Ice Cold - Chapter 37: Chapter 37

Wren Ridley
I stared at myself in the mirror, unable to recognize myself for a solid minute. It was like I was a separate person looking in on this pathetic boy in a private moment having a crisis.
I really didn't know who this person was staring back at me, this person who allowed another person to affect him so enormously.
What was I doing, mourning the loss of something that should have never mattered much in the first place? What was I doing, throwing myself into a pit of loneliness and sadness over someone who I was never supposed to care about?
My mind was in shambles, telling me conflicting things. Landon leaving me was a good thing, but also the worst thing. I was stronger than this, but I was also weaker than I'd ever been.
I hated not knowing what to do, losing control of my thoughts. It was something that rarely ever happened to me, and it was something I tried my hardest to avoid.
Landon walking away from me replayed in my mind over and over again. I couldn't stop it. It was like there was a film reel on my brain and that was the only footage.
I should have been prepared for one of us to leave. The little bubble we had was bound to blow up eventually. I thought I was prepared for this, but despite that, it still left me in anguish.
I took a few deep breaths and turned away from the mirror and went back to my dorm room.
James was out. I had been avoiding him. I couldn't take his questioning or even his talking in general. He talked too much. But I knew it was only a matter of time until he showed up, and I needed to figure something out before he got here.
I shut the door behind me and went over to James's unmade bed. I crouched down, reaching underneath it and feeling around until I found what I wanted. If I was in my right state of mind, I never would have done this. There was no telling what was under that bed, but at that moment I couldn't find it in me to care.
I pull a bottle out from under James's bed. It was vodka, which was fine, I didn't really have a preference at this point since all I wanted was to get my mind to do something else other than linger on Landon.
It was a stupid idea, and it was exactly what I judged everyone else for. Turning to alcohol to deal with emotions always felt cowardly to me. But now that I was feeling emotions that I had no idea what to do with, I understood why people did it.
I took a swig of the vodka and winced as I swallowed it, the burn lingering in my throat. I didn't even have time to take another sip before James barged in and ripped the bottle out of my hand.
"What are you doing with that?" he asked with a look of bewilderment. I'd never seen such a strange look on his face. His eyes were bulging out at me like I had two heads.
"Oh, nothing," I answered casually, standing up from the floor and handing James the cap to the bottle.
"Seriously!"
"Having a drink. What else would I be doing with it?"
I walked past him to my side of the room. It wasn't as tidy as I usually kept it, my bed unmade, my desk littered with open notebooks and pens.
"You don't drink, Wren," James said, turning to face me as I went to my bed.
"On occasion," I said with a shrug.
James shook his head. "No, you don't."
It was kind of funny seeing James so worked up. It momentarily made me forget all the sorrow I had been feeling.
of me was relieved he had taken the bottle away. I'd still have to sit here with my thoughts, but at least I wasn't going to get myself drunk and regret it later.
I pulled the covers back on my bed and got in, James still looking at me like I was crazy.
"You are acting insane," James said, setting the bottle down on his desk.
"It's just a little drink, James."
"No, it's not just that," he replied. "You're not acting like yourself."
It was strange to see James so serious. He was always joking, teasing, and flirting. The serious look on his face aged him a bit.
"I'm acting exactly like myself," I said, to which James let out a frustrated shriek. He picked the bottle back up and took a sip out of it.
I didn't want to keep talking to him, or have him talk to me, so I laid down and faced away from him, staring at the blank wall.
"It's like five-thirty," I heard James say behind me.
"I'm tired," I replied quietly, my thoughts reaching me again and choking me up. I couldn't talk to James anymore, he'd be able to hear it in my voice.
I heard James sigh and shuffle around the room. I was hoping he'd leave, but he stayed for a while and I kept my back to him the whole time. I wished sleep would overtake me, but I stayed staring at the wall, letting the memory of Landon walking away consume me.
James called out to me after an hour, maybe. I wasn't sure how much time had passed.
"I'm going to Stella's, you wanna come?" he asked.
I stayed silent. He would just think I was sleeping. I really couldn't talk to him anymore.
James waited a few moments before letting out a sigh and leaving the room.
I didn't bother getting up even with James out of the room. There was nothing for me to do. I had gone ahead on all of my schoolwork, and I was suffering from major writer's block. Even reading offered me nothing in the state I was in.
After a while, I checked my phone and saw texts from Fox.
From: Fox
Why is there a Stella and a James messaging me on instagram telling me there's something wrong with you?
Saying stuff about you acting weird and depressed?
Answer me dipshit
As I was reading the texts, a phone call from Fox popped up on the screen, to which I promptly ignored only to get another angry text from him.
From: Fox
If you don't answer me right now I'm calling mom and she'll go down there.
I know you don't want that so answer the fucking phone.
When Fox called again, I picked it up.
"Yes, brother dear?" I answered.
"What the hell is going on?" was Fox's angry response.
The two of us hadn't spoken since we'd seen each other last. I knew Fox would only reach out when he wanted to talk to me, I just had to wait it out and see if he ever did.
"What do you mean?" I asked, though I could guess what Stella and James had said to him.
"Why are your friends messaging me and telling me you're having a mental breakdown?"
"Hm," I hummed, pausing for a moment. "Not sure. They do tend to be a little melodramatic."
"And they'd go as far as to contact me, who they don't even know, just to be dramatic?" Fox asked.
"Precisely."
"That doesn't seem right to me."
"Well, you know, strange people do strange things."
"You're strange," Fox replied. "And you do sound weird. Have you been drinking? Crying? What's happening?"
"No, Fox, I'm as normal as I've ever been." I knew he'd be able to hear something in my voice, the way it was small, raspy, like my throat was closing up.
"So not very?"
I let out a laugh, though it wasn't genuine. I didn't feel like myself. I wasn't sure I even could laugh.
"Wren, seriously," Fox said, sounding agitated. "I'm going to call Mom if you don't give me a reason to think you're good."
"Well, I've already told you that I'm fine," I said. "It's not like you normally call to check up on me. You don't know how I normally am."
"No, but it's not like your friends message me normally to tell me you're not being normal."
"And you care because?" I asked.
"Because you're my brother?" he replied in a mocking, questioning tone. "I know I was pissed at you last time I saw you, but that doesn't mean I don't care. Even if I'm still pissed at you."
"How kind of you."
"I'm calling Mom."
"Fox, don't trouble her with this," I told him. "I'm going home this weekend anyway."
"Are you actually?" he asked, clearly not believing me.
I hadn't thought about it until just then, but I could go home for the weekend to get away from here.
"Yes, I am."
He was silent for a moment, but I could tell that he was on his way to leaving me alone about the whole thing. As long as I was going home, someone else would deal with me and he wouldn't have to worry about it.
"Fine," Fox said finally with a sigh. "Go home this weekend, see Mom and Dad. I'm sure they'll be happy to see you."
"Yes, Fox, I did say that was my plan," I replied.
He sighed. "Okay."
"I will see you in just a few short weeks."
Fox didn't say anything to that. I bet he was rolling his eyes at me.
"Alright, bye," he said.
"Goodbye."
My conversation with Fox had tired me out, but I was still so restless.
The more I thought about going home for the weekend, the worse the idea felt. Mom would instantly know something was wrong and I didn't want to worry her over something like this. I thought more on it and sent a text to my sister.
To: Raven
Would you be able to lend me a place to sleep this weekend?
From: Raven
???
i could
but why?
To: Raven
I would like to get away from school for the weekend, but would rather not go home.
From: Raven
ok sure
The thing with Raven was that I knew she wouldn't ask many questions, not now anyway. It could be a different story once I actually saw her, but she was my best, and only, option at that point.
On Friday afternoon, I packed my things for the weekend and headed out before James even got back from class. Or wherever he was. I tended not to keep tabs on him.
Raven lived relatively close to our parents. Her apartment was only across town, but the independence of living on her own kept her from seeing them for weeks at a time. I knew it pained our mother, but Raven was always fiercely independent.
I drove to the apartment in silence. I knew I wouldn't be able to focus on a book at the moment, and the radio bored me.
By the time I got to the apartment, it was just after four. Raven had a class until four forty-five, so I waited in my car until she got home.
She got home at about five, parking right next to me. She had a look on her face as she glanced at me through the car windows, and I knew that meant she and I were going to have a talk. I'd rather it be with her than with anyone else.
"You missed me so much even though you just saw me last weekend, that's it right?" she asked when we both got out of our cars.
We each grabbed our bags and met behind my car.
"Of course it is," I told her. "You are my favorite sibling after all."
Raven snorted and lightly shoved me. "Bullshit."
I followed Raven up to her apartment on the second floor. She let us into the apartment, telling me that the others weren't home yet. One of the roommates was apparently going to be out for the weekend at her boyfriend's.
Raven's apartment was a decent size. The door opened up into the small kitchen and dining area. The living room was in the center of the apartment with the bathroom behind it surrounded by the three bedrooms. Raven and the other girl each got their own rooms. The other two girls were dating so they shared, according to Raven's explanation as we settled in.
"You can sleep out here on the futon," Raven said, showing me the living room. "It's comfy"
They had a futon off to the side of the room and a small couch in front of the TV.
"Do you wanna order out for dinner?" she asked, sitting down on the couch and pulling out her phone. "I think we could both use some comfort food."
"Doesn't matter to me," I told her, setting my bag down beside the futon then sitting next to her on the couch.
"I think we should get those juicy, delicious, greasy burgers from that pizza place down the street from Mom and Dad's," she said. "I'm really craving one of those. And the fries."
"Sure. Whatever you want."
I wasn't really expecting Raven to want to hang out with me while I was here, figuring she had her own friends and plans for a Friday night. I knew she was just trying to get me comfortable so she could start questioning me. It made me rethink if this was a good idea or not, staying at her place for the weekend.
Raven ordered the food and scrolled through the many streaming services she and her roommates had (they didn't have cable). We made small talk and when the food arrived, she went out to get it.
It wasn't until we were both settled into the couch, a few bites into our meals, that she started questioning me.
"So what's going on?" she asked before taking a bite of an oversized french fry.
"Not a lot. Getting ready for finals," I replied. She shot me an irritated look, knowing I was only pretending to misunderstand her question.
"You know what I mean," she said, staring intently at me. "You've literally never asked to come stay with me, so you don't want to be at school, and you don't want to be at home. What gives?"
"Need a change of scenery. Cramming for finals really takes a lot out of me," I said. "And I figured we could spend some time together."
Raven clearly didn't believe a word coming out of my mouth. She was always so suspicious of everything. She stared at me with narrowed eyes for a moment before taking a bite out of her burger.
"Robin told me you and Fox got into it last weekend," Raven started. "I knew Fox was pissed at you so I knew something probably happened afterwards. I know you don't like fighting with him anymore."
I shrugged. "It's no big deal."
She narrowed her eyes again.
"You guys are fighting about Landon?" she asked, raising her eyebrows at me. She already knew the answer the that, she just wanted me to admit it.
Hearing his name from her locked up my jaw. I couldn't speak, couldn't eat. I wasn't prepared to talk to her about this. I wanted to forget about him this weekend, to forget about everything and hope that I could clear my mind enough to function when I went back to school on Monday.
"Wren," Raven called out, waving her hand in front of my face. "Wren!"
"Hm?"
"You literally just spaced out for like a full minute," she said. She had her food off to the side and she turned on the couch to fully face me. "Look, I know you love me but that's not why you're here, so let's talk, okay?"
"I..."
"I'll be honest with you," Raven started after I trailed off. "Fox texted me earlier, after you asked me to stay over, and told me you were coming home for the weekend and he wanted me to check on you. Something about your friends messaging him all worried about you?"
My breathing started getting heavier, my eyes stinging. I just wanted to forget all this and go back to normal. All I needed was to go back to normal and everything was getting in my way.
I put the heels of my hands into my eyes and let out a pained sound. I couldn't handle the sudden influx of emotions, the sadness, the frustration.
Raven moved closer to me, putting a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"Wren, breathe," she said.
I was breathing. I was breathing really hard, basically hyperventilating. This had never happened to me before. I had never been this overwhelmed with emotions.
"Calm down," she said, running a soothing hand over my back. "It's okay."
"I don't know what that was," I said in a tired voice after my breathing slowed.
"You keep things bottled up," Raven said. "So when things finally bubble over, they come out like that."
I nodded, taking in a deep breath.
"The thing with Landon," she started again after a moment. "Him coming to dinner, Fox being pissed, you wearing his sweatshirt to the game. You two are more than friends, aren't you?"
I laughed. It was a dull sound with no humor. "Not anymore."
It was no surprise to me that she had figured that out. My whole family probably had it figured out by now. I just let myself continue to live in the delusion that my sexuality and my relationship with Landon were still secrets.
"Why?" she asked.
"He dumped me."
"Because of Fox?"
"That's part of it, I'm sure," I said with a sigh. "He has this thing where he thinks he's not good enough for me." And there was the fact that thought I ruined him.
"And have you done anything to show him that he is good enough for you?" Rave asked, an expectant look on her face.
I glanced over at her and she shook her head.
"You need to be open with people if you expect them to want to be with you," she said. "If he's dumping you because of Fox that's one thing, but if he thinks he's not good enough for you it's because you haven't done enough to convince him otherwise."
"We were never meant to last," I told her. "I'll get over it."
"Do you want to be with him?"
I sighed. "Raven-"
"No, seriously, do you want to be with him?" she repeated.
"It doesn't matter."
"Yes, it does," she said, a serious expression on her face.
"Ideally, we would still be together."
"Then you have to fight for him, Wren," Raven replied. "Fox will come around once he realizes this is what you want, what's going to make you happy."
"I can't make him want me back, Raven," I said, my voice catching a bit.
"No, you can't," she said with a sad smile. "But if he broke up with you because he doesn't feel good enough, I would say he probably still wants you. He just doesn't feel deserving of you. You have to tell him that he is."
"He won't hear it," I told her.
She made it sound so simple. It was only because she didn't know the whole story, didn't know him. She didn't know the self-hatred he possessed and how deep it went. She didn't know that I ruined him.
Raven always had a way of getting things out of me like almost no one else could. She was a lot like her twin in that way.
She looked at me sadly then turned to grab her food.
"Let's eat all this greasy food and watch sappy movies," she said, dropping the conversation. At least for now.
That I could get behind.