Jonah Clarke Is Not Gay - Chapter 1: Chapter 1

"For the last time Daniel, Jonah Clarke is not gay."
If Daniel had a pound for every time Isaac had told him that over the past twenty-four hours then he would probably be able to pay Isaac to shut up about it.
"You don't know that," Daniel replies simply.
"He sleeps with girls more often than I change underwear," Isaac reminds him, "and he is the self professed 'ladies' man' of the school."
"Maybe it's just an act."
"Look I get it man, I really do, you like him but if you go up there and tell him that you like him he's going to take the piss."
It is clear that Isaac does not really understand because Daniel does not just like Jonah Clarke, he thinks he probably loves him. And it's not for the same reason all the other girls like him, it's not just because of the long curls that frame his face or because of the gorgeous green eyes that are the same colour as Daniel's favourite pair of boxers. Daniel thinks he loves Jonah because he loves the fact that Jonah always wears the same frayed plaid shirt on a Thursday and that Jonah mouths the words to songs when he thinks no-one is looking. Daniel loves all the little things about Jonah, and that only makes him love the whole package even more.
"Dude," Isaac says heavily, "please don't do this."
Daniel doesn't listen though, he power walks down the corridor and towards his locker where he places his books for the day and retrieves the parcel that has been sat in there for the past few days.
He has to stop for a few moments to steady his breaths and then he heads towards where he thinks Jonah will be.
It is not like Daniel to do this. Daniel would rather stay in his room and play videogames than socialise with others, it just makes him feel anxious. So the only reason he can find as to why he's going out of his way to finally admit his feelings to Jonah Clarke is because it's Valentine's Day. It seems to Daniel that it would be a shame to waste this opportunity; after all, nobody wants to be single on Valentine's Day.
Just as Daniel expected, Jonah Clarke is sat surrounded by his fans at a table in the canteen. Just as he comes into sight, Daniel hears Jonah let out a burst of laughter that makes Daniel feel like melting, but in a totally sophisticated way of course.
"Hi," Daniel says.
He's off to a good start, he's yet to turn into a blubbering mess and he said something that wasn't completely socially awkward.
Daniel watches as Jonah Clarke and friends stare at him in complete confusion.
"Who's this," Jonah tries to whisper to the girl next to him.
In the back of his mind, Daniel faintly recognises her as Jonah's latest supposed fling. He instantly takes a dislike to her.
The table remains silent after Jonah's question. Daniel feels a slight pang in his chest; it hurts to think that to these people he is nothing more than another face on the corridors. He hates that just because he's not as popular as them then he isn't worth knowing.
Eventually somebody speaks up.
"He's the one that had that green hair last week," a boy says.
Daniel touches his hair self-consciously, it is now a dark red that he had been proud of until Jonah Clarke and his friends looked at it with condescending expressions.
"That looked cool," Jonah Clarke says.
His friends let out murmurs of affirmation before he continues.
"So what do you want?"
Daniel feels the lump start to form in his throat and he swallows deeply. It doesn't help that Jonah Clarke is brushing his hair back from his face in the most attractive way and suddenly Daniel can't seem to find the words he had so carefully planned out.
"I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date sometime," Daniel eventually manages to stutter out.
The table falls into silence as everyone waits for Daniel to deliver the punch line. Daniel can hear a clock tick, the sound unbelievably loud in his ears as he waits for Jonah Clarke to reply. The longer the silence goes on, the more the lump in Daniel's throat grows.
After a few moments the table erupts into laughter.
"He's straight," Jonah Clarke's supposed fling says, "I'd know."
"I can't believe he just asked Jonah out," Daniel hears one boy murmur to another.
"Why can't gay people just keep their gayness to themselves?"
"That's the best thing I've heard all day, did anyone get it on camera?"
The comments go on and on and Daniel can feel the blood start to rush in his ears and his breathing start to quicken and he doesn't even realise what he is doing but somehow his feet are carrying him forward and into the boys' bathroom.
Once inside Daniel tries to steady his breath but it's no use, he can feel the familiar panic rising inside of him. He slides to the floor and desperately tries to transport himself to a better place, one where he didn't just embarrass himself in front of the entire school - or at least those who matter in it.
Slowly Daniel can feel himself starting to lose control, his breathing slowly becoming more uneven and there are hot tears on his cheeks. Daniel furiously tries to brush them away but it's no use, all he can picture is Jonah Clarke's face when he asked him out. The moment replays over and over and Daniel eventually gives up on regaining his composure, he lets the tears fall and he lets his breathing spiral until he is gasping for air and is having to cling onto the edge of the sink to stop himself from fainting.
Daniel hates himself. He hates himself for ever thinking that Jonah Clarke could like him back and he hates himself for thinking that asking Jonah Clarke out would be a good idea.
It is as Daniel makes this decision of self-hatred that he feels a hand on his shoulder.
"That was brave," a familiar voice says slowly.
Daniel slowly exhales and turns to come face to face with Jonah Clarke who quickly removes his hand from Daniel's shoulder and stands there awkwardly.
"That was stupid," Daniel corrects him.
"Depends on how you're looking it."
"What other way is there to look at it?"
"The way I am, you went for what you... wanted and tried to shape your own destiny and all that jazz."
"I made a fool of myself."
"You're not the first person to do that," Jonah reminds him.
"It felt like I was."
"You're not even the first person to make a fool of yourself asking me out," Jonah says, "although you're the first to guy to ask me out so uhm, well done, I guess."
"Thanks," Daniel replies sarcastically.
"S'okay. Shit I don't even know your name."
"Daniel."
"Jonah."
"I know."
"I know it just seemed like the right thing to say."
The pair stands awkwardly for a few moments before Jonah clears his throat causing Daniel to quickly look up at him.
"Do you want to go for a coffee?" Jonah asks. "You hardly seem like you want to go to class."
"You're asking me out for a drink?"
"You asked me out like ten minutes ago," Jonah reminds him, "why is it so weird when I do it?"
Daniel just shrugs and looks at his feet, he's not entirely sure how to act around Jonah.
"So are you coming or what?"
xxx
Jonah taps his foot impatiently as he queues for coffee and glances quickly back at the red haired boy sat in a chair in the corner.
Jonah isn't entirely sure why he decided to ask Daniel out for a drink, he'd like to think that he's just that nice but Jonah is willing to admit that it might have something to do with him being intrigued. He doesn't know many people who would have the balls to walk up to someone they liked and ask them out like that. It doesn't matter if Daniel is regretting it now; Jonah still thinks he might be the bravest person he knows.
Once he's handed his drinks, Jonah settles into the chair opposite Daniel and takes a brief moment to inspect the boy.
Firstly Jonah notices that Daniel is cute, not that he swings that way. His coloured hair is dishevelled in an artful way, as if he woke up like that. Then Jonah begins to notice the redness of Daniel's eyes and the fact that Daniel looks tired, and stressed.
"I like your shirt," Jonah eventually says.
Daniel looks up at him in surprise and smiles shyly, a slight blush colouring his cheeks.
"Thanks," Daniel mutters.
"So you like Fall Out Boy?"
"Yeah. You?"
"Yeah."
Silence cuts between them once again and Jonah begins to blow on his coffee, he is restless and needs something to do.
"Guess I was wrong about you being gay," Daniel tells Jonah eventually.
"Sorry about that."
"Never apologise for who you are," Daniel says.
Jonah notices the graveness in his tone and wonders if Daniel finds himself apologising for who he is a bit too much.
"What was up with you in the bathroom?" Jonah asks.
Straight away Jonah can tell it was the wrong thing to say. Daniel sits up straighter, his arms fold across his chest and he fixes Jonah with a sharp look.
"Nothing," Daniel says simply.
And then the silence returns. Jonah finds his mind searching for something to say, something to ease the awkwardness.
"Why did you actually ask me out?" Daniel asks Jonah.
"I felt bad," Jonah says.
"Because your friends are douches?"
"They're not that bad. They're just not very open-minded."
"That's why I'm planning on moving away from the countryside as soon as possible," Daniel says.
"Because my friends are douches?"
"No because everybody here seems to have decided that homosexuality is either a sin or is a freak of nature."
"Idiots," Jonah mutters.
"You know, when I saw your face after I asked you out, I thought you thought the same," Daniel admits.
"I'm not gonna say I didn't find it weird, but hey, if you think I'm hot then why shouldn't you ask me out?"
"Because you're straight."
"Guys ask girls out when they're clearly not interested just in case they change their mind, why can't a guy ask a guy out for the same reason."
"Wise words from the school jock."
"Can we stop with the shitty American stereotypes?" Jonah asks.
"Ugh, people stereotyping seems to be the story of my life," Daniel replies.
With that Jonah breaks into song, other customers in the cafe turn to look at him as he sings One Direction at the top of his lungs.
"I thought I was supposed to be the gay one," Daniel teases.
"One Direction are awesome," Jonah tells him, "but they're my guilty pleasure so you're not allowed to tell anyone."
"I'm guessing I'm also not allowed to tell anyone about us having a drink together?"
"Go for it, who cares what everyone else thinks?"
"You."
"Not all of the time, not so much anymore."
"And what's that supposed to mean," Daniel asks.
"It means I guess you taught me something today," Jonah says.
"And what would that be."
"That you shouldn't care what people think as long as you're trying to get what you want from life."
"Even if you make a fool of yourself in front of the whole school?"
"Even if you make a fool of yourself in front of the whole school," Jonah repeats with a smile.
The two of them clink glasses as if they are making a toast and settle back into their seats as they sip on their drinks. Another silence descends upon them but this one is different from those before it.
Jonah looks at the boy across from him over the rim of his glass and watches as Daniel attempts to lick cream off his nose. And Jonah feels a surge of respect towards the boy and cannot help but think that if he was gay - which Jonah doesn't think he is- then Daniel is exactly the sort of boy that he would go for.
"What colour are you going to dye your hair next?" Jonah asks abruptly.
"I don't know," Daniel tells him sounding puzzled.
"You should go for purple or blue," Jonah says.
"Why?"
"It'd bring out the colour of your eyes."
With that Jonah refuses to meet Daniel's eyes and stares furiously at the wooden table, trying to follow the intricate pattern carved into it.
"Thanks," Daniel mumbles, then after a few moments, "are you sure you're not gay?"
Jonah squirms uncomfortably in his seat, he's the kind of guy that doesn't believe in knocking something till you've tried it but he's yet to sleep with a guy and so far he hasn't felt the urge to.
"Definitely."
"You double sure about that?" Daniel says with a teasing smile.
"Perhaps you'd like to test me."
Jonah successfully manages to make Daniel blush and Daniel shields his cheeks, trying to hide the redness. It doesn't work. Jonah can't help but think that he looks kind of cute when he's embarrassed.
"Can we change the subject?" Daniel asks.
"You seemed perfectly up for it when you asked me out," Jonah points out.
"But that was different. I thought you were gay for Pete's sake."
"But why? That's the question I want to know the answer to, am I sending out some sort of signal or something? Should I be worried about attending gay bars?"
"Do you make a habit of attending gay bars?"
"Well no. But what if one day I decide that I want to?"
"Then yes, people are going to assume you're gay, you'll be in a gay bar after all."
"But why did you think I was gay? Is your gaydar faulty or something?"
"Not all gay guys have a gaydar," Daniel tells him, "I don't know why I thought you were gay, I guess I just had a feeling."
"A feeling?" Jonah repeats questioningly. "Was it a feeling in the crotch area?"
With that Daniel throws a napkin across the table at Jonah and looks at him with an unimpressed expression.
"Shut up."
"Fine I'll change the subject. Do you have a grindr?"
"Shut up."
"You didn't deny it."
This time Daniel decides not to dignify Jonah's comment with a response and focuses on inspecting his nails.
Daniel cannot deny that he is nervous. He knows that nothing is ever going to happen between Jonah and him - evidently Jonah Clarke is not gay - but that doesn't stop him struggling to find words whenever Jonah makes him feel flustered, and that is happening far too often for Daniel to feel comfortable.
"Earth to Daniel," Jonah says waving his hand in front of Daniel's face.
When he realises he finally has Daniel's attention, Jonah continues.
"Do you want to go somewhere else?"
"We should probably go back to school."
"No offense but it's probably a bit too soon."
It takes Daniel a few moments before he realises why Jonah is reluctant to let him go back to school.
"Good idea. Where do you fancy going."
xxx
"The park, that's where you want to go?" Daniel asks disbelievingly.
Jonah shrugs, offering no real explanation before sitting down on one of the swings and gently beginning to push himself back and forth. After a brief moment of deliberation Daniel sits down next to him.
Out of the corner of his eye, Daniel watches as Jonah gently swings higher and higher, laughing like a small child. Daniel tries desperately to focus on something else but cannot help but notice the way that Jonah's eyes close slightly when he smiles or the fact that with each swing Jonah's laugh seems to get deeper and deeper.
Daniel shakes his head; the last thing he wants is to ruin this newfound friendship, especially when he knows that it can develop into nothing more.
"Come on Daniel," Jonah shouts as he swings past.
Daniel begins to move the swing too and, after some persuasion from Jonah, is swinging high up in the air, somehow Jonah and he have managed to synchronise their swings so that they are moving next to each other.
"I miss being a little kid," Jonah says wistfully as they begin another descent.
"What when there were no douches to worry about?"
"I'm not so sure, Sandy Thompson poured sand in my boxers when we were in nursery, I kept on finding grains for weeks in all sorts of places."
"So what do you miss then?"
"I miss being able to wear whatever I wanted without people questioning it," Jonah sighs, "now you apparently have to wear pink on Wednesdays."
Somehow, the two of them manage to high five in mid-air.
"Are you trying to tell me that you don't like the shirt you're wearing?" Daniel asks.
"Are you kidding me? This shirt is like the best thing ever."
"Has strong attachments to his clothes, I'll have to add that to the list of things I've learnt about you today."
"And what else have you learnt?" Jonah says.
"You like Fall Out Boy," Daniel begins, "you like One Direction, which does make me question your music taste slightly. You're not gay, you don't mind gay people, you've watched Mean Girls at least once and you don't like coffee."
"How do you know I don't like coffee?"
"Jonah, we went to a coffee shop and you drank tea."
"That's because tea is the best drink ever."
"That's like going to Pizza Hut and eating pasta."
"What's wrong with that?"
"Oh my god Jonah, I'm never going to Pizza Hut with you."
"Not even on a date?"
"Jonah!"
Jonah lets out a low chuckle before slowly stopping his swing. Daniel copies his actions and looks at Jonah questioningly.
"Come on," Jonah urges, "I want to go down the slide."
The two of them scramble up the steps and Jonah positions himself at the top of the slide.
"Wish me luck," he tells Daniel.
"Good luck, have a safe journey."
"I'll miss you," Jonah shouts as he pushes himself off.
Daniel waits a few moments, leaving enough time for Jonah to dismount at the other end, before starting to make his way down the slide himself.
"Wait, don't come down just yet, I'm coming up," he hears just as he lets go of the top of the slide.
"Do you listen to nothing I say?" Jonah asks when the two of them come face to face midway down the slide.
Somehow, Daniel has managed to stop himself so that he is sat on the slide although he can feel himself slowly edging down it, he looks up to see Jonah grinning at him.
"Well this is awkward," Jonah says.
Daniel does not realise what Jonah means until he realises that his eyes are level with Jonah's crotch.
"I have no idea what you mean. It's not much of a view."
"Oh, shut up."
Daniel looks up to find Jonah staring at him, a confused expression on his face. He swallows slowly as he realises just how close their bodies are.
He refuses to break eye contact with Jonah first and somehow he finds himself edging his face slightly closer to Jonah and somehow, impossibly he finds himself wondering that maybe Jonah Clarke is gay.
"Shit!" Jonah suddenly shouts.
And with that Jonah springs to the ground, falling to the floor in a surprisingly composed manner and gesturing for Daniel to follow him. As soon as Daniel feels the massive droplet of rain on his forehead, he understands why.
Daniel has no idea where the nearest shelter is, it has been a while since he last visited the park and so he follows closely behind Jonah, hoping the boy has some idea where he's going.
Jonah leads the pair into a bus shelter and they both settle on the plastic bench.
"Did you get too wet?" Jonah asks Daniel.
"I'll be fine."
"I'd take your jacket off if I was you, it's soaking."
"But then I'll be cold," Daniel whines.
Jonah shakes his head but retrieves a jacket from his bag none the less and tosses it towards Daniel.
"Will this do?"
"Thanks," Daniel replies with a shy smile.
"Have you checked your phone at all?" Jonah asks.
"I've decided I'm safer not doing so."
"Thank god parents in real life can't send howlers, hey."
The two of them settle back in their seat as Daniel desperately tries to warm himself up. The rain has soaked through his jacket and into his top and Jonah's jacket is proving to be of little help.
"You okay?" Jonah asks looking concerned.
"I'm cold," Daniel says through chattering teeth.
"You're such a wimp," Jonah scolds.
Despite his harsh words, Jonah awkwardly wraps an arm around Daniel and rubs, trying his best to heat Daniel up. Daniel offers him a small smile of thanks.
"This is why you need a more waterproof jacket," Jonah says.
"Thanks, I'll remember that for next time."
"Is this something that happens regularly then?"
"What, getting stranded in the rain with hot guys?"
Jonah scoffs at the word hot but nods none the less.
"Not very often," Daniel admits.
Jonah again looks at him with an expression of concern. Daniel is shivering and Jonah's arm seems to be providing very little help. Daniel's hair is plastered to his forehead with rain and his top is sticking to his body. To Jonah he looks fragile and lost and Jonah can't help but want to hug him tight and promise him that everything is going to be okay.
He doesn't though.
"You know when I found you in the bathroom?"
"Yeah."
"Were you okay?"
Daniel shrugs in response, not committing to an answer.
"You seemed like you didn't notice anyone else was there that's all, and you looked as if you were about to collapse any minute."
Daniel shrugs again.
"I'm just worried about you Daniel that's all; I'm allowed to be worried right?"
"Sure," Daniel says. "But I want to know why you bothered to chase after me at all today."
"I felt bad, that's all."
"I'd got you a present and anything," Daniel admits in embarrassment.
"Am I still allowed it?"
"Greedy."
Jonah sticks his tongue out in response and watches as Daniel places a small box in his hands.
"It's kind of shit but... I don't know, I guess I thought you might like it. But hey, I was wrong about a lot of things today."
Jonah carefully pulls apart the wrapping paper to reveal a CD case, his name written in calligraphy on the front.
"It's kind of like a modern day mixtape; I thought you might like some of the songs on it."
Looking over at Daniel, Jonah finds him looking away embarrassed. And Jonah feels like he owes him something, an explanation.
"You never gave me a chance to answer," Jonah says, "that's why I went after you."
Straight away Daniel directs his gaze to Jonah, looking at him in confusion. But Jonah is now the one to look away.
"Why?" Daniel asks. "What would you have said?"
It is Jonah's turn not to reply, and he pulls his phone out of his pocket and stares at it intently.
"Jonah. What the fuck would you have said?"
Jonah continues to stare at his phone but in his head he is wondering about tomorrow. Can he and Daniel still be friends? What will everyone think? Does he really care? And in his head there are the same things running round, he can't help but think about what it would be like to be friends with Daniel, whether he'd like it. And then he wonders if it's such a good idea. Daniel is great and everything but he doesn't fit in with people like Jonah in the grand scheme of things, and it's hardly like they've got anything in common expect a band.
Eventually Jonah formulates a plan. It's cowardly and Jonah feels terrible, especially as Daniel was so brave and took a chance this morning but Jonah has never been brave, will never be brave and so he stares at his phone and quickly comes up with something to get him out of there.
"I need to go," he tells Daniel, "my mum's ringing like crazy and she's sent me about fifty texts telling me to get home."
Daniel nods in understanding and Jonah feels a strange sort of guilt building up inside of him.
Jonah's step falters as he begins to make his way out of the bus stop as he takes a look at Daniel.
Daniel who is stood in Jonah's jacket which is sizes too big for him. Daniel who offers him a sad, embarrassed smile as he starts to leave. Daniel who is brave and funny and perceptive and has made Jonah laugh more than he has done in years. Broken Daniel, sad Daniel, Daniel. Jonah has always hated the idea the everyone has a missing piece, as if he is somehow incomplete but he likes to think that there is someone who can come along and rearrange the jigsaw so that all the pieces fit together, not that he thinks it's Daniel or anything, Daniel's just given him a glimpse of what it could be like.
"Bye then," he finds himself saying.
"Bye."
Before he knows what he is doing, Jonah is leaning over and kissing Daniel somewhere between the lip and the cheek.
"See you at school tomorrow," he says before Daniel can reply as he heads out of the bus stop into the rain.