Je T'aime. - Chapter 18: Chapter 18

I glanced up from my painting, illuminated by candlelight, as orange and pink streaked across the horizon. "Oh, God, was I up all night?" I went to rub my eyes, but I stopped myself. My hands were covered in paint. Shades of peach, brown, and pink were all over my hands. A bright streak of blue from Isabella's gown covered my palm. There was even a few spots of red across my fingers. I had painted a miniature of Joseph on the painted Isabella's bracelet. You know, to keep it cool.
I blew out the candles that surrounded me and let the sunlight take over. I plucked a hand-fan off of my dressing table and began to fan my work, hoping it would dry the paint a little faster. Oil paints always took forever to dry. Though I was frustrated with myself, the painting itself looked great. Carefully, I signed my name in the lower left corner. I took the painting and propped it up near the window where it could have time to dry. Within a few days, I could varnish it.
I went to my wash basin in the dressing closet and began to try and scrub the paint from my hands. Once it was all off, I could finally rub my eyes. I didn't notice how tired I was until I finally pulled out of my painter's trance. Coffee. Coffee. I needed coffee. Otherwise, I would collapse right back into bed. I threw on a loose gown and yawned. Where was Pia when you needed her? Suddenly, there was a knock at the hallway door. Puzzled, I opened the door between my bedchamber and the sitting room. "Come in, Pia!" I said, although I wasn't sure why Pia would come in through the hallway when she had a service entrance.
"I'm not Pia, unfortunately," said the voice, which I immediately recognized. "But I did bring some coffee!"
"Coffee?" I replied, swinging open the door with a wide grin, revealing Prince Albert of Saxony carrying a tea-tray. "You have my full attention."
Albert and I sat at the chairs surrounding the table. Albert poured steaming mugs for himself and I and handed one to me. "So," I began, plucking a pastry and a few pieces of fresh fruit from the tray. "What's on your mind so early in the morning?" I was without sunlight in the sitting room, but the sun must have been thoroughly risen by now.
Albert stirred his drink, the spoon clinking against the fine porcelain. "Though I do enjoy seeing you at daybreak, I'm afraid my news is not as joyful," He paused and shoved a strawberry into his mouth, thinking carefully as he chewed. "The war rages, Christina, as you are well aware. And if King Frederick continues his practices, I may have to go and fight for Saxony."
My heart sunk. "What? You can't."
"Frederick keeps targeting Dresden. He took it three years ago at the start of the war, and this summer he shelled my people. I can't let this stand anymore, Christina. Dresden is my home and the Saxons are my people. I will see that Frederick and his armies are driven far, far away from Saxony. I'm tired of waiting for your mother to take action. I'm going to go," Albert sighed. "It's my duty."
"What do you know about war, Albert? You could get killed."
"My father made sure I had a proper military education. I will not be a cowardly man. A prince is not cowardly. I will command a regiment of good Saxon men, and I will guide them to drive those Prussians back. I only hope that God will guide me. And if I die, I die for Saxony, and I am content with that."
My heart racing, I glanced down at the fruit that was laid across my plate. I picked up a cherry. It was a little softer than expected. The cherry burst between my fingers, oozing out a few drops of deep burgundy juice. With this talk of war and bloodshed, I was disgusted, and I dropped the cherry back onto the place. Though I knew it was a bit irrational, all I could think of was Albert marching off to war and never returning home. Though princes were officers and were not usually the target, a stray musket-ball did not know whose flesh it had landed in, prince or pauper. I sighed, but I couldn't bring myself to look up at him. I could only sit there and watch the steam rise off of my coffee cup. "I don't think I could live with myself if you were killed out there."
"Then I would die for Saxony, and the Empire in which I serve. That would be a dignified end for me. Besides, this is a way to get on your father's good side."
"You can't marry me if you're dead, Albert!" I finally said. "I don't know what I would do if you got yourself killed. I would marry Benedetto, I suppose, but I think I'd rather get shot myself," I crossed my arms across my chest and fell back in my chair. "I am marrying no-one but you."
Albert finally looked up with wide eyes of understanding. "I'm sorry. You care about me, don't you?" I nodded. Albert smiled down sheepishly at his plate. "That's refreshing. But I do hope that you understand. Dresden is my home, and I feel like a coward just sitting around. But I promise, I'll do all that I can to come back to you," Albert pushed the plates aside and held out his hands. I placed my hands in his. "I promise. That's my goal. To drive back the enemy, and to come home to you alive."
Somehow, the warmth and gentle compression of Albert's hands around mine were comforting. It was hard to believe that soon enough, he would be gone from me. "When would you leave?" I asked.
"I wrote a letter to my father's advisors, and they said I would most likely be the captain of an infantry battalion, as that is what is needed now, but of course, that could change. But the timing they have set up my departure for early January."
January. It was already mid-November. "Well, at least you'll spend Christmas with us."
"I've never been in Vienna for Christmas. I'd love to see it."
"Oh, it's fabulous. You and Isabella can have your first Hofburg Christmas together."
"I think the Crown Princess and I have a lot in common, don't you think?"
I thought about Albert and Isabella, who confusingly both owned my affections. But it was a different kind of love. Isabella's love was magic, floating, and ethereal, while Albert's was warm, yet realistic and rugged. "I do, and I find great company in you both," Albert smiled sweetly at my statement. "But I think I know what this whole Dresden thing is about," I said.
Albert replied, "What's that?"
"Your mother."
Albert's expression dropped, and he chewed on the inside of his cheek. "You know me too well, Archduchess," He said as he nervously twisted a thread between his fingers.
"You never had this kind of loyalty to Saxony before. You never carried such hatred for the Prussians before, but they-"
"They killed my mother. They invaded her city, they locked her up in her own home, they surrounded her with angry, armed guards, and they prohibited her from having contact with her own children. And those goddamned Prussians tortured her until she had a stroke and died, bitterly and alone. Maria Josepha, Queen of Poland and Electress of Saxony, dying all by herself in a palace turned prison." The tears were building up in Albert's eyes now, but like the noble prince he was, he did all he could to fight them back. Fight them back like the Prussians.
I thought of something to say. I thought of the day I heard that my mother's cousin, the Queen of Poland, had died under house arrest in Dresden Castle, locked away with her eldest son and his Bavarian wife. I remember the gasps and the whispers of the court. I remember my mother taking the letter that the late queen had sent her, noting that she was too heavily guarded to be able to sneak out another letter. I remember her crossing herself and whispering a prayer before marching off to discuss war with her ministers. "It's been three years now, hasn't it?"
"Three years to the day," Albert said with a cracking voice. "November the seventeenth. A day I will never forget for as long as I live. I do hope you understand, but I have to go and fight. For Dresden, for my mother, for everyone. For you."
I stood from my chair and stood beside his, his head leaning back to look at me. "I understand. All I wish is that you come back to me alive. You can be in a million pieces for all I care. Just come back alive, and I will be satisfied." I pressed a gentle kiss to Albert's cheekbone.
Albert grinned sheepishly. "I'll write to you as often as I can. That's a promise."
Suddenly I remembered something. "Hold on," I quickly ran to my bedroom and pulled open my jewelry chest. I picked up a special little item- a miniature of myself in a golden oval frame, hanging on a pristine black ribbon. My father was going to kill me if he knew I gave this to Albert, but it didn't matter much to me anymore. I placed the portrait in his palm, closing his fingers around it. "I want you to have this. Take it to war with you, so that I'm always there when you need me."
Albert opened his hand and gazed down at the portrait. "Are you sure? This is such a nice miniature. I'd hate for it to get damaged or lost."
I watched Albert examine the miniature. "Well, that doesn't matter much. I have others. But this one is kind of important. My father insisted on this being done in March, and holding onto it until a special date. But I think that now is the time," I flipped over the miniature, which had my name engraved on the back. "My father had these miniatures done of all of his daughters so that they could be sent to their betrotheds. This was probably supposed to go to Benedetto, but since it is in my possession, I'm going to give it to you."
Albert glanced up with a puzzled chuckle. "But Christina," he began, "We aren't engaged."
"We very well should be. If it wasn't for my father, I do think that we would be by now."
"I don't think I would want anything but to be truly engaged to you. But for now, I believe whatever we have will work," Albert took one last glance at the miniature in his palm before tucking it into his waistcoat pocket. "Thank you. I will treasure it forever. Do remind me, and I'll have one of me made for you, so you can have something of mine when I go off."
"I suppose I will finally have something in common with my mother's female subjects. Having their beloveds torn away from them and sent off to war," I commented.
"Not quite. Their husbands are the privates and the non-commissioned officers. They will sleep on the cold ground, while I will have a kinder cot in a tent, or a room in a house if I am lucky. It is not the suffering that I fear, it's the possibility of death by illness or injury."
"Don't tell me such frightful things," I admonished him. "Or I will fear for you more."
Albert must have noticed a grim look on my face. "Oh, don't fret! I'm not leaving until January!"
"January is too close," I said with a sigh, leaning onto the armrest of Albert's chair.
Albert took my hand and kissed it. "With all hope, I won't be gone long. I don't want to leave you, either. But I hope you understand that I need to do this. To drive the Prussians back. I'd rather it be me out there than your brother."
"I suppose you're right," There was a moment of awkward silence between us. Finally, I said, 'I think your mother would be very proud of you."
Albert looked at me with shimmering blue-gray eyes. "Really?"
"Yes, really."
"You know, Christina," Albert said, swallowing his emotions back down. "I got my last letter from my mother about three months before she was killed. And she knew she didn't have much time left. I still have her letter, but I know it by heart. 'Dearest Bertie. The Prussians are closing in and I don't know how much longer we have. I wrote a letter to the Empress. I regret being so cruel to her, now that it is my time of need. We are so heavily guarded now, I am surprised that i even got through to her at all. I don't think any more letters will be able to get out. I highly suggest that you and your brother go to Vienna. I love you, Bertie. Tell the Empress that I am sorry. For everything. Love, Mama.' I'll never forget those words, Christina. Never."
I swallowed the emotion that was building inside me. "And as much as it is the Prussian's fault, it's my mother's. Your mother was older, and if my mother would have just let her have the crown-"
"Now is not the time for talking about what could have happened," Albert interrupted. "What has happened has happened. But the truth of the matter is that Dresden is threatened, and I cannot let such a thing happen ever again. I do this for everything I stand for. Even if I look death in the face."
"God," was all I managed to say.
Albert grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight. "Everything will be alright. Promise."
"Promise?"
"Promise," Pia's steady footsteps sounded as she walked up the servants stairs, accompanied by the creaking of an opening door. "Ah, there's your lady. I'm afraid that means it's my cue to leave, or she will be M-A-D," Albert said with a chuckle. "Bye Christina," Albert said as he pressed a kiss to my cheek before leaving my apartment, slowly closing the door behind him.
"Morning!' Pia said happily as she came into the sitting room. "Oh, well, I see you've already eaten."
"Yes, yes. Albert and I had a very enjoyable breakfast."
Pia cocked her head curiously. "Are you alright?"
I folded my arms onto the surface of the table and crashed my head face-first into the polished marble. "No," I said as the tears began to run down my cheeks. "He's going to fucking war, and either physically or mentally, he's not coming back in one piece. I can't lose him, Pia, I just can't."
Pia wrapped her arms around my shoulders, but she didn't say much of anything. Finally, she spoke. "He's going to protect you. He's going to protect all of us. That's more courage than any other man in this palace could ever muster. Everyone else here is too high-and-mighty to even get gunpowder on their clothes. When my Papa was in the war, he said that a well-minded officer made all of the difference. That will be the role that Albert will serve."
"My entire future hangs in the balance of his life," I mumble into the table. "I wish to marry him and no-one else. If I am forced to marry against my will, I will throw myself from the highest turret of my husband's palace. Or better yet, I will drown myself in the pools of his pleasure gardens."
Pia exhaled at my dramatics. "He is a prince. He will return in his crisp, clean uniform on a noble steed, laurels on his head. It is the common man who is struck in a vein, slowly bleeding out before he is left dead where he fell. My Papa told me all of those tales. How lucky he was, as a farmer's son, to make it out alive."
"God, I hate this all!" I cried. "The war has spread to every continent, and has caused four years of bloodshed. When will it end? The naked savage of Louisiana fights the French in the same way that the Prussians fight the Austrians! There is not a speck of peace anywhere in the world!"
"I am no general," Pia replied. "But I suspect that this conflict is far from over."
I sighed heavily. "Neither am I. But the way that this is brushing up, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to look over a few battle maps, if my mother will allow me."
"Could Father Lachner teach you?"
"He's a priest, Pia. He couldn't teach me about war even if he tried."
"Well," Pia stated. "Downstairs in those hearing rooms are your mother's best military advisors. And, frankly, if they have enough time to be playing games and dancing at court, then they also have time to teach an Archduchess a few things about war. And if they decline, you're more powerful than them anyway."
I slowly lifted my head from the table. "Pia, you're a genius."
Pia grinned. "I know. Here, let's get you dressed. Something stately for Major-General Maria Christina." Pia brought her hand to her temple in a stiff salute, and we both collapsed into laughter.