm okay now. I'm no longer in that shitty place anyway."
Jeongguk took in the other's expression, the look of guilt written all over his face, and perhaps a glint of sadness swimming within the darkness of his delinquent eyes. The older had moved his gaze away from him, seemingly in a trance. His posture stiff as a brick, shoulders tense as the images of his father swam in front of his eyes.
"Tae?" A soft feathery voice drifted him out of his trance, the aforementioned male meeting the other's concerned gaze, a worrisome look plastered on his face, "What's wrong?"
He stared at him for a moment, before shaking his head softly, blinking rapidly, "Nothing." He licked his chapped lips, collecting his thoughts. He placed one of his arms under his head, the other wrapped securely around Jeongguk as his fingers played with his hair, "Never thought I'd be able to relate to you so much." A soft grin tugged at Jeongguk's lips as he turned away.
"Maybe we're connected in some way."