Homecoming (Lesbian) - Chapter 16: Chapter 16

"Do you regret it?" she asks, leaning back against her large leather chair.
I snort trying to concentrate. She won't stop looking at me and it makes me nervous. "A part of me does. The first few weeks, I dreamed of going back in time and not telling my dad I'd replace Connor... but that's not the way life works, is it?"
"No, it's not."
Talking about this is bringing back memories; bad memories. Things I can't quite leave behind. I want to but they won't go away. I rub my face with my hands and try to speak again. But nothing comes out.
"Riley? Don't lose your train of thought again. Stay here."
"I'm not. I can... I know."
"So, how did your father take the idea?"
"At the beginning, he thought I was kidding. Then he said a woman couldn't serve in combat. I answered women have being involved in wars since always. Turns our women are allowed in Combat position since 2016. I did my homework."
"Which is what he wanted. He wanted a child of his to fight."
"I guess."
"Why do you think that is?"
I shrug, "I'm not sure. I think maybe... it has something to do with actively doing all the things he relates the army to. Fighting for our rights and our freedom. Or maybe it's because Uncle Ron died while fighting and all the men before him served in combat. He was Special Forces."
"I see. What about your mother. How did she take it?"
"After my dad had agreed, we called family meeting. My mom cried and Connor was... shocked. But we didn't really discuss it. The only thing my mom did was stand up, walk up to my father and slap him. Then we didn't talk about it again. Whenever Connor tried to thank me, I stopped him. I was angry at him. It was stupid but I thought it was unfair somehow, that if he would've been braver none of this would've happened. It wasn't a rational feeling. I just needed someone to blame."
"Do you still blame your brother?"
"No. Like I said, it was stupid. There is really no one to blame here. Not even my dad. Even he was a victim of his circumstances."
"Have you forgiven your father for forcing your brother to go; for forcing you?"
"I'm not sure."
She sighs which can only mean one thing. "What about Faye? How did she take it?"
I lick my lips and reply "You know how she took it."
"No, I know what little I spoke with her. She didn't really open up to me. But you were her partner, she opened up to you."
I look down and breathe, I force myself to bring back those memories.
She laughed, she thought it was a joke. A bad one, but she still laughed.
I stayed quiet while the silence in the shed fought with her denial. I sat down next to her on the bed that had once being mine, and tried to reach out for her hand. It was like that action made something inside of her click. If it was a joke, why wasn't I laughing? Why was I trying to grab her hand instead?
"What are you doing, Riley?" she said with the disbelief of someone who wakes up from a dream to a reality they don't recognize.
"My dad wouldn't leave Connor alone, so I offered to replace him. He agreed."
"No... no, you didn't." she said standing up "We found a place, remember? This small two bedroom apartment downtown. We're going to buy the furniture next week."
"Baby..." I stood up and tried to get closer to her but she wouldn't let me.
"This isn't fucking funny, Riley!"
I stretched my arms to hug her and she pushed me away, which only made me try harder to put my arms around her. She kept hitting my chest, trying to push me until she couldn't handle it anymore. Faye's heart broke in my arms. She screamed as if the sky was falling down. And what did I do? I just stood there, holding her while she cried like a little girl. At one point, her sobbing became so intense her dad walked in believing something wrong was happening. Well, something wrong was happening. He saw me hugging her as Faye sobbed her lungs out.
Mr. Burton looked at me for answers, I shook my head.
After crying and yelling and hitting me repeatedly in the shoulders, we managed to calm her down. We sat on the living room but she wouldn't talk, and we wouldn't try to make her. Mrs. Burton gave her some tea to calm her down. After swallowing it up, she went upstairs without saying a word. Mr. Burton seemed angry. He was trying not to be judgmental about what I said that could make their daughter so upset.
I told them.
Mr. Burton took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes with his index and thumb. Mrs. Burton offered to make more tea.
"When are you leaving?" Mr. Burton asked.
"I don't know yet. I have an appointment for next week."
He put his glasses back on. His hands were shaking. "Are you sure this is what you want, Riley? Service is four years of active duty."
"If I don't do this, my dad's gonna send my baby brother. I'm not happy about this. But, I'm sure."
He snorted "I wish I could ask if you have already talked to your father about just not doing it but... I'm sure you've exhausted every possible dialogue."
"Pretty much." I stayed quiet. I wanted to cry just as much as Faye had but I felt that, in that situation, it was my duty to stay strong. I had to be her rock. If I let her know I didn't want to do this, that I was terrified, it would only make it harder on her. "I'm sorry about the apartment. It was a great place."
He shook his head and changed topic. "She'll understand, Riley. Eventually, she'll understand."
"It doesn't matter. I'm leaving. Maybe it'll be easier for the both of us if she doesn't."
"Faye was an only child but I do have younger brothers. I understand."
I nodded "Thanks."
Mr. Burton placed his hand on my shoulder and rubbed it. "Be strong, Riley. Be strong, girl."
Mrs. Burton came in with a few cups of tea. We drank them in silence. After I was finished, I excused myself and went to see Faye. I knocked on the door, hoping she wouldn't do what my brother did, but instead, I heard a thick voice coming from inside. "Come in, Riley."
I entered. She was laying on the bed, with her hands between her thighs and her back to me. I sat on the edge of the bed, far enough so she wouldn't feel threatened, but close enough so she'd know I was there with her.
"I'm sorry, Faye."
"You didn't even consult me. Not even a heads up. You just... you just come around and tell me you're enlisting?" she murmured "What is wrong with you?"
"I'm sorry."
"How long have you been thinking about this?"
"I didn't think about it. I'm thinking about my brother. He doesn't want to go! He could get killed."
"What about you?" she sat up to look at me. Her eyes were red, the skin under them was turning purple. "You could die there!"
"That's not gonna happen, I'm just gonna get sent some silly place where I have to be in front of a computer or something like that, I don't know how it works."
Tears were starting to fall down her cheeks again. She quickly cleaned them up asking "Are you gonna dump me?"
Silence. I felt as if my body had been frozen. A dizziness clouded my thoughts and I couldn't...
"I don't know. What do you wanna do?"
She smiled. "I want you not to leave me alone."
"That's what she said. I remember it, it's carved in my skull. I kept repeating it to myself. I kept hearing it in the back of my mind. Always. She said 'I want you not to leave me alone', and I still did."
The woman behind the desk writes something down on a piece of paper. She's never being much of writing but she wrote that.
She folds the piece of paper in four, drags it away to the corner of the desk and focuses her blue eyes on me again. "Do you feel guilty, Riley?"
I smile. Do I feel guilty? "Guilt is the only thing I feel."
She sighs. I hate when she sighs. She does that every time she's going to move on. "If I remember correctly, you and Faye didn't break up. Instead, you decided to face it the way you faced everything. Together."
"Yeah. We did. A week later I enlisted. I remember the day I was supposed to go there I stood in front of the mirror in my bathroom. I looked at my own image as I removed, one by one, each piercing. I had three. Two in my right ear, one in my lower lip. I wanted to look at myself as I got rid of who I was."
"The piercings were not who you were, Riley."
"They were decisions I made. It was part of me. A stupid part, but a part nonetheless."
First, I took off the two rings I had in my right lob. I breathed in deep, deeper than I ever had before and simply watched as the ring in my mouth twisted out. It was a long couple of days. A vocational test, a physical test, an interview. I had to pass all of them and I was hoping I hadn't. But of course I did.
After her first reaction, and after I had promised her that I wouldn't leave her, that I would come back to her, Faye did what she always does. She supported my stupid, ridiculous, impulsive decision and did her best to make me feel loved and respected.
It took time, but had gotten to a place where we could be content with it and after finding out I was going to leave for Georgia in a month, we decided to tell our friends. They had no idea, I wanted to tell them myself when I had something actually cleared out.
This time, we didn't ask them to meet us at the pizzeria as normal, we asked them to meet us at the bar. I thought it'd be easier if Mike, Louise and especially Scott had a few beers on their heads when I mouthed the word "I'm leaving."
They got there late, as always. Scott hugged me when he saw me, kissed Faye on the cheek and sat down asking for a beer. Louise and Mike arrived even later.
Once they were all sitting comfortably on their chairs, they looked at us expecting. Their first idea was that Faye and I had gotten engaged. I wanted to cry as soon as they said that. That was all I wanted, a life with her. I told myself it would be just four years, I would come home and get my life back. Faye promised that. So did I.
"What the hells is it, guys?" Scott asked taking a sip of his beer.
"Yeah? What's with the secrecy?" Louise added.
Faye looked at me and signaled me to do it "Guys... I joined the army."
Like I said, they were expecting engagement. Hugs, drinks, bachelorette parties. Instead, I was leaving.
"What?" Mike was the first one to react.
"My dad wanted my brother to go. He would've gotten killed, so I convinced him to let me take my brother's place."
Scott started laughing "Yeah, right. Hunger Game style and everything." But neither Faye nor I laughed. Faye looked away and I stared straight into his eyes. "Man... What the fuck, Ry?"
"Riley..." Mike muttered but said nothing further.
"It's gonna be fine, guys. I get a month off per year and money will help at home."
They all looked at each other, trying to decide who would be the bigger man or woman and show support first. They all tried to grin and hug me. The saddest hug in the world. But it didn't last. Scott, always the party-man, ordered twenty shots of tequila and said he wouldn't allow it to be a sad moment.
"You are leaving in a month, right?" he asked.
"Yeah," I confirmed.
"Well, you have a month of freedom, girl, so I'm guessing Faye's is milking you like a cow."
"Scott!" Faye shouted but smiled.
"And... me? Your best friend is gonna get you out of your mind wasted."
I have no idea how many times I've repeated that I don't really like the taste of alcohol by now. But that night, tequila couldn't have tasted sweeter. We swallowed down those shots as if they would disappear if we didn't. We ordered more along with more beers. Mike and Louise danced. I danced with Scott while Faye tried to figure out how to play darts. We had a little competition. Whoever win at darts would gets a free pint. We were so drunk that managing to hit the board was an achievement.
I can't, for the life of me, remember who won. After too many tequila shots and Louise using the opportunity, she convinced Scott and Mike to kiss, just for laughs. They both ran away from each other as if they had just kissed Freddy Krueger.
I was happy, I was free, I was complete. With my girl and my friends doing stupid things. I didn't have a bachelorette party, but I had a go away one. That night, Faye and I stayed on the shed. We were too drunk to even try to get intimate. We fell asleep as soon as our faces touch the bed's fabric.
But Scott was right, the following weeks, Faye was going to milk me. Whenever we were alone, she would push me against the wall and slip her hand inside my jeans. We spent every single day together, we couldn't keep our hands off each other, we didn't want to. We knew it would make the departure harder, but we didn't care. We wanted to love each other as much as we could for as long as we could.
We tried to go to restaurants we didn't know of and had never tried. Some were awful, some were surprisingly great. We played every single video game we could get our hands on and we would spend almost every night in the shed. Mr. and Mrs. Burton didn't say anything. I was leaving, and that had its perks apparently.
Some days, however, we would sit in my room, while I played the guitar. She sat on the floor by the bed, with her arm around her legs and her chin on her knees. I played something slow and soulful.
"I'm gonna love you forever, Riley." She said.
I stopped playing. "You promise?" I said.
She nodded without turning to me "I promise. We should get married."
"We will, we just have to wait a bit longer."
"No, I mean... let's get married. You're leaving in a week, we can go to a judge. My dad knows a few, you know? We would get married in a couple of days and..."
"Faye... I'm still going to leave."
"It's not that." She stood up and sat next to me. "I don't want this to tear us up, let's get married."
"This is not the way you're supposed to marry someone."
"Why not? It'll just... it'll give me some kind of certainty, you know? That this time apart it's not going to... break us up."
"Get married and what? You becoming an army wife? Waiting around for your woman to come home? Living alone in an apartment, hoping she'll come back soon? Or following me as I get transfer from place to place? I'm not doing that to you." There was a shine on her eyes, I could see it. "I want you to promise me something. Promise me that while I'm gone, you're gonna live a great life, and you'll have awesome stories to tell me when I get back. And I promise I will come back. Nothing is gonna happen to me. Okay?"
She nodded and hugged me. We got under the covers and held each other, giving each other warmth. I could smell her hair, it smelled different; it smelled of rain. Hours went by and we didn't move.
"I'll wait for you..." she murmured "I promise, I'll wait."
I wanted to cry. Why was life so unfair? And why am I blaming life? This was my decision, I had to deal with it. "And I promise, I'll come back, okay? I promise."
She gazed up from my chest and showed me her pinky. "Pinky promise?"
I laughed "Pinky promise."