her star boy - Chapter 8: Chapter 8

Luis
I'd never wanted a girlfriend, never had the urge to be with someone outside of being physical. And then I landed Devyn Young as my fake girlfriend and started planning our life together.
I glance at her now, in the passenger seat of my G-Wagon and imagine a world where I wasn't a total fuck up and we could have had those years together.
Instead, she's only in my car because she agreed to come to our place to hang out with Noah and Serena, who wanted to sit in the backseat together. I wonder if their love is overbearing, or if I'm just bitter because the only girl I've ever loved wants nothing to do with me.
I like that she's familiar with my house, hate that it's because she has been hanging out here since the summer, and the other guys that live here year round never told me. Not that they'd have known, but I don't have it in me to be rational.
Noah grabs a few snacks out of the pantry and the girls get comfortable on the sofa, chatting about the charity event we just left and how much they love their children and it's sweet, to hear how much they love their job.
Noah and I join them, me between Dev and Serena, and Noah on Devyn's other side. We watch The Bear and an hour in Noah mumbles something about needing the bathroom. Two minutes after that, Serena says the same thing and heads upstairs after him, even though there's a bathroom down here.
"I'd rather them just say they're going to hook up." Devyn turns to me and makes a disgusted face. "They do this all the time."
"Seems like they can't get enough of each other," I shake my head smiling.
Devyn rolls her eyes. "Yeah, well, you weren't the one that had to deal with it all summer."
I turn to her then, my eyes roaming over her side profile before she turns and gives me her attention.
"What?" she huffs out like she's sick of me.
"I wish I'd met you earlier, Dev," I tell her truthfully.
"We went to school together since we were four."
I shake my head. "Nah, I mean like, after high school. I wish we'd seen each other again sooner."
Devyn looks between my eyes and she's beautiful, so much that I almost can't take it and my heart burns. It makes me wonder if you can stop loving someone without reason. When you never wanted to.
"Yeah, well, I don't think I'd have been ready to see you." She shrugs, her eyes still guarded.
"Dev, would you hate me if I said I want to explain that night?"
She tenses, and I want to take it back, but I don't.
"What? You seeing me laughing with a guy and losing your shit and...?" She doesn't finish her sentence and I'm glad because thinking about doing that makes me sick.
"I want to tell you what happened, from my point of view," I tell her, keeping my voice even.
Devyn regards me blankly, and when she doesn't say anything I decide to go on.
"I messed around a lot through freshman to senior year, because it was fun and I liked sex. I knew I didn't want anything more, and I made that clear to anyone that showed interest in me."
"Then you stumbled into my life in your shitty relationship with Chris, and my first thought was, 'there's no way a guy like that deserves her'. I mean, I didn't deserve you either, but while I was just an asshole, Chris was a mega fucking asshole dick."
Devyn smiles at that and it gives me the boost I need to go on.
"I think I liked you much sooner than I realised. I definitely had a thing for you in middle school, and in high school, we barely crossed paths but I always saw you around. I loved your attitude. I loved that you didn't see me as a body or an athlete. You saw me as cocky, and annoying, real things."
"So when we were together, I pretended it was real from the get-go. It felt like you were this precious gem that was gifted to me and everyone wanted you, but I wanted you for myself, even though it wasn't even supposed to be real."
"I was an asshole, I was possessive and the problem was that instead of trusting that you wanted me the same way, I felt like I had to fight off every threat."
I take a breath in, closing my eyes for a moment. I hate thinking about that night. It haunts me.
"I saw you and Zhao together, and I turned all fucking caveman. It was a dick move and you had every right to be mad at me. I knew you did, so I decided to take a couple shots to chill out."
I can't look Devyn in the eye.
"I don't know why I did because I'd never drank and it was fucking disgusting, and I found out I was a total lightweight. I could barely manage to stand up right."
"I bumped into Maddy on my way to the bathroom. She was saying something to me, but I couldn't hear her because my head was spinning and I thought I was gonna throw up."
"She asked if I wanted to lie down, and I said I did, and she took me to her room. That's the last thing I remember. Then I woke up, and I was in her bed and my shirt was off and I..."
I glance at Devyn, but she's staring straight ahead at the paused TV and I swallow at the knot in my throat.
"I threw up in her bathroom. I wanted so badly to believe nothing happened, but my shirt was off and I was beneath her covers and she wasn't there."
"I couldn't find her before we left, or get a hold of her in the next couple days to find out what happened... and then she told you."
Devyn doesn't move an inch. I'm not even sure if she's breathing.
"I can't explain how much I regret it, Dev. Not a moment has gone by where I haven't. And what makes it fucking worse is that I can't tell you why I made that choice, because I don't remember. I just woke up and had this this horrible feeling in my stomach that I fucked up."
"I'm sorry," I breathe. "Hurting you was the worst mistake of my life."
Devyn turns to me after a few beats, her face unreadable, other than the gleam of her brown eyes and the slight tremor in her chin that betrays her.
"I appreciate that, Luis," she says, her eyes back on the TV screen.
I think she'll leave it at that, when she says, "We were stupid, to think doing all the things that you do in a relationship wouldn't end in real feelings."
I nod at this.
"I liked you, a lot. And for weeks after that night, I thought, if only I hadn't spoken to Evan, I wouldn't have given you a reason to hurt me. I thought it was my fault."
"Dev..." I start, but she holds up a hand.
"I know it wasn't," she says firmly. "It's just at the time I didn't understand why me talking to a guy was a problem when I didn't care about any guy but you."
My chest hurts, like a real sharp pain and I take in a breath to try and soothe it.
"The thing is, I don't even hate you for it anymore," she says, finally looking at me. "I... it's about respect, Luis. It may not have been official or anything, but you didn't respect me when we were together. Even before Maddy."
I realise she's referring to a girl I hooked up with at the start, before I realised that I really liked her. It was a fucking dick move, almost as bad as Maddy. I wanted to tell Devyn, but I didn't know how to explain that I wanted a warm body and I couldn't have her at that point. I was an immature asshole kid, and I didn't think she'd appreciate me telling her that I imagined it was her the whole time.
God, I fucking sucked.
"It took me a while to figure out that that's not something I wanted, or deserve," Devyn shrugs. "And it kinda fucked up men for me, in general."
The idea that my choice five years ago has stopped her from finding happiness with another guy makes my head fall back. I groan into my hands.
"I'm so fucking sorry, Dev."
"Don't beat yourself up over it, Pierce. We were both kids." I peek out of my hands to see her smiling at me.
"Will you be my friend Devyn?" I blurt out.
I don't care how she lets me have her. As long as I get to have her in my life again.
She raises a brow. "You think that's a good idea?" she asks.
"Please?" I beg.
She must realise I'm totally pathetic and desperate because her smile widens and she rolls her eyes.
"Fine, Pierce," she says. "Friends."
I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders and I grin at her.
It at this moment that Noah and Serena decide to make a reappearance, both a little disheveled and flushed.
Devyn kisses her teeth, grabs the remote control and presses play before anyone can say anything.