Ice Cold - Chapter 38: Chapter 38

Landon Reilly
The team took a bus to Boston on Saturday morning so we could get a morning skate in before the game. I wasn't even sure if Coach was going to play me later after I fucked up so bad last weekend, though I was doing fine at practice. Hockey could work as a distraction, at least sometimes. There were times my thoughts burdened me so badly that nothing could distract me.
Rojas was sitting next me on the bus. We were almost to the rink when he tapped me on the shoulder, causing me to take my earbuds out.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"You good to play later?" he asked, looking at me like he was trying to see if there was anything wrong with me.
"Yeah, why?"
"Last weekend you told me you weren't and I ignored you and you almost got hurt," he said, looking guilty.
I shrugged. "I'm fine."
Physically, I was. Emotionally and mentally, I wasn't.
Therapy this week kept me from completely spiraling, but my heart and head still ached over Wren. Seeing him the other day made it worse.
"I should've known better," Rojas continued. "I mean, you didn't look good, you said you weren't good. I should've listened."
"It's fine," I told him. It wasn't his fault I couldn't deal with my own shit.
Rojas still looked guilty. I didn't know what he wanted from me, whether he wanted me to be angry or to assuage his guilt. I could do neither.
"So I promise to listen if you ever say something like that again," he said.
"It's all good," I replied, turning away to look out the window.
I didn't want to talk to him, or anyone for that matter. The only person I could stand to be around lately was Jess, and it wasn't like I could pack her up in my things and take her to Boston with me, even if she offered.
I felt oddly guilty about the way I left things with Wren, even if it hurt me more than it was going to hurt him. The look on his face when I told him we were over was one I'd never seen on him before. He looked so lost like I was leaving him stranded in the middle of nowhere. I couldn't keep looking at him like that if I wanted my chance to walk away.
Even days later, that image was projected in my brain. I couldn't move on from it, and that left me in a sour mood. If I could have backed out of this trip to Boston, I would have. I couldn't barely stand to be around my team. I was lucky most of them didn't bother with me anyway.
of me wanted to text Wren like I usually did when I was away, but I knew I couldn't. That made me miss him in a whole different way. I couldn't have him in any capacity, even just as someone to talk to when I was away and lonely. He probably wanted nothing to do with me now. The thought made me feel like there was a pit in my stomach.
The whole thing with Wren let me block out the fact that I was going to play against Elijah later on today, that I would have to face him, that there was potential that I would have to see Fox again. Those things seemed to pale in comparison to what else burdened my mind.
I went through the motions for the morning skate. Nobody bothered with me like usual, but I could feel Rojas's stare. He just felt guilty and didn't want a repeat of last week. He was right to be worried about that. I had no idea how I'd react to playing against Elijah.
After our morning practice, I showered and got changed before heading out to the bus that was going to bring us to our hotel. What I didn't expect was for Elijah to walk up to me with a big grin on his face like he was happy to see me.
"Landon! I was hoping I'd run into you here," he said, patting me on the shoulder.
The shock must have been showing on my face because Elijah let out a chuckle and pulled his hand away from me.
"I've been wanting to talk to you since I ran into you and Wren last week," Elijah said, his tone more serious but still friendly.
"You have?" I asked in disbelief. It was still so surprising to me that Elijah even wanted to look at me let alone speak to me.
He nodded. "Yeah, I was hoping you'd come by later. I kinda peeped your schedule and saw that you're playing Harvard tomorrow, so you're staying in the city tonight right?"
"Yeah, we are," I replied. "But I don't know if that's such a good idea."
Not only was hanging around with Elijah going to exacerbate my guilt and make me want to puke my guts out, but his boyfriend would want to murder me even more than he already did if he found out about it. No matter how much I wanted to truly make amends with Elijah, I still didn't know how. It still hurt too much to think about him and all the pain I caused him, which wasn't really fair. He was the one that was caused pain, but it was me who couldn't get my shit together.
"Please," Elijah said. "I really just want to talk and I promise I told Fox to stay away."
I felt like I couldn't say no to him. I'd probably do anything he asked just to rid myself of the painstaking guilt I felt.
"Okay," I relented.
"Awesome!" he said, genuinely looking excited. "I'll meet up with you here after the game. Good luck tonight!"
And with that, Elijah walked away and into the rink. Rojas was already walking toward me when Elijah was still out here.
"Who was that?" Rojas asked when he reached me.
"An old hockey teammate," I answered. The two of us walked onto the bus together and he, of course, sat beside me.
"You're rooming with me by the way," Rojas told me as the bus pulled away from the rink.
I just nodded at him, trying not to show my annoyance.
Rojas was the only person on this team that paid me any attention, so instead of being able to ignore whoever I was rooming with, he'd be there trying to make conversation with me when all I wanted to do was wallow in self-pity over my failed relationship.
When we got to the hotel and got our room assignments, Rojas and I made our way to the room. As soon as we entered, I put my stuff down near the entry and went over to the bed to pull up the sheets and check the seams.
"What are you doing?" Rojas asked, throwing his bags down on a chair in the corner of the room.
"Checking for bugs," I muttered.
Wren would want me to check for bugs. He thought of the little things like that.
"Oh, I've never thought to do that," Rojas said as he walked over to the other bed and copied what I was doing.
"I'm going over my old teammate's place tonight," I told Rojas after a moment. "You can take my stuff back to the room right?"
He nodded. "Sure can."
"Thanks."
I did my best to avoid Rojas after that. I got changed into some comfortable clothes and lounged in bed with my earbuds in for a while until we had to go downstairs for lunch. Soon after that we had to go back to the rink for the game.
Surprisingly, Coach made no changes to the lines from the previous week. There was no telling how much he'd actually play my line though.
I avoided looking at the other side of the ice during warmups. Although I didn't think I would freeze up against Elijah like I did against Fox, I didn't want to be affected by him. Elijah was a defenseman, so if we were on the ice together, he'd be covering me.
When the game finally started, Coach put my line out there first. I surprisingly played well, not letting Elijah's presence distract me. His team, however, was playing great. They were one of the best teams in the league. We didn't come here expecting to win, but we put up a decent fight.
What really made them good was their defense. Their goalie was nearly impossible to get a puck past and Elijah and the rest of the defense were relentless on the ice, blocking shots and intercepting passes.
I had turned the puck over a few times, but so had the rest of my team. It only started to bother me when I saw Cooper and his friends looking at me and whispering. The absolute last thing I wanted to deal with was that tool.
We were back in the locker room after losing 3-1 when Cooper came up to me. The coaches and Rojas had already said their pieces. Everyone was showering and getting dressed. I had just showered and got into my street clothes when Cooper came over and bumped into me, nearly sending me on the floor.
"What the fuck is your problem?" I snapped, turning to face him.
I was still working on my anger, but my emotions were running high. It wasn't that easy to put a cap on my anger when I was already so emotional about other things. This was what my therapist, and Wren, meant when they said anger was a secondary emotion. It was fueled by other emotions, a way to release or express something else.
Cooper looked so smug when I turned to him. He didn't look the least bit guilty like he told me he was back when we roomed together last. People like him didn't really know what guilt was. He didn't like that his actions made him feel uncomfortable, but he didn't have actual remorse for what he'd done. And there was no doubt in my mind that he continued to let his friends believe that I was the one who had made a move on him, just to make himself seem better than he was.
"You're playing like shit, that's my problem," Cooper said, the smug smile still on his face. His friends were looking on, all with grins.
"I don't see you out there scoring goals," I said, my hands in fists at my sides. I was not going to hit him. I couldn't hit him. But I wanted to so badly.
Cooper brushed that comment off. I knew this whole show wasn't about how I was playing. It was all to make him look cool and tough in front of his friends because they thought I had some sort of crush on him.
"I think maybe all the men out there for you to gawk at is too distracting," Cooper said, which caught the attention of the people around us.
My sexuality wasn't a secret. Most, if not all, of the guys on the team knew about it. These were guys I had played against in the past, guys who I played with in summer leagues, guys who knew other guys I played with. And those who I had no prior connection with heard it from others. Word got around.
It wasn't the fact that he brought up my sexuality that made me angry, it was the fact that he was trying to use it to embarrass me, to imply that I gawked at every man in this locker room, every man on the ice.
And maybe if I cared more about being pleasant, if I wasn't already so fucking sad and frustrated with my life, I would've been able to let it go.
"I think that might be the problem you're having, not me," I spat, looking him dead in the eyes. "Considering you fucking kiss-"
I couldn't even finish my sentence before Cooper was on me. He punched me in the cheek, right under my eye and then kept going at me. He knocked me down and sat on top of me while I shielded my face with my hands.
I was seeing red. I couldn't even feel the pain with how angry I was. With all the strength I had, I grabbed onto Cooper and threw him off of me, causing him to slam into the lockers beside us. Before either of us could get up, we were being pulled off the floor and held away from each other.
Rojas had a hold on Cooper, dragging him away presumably to one of our coaches. It was Shea who had me, but he let go as soon as Cooper was out of the room.
"You good man?" Shea asked, walking in front of me to look at my face.
"I'm fine," I said. "I gotta go."
"You should really go get that cleaned up," Shea said.
I sighed, knowing he was right. I shouldn't really go to Elijah's with blood dripping down my face. I went to one of the trainers who cleaned my wound before I left to where Elijah was waiting for me.
"Are you okay?" Elijah asked upon seeing me. "Did you get hit during the game?"
"It's nothing. I'm good," I told him, though he clearly didn't believe me. I was still trying to calm my breathing because of the whole ordeal.
Elijah didn't press the issue and instead started directing me toward his dorm. He made small talk the whole way there to which I just hummed and nodded along. He seemed a lot happier now than he had last year, and that made me feel a little bit better. At least he was doing well now, even if I caused him pain in the past.
"So, as you know, I wanted to talk," Elijah said once we were behind closed doors and settled in his room. He sat up on his bed while I sat on a chair near his desk.
"Yeah," I said, willing him to go on. I didn't know why but I was nervous about what he was going to say.
"Well, first of all, let me get it off my chest that Fox told me about what happened last weekend," Elijah started. "His version at least. That's not really what this is about though. I've just been wanting to talk. I think the two of us need to clear the air."
"Clear the air?" I asked. I braced myself for what he was going to say next, trying to be prepared for whatever words he had for me even if they made me feel even worse about myself.
Elijah nodded. "I'm not sure I ever told you that I forgive you."
My eyes widened. "What?"
Elijah didn't have a chance to respond before there was a loud knock on the door. He rolled his eyes like he knew exactly who was on the other side.
"Elijah!" Fox's voice came through the door. "Open up!"
"Go away!" Elijah shouted back. "For real! I told you not to bother us!"
Fox knocked on the door again, jiggling the handle.
"I'm not going to go away so you might as well just open the door," Fox responded, causing Elijah to roll his eyes again.
"He can be so annoying sometimes," Elijah said to me. "Though I'm sure you know all about annoying Ridleys."
"I can hear you!" Fox shouted.
"Quiet down! I'm coming," Elijah said, hopping down from his bed and moving toward the door.
My heart started beating rapidly. I wasn't ready to see Fox again or have him in my face again. And I wasn't sure there was much Elijah could do about it once he opened the door.
Elijah opened the door to reveal Fox leaning against the door frame, looking at him with an annoyed expression.
"You are a nuisance, you know that?" Elijah said to him.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm aware," Fox replied, moving past him to come in the room. He looked over at me, his expression staying the same, before dragging over a chair from the other side of the room and sitting down.
"Fox," Elijah whined, shutting the door and moving toward him.
"You know how I feel," Fox grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.
"You know how I feel!" Elijah responded.
I felt like I shouldn't be there. Not with the two of them arguing. Fox seemed to be doing all he could to ignore my presence anyway.
"I can go," I said, starting to get up.
"No," the two of them said at the same time.
Confused, I lowered myself back down onto the chair.
"Landon and I are going to talk and you," Elijah started, pointing down at Fox from where he stood, "are going to keep quiet."
I didn't want to talk with Fox there. It would ruin any chance I had to be completely open with Elijah. I didn't want Fox seeing me any more vulnerable than he already had.
Elijah sat back down where he was and faced me.
"As I was saying before we were rudely interrupted," he started. "Landon, I forgive you."
I was silent for a moment, not able to make sense of this.
"But how...?" I asked, causing Fox to let out a snort. Elijah shot him a glare before responding.
"Micah explained some things to be about your situation," he said. "Not in a lot of detail, just stuff that helped me understand you better. The things you did to me are not excusable by any means. They caused a lot of harm, but I know you had a lot going on. At least I could go to my dad's and be okay. I know you didn't have that option."
I didn't like the thought of Micah telling Elijah things about me, but I could understand why he did it. He wanted Elijah's forgiveness for me. He knew how much the guilt burdened me and he wanted to take that burden away.
"I thought I'd never be able to forgive you," Elijah continued. "But looking back on everything, I feel so guilty sometimes."
"Guilty?" I said, shocked. "What the hell do you have to feel guilty for?"
"We were friends," he said. "Me, you, Micah. If Micah and I had just paid a little more attention, if we just noticed something was going on with you at home, maybe we could have helped you sooner."
"Elijah," I said, my jaw clenched and fists by my sides. "We really don't need to talk about this. Please."
He looked at me with a sad smile and I felt like I had to puke. I couldn't help but wonder just how much Elijah knew about my home life or how much Fox knew. I hated not knowing and I hated that the two of them knew this much about me. It made me feel so stupid.
"We don't have to," Elijah assured me. "I just wanted to tell you that. And that I want you to be happy."
I let out a deep breath and clenched my eyes shut for a moment.
"And also, you know, you and Wren kinda make sense," Elijah continued, causing Fox to let out a scoff. "Like I can so see you guys being a couple."
"We're not a couple," I said.
Elijah looked confused. "You're not? That was the vibes I was getting from seeing you two together. And from what Fox told me about last weekend."
"We were kinda, I think. But not anymore."
"Wait a fucking minute," Fox interjected, grabbing my attention and turning in his seat to face me. "Did you two fucking break up?"
"We weren't really serious," I told them. "That's what he told you, right?" I asked Elijah.
"Oh, he didn't mean that," Elijah replied. "I could tell as soon as he said it he was lying."
"Wait," Fox interjected again. "You're telling me Wren's acting all mopey and depressed because he's fucking heartbroken?"
"He's what?" I asked, my eyes widening.
"His friends were messaging me all worried about him," Fox said, looking at me briefly. He seemed to be a lot calmer than he was last weekend, but still wanted to make it clear he didn't like me. "Saying he was having some sort of mental breakdown."
"Mental breakdown?"
"Yes, dipshit, keep up," Fox snapped. "I thought I told you not to hurt him? Now a week later he's all depressed and shit?"
"Fox, be nice," Elijah chastised.
I had no idea what to think of this. The Wren I knew didn't let his emotions show. There was no way he could be heartbroken over me the way I was over him.
"You need to get back to Providence and figure shit out with him," Fox said, pointing at me.
"I thought you didn't even want us together," I replied. This whole situation was a giant mess.
"Look, I don't like you and I won't pretend that I do," Fox started. "But I'm honestly sick of fighting with my boyfriend about you! And if Wren's genuinely serious about you to the point of him being so not himself without you, then you need to go make shit right with him. And I do too probably."
If I thought I could focus on hockey for the next day, I'd be wrong. There was nothing I could think about other than Wren.