『JenSoo Short Stories』 - Chapter 49: Chapter 49

Turns out Jisoo did suck at romance. She missed dates, forgot to call Jennie back and was a bad texter. The first week Jisoo didn't think her thing with Jennie was going to last. She really was terrible.
But weeks turned into months and despite the missed dinners, Jennie stayed patient. Jennie was there in the dining room with takeout at eleven at night chatting with Tom as she waited for Jisoo's meeting to end. Jennie was there at seven in the morning before Jisoo left for work, a bag of pastries in hand. Jisoo would happily munch on her croissant alone in her office, looking at the Seoul skyline, wondering what class Jennie was in.
Jennie didn't get tired of her even though Jisoo stupidly didn't move an inch the first time Jennie kissed her. Jennie only laughed when she first stayed the night and Jisoo offered her bed while Jisoo slept in one of the spare bedrooms. Jennie didn't mind that she sent paragraphs of text only for Jisoo to reply with one or two words—Jennie didn't get mad, instead she would call Jisoo to get her reply because she knew Jisoo preferred talking instead of texting.
And Jisoo was never the one to show affection, she didn't grow up with people who liked to hug. Pats on the back were good. Hugs were awkward. She kissed each of her exes once.
Jennie was different and she was persistent. Jennie liked hugs. She hugged Jisoo any chance she could. She preferred to cuddle when they had movie nights and she liked to hug Jisoo from behind when Jisoo was cooking them dinner. The fact that Jisoo tensed whenever Jennie hugged her just made Jennie hug her even tighter.
Strangely, Jisoo didn't find it uncomfortable. If she did, she would've said something. But Jisoo actually liked Jennie's hugs.
("Are all hugs like this?"
"What do you mean 'are all hugs like this' ?
"I don't know, Lis. Like- you feel all warm and fuzzy inside."
"God, you're nauseating."
"I'm asking a genuine question!"
"You're in love that's what it is.")
Five months into their relationship, Jisoo started to be the one initiating hugs. She was more affectionate; intertwining Jennie's hand with hers when they walk side-by-side and kissing Jennie goodbye in front of her university friends, not caring about the whistles thrown at them.
Jisoo still missed dates and phone calls, but strangely enough Jennie still  didn't seem to mind. Jisoo was left dumbfounded because how was Jennie perfectly fine with all of this? There was a reason why Jisoo's past relationships never lasted.
"I know you're busy, baby. And I know you're trying your best too." Jennie once said. Jisoo almost shed a tear because how was Jennie so. damn. perfect?
After eight months of being together, Jisoo was juggling her relationship and work much better. She canceled an important meeting for the first time ever because she promised Jennie that she would be with her during the first snowfall.
Lisa called her crazy, and her past self definitely would agree with Lisa. Jisoo didn't care though. The smile on Jennie's face when Jisoo showed up along with the first drop of snow was priceless.
"What are you daydreaming about?"
"Hm?" Jisoo looked to the side and found her girlfriend staring at her. "Nothing."
Jennie laughed, setting her book aside and rested her head on Jisoo's chest. Jisoo wrapped her arms around the smaller girl and kissed the top of her head.
"If you say so," Jennie lazily drew circles on Jisoo's covered stomach. "What should we get for dinner?"
"What do you want?"
"You always ask me what I want." Jennie giggled. "Can you choose for tonight?"
Jisoo humed in thought and after a moment she added, "Pizza it is."
Jennie immediately sat upright, a huge grin on her face. "You really are a mind reader, aren't you?"
Jisoo shrugged, a smile at the corner of her lips. "I told you."
Jennie shook her head fondly, laughing as she laid back down to her previous position.
"I love you, Kim Jisoo."
I love you. Right. Jisoo should probably say it back at some point.
But should she even say it back? Wasn't that too soon? Jisoo didn't know when the appropriate time of reciprocating your girlfriend's confession of love would be.
When she asked Lisa about it, Lisa questioned her back asking if the reason she hadn't said it back was because she didn't feel the same way Jennie did—which was stupid. Jisoo made sure to throw her popcorn across the couch, all the way to Lisa's face, because what kind of stupid question was that?
The first time Jennie said those three words to Jisoo, Jisoo accidentally sliced her finger instead of the tomato on her chopping board. It was three months after they became official and Jisoo wasn't expecting it. Not that soon, at least. But Jennie did and Jisoo was so caught off guard that they had to halt their cooking and order sushi for dinner instead. Jisoo didn't bring up the topic again all night and Jennie didn't either.
Just because she didn't say it back didn't mean Jisoo didn't love her.
Or... maybe Lisa was right. Did she love Jennie?
Sweet Jennie who was the most understanding and loving person Jisoo had ever met. Jennie who made her laugh in the mornings and made her laugh before she went to sleep. Jennie who was never mad at Jisoo when Jisoo forgot to call despite promising that she would.
"Loving and being in love with someone and you just enjoying their company are completely different things, you know that right?"
"What?" Jisoo looked at Lisa in disbelief. "Of course I do."
"Cool. So which one is it with Jennie?"
"Which one?"
Lisa rolled her eyes. "Are you in love with her or do you just like having her around?"
In Jisoo's defense, she didn't have much experience of being in love. How was she supposed to know whatever that feeling was like? The only relationship she had was with Seulgi, one of her close friends, and that didn't work out because they were both too busy to have a relationship. Was she ever in love with Seulgi? Maybe not. A crush, sure, definitely. Seulgi was an attractive woman.
Was it the same with Jennie? Jisoo liked her a lot, that was for sure. Was it so much to the point that it was love?
Jisoo figured if this was Seulgi, she wouldn't have to think about this so much. Seulgi didn't care about love and all the cliché things. Jisoo didn't either. And Jisoo wouldn't have cared so much if it weren't for the fact that Jennie told Jisoo she loved her every chance she got. (Jisoo felt like the world's biggest asshole every time Jennie got silence instead of Jisoo saying it back).
When it rained and Jisoo always held the umbrella for the two of them, making sure not a single droplet of rain fell on top of Jennie's head but ended up soaking wet herself, Jennie would laugh and "I love you, Kim Jisoo."
When Jennie had to move out of her dorm and Jisoo told her she could stay with her until she found a place because she had more rooms than necessary, "Really? Kim Jisoo, my saviour, thank you, I love you," as Jennie peppered her face with kisses.
When Jisoo found out that Chaeyoung was Jennie's first love, Jennie reassured her that all her feelings for Chaeyoung were now strictly platonic. "She was my first love, but that was years ago. I love you. You're my present and my future, Kim Jisoo."
When Jennie came home with Jisoo for Christmas and Jisoo's parents kept on sending disapproving glances towards them, Jennie held Jisoo's hand on top of the dinner table and proclaimed her love for Jisoo for everyone to hear, her chin up and her tone proud. "I love your daughter. I'll take care of her the best way I can."
When Jisoo would pick Jennie up from classes, leaning against her black Mercedes, Jennie would sprint towards her, a big smile on her face and a "You didn't have to pick me up, I know you're a busy lady. Love you."
Every single time Jisoo would return a smile or a kiss, never saying it back when she knew Jennie was expecting it every single time. Jisoo realized romance wasn't as easy as she thought, and that this whole thing with Jennie was bound to blow up if Jisoo didn't get her shit together.
—
Turns out, it blew up sooner than Jisoo expected. She wished this point never came—she knew it would, she had been dreading it ever since—but Jisoo cursed the stars for actually making it happen. She just wanted to at least hold Jennie for another night.
Her and Jennie were getting ready for bed, Jisoo changing into her pyjamas while Jennie was already tucked in their bed and they were fine.
Jisoo was talking about her day, how her parents scolded her because she was five minutes late to brunch (which was insane because it was only five minutes), about the meeting she had with a representative of a designer brand that she couldn't say just yet and how she missed Jennie the entire day. And maybe Jisoo should've noticed how quiet Jennie was or how Jennie's body tensed the moment Jisoo slid her arms under the cover and wrapped them around Jennie's waist.
When Jisoo thought Jennie had fallen asleep, Jennie spoke.
"I love you."
It was silent—so silent that Jisoo could hear a hair pin drop. She didn't know why this night felt different. Jisoo didn't know why there was an edge to Jennie's voice and why there was something else she couldn't quite place.
Jennie turned around to face Jisoo. Jisoo could make out the faint outlines of Jennie's face in the dark—she had memorized every single inch of Jennie.
"I love you, Jisoo," Jennie stated once more. This time Jisoo could clearly hear the challenge in her tone.
Jisoo stared back at her, a sinking feeling started to settle in the pit of her stomach.
Seconds passed by, Jisoo saw the mixture of emotions all over Jennie's face. She was hurt, Jisoo could tell. She looked angry too, this Jisoo wasn't expecting.
"Do you love me?"
Jisoo was taken aback by the bluntness of the question. "What?"
"Do. you. love. me?" Jennie's tone turned impatient.
Jisoo was wide-eyed. This wasn't where she was expecting this night to go. "Jen—"
Jennie got up from the bed and Jisoo followed suit. They were standing in front of each other on the foot of the bed, Jennie with her arms across her chest and a scowl on her face.
"Jen, what's going on?
"'What's going on' ?" Jennie scoffed. "Do you love me or not? I asked you a simple question, Jisoo."
"I—" Jisoo's voice got stuck in her throat. She didn't know what to say. She didn't like that she was being put on the spot like this either.
Jennie stayed silent, an expectant look on her face. When Jisoo didn't say anything else, Jennie let out a big sigh.
"Jennie," Jisoo croaked out. She was afraid where this conversation would go.
Jennie groaned, taking a fistful of her hair before exploding at Jisoo. "It's a simple fucking question, Jisoo!"
Jisoo was taken aback by Jennie's outburst. "I-"
Jennie stepped forward, a fiery look in her eyes. "I. Love. You. Jisoo," she said, puncturing each word with a jab to Jisoo's chest.
Jisoo stared into Jennie's eyes, seeing the mixture of rage, sadness and disappointment swimming around in them. Jisoo knew she should say something—she should say the one thing she knew Jennie wanted to hear. But why was it so hard for her to utter those words? Was it because she didn't feel it? Or was it because she was scared? Jisoo didn't know, she needed to think, but Jennie wasn't letting her.
"You don't love me, do you?" Jennie's tone was full of defeat. Jisoo knew that it was now or never. She was going to lose Jennie— really  lose her—if she didn't say something. "All this time you never said it. I tried to make sense of it, I tried to make sense of you. You got me flowers every week—sometimes even twice a week. You listen when I ramble about useless things, you accompany me to my mom's for dinner each month, let her talk to you about politics and you never talk back to her even though I know you have opposite views on things. You just want my mom to like you. You remember all the dumb little things, remember wwhen we first met and what I was wearing at that time. You tell me I look good even though I stayed up all night doing my assignments, you tell me I'm beautiful at five in the morning, at midnight, in the middle of the day. You look at me like you're in love with me. Like you love me."
Jennie paused and took a deep breath. She gave a bitter laugh before looking straight into Jisoo's eyes. "You do all these things but you never told me that you love me. Not even once, Jisoo. And once upon a time, I believed you loved me. But I just- I don't know anymore."
Jisoo stayed silent.
"You're not even gonna say anything?"
Jisoo stayed silent because she didn't know how to say anything without hurting Jennie even more.
"So it's true, huh?" Jennie's tone was full of defeat, her eyes shining with unshed tears. Jisoo hated herself for being the cause of it.
"Jen," Jisoo whispered, her hands reaching out to touch Jennie but Jennie moved away. "I—"
"No," Jennie ran a hand through her hair and gave a humourless laugh. "Just, save it, Jisoo. I think I heard you loud and clear."
When Jennie slammed the door shut, Jisoo felt the sobs at the back of her throat but she swallowed them. To cry meant she regretted everything that led Jennie to walk out. No, Jisoo did this to herself. She was the reason Jennie left, Jisoo didn't deserve to cry. So Jisoo stared out her window all night, wondering whether the reason her heart hurt so much was because the feeling she had for Jennie was love all along and she was just too dumb to realize.
—
When Jisoo didn't get a single 'I love you, beautiful' in the middle of a meeting and when no one was there to kiss her goodnight and whispers of 'I love you' , Jisoo wondered how dumb she was to let everything slip from her fingers.
—
Chaeyoung came by her house a few days after Jennie left, saying that Jennie had asked her to pack her stuff up. Jisoo couldn't do anything else but let her in and watched as Jennie's things that were scattered around her house were shoved into boxes.
Jisoo didn't say anything, she couldn't ask Chaeyoung where Jennie was staying now or if Jennie was okay. Jisoo figured she didn't deserve an answer.
"Is this Jen's?" Chaeyoung was holding a stuffed teddy bear, one of its eyes missing and an embroidered 'J' seen on its left chest.
"No," Jisoo lied, taking the teddy and sending the blonde a small smile hoping that she was convincing enough. "It's mine. I know I'm too old to own one of these... it has sentimental values."
Chaeyoung nodded and Jisoo had a feeling that Chaeyoung knew she was lying, that she knew exactly that it was Jennie's favourite teddy bear and that Jisoo lied because she wanted to keep a part of Jennie to herself.
"Okay then, I'll get going," Chaeyeoung lifted the last of the boxes and gave Jisoo an awkward smile.
Jisoo nodded and gestured towards the door. "I'll walk you out."
Once the back of Chaeyoung's car was filled with Jennie's things, it dawned on Jisoo that Jennie was really gone.
Jennie wasn't talking to her anymore and there weren't any of her things left in Jisoo's house. There was no more reason for Jennie to come back and Jisoo had to force a smile on her face, not wanting to cry, especially not in front of Chaeyoung.
"Actually, uhm," Chaeyoung cleared her throat. "Jennie has something for you."
"Oh."
"Yeah," Chaeyoung gave an awkward laugh before reaching into her car and pulling out an envelope. "She told me to give you this."
Jisoo took the envelope with shaky hands, once again forcing a smile onto her face. "Thanks."
Chaeyoung was looking at her with so much pity in her eyes and a part of Jisoo was angry at her, because just like Chaeyoung, she pitied herself too. How could she ruin such a good relationship? She felt pathetic and she understood why Chaeyoung was looking at her that way.
"Jisoo, look," Chaeyoung stepped forward and placed a hand on the older girl's arm. "I honestly think you two will get through this."
Jisoo gave a bitter laugh at that. Was Chaeyoung mocking her now? "She packed all of her things, Chae. Well, you did, but it doesn't matter. What part of all of this still makes you think that she'll come back? 'Cause I don't think she will. I screwed up. She's not coming back. It's fine, I'll live." Jisoo hated how despite trying to act unaffected, anyone could hear the shakiness in her voice.
Chaeyoung squeezed her arm lightly. "She loves you, Jisoo. And right now she doesn't think that you love her back, which I know isn't the case."
"How? You don't know what I'm feeling," Jisoo accused. "What if she's right and I don't love her, not even a little bit?"
Chaeyoung shook her head and gave a soft smile. "You seem to forget that I've been in your place before. I know what it looks like to love Jennie—to be in love with her. You can't lie to me."
Jisoo crossed her arms. She didn't know why she was getting annoyed at where the conversation was going. "Then why don't you be with her?"
Chaeyoung laughed at that. "Because she loves you, not me, silly. Plus, I'm in love with Lisa."
Jisoo didn't say anything in reply and Chaeyoung took that as a cue to leave. Before getting in her car, she looked at Jisoo one last time. "Contrary to what you think, you haven't really lost her—not for good anyway."
"I appreciate your optimism," Jisoo replied, her voice lacking any enthusiasm.
"I know that if you show up in front of her right now and tell her how you really feel, she'll take you back in a heartbeat. She loves you."
"Then why did she ask you to pack her things?" Jisoo challenged back. "If she still loves me like you claimed, wouldn't she be fine with seeing my face and not having to avoid me? And she wouldn't just- just leave."
"Chu, you two broke up over something so stupid. I can't for the love of me figure out why- how something so simple can—" Chaeyoung palmed her forehead, letting out a sigh. "Just tell her you love her. What's so hard about that?"
"Because I don't know if I do!" Jisoo shouted frustratedly. "Okay?"
Chaeyoung softened at that and gave Jisoo a reassuring smile. "I have a feeling that you already know the answer," she shrugged. "Think it through, Chu. Don't take too long."
And with that Chaeyoung left, leaving Jisoo standing with Jennie's envelope in her hands. She took a deep breath and opened it. Jisoo expected a long letter—maybe Jennie ranting about how much she hated Jisoo for breaking her heart, or pages filled with curses and how Jennie never wanted to see her again. But all she got was a small piece of paper with one sentence and a bracelet that Jisoo gave to Jennie on their one month anniversary.
it's okay if you don't feel the same way I do, don't beat yourself up