『JenSoo Short Stories』 - Chapter 52: Chapter 52

"Hey, how are you all doing tonight?" Jennie says as she fiddles with the guitar in her hand in preparation for the next songs she will be playing.
For most of the people in that bar, it's just another Saturday.
They came to the place for a good time with great company and even better music, or so Jennie liked to think.
It has been years since she started playing and though she hasn't caught a big break yet and had to work two jobs to be able to stay alive and fed, she wouldn't trade the feeling nights like this gave her. The joy of being able to share her music to whoever would listen, the hope that someone may take something away from the songs she sings, it's enough fuel to keep her going.
Though, if she's being honest, a part of her keeps singing in the hope that her songs would reach the person she wrote them for. It has been years since she last heard from her muse and it was a parting she would rather forget. Things started to be a mess when her love's family found out about them and she was forced to make the decision that would cause her to lose it all.
"Leave my daughter. You can't give her the life she deserves." Mr. Kim stated coldly as he regarded his daughter's girlfriend.
This was not what Jennie thought she would hear from the man Jisoo positively adored. Although she knew he was not in favor of their relationship, Jisoo always told her that he was just taking his time dealing with the fact that his daughter loves another woman. However, based on the way their conversation is going, his issue seems to be more about Jennie's state of life rather than her gender.
Jennie knew she didn't come from much.
Her father left them when she was born because he wasn't ready to be a father yet and her mother is working three jobs to keep them afloat, refusing to let Jennie do anything but focus on her education. But Jennie is tenacious, she continues to try and help her out by taking whatever gig she could make money off of. A musician at heart, she'd get performing gigs at coffee shops or from various organizations for a small fee. She's also a tutor for various subjects and a quite good one at that. It was through this that she met Jisoo who needed a tutor for Physics and Calculus. They hit it off immediately and now here she is, stuck in front of a man who doesn't see her as a suitable fit for his daughter. She never really resented her situation but today, a small part of her couldn't help but hope things were different.
"Sir, I'll work hard. I promise. Please sir, don't ask me to leave her." Jennie begged as she thought of kneeling down just to show how badly she wants her plea to be heard.
The man before just looked at her angrily. "Look at yourself, young lady. You don't have anything my daughter could possibly want." He continued insulting her. "Your life is abysmal, your house in tatters, your future not in sight. What could you possibly give my Jisoo except pain and suffering? Hell, you're probably only with her because of our money."
Shaking her head vehemently, she opposed. "No sir, I love Jisoo with everything I have."
He laughed mockingly, "Well, I guess that's not a lot because you don't have much."
She stared at him with tears in her eyes, "What do I have to do to earn your permission? Please sir, I love Jisoo. I can't lose her."
"She's meant for far greater things than you could ever dream of giving her. Let my daughter go." He said again, dead set on not seeing her genuine love for Jisoo.
Knowing that she won't be able to change his mind, she decided that she would have to settle for something else, something that would let her keep Jisoo just for a while longer.
She looked at him again and said evenly with a bravery she didn't know she could be capable of having, "I will do as you ask and let her go on one condition, Sir."
"You are not in the position to bargain, runt." he began dismissively but then Jennie cut him off.
"I am if you don't want Jisoo to find out about this conversation." she retorted defiantly. "She thinks the world of you and I'm sure you want to keep it that way."
This gave the older man a pause. He looked at her up and down with a piercing gaze for a couple of minutes and it took everything in Jennie to stop herself from shaking. Maybe he found something in her posture or maybe he just wanted to toy with her but he eventually raised an eyebrow and shrugged. "Well then, let's hear that condition."
Shocked, Jennie couldn't stop herself from looking at the man. He seemed to be a little more open to listening so she decided to just go with what was in her head right at that moment.
"Give me the rest of the school year with her, please." she implored.
They were both in their senior year of high school now so Jennie knew there is a possibility of things ending by then. Now, it's a certainty. She is heartbroken but right now, she can't process it yet. However, a bigger part of her thinks that having the chance to spend the rest of their time together in peace is a bargain she would take.
"Please sir. Just the rest of this year then I'll be gone from her life."
"Why are you pushing this?"
"Sir, I know you think I don't know much about love and that we're still too young to know what it is but I truly do love Jisoo. She's everything to me and I will not forgive myself if I can't let her know and feel just how much I do."
"You'll hurt her in the end, you know."
"I know, Sir. It will break me too."
"And yet you will still risk it?"
"For her sir? I will risk everything." she swallowed as she prepared to give Jisoo's dad a piece of her mind. "I know I'll hurt her then but isn't that what you want? She'll be so eager to leave this place, to leave me. But I would still take the few months left before that anger arrives to let her feel my love. If this is the only chance I'll get to love her then I will love her with all of my heart."
"Even if she'll hate you in the end?"
"Even then. I already hate myself right now sir but I'd rather it be me than you. She thinks the world of you and she would be heartbroken if she were to find out about this."
He leaned forward in interest. "You won't tell her?"
Jennie shook her head again. She seemed to be doing a lot of that.
"I see where you're coming from, sir. You're a father who wants the best for their child. Granted, it doesn't make it hurt any less and I am honestly extremely hurt and angry right now, but I get it. I also know how it feels to not have a father you can turn to and I would never want Jisoo to know that pain so no, I'm taking this to my grave. But sir, I hope that someday, when Jisoo brings home someone new, I hope you love her enough to let her be happy even if her idea of happiness does not match yours."
"Very well. You have the rest of the year."
So she made it count.
Every day, without fail, she'd fetch and walk with Jisoo to school. She'd bring her flowers and other little trinkets and when she inevitably finds herself running out of cash, she learned how to make various things and shapes through origami, coming up with just about anything because Jisoo always told her that more than anything, it's the fact that someone took the time to come up with something for her that matters.
She also learned to cook more and more things, wanting to take Jisoo out on dates but barely having enough money to spare. She woke up early everyday just to make them food for lunch seeing as she commandeered that time with Jisoo, another attempt to try and show her just how much she loved her.
As for Jisoo? She understood.
The girl could feel that Jennie was keeping something from her and did all she could to let her know that it's alright to share what's bothering her but all of those were to no avail as Jennie was adamant on just focusing on Jisoo.
As the end of the year loomed, Jisoo could feel a sense of desperation slowly taking hold of Jennie. Everything she did felt tinged by a goodbye. She kept saying things in passing that implied the impermanence of their situation and it was also making Jisoo antsy but she bore it.
Until she couldn't.
It was the night after their graduation and Jisoo was talking so excitedly about their future when she noticed that Jennie wasn't totally paying attention.
Feeling a bit annoyed, she called her out. Little did she know it would escalate to the end so quickly.
"Jennie, listen to me." she said albeit irritatedly.
Jennie was still a bit out of it and so she launched into a tirade.
"Jen, what's wrong with you? You've been so out of it. Yes, you were around everyday but it also felt like you were so mentally checked out. I couldn't even remember when the last time we talked properly was. Lately, it's always just been about food and school and whatnot. I miss you, Jen! I miss us."
Jennie tried to move closer but Jisoo wasn't having it.
"What? You're really not gonna say anything?" her voice breaks. "Really Jen? We've been looking forward to getting out of here and finally getting a chance to do the things we dreamed of."
Meanwhile, Jennie was caught in a conundrum of her own. She knew her time with Jisoo was up but she also knew it would be very difficult to just break up with Jisoo. She had to make her hate her. She had to, otherwise, she knew that Jisoo would wait for her.
And she shouldn't.
Not when no matter how hard she tries, she can't be who Jisoo needed, not without losing her father.
So she steeled herself for the moment she has long since dreaded, the time when she had to swing the hammer that would break both their hearts.
"Jisoo, there's no we." she started. And almost stopped as she watched the variety of emotions tear through Jisoo's beautiful face.
"I don't see a future like that with you anymore." she uttered, starting the guttural experience of heartbreak.
Unable to contain her ire, Jisoo got up and started pacing while tears began to mar her cheeks.
"What do you mean?? But, Jen" she rambled, wringing her hands nervously "you said, we promised."
"Some promises were made to be broken, you know that."
Jisoo exclaimed, "You never break promises, Jen!"
"Well, there's a first time for everything." Jennie shouted back. "And this is it! I can't be with you anymore!"
"Why not? You can't expect me to buy that bullshit!" Jisoo fought back. "Just last week you were so excited about getting our own dog in the future and naming him Dalgom!"
"Can't I just change my mind?"
"No! I've known you for years, you never back down from things like this!"
"Well, now I am!"
"No, tell me, what's the reason really?"
This was it, the opportunity Jennie was waiting for. The opening for her to say what would surely wreck what remained of her already broken heart.
"Are you sure you want to know?" she asked, shakily, as if bracing herself for the impact of the hit she was about to let loose.
"I deserve to know." Jisoo rebuked steadily. "You owe me honesty."
Jennie nodded, resigned. "I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want to hurt you like this." She still tried to caution Jisoo.
"Tell. Me." the other woman said resolutely.
With a whisper, she declared, "I don't love you anymore."
Jisoo recoiled, as if punched in the gut. Shaking her head, shivering, as if trying to hold herself together, she slowly paced once again, muttering to herself that this was all a lie.
And Jennie let her.
She kept away from Jisoo, looking at her coldly, trying as hard as she could to disguise the heartbreak she's feeling with indifference, as if her chest didn't feel like it was on the verge of giving out from the pain. She just stood there seeing the love of her life reeling from the effects of the words she tried to carelessly utter.
A while later, Jisoo seemed to come off her heartbreak-induced stupor. She moved closer to Jennie again, defiant this time, and challenged her.
"Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me anymore." She said, seemingly holding her ground. "Do that and I'll walk away." She started strongly but ended up sounding a lot closer to a plea than a declaration.
So she once again did the most painful thing she thought she would ever do. She looked at her straight in the eye, quivering voice and all, and said,
"I don't love you anymore."
Jisoo's mouth hung open in shock and disbelief, and before Jennie could do anything, she turned back and ran away.
And that was the last time she ever saw her. That was the last memory she ever had of her.
"So, it's almost the end of my set again but instead of the usual, would you guys mind if I played something new?" she asked the patrons.
Many of them shook their heads so she shrugged, "alright then."
"A little backstory about this song then." she began with a bittersweet smile. "I wrote this the other day. So you know, if it feels a bit different, then I hope I get to work it over till it's good to go." she added to lighten the mood. The crowd chuckled a bit.
"What made me write it you might ask? Well, I guess the words just flow when you hear that the only person you ever really loved is set to be married to a person that's not you."
The crowd quietened but then someone joked, "I guess we're in for a sad one then?"
She smirked, "Nah, I don't think so. Or I hope we won't be. Even though I was sad, this came from a place of utmost love, the kind where you only want them to be happy and though you wish it was with you, you know it's better that it's not so the only thing left is for you to wish them well." She took a deep breath and continued.
"You know when you have so much to say but you know it won't change what's already written. And a part of you hopes that you still get a chance to apologize for all the things you didn't say but then you see that they're honestly, genuinely happy already and so you see that there's no point in digging up old wounds anymore, so you let it go."
A patron asked, "but shouldn't you apologize still?"
Jennie let out a chuckle, "I guess you should. For their peace, if not for yours. But sometimes, when they've picked themselves up and moved on, dealing with the transgression in ways that work for them, maybe the apology is the staying away, the removal of yourself from their peripheries, the vanishing."
"How so? Because maybe they're finally okay and seeing you will just unearth the pain they've already moved on from." She let her gaze wander around the bar, a part of her hoping to see her in the crowd but knowing that it was perhaps quite unlikely because Jisoo would be at her party by now, celebrating the end of her life as a single woman, engaging in fun with the rest of their friends for the last time before she begins a new chapter of her life.
Yes, she knows the schedule of the party. Lisa sent an invitation to their friends. Was she supposed to be included? Perhaps not, perhaps it was a mistake in the sending, but she got the email so now she knows, and all that's left to do is to pick up the fragments of her broken heart.
"Since I left her, I've spent all my time trying to make it back to her. I've chased her to every place she went to, trying to muster up the courage to come up to her and ask for another chance, trying to better myself to finally deserve her, but every time I try, I fail. I falter. And maybe that's on me too, for never believing that I'd ever be worth her love. So I'm right here, singing my heart out to the muse I will forever lose because I was never brave enough to fight for her the way she deserved to be fought for. It hurts. It probably always will. But she's happy with her new life, with a love that stayed by her side and so all that's left for me is this song. One that she probably won't hear but one that I hope would reach her somehow."
As she looked down to prepare, the door to the bar opened and a group of friends came in. And as if life was playing a cruel joke on her, she sees her, the love of her life, slowly making her way inside.
"And maybe I'll never get to talk to her again, but maybe, just maybe, she'd hear what I'm trying to say." She says and closes her eyes to begin, maybe also as a fervent prayer that Jisoo understands what she's trying to say, even if it's been years since they've spoken.
I will always love you
How I do
Let go of a prayer for you
Just a sweet word
The table is prepared for you
She began, near whispering, trying to convey that she's never once stopped loving her. That what she said that night was a lie, that all she hoped for in her life was joy for Jisoo in hers.
Wishing you godspeed, glory
There will be mountains you won't move
Still, I'll always be there for you
How I do
She wanted to say that she only ever wanted the best for her, that she loves her too much to shackle her with a love so tenuously situated, so unable to provide her with what she needed despite how much she tried. She wanted to tell her so much but knew that doing so would only be detrimental to the happy life she knew Jisoo took so much time to painstakingly built.
And so she decided to continue singing.
I let go of my claim on you, it's a free world
You look down on where you came from, sometimes
But you'll have this place to call home, always
Their eyes meet and Jennie sends Jisoo a smile despite the tears threatening to spill from her eyes.
She'll make an impromptu instrumental part just to let the moment last a bit longer then Jisoo will give her a nod in return.
Jennie continues singing because this moment feels like a true end, a goodbye to the only love she'll ever have and Jisoo walks away.
Right before Jisoo exits, she turns back just in time to hear the last part of the song.
I'll always love you
Until the time we die
She looks sadly at Jennie and gives her one final wave goodbye. Jennie looks up and sees her and accepts the end with a sad smile, stopping her strumming to reach for the ring she kept on her neck, a ring she once wanted to give Jisoo, the promise she was far too much of a coward to make, the risk she knew she would always regret never taking. All she can do now is watch her walk away again and say, as genuinely as she could as her heart broke anew, that she wishes her a good journey to a new beginning, one well and truly without her:
"Godspeed, Jisoo. Godspeed."