Je T'aime. - Chapter 15: Chapter 15

Night fell over Vienna, just like it did every evening. But this night it seemed different. With my clarity of an expressed heart and mind, the moon seemed to shimmer brighter and the stars seemed to twinkle with more furosity. Maybe it was me, but the whole world seemed a little crisper. The arrival of autumn silenced the crickets of night, and frost began to form along the edge of the window panes. The era of Schönbrunn was over- Hofburg was beckoning us with its thick brick walls and numerous fireplaces. The Snow Queen, with her icy smile, teased the world with midnights that left the grass sparkling with frost.
I threw another blanket on top of my bed. I was sleeping in my banyan tonight; I couldn't stand to sleep in just a chemise and stockings another night. I tucked myself into bed, and slyly pulled out the book of Sappho. By candlelight, I opened to the first poem of the book.
There was a knock on my door. I jumped, and shoved the book under my pillow. "Come in, Pia!"
Pia entered, holding a brass bedpan full of hot embers. "Here, that chill is quite strong tonight. The Hofburg is calling our names," she lifted my blankets and placed the bedpan beside me. It slowly spread heat under the blankets, making my previously cold bed warm and cozy. "Hofburg's servant's quarters are not as nice as the ones here, but it shall do for the winter."
I looked past my handmaiden and out into the night. "It's such a pretty night," I commented. "I think I need to learn more astronomy."
Pia looked behind her. "Rather pretty, yes. The stars always shone so brightly back home. Like little lanterns, floating all around. That's what my father used to call them."
I rolled over in bed onto my left side, folding my arms under my head to serve as an organic pillow. "Do you think your brother married that girl?"
"I'd like to think so, yes," Pia replied. "But I can't know for sure until his letter arrives. It's a long distance for letters, unlike yours, which come from just up the hall."
"Isabella's letters?"
Pia nodded. "At first Albert delivered them to me, but now her lady hands them directly to me. Many, many letters."
Suddenly the realization struck me. "Hand me paper and a pen, please," Pia did so. I scribbled onto the page:
Isabella-
Meet me in the ballroom as the clock strikes midnight. I have to tell you something.
Christina
I gave the letter to Pia. "Deliver this to Eleanore, Isabella's lady. Tell her it is for the Crown Princess, and the Crown Princess only."
"Yes, Madame," Pia said with a curtsy before scurrying out of my chamber. She always acted extra formal when she was nervous, which made me chuckle a little. After a few moments, Pia returned with a reply. I broke the blue wax seal.
Christina,
I will be there. I anxiously await midnight. Thank you for choosing me to retain your knowledge.
Isabella
I took a sigh of relief as I read Isabella's affirmative message. Pia glanced at me, concern written across her face. "Oh, Pia," I said, tenderly laying the note across my heart. "Isabella is such a good friend. She is helping me with marriage affairs." That was a lie. But what else was I going to tell her?
I sat alone in the dark of the ballroom. The only thing that lit the way was the moon, coming through the windows in silvery beams that just barely gave enough light to see. I had pulled a chair into one of these beams so that Isabella could see me. The candle I had used to guide me down here had long since been blown out. Quietly, wrapped in my banyan, I waited in the dark.
The clock struck midnight. The chimes of the clock echoed throughout the night, bouncing off of the chandeliers and golden walls of the ballroom. As the third strike of the hour rang out, Isabella emerged from the darkness of the hallway. God, she was beautiful. In lunar glow, she shimmered. She wore a banyan of white, decorated with a floral pattern of shades of pink. A pink ribbon tied it closed around her natural waist. Her hair was hastily braided, loose hairs framing her face. "Christina?" she called out, stepping into the ballroom cautiously.
I stood from my chair, shoving down my desire to run towards her. I began to walk, and we met in the middle of the ballroom under the chandelier. The stars reflected in Isabella's eyes, making a galaxy all of their own in the hickory brown of her irises. Isabella placed her hands in mine. "Isabella, I need to tell you something."
Isabella looked up at me expectantly. "Anything."
I swallowed my nerves. "Isabella, ever since you arrived here, you have never left my mind. I think of you incessantly. You're one of the most incredible people I've ever met in my entire life. I am in love with you, madly. Maybe even more than Joseph is. I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, and I we could just stay friends, but I-"
"Christina!" Isabella said, stopping my ramblings. "You think I didn't know? It's been obvious, dear! I thought you'd never say it! I was just trying to build up the courage to tell you the same thing!"
Somehow, my brain stopped working at that moment. "...what?"
Isabella smiled gently, calming herself from her giddiness. She gave my hands a squeeze.
"I love you too."
"I'm not dreaming, am I?" I questioned. "You really just said that?"
"I did."
"Oh, thank God!" I pulled Isabella into a hug, rose and sandalwood blessing my nostrils once again. Isabella giggled softly as I wrapped my arms around her waist. She kissed me gently on the cheek.
As we stood in the ballroom, Isabella said to me, "It's the middle of the night. Nobody's around. We practically have the whole palace to ourselves. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"What are you thinking?"
"Something I used to do with my cousins at Versailles," Isabella kicked off her shoes. She grabbed my arm, and we ran out of the ballroom, leaving our shoes behind. Our banyans flowing behind us, we ran through the darkened hallway in our stockings. Suddenly, Isabella stopped, and I followed her lead. We glided on the tile floor, before friction brought us to a stop.
I let out a joyful squeal as we slid on the floor, with locked arms so as to not fall. "Oh, that's fun! How have I not thought of this before?"
Isabella grinned. "It's even better when you put a little dance into it," Carefreely, Isabella twirled around me to some imaginary music. She had left her stiff dancing lessons behind, and moved with the will of her feet. Her clothes swished against my calves, and her laughter echoed around the empty hall. From the staircase just behind me, my grandfather looked over me with the same noble gaze that I had seen all of my life. But in the darkness, I thought I saw the corner of his lips turn up ever-so slightly in a small smile.
Like a carefree nymph, Isabella danced around me. Giggling, I followed her movements, dancing and spinning with her. We slid on the floor, still gleaming with the silvery light of the full moon. This very hall was where the palace's grandest guests met the Holy Roman Empress. My long-dead ancestors cast out steady gazes, frozen in their poses, their bodies laden with the jewels of great nations. My Habsburg forbearers, dedicated to their house and to their power, watched me dance with a Bourbon princess, in their time a sworn enemy.
Isabella stopped twirling to meet my gaze. "We should have another ball," She commented. We locked arms again and began to stroll down the hall eastward. "Mr. Mozart can play his sweet, sweet music again."
"We just had a ball," I replied teasingly.
"If I could, I'd host one every night. Dancing until our feet hurt. Wouldn't that be nice?" Isabella asked.
"Maybe we can convince Joseph to host one for his birthday. It's in March, that's not too far off."
"Oh, but it is!" Isabella said with a childish groan, which quickly faded into a smile. We passed the grand dining room, the tables bare and cold. The room was a ghost of what it was on that fateful day when Isabella and Joseph were married. Isabella glanced over to it with some kind of reverence. "We sat next to each other for the first time in that room."
"We did," I replied, subtly brushing my shoulder against Isabella's. "But it looks rather cold now."
"Oh, this whole goddamn palace is cold!" Isabella exclaimed.
"I hate to inform you that Hofburg is not much better. Very drafty."
"Great," Isabella stated sarcastically. "I'd presume you'd sweat like a sinner in church in Madrid."
"Oh, most certainly," I replied. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the easily overlooked door of my secret little library, where I had first wept over my love for a woman. "Here," I said to her, pulling her towards the door. "I want to show you something."
I opened the little door, tugging Isabella inside before quickly shutting it again. We were plunged into darkness, a patterned silver square on the ground where light poured through the window. My grandmother's bust still stood there steadfastly. Maybe it was just my imagination, but I could have sworn that I smelled brandy.
"Wow," came from Isabella, breathy and light with amazement. I lit a few candles, clashing the silver with the glow of amber. She glanced around the tiny library, soon becoming immersed within the shelves. "How'd you know about this little place? It's gorgeous."
"I just happened to stumble upon it one day a few years ago, and I always come here when I need to feel a little peace," I said, watching Isabella closely examine the spine of each book, squinting to see in the dim light.
Isabella smiled slightly. "How sweet," She kept scanning the shelves, half-distracted from me. "Look at all of this. The Divine Comedy, Don Quixote, and so much Shakespeare!" She read off the names of each book as she ran her fingers along the spines. "Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet, A Midsummer Night's Dream! Wonderful, wonderful."
I glanced over Isabella's shoulder, watching the focus in her eyes as she digested each piece of literature before her, both fiction and nonfiction. "I think if you try to read all of these titles, we'd be here until morning."
Isabella glanced over her shoulder to me with sparkling eyes and a bright smile. "I wouldn't complain much if I stayed in here forever," she sighed, brushing the dust from her hands. "I was a lonesome child in my early teenage years. I know quite well how to entertain myself with books alone." She looked to me again, but her smile was tainted with hinges of sadness.
Her entire spirit was fringed with sadness. God, it hurt to see her like that. Who had hurt her so? She was such a lovely thing. Why would anyone try to harm her? I wanted to hear more, but I figured she would tell me when she was ready. I watched Isabella look over the collection of French books. As she looked down upon her maternal language, she smiled. A piece of hair escaped from her braid and fell into her face. Without a second thought, I reached forward and brushed the rogue strand of hair behind Isabella's ear.
Isabella looked back up to me, slowly standing as a smile crossed her face again. She was so beautiful. This love- it burned deep within my chest. Damn you, Eros! Why must you strike me with your arrow like this? "Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?" I whispered to her.
Isabella's cheeks took on a rosy hue as she smiled at the floor. "No-one who seemed genuine," Isabella replied. "A Princess always gets compliments, but most of them are empty. But yours, I know, are real."
Isabella turned to face me. She placed the book in her hand down. With a soft smile, she threw her arms over my shoulders, pressing my back carefully against the bookshelf behind me. Isabella's head cocked slightly to the side with curiosity. Almost as if they had minds of their own, my hands travelled to land on her waist. It was a strange feeling, having my hands on her waist. Every time I had touched her before, she had a stiff, unnatural waist held by a pair of stays and layers of fabric. But now, alone in the library, the only thing that separated her skin from mine was her banyan and chemise, both loose-fitting. Her natural waist, I came to find out, felt much kinder than the torso of the age's greatest ladies.
The harsh edge of the bookshelf dug into the skin of my back. But somehow, I couldn't seem to care. Isabella leaned forward now, pressing some of her body weight onto me. She seemed to take joy from being in my arms like this. To make up for our few-inch height difference, Isabella stood slightly on her tip-toes. Briefly, she kissed me softly. It wasn't like Albert's kiss; there was some hesitation to it. She lingered there for a moment, her exhale feathering across my face. She smiled, giggling with bashfulness as she hugged me, hiding her face into my shoulder. With both arms, I held her, gazing out at the moon through the window. I pressed a kiss to her temple and brushed another strand of hair out of her face.
"Isabella," I whispered. "You're married."
"I'm your brother's wife, not his lover. I find you much more interesting anyways."
"Is that so?" I asked with a playful tease.
"I've thought so ever since I arrived here."
God, she was so lovely. There was nothing more that I would like to do than to stay in this little library with her, my back pressed against the bookshelves, my skin streaked with lunar silver. But dawn would soon come, and Helios's chariot would soon soar across the sky, filling the atmosphere with gold. When dawn came, Joseph would wake, and I couldn't have him wake up without his wife beside him. Father Lachner, Mama, and Joseph would all have my head if they knew that I loved Isabella so. Joseph had every right to be upset, of course, but Mama and Father Lachner considered this Sapphic romance a sin. But Isabella was the forbidden apple in the Garden of Eden, and I just couldn't say no.
Eros's arrow has pierced my chest, sending me the endless pit of affection. Love, I came to know, was like a great beast. When my father wanted more exciting hunting, he would have a boar or a wolf imported from some far-off land where these creatures still lingered. They roamed the royal hunting grounds on their own accord, and sometimes they would be lost within the foliage. But my father would always say, "If you feed the beast, if you tease the beast, trust me, it will come back." And with a pile of table scraps, the beasts would return, only for their brains to be lodged with a musket ball, a dagger buried into their ribs, blood soaking into the tough hairs of their hide.
I was brought back to reality by Isabella's voice, which was a barely audible whisper, muffled against my shoulder. "I could just stay here forever," she said, the gentle warmth of her body across my skin.
"So could I," I replied. "But all good things have to come to an end. Whenever we meet again, and can find privacy, I'll hold you just like this. I'll hold you until the world caves in."
Isabella smiled. "I'd like that. Very much. I haven't been really held since my Mama died."
"She's looking down on you, I promise. And she's so proud of the woman you've become in such a short amount of time. I'm sure she couldn't ask for a better daughter."
"You think so?"
"I know so."
"I should write my father a letter," Isabella suggested. "If I can even remember how to write in Spanish. Eleanore and I speak it in private, but I haven't written in it in quite a long time."
"Well, maybe it'll be good to brush up. I don't speak Spanish one bit. Maybe you can teach me a few things."
"I'd say that you could teach me a little English, but I don't think that speaking the language of the enemy would go over well at court."
"Most likely not. Luckily, the Prussians speak German, too."
Isabella rolled her eyes. "Oh, the Prussians. The Prussians, the army of the Prussians, King Frederick of the Prussians. That's all Joseph talks about. The goddamn Prussians."
"The mind of a Crown Prince clutters at times of war. Some nations have princes that couldn't give a damn. We're lucky to have one who pays attention to the needs of his country, and the Empire he is to inherit."
"God bless him. He's a good man, and I know he loves me. I want to love him desperately, but I can't seem to bring myself to care for him with the same affections that I have for you, Christina. He's lovely, but my heart can't seem to flutter around him the way it does around you. All I can do is serve my wifely duties to him, and hope for the best."
"For centuries, that has been the fate of royal brides. But for as long as I can stay in Vienna, you'll have me."
"I'm glad."
I glanced out of the window again. Just beyond, hiding within the branches of the garden's trees, was a paleness that meant the soon rising of the sun. Like the sand in an hourglass, time had run out. "Come on, Isabella," I said. Isabella lifted her head from my shoulder. "Let's get you back to Joseph before he wakes up."
We exited the library, Isabella tucking books she wished to read under her banyan. I gently closed the door behind me, and we began to walk the slowly illuminating hall. As we climbed the stairs, my grandfather looked over me again. I wished I could have met him.
We finally arrived at Isabella and Joseph's apartments. Isabella turned to me before she went inside. "What do I tell him if he realized I was missing?"
"Oh, just tell him we were out trying to chase down Wilhelmina's dog or something. He'll buy that."
Isabella laughed. "Very well. I'll see you soon, Christina. Adieu."
"Farewell." Isabella's smile graced me as the door shut. I let out a heavy sigh before rushing back up to my apartments, hoping to beat the clock and Pia, which was nearly impossible. As I rushed through the hall, a brief gush of air reached my nostrils. My bayan had a slight fragrance of rose and sandalwood. I beamed. My darling Isabella. She was in love with me as much as I was in love with her.
The sun was beginning to rise over Vienna now. I would hear the footsteps of a waking palace through the walls. I barely got any sleep that night, but somehow my body didn't contain an ounce of weariness. In fact, I was so overjoyed that I could have done a little jig right there and then. I was floating on clouds. I was dancing on air. The Princess of Parma was mine to love. No longer would my mind be clogged with doubt about her love. This love was a sin, I knew. But how could such a sin feel like soaring like a bird? How could it feel like the light softness of a cloud, the wind in my face, the crisp blue of the sky enveloping me like an old friend? Is this what it felt to be victorious? Is this how the greatest generals in the world felt when their flag came out on top? Is this how it felt when an explorer landed on a rich tropical island after months at sea? Is this how a king feels when the crown is placed upon his head? Is this how a simple girl feels when she falls in love?
Isabella! Oh, what a beautiful word. It rolled off the tongue like no other. A most beautiful word to match such a beautiful young woman. How I adored her. She, the granddaughter of two great kings, and I, the daughter of the Empress, the most powerful woman in the world. And here we were, together, in a slowly freezing summer palace. She was married to my brother, and would someday be the greatest queen consort, known the world over. And I was secretly engaged to a minor Saxon prince. But I didn't care. She deserved all of the grander titles, anyways. The people adored her, including a seamstress's daughter, who had since passed away.
Fireworks cracked over the sky for this girl, sending barrels of gunpowder into the sky that could have been sent to our troops on the front, marching to defeat the Prussians and their allies. In coats of white with banners flying, our countrymen died while we dined on roasted goose and exotic fruit. While I slept on my soft, blanket-covered bed, the army slept all together in tiny tents, or on the cold, cold ground. Isabella and I were only allowed to dress in fine silks and laces because of our parentage. Other women followed the armies on their marches, dozens of miles long, treating the sick and the wounded. And here we were drinking tea and enjoying sweets, dancing in a grand hallway in the middle of the night.
The world wasn't perfect. But we were here, and we were alive. I was going to enjoy the world, no matter how easy my life seemed. Every person, rich or poor, royal or subject, had their own turmoil and struggles. And I was going to enjoy my Isabella.
I flopped down onto my bed, my heart still racing with ecstasy. I buried my face in my pillow and squealed, which soon faded into laughter. Muffled into the down-feather pillow, my voice cried out, "Thank you, Sappho!"