Ice Cold - Chapter 36: Chapter 36

Wren Ridley
My fingers tapped on the steering wheel as I drove Robin back to the airport later that night. It was like I couldn't get them to stop even if I tried. I didn't have a handle on my mind, and they had a mind of their own.
Robin and I were silent for a little while. I had a book playing, trying to lose my mind in anything other than my reality at the moment. But Robin was a talker, so it didn't last long.
"This was a really fun few days. I'm kinda sad it's over," Robin said, glancing over at me.
I was glad it was enjoyable for one of us. For me it was anything but. It was like these short few days had completely derailed my life. My relationship with Fox, my relationship with Landon, both were completely turned around. For the first time in a long time, my life felt completely out of my control. That was why I tended not to let others have a stake in my life. It made things too unpredictable.
"So is everything okay with you and Fox?" Robin asked after I didn't reply.
I scoffed. "What do you think?"
Robin shot me an awkward smile like that was the exact answer he expected.
"He'll come around," he said.
"I don't think he will."
I knew if it ever came to this, Fox finding out, that it would end poorly. He was never going to be okay with me being with Landon. I never expected him to find out, or for my relationship with Landon to last long enough for Fox to find out.
"He was bitching at me about you last night," Robin said. "I told you it was bold to wear Landon's sweatshirt to the game."
I rolled my eyes. "It's not like I expected to see him after the game. He shouldn't have been in the locker room." He was the one that told me not to even go, so why would I plan on seeing him afterward?
"Look, I know you two like to be at each other's throats, but I think maybe if Fox realized what Landon meant to you he'd be more understanding."
I shook my head and let out a sigh. Robin clearly misunderstood my relationship with Fox entirely. We didn't like being on each other's nerves; it was just how we were. Fox didn't care if Landon meant something to me. He saw my relationship with him as an act of betrayal. It didn't matter how I felt.
"You don't know what Landon means to me," I told him.
Robin shot me a knowing look. He was always so perceptive, one of the only people who could catch me in my lies.
"I wasn't born yesterday," he said. "You don't have to tell me anything, but I know this wouldn't be as big of a deal if you two were just friends."
I didn't say anything. Robin could believe what he wanted to believe.
The two of us didn't say anything else until I pulled into the airport and pulled off to the side to let Robin out.
"Well, I'll see you in a few weeks," Robin said, pulling his bag from the backseat. "Try to make up with Fox by Christmas, at least for Mom's sake. She hates when you two are fighting."
"Fly into Boston next time and take the train home," I said, no emotion in my tone. I was done talking about Fox with him. I was done talking at all. The sooner he got out of my car so I could be by myself, the better.
Robin let out a sigh but smiled at me anyway.
"Bye, Wren. Love you."
I gave him a two finger wave and waited until he was in the building before pulling away.
I turned my book back on, rewinding back to the last part I remembered, but after a moment I had to stop it. This was the book I was listening to with Landon and it felt weird to continue it without him, even if he didn't really care about it. I paused the book and put another on.
It was like there were two different parts of my mind; one that was taking over and directing me wherever I was going and one that was just along for the ride. I didn't know where I was headed. I just drove around aimlessly for a while because there was nothing else for me to do. I didn't know where Landon was or if he even wanted to see me.
Eventually I made it back to my dorm and sat at my desk with my laptop. Maybe if I read a little bit of my draft, I could pull out of the writer's block I'd been facing lately.
It seemed like the more I read, the worse I felt. I started to hate my writing, hate the story I created. It felt too much like I was writing about my own life. The main character felt too much like me, and I started hating traits about him that I found present in myself.
I was sitting at my desk for a while, staring at my computer in irritation. I was so lost in thought that I didn't even realize James had come into the room until he slammed his hand down on my desk.
"Hello," he said in an annoyed tone. "Were you just going to ignore me?"
"What?" I glanced at the time. It was just after five. James must have just gotten back from New York.
"I asked how your Thanksgiving was," he replied. "And your time with your family this weekend? Did you really not even hear me?"
I sighed and shut my laptop, standing from my desk.
"No, I didn't hear you, clearly," I said. I walked over to my closet and pulled Landon's sweatshirt out, throwing it on over my t-shirt. "My Thanksgiving was fine. How was yours?" Not that I really cared all that much, but I was so out of it I just had to go through the motions.
"It was good, glad to be back though," James said. He looked at me strangely when he saw me walking toward the door. "Where are you going? You don't wanna go get dinner?"
"No, I gotta go," I said, patting my pockets to make sure I had my keys and wallet with me before I left.
I sent a text to Landon on my way down to the car.
To: Landon
Are you around?
I didn't expect a response, but I hoped for one anyway. Landon hadn't been answering any of the texts I sent him. I didn't even care about appearing desperate, I just wanted him to respond.
He wanted space after the game, I got that, but it sort of felt like he wanted nothing to do with me anymore and that made me feel empty. If he didn't want to see me at all anymore, I wished he'd just say it. That way I wouldn't have to appear so desperate for his attention.
A response never came as I drove over to his dorm. I didn't even know if he was here.
When I knocked on the door, Kyle answered with a look of confusion.
"Landon's not here," he said.
"Do you happen to know where he is?" I asked, shoving my hands in my pockets.
"No, shouldn't you?"
"Well, clearly I don't," I said with a grin, trying to hide the strain in my voice. I didn't want it to seem like I snapped at him, but it may have come across like that anyway.
"I haven't seen him since I got back," Kyle said. "I figured he was with you."
Not very helpful, Kyle!
"Alright then," I replied, turning and walking out.
When I got back to my car, I just sat there for a few moments. I didn't like this feeling of uncertainty. I wasn't sure what was going on with Landon and me anymore, or if he was angry with me or embarrassed. It made me feel insecure and unimportant.
I wished he would talk to me. I wished I knew what to do to make him want to talk to me.
I wanted the two of us to be able to stay in our own little bubble in Providence, not mixing our lives here with ours away from here. Mixing the two just made things more complicated. It made it so I couldn't keep my life at school separate from my family which also complicated things.
Fox clearly knew that what I had with Landon wasn't platonic, but what did the rest of my family think? Robin had a hunch, maybe my parents did too. I had spent so long hiding my true self from all of them just for them to find out like this. I didn't know what any of them were thinking, didn't know if I even wanted to.
I hated this feeling more than anything. This was why I never let myself get close to anyone. This was why letting my feelings reach deep within me for someone else wasn't a good idea. It was never a good idea, I knew it, yet I let it happen anyway.
I let out a sigh as I looked at my phone once more before leaning my head on the steering wheel. Then I sat up and started the car.
All I could do was drive around, listening to an audiobook, to clear my mind.
***
When classes started backup, that wasn't even enough to distract me from what happened over Thanksgiving break. Landon still wouldn't respond to me, so I stopped trying. I tried to stay away from Stella and James as much as I could. It was only a matter of time before they started questioning me about what was going on and I didn't want to talk to them about it.
The two of them were obviously sick of me avoiding them because they had turned up at the coffee shop one morning, which was normal for Stella but unusual for James considering Anthony worked here.
Stella and James immediately found where I was sitting and wordlessly sat down across from me. I kept my eyes on my laptop and sipped my latte like they weren't even there. That worked for all of five minutes until Stella was waving her hands in my face and forcing me to look at her.
"Is there a reason you two are here distracting me?" I asked, lowering the screen of my laptop slightly so I could look at them.
"Is there a reason you're being mopey and avoiding us?" Stella asked, her tone matching mine mockingly.
"I'm not," I lied.
"Don't bullshit us," James said. "You're clearly going through something. You're never even at the dorm long enough for me to talk to you. I haven't seen you for more than five seconds in days. What's going on?"
I couldn't stand their interrogating or the concerned looks on their faces. They didn't need to know what was going on with me. They wouldn't even begin to understand it.
"I'm just cramming for finals, which are coming up by the way in case the two of you have forgotten," I replied.
The two of them didn't believe a word out of my mouth.
"Anthony! A refill please," I called out, causing James's frown to deepen, but he didn't leave the table like I hoped he would.
Anthony walked over with a strange look on his face, my drink in hand. He set it down and took the cash from my hand without a word before going back to the counter.
"It's going to take more than that to get me to leave," James said once Anthony was out of ear-shot.
"I wasn't trying to get you to leave," I lied, sipping on my new latte. "I just needed a new drink. Need all the caffeine I can get to stay away studying for these finals."
"Oh, shut up Wren," Stella said, crossing her arms over her chest. "I'm just going to say it. Did something happen with Landon?"
I kept my expression blank and set my drink back down on the table.
"Why would you ask that?"
"Because he and Jess have been hanging out a lot the last few days. He's usually hanging out with you," she said.
"We don't have to be together all the time."
Stella pressed her lips together tightly, sparing a glance at James and then back at me. I was done with this conversation, and if they wouldn't leave, I would.
"This was great and all, but I really must get going," I said, standing from the table and grabbing my things.
Neither of them followed me out of the coffee shop. I shared a brief glance with Anthony before walking out and heading back to my dorm. Once I got there, I didn't bother going inside. James would be back soon anyway and I didn't want to see him, so I got in my car and drove around. It seemed like that was all I did this week.
Reading and driving always gave me an escape, but with my emotions at an all time high, this was proving difficult. I couldn't even go sit by the beach. It would only remind me of the times I took Landon there to give him some peace of mind. It wouldn't work for me.
I hated that I felt like this, that I felt so lost and and empty and tired. I had never experienced something like this, this loss of something I couldn't even name. I didn't know I could feel this type of hurt. I was so used to bottling up my emotions and keeping them hidden from even myself, but these ones were so enormous that I couldn't keep them locked away. They spilled over, drowning me in them.
I was driving for a while before I made the decision to go to where I knew I'd be able to find Landon. It was almost six, and I knew his hockey practice would be ending soon.
It was Thursday night. I hadn't seen Landon since he walked away from me this weekend, and hadn't heard from him either. I had checked his game schedule and knew that he would be in Boston this weekend to play against Boston University. I had to see him before he was gone.
Without letting myself think more about it, I drove toward the practice rink. I parked the car where I had a view of the doors and waited. It was only a few minutes later when players started trickling out of the doors.
As soon as I saw Landon walk out, I got out of the car. He was by himself, bag slung over his shoulder and hands in the pockets of his sweatpants. I didn't know what I was going to say to him. I hadn't thought it through. I just knew I had to say something.
"Hey," I called out, causing Landon to look up.
He looked at me with a disgruntled expression. His hair was wet and slightly disheveled. It was too cold out for him to be walking around with wet hair.
"What are you doing here?" he muttered. His voice was low like he was trying to avoid anyone noticing him, even me.
"Were you going to tell me you dumped me or was I just supposed to figure it out?" I asked. I didn't know why I said it like that, but it was a thought that kept crossing my mind throughout the days Landon ignored me, that he had broken up with me without ever saying it.
He let out a sigh. "I didn't dump you, Wren."
"Then why have you been ghosting me?" I asked urgently. "I tried to give you space, I thought that was what you wanted, but five days without contact seems unnecessarily prolonged don't you think?"
"I didn't dump you, but that doesn't mean we should be together."
There was a pang in my chest at that.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not good for you."
My heart stuttered.
"Why would you say that?" I asked, my voice hollow. I didn't even sound like myself.
"Do we really have to do this?" He started walking away, but I stood in front of him and stopped him in his tracks.
"I want to know what you mean," I said. I didn't dare reach out to touch him, no matter how much I wanted to, how much I craved it. I didn't want him to leave.
"I mean I'm not good for you, Wren. Or for anybody," he said, running a hand through his hair and pulling at the ends. "Do you even know who I am? What I've done? As much as I try to change, I'm still that person!"
I shook my head, holding my hand up to stop him.
"You're not," I said. He didn't see the person he had become in even the short time I had known him. He used to be so angry and quick with his fists. Now he was gentle and sensitive.
"Wren, you don't know that. You may think you know everything, but you don't," he replied, looking frustrated, his eyes wide. "I can't be with you. I can't get between you and your family. I need to be alone like I was supposed to be until you came into my life and ruined that for me."
Ruined. I ruined him.
The last time I had heard him say that hadn't hurt like this. My heart fell into my stomach, and I was at a loss for words, my mouth dry, my throat closing.
I was losing him, and there was nothing I could say or do. His mind was made up. It was probably made up days ago while I was still holding onto the hope that he just needed some space.
"I just..." he trailed, letting out a sigh. "I just need to be alone."
That was it.
I watched him walk away from me again.