Hunt Me Down - Chapter 19: Chapter 19

Hunter’s POV
“That was one Hell of a comeback!” Cameron panted, too exhausted to move.
“That it was,” I agreed, rolling off his back and lying next to him on the linen white sheets of the hotel bed. “We had a lot to catch up on.”
“What kept you away for so long?” He asked, still on his stomach, turning only his head towards me. “Anyone interesting?”
“Not really,” I lied without batting an eyelash.
“What about that neighbor of yours? The boy?” He pressed. “The one that saw us, I mean. He won’t tell, right?”
“He won’t tell,” I reassured him. “I’m over boys; I prefer grown up men,” I caressed the naked skin of the back of his leg to distract him from talking about Nat. It didn’t work.
“Newbie wasn’t any good then?” He asked.
“You’ve rented a room for us and you want to talk about some kid? And that,” my hand moved upwards to his butt, “when I’m still hungry for you.”
The thought about another round of our grown-up activities brought a smile to his face.
“Can I be on top this time?” He purred, his eyes smoldering.
“No.”
*****
Lighting up a cig on my way home, I pulled the hood of my cream-colored sweatshirt up to protect me from the drizzle. The sidewalk was illuminated by the shine from the streetlights and the many shops that were neatly fitted one right next to the other. They were the reason why this part of town was called the shopping district. It was also a home to establishments such as restaurants and the Barritone hotel – the place where Cameron usually took me. He couldn’t bring me to his house for two reasons: one – he had not come out yet, and two – his family would phone the police as soon as I lay foot in their yard; I wasn’t their sort of person. So going to his place was a no-no.
The same applied to my Aunt’s house because Cam was too scared Betty and the neighbors might see us. But this district – it was alive even now around midnight and the crowds that filled it were so diverse, no one would think twice about me being here.
The hotel was a bit different. Catering mostly to the upper classes, the staff would look at me at the corner of their eyes to make sure I didn’t run off with some of their fancy decorations or one of their patrons’ wallets. So yes, I stood out, but they could never know exactly which of their guests I was visiting; Cam always got the same room so I went straight there, not stopping at the reception to inquire about him. I bet some – if not all – of the staff thought I was a gigolo; I only came at dark and left just a few hours after my arrival. Not that I cared about what they thought; unlike Cam, I wouldn’t have a problem with the two of us making out in the lobby for everyone to see.
I shook my head.
He was a grown-up man, yet he still hid what he was. I could understand if he was some insecure kid but…
A kid.
My mind immediately reeled in another direction.
Yes, Nathaniel may have been mature for his age when it came to certain aspects but when sex was involved, he was like a kid. I should’ve known better than to waste my time on him. What had gotten me so curious about him in the first place?
He was hot, no doubt about that, but I’d seen hotter. It was his behavior that had fascinated me.
His reaction to seeing me and Cameron make out had been amusing and then we kept on running into each other. If I was superstitious, I’d say it was fated; that we were fated.
His reaction to my subtle and sometimes not so subtle flirts was also entertaining; he looked adorable when he was all flustered and blushing.
He was passionate. Perhaps not about matters of the bed but about the things he cared about. About writing. About sticking up for Val. About his morals. That last one could get annoying at times, but I still admired that.
He had this really thoughtful expression when he daydreamed, which at first had reminded me of Blake. Not that anyone would ever accuse Blake Nelson of being thoughtful; he just spaced out a lot.
I shook my head.
I was trying not to think of Nathaniel and how did I console myself?
With thoughts of the boy who some would say broke my heart. I wouldn’t go as far as to call it that although it had been true that I’d felt something very similar to being in love when it came to Blake. Perhaps, I really had been in love with him without realizing it. But who could truly say what it was like to be in love?
Maybe some would try to give the phrase a definition but people were different; they perceived things differently, they felt things differently and in the end everyone would give their own version of what love felt like.
So no, I could not say with certainty that I had been in love with Blake Nelson but I did love him enough to waste a year of my life in jail because of him.
And just a few months after I got out, I’d started to feel something very similar for a boy who was younger than me, even younger than Blake. Two… or was it closer to three years?
I furrowed my eyebrows and exhaled slowly, the smoke from my cig forming a small cloud which dispersed as I passed through it. My nose wrinkled. I hated the smell of cigarettes yet once I’d started with them, I couldn’t get enough.
Two or three years, it didn’t matter. Either way, there wasn’t such a big difference in our age yet I felt much older than Nathaniel whenever I flirted with him. Maybe it was his inexperience that made him seem younger.
I took a last drag of the cig and dropped the butt in one of the many puddles. Just a couple of seconds later, I eagerly lighted another of my smokes, hoping the rhythmic inhale-exhale would help me get a grip; thinking about those two boys was definitely taking a toll on my nerves. But just like with the cigarettes, once I’d started, I couldn’t stop.
Whatever had first attracted me to Nathaniel and whatever kept my interest in him should no longer be important. He had made his choice to be with a girl, just like Blake had.
I threw the cancer stick against one of the buildings without even having tasted it and cussed aloud. I began walking faster, ignoring those who had turned their heads to see why I’d let out a brief but colorful string of profanities.
Just like Blake?
No.
Even though Blake started dating a girl, it was not the same.
Blake was straight, I’d known that from the start and there was never a doubt in my mind over that fact. Nathaniel on the other hand claimed to be straight but his reactions to me and the way he sometimes looked at me had made me doubt that. It had made me hope.
I’d never had a chance with Blake, but with Nat there had been hope.
And now it was taken from me.
And I was furious about it.
Even though I did not want to admit it and I sure as Hell didn’t want to feel it, I was just that: furious.
Furious about Nat and his indecision… Furious that he was too scared to disappoint anyone and try something new… But most of all I was furious at me. I should’ve known better after Blake. I shouldn’t have gotten so caught up with anyone ever again.
And in the end could I really stay angry at Nathaniel for choosing Irene?
She was a safe choice, someone his parents and society would approve of; someone whose hand he could hold on the way back from the movies without people whispering about it, without pointing at them like some circus attraction, without being glared at or without a bunch of silly high school girls giggling like crazy at the sight of them. Why did those girls even bother winking or sending kisses towards someone who was obviously gay?
Did they have some threesome two-guys-one-girl fantasy or something?
Or were they looking for the cliché gay best friend?
Sometimes those girls were even more annoying than the middle-aged man who gave you dirty looks and spat on the ground as you walked by them or those Christians who started crossing themselves as if just looking at a gay couple would land them a spot in Hell.
Yes, Irene was safe.
I’d chosen Cameron for a similar reason: he was safe. Not because we were an acceptable couple, but because he was scared to come out and there was no chance of us being a couple; he was safe because I felt only carnal desires towards him; he was safe because I would not fall in love with him.
So in the end I would pardon Nathaniel. As a matter of fact, I’d already had. Forgiveness brought me no peace though; even though the rational part of me told me I should just let him live his life the way he wanted to, I still felt angry, disappointed and even cheated.
Those feelings were not enough to keep me away from him for long though. And another feeling – that Goddamned hope which refused to diminish – would probably make me try my luck with him again, against my better judgment.