Jonah Clarke Is Not Gay - Chapter 16: Chapter 16

Daniel is still tired on the bus to school the next morning, the only thing that stops him from finally falling asleep is the buzzing of his phone in his pocket. Pulling it out, Daniel reads the message displayed on the screen before deciding that his bad day can actually somehow get worse.
From: Mr Amazing
Won't be @ school today, tell the teachers I'm ill
To: Mr Amazing
Are you actually ill?
From: Mr Amazing
Of course I am Danny-Boy, what do you take me for?
From: Mr Amazing
That actually wasn't sarcastic, I seriously am, I feel like thousands of tiny men are trying to drill into my forehead while some other even tinier men are rubbing sand paper inside my throat
To: Mr Amazing
That was very detailed
From: Mr Amazing
I need you to know the pain I'm currently in so you know I'm not chickening out and that I have a serious reason
To: Mr Amazing
Isaac's mum only used to let him stay off of school if he was throwing up so I don't think you're ill enough to miss lessons
Daniel doesn't think this exactly, he's sure Jonah is plenty ill enough, but that doesn't mean that Daniel doesn't enjoy annoying Jonah none the less. He can only imagine the exasperated expression currently on Jonah's face right now.
From: Mr Amazing
Well I didn't exactly think you would want to hear how I was puking my guts out
To: Mr Amazing
Ew
To: Mr Amazing
Tmi Jonah
From: Mr Amazing
Exactly, that's why I didn't tell you in the first place
To: Mr Amazing
Well I hope you get better soon
From: Mr Amazing
I'll try my best
From: Mr Amazing
Keep me updated on what's happening, I want to hear about your day
With that Daniel places his phone back into the side pocket of his bag and stares out of the window aimlessly as he waits for the bus to arrive at school. Daniel can't help but think that this day is not looking like it's going to be a good one, it's not that Daniel's happiness depends on whether Jonah is in school or not but it is an undeniable fact that Jonah provides a different sort of fun than Daniel is used to.
Once the bus has pulled up inside of school it doesn't take Daniel long to find Isaac. The two greet each other with a simple nod to the head, Daniel more than aware that he shouldn't interrupt Isaac's game until he receives a signal that he's allowed to do so. That signal comes in the form of Isaac flicking the off switch a few minutes later.
"Hey," Isaac says simply, "sorry about that."
Daniel doesn't know why Isaac even bothers apologising. He supposes it's because saying sorry is just as much a part of their morning routine as Isaac playing games is.
"No problem," Daniel replies, because he's not about to break tradition, "what you playing?"
"Mario Kart."
"Seriously Zach?"
"It's a classic."
"You've got a perfect score on each of the cups; I think it's time to give up."
"Never."
Daniel simply rolls his eyes. Again this is just a part of the morning routine. Because if Daniel loves games, then Isaac is addicted to them. And he's good at them too; in fact Isaac refuses to buy the next game until he's completed the last one he bought. Usually that's only a few days but there have been a few weeks of endless frustration where Daniel was pretty sure Isaac was going home and crying.
"Suit yourself then."
Daniel throws himself down onto the cold plastic chair beside Isaac and sighs. Checks his phone for any new messages. Is strangely deflated when he realises that the name on his screen is not Jonah's.
From: Charlie Martin
When do you wanna meet up?
Daniel swallows deeply, holds the phone slightly further away from him. There's a part of Daniel that just wants to throw his phone across the room, or better yet, text Charlie back and back out of the entire idea of the two of them ever meeting up. But there's another part of him, which Daniel is surprised to find is larger, which convinces his mind that this is the right thing to do.
Daniel feels like he's spend the past year and a half running away from even the slightest mention of Charlie Martin and he's absolutely sick of it. Sick of flinching whenever someone so much as says his name. Sick of the panic attacks, and the lack of self confidence. Of course he knows that not all of that is Charlie's fault, but Charlie didn't exactly help with any of it either.
People always talk about facing your fears, be it heights or spiders. Daniel Evans' greatest fear is one he's always hid from everyone else. Daniel Evans' greatest fear is that no one is ever going to love him for being himself. And finding out why Charlie never could seems like the first step for Daniel to face that.
So Daniel stares at the keypad for a few moments longer, takes a deep breath and begins to type.
To: Charlie Martin
This Saturday, about eleven
From: Charlie Martin
Sounds good :) Where do you fancy?
To: Charlie Martin
Idk
From: Charlie Martin
How about that cupcake shop on the corner near school, that one we used to go to all the time
To: Charlie Martin
Sounds good, see you then
From: Charlie Martin
Can't wait
Daniel bites back the urge to type back 'I can' and instead simply switches his phone off and shuffles in his seat uncomfortably. This is actually happening and Daniel knows that he will never be able to work up the courage to back out now, no matter how much he might want to.
"You okay?" Isaac asks, looking at Daniel concerned.
"Yeah," Daniel replies simply, a small grin on his face, "I'm good, really good."
xxx
Jonah is not a fan of being ill. Of course he knows that no-one is really, that no-one in their right mind would ever choose to be ill, but Jonah detests it more than most. He hates the fact that he has to stay still, hates the fact that he has to stay in his room all alone and most of all, he hates that there's nothing he can really do about it.
Jonah fishes his IPod out of his jacket pocket and quickly places the earphones into his ears. At least when he's listening to music Jonah can almost convince himself that he's somewhere other than his stuffy bedroom refusing to eat.
The music lulls Jonah until he is almost asleep but he finds that despite this, unconsciousness is still just escaping him, and his mind is still wandering.
Jonah is not surprised to find that his thoughts drift towards Daniel, they often seem to do so these days, but Jonah is surprised to find that rather than worrying about Daniel as he usually would do, rather than thinking about potential solutions to Daniel's problems, Jonah finds himself thinking about how much he misses the other boy.
It's like a small weight on Jonah's chest pressing it down, this feeling of awkwardness as if something's not quite right. Jonah has heard people moan on before about how sometimes it feels as if a limb is missing, but it's not quite like that. It's more like Jonah's walked into his bedroom and a single object has moved place, he knows something has changed but that doesn't mean that he can put his finger on it.
Jonah has spend the past few days trying to ignore these thoughts, trying to push them back into the recesses of his mind. It's not that he doesn't want to acknowledge them but he is worried about the consequences if he does because despite his best attempts Jonah still can't get the image of his body pressed against Daniel's out of his mind, can't forget the way it felt, and that's what scares Jonah the most.
It should be easier than this, Jonah realises, he should have a simple answer to a simple question. Does he like Daniel? Before Jonah would have said that it could only be a yes or no answer but there's a part of him that is slowly starting to stop believing that. Because Jonah doesn't know.
He pictures Daniel in front of him, tries to push away the swell of affection that rises within him as nothing more than a friendly feeling but it's no use. Jonah can't deny the confusion within him every time he thinks about Daniel. Jonah would love everything in the world to be black and white, but he can't help but think that he's stumbled into a grey area. Jonah has no idea how he feels. All he knows is that his feelings for Daniel are starting to become a little less friendly and a little more, something else. Something that Jonah can't quite put his finger on.
The Daniel that Jonah is imagining looks much the same as the Daniel saw yesterday, or the day before. But Jonah notices that his Daniel is stood a little taller, is smiling a little wider. Jonah is starting to realise that that's all he wants to really accomplish is to make Daniel happy. And maybe that's the answer.
Jonah's mind is still buzzing with the idea of that's not all. He feels like he keeps on edging closer to figuring everything out and then it moves two steps further away. His thoughts are tangled and all that he can figure out through the mess is that there's no way he can keep on acting this way with Daniel, no way he can put up with this stupid wall that seems to have formed between the two of them.
Of course Jonah knows that the root of the problem is. A Saturday afternoon, a match, a kiss. And if his thoughts were dancing around before then they've come to a standstill now. If Jonah closes his eyes for anything more than a moment then he sees the scene replaying in front of him again and again. And the thoughts bubble up all over again. The certainty, then confusion and the overwhelming feeling of the unknown. It's another grey area, and Jonah isn't sure what to make of that.
Jonah shakes his head, he can't let his thoughts stray there, he won't let himself.
Jonah grabs a book from his bedside table and begins to flick through the pages, hoping some of the words will catch his attention. But his thoughts are long gone into the land of not so make believe, and even Narnia can't lure them back.
Placing the book back on the stand, Jonah tosses over so that he is now facing the wall and closes his eyes. He brings his hands to his eyes and tries to wipe away the memories. He can't like Daniel, he just can't. Jonah has discovered before that there's a fine line between friendship and something more, but it was a line he never thought he'd cross with Daniel.
But now it Jonah sways between dancing on the line and being so far past it he can't see it anymore and he doesn't know what to do.
It's easy when Jonah thinks about it in black and white. Some people like girls. Some people like boys. Some people like both. But when Jonah thinks about it like that he doesn't know where on earth he fits in. He's in yet another grey area, and that appears to be complicating everything, no matter how much Jonah tries to stop it from doing so. Because Jonah likes girls. And Jonah might possibly like Daniel. But he doesn't like boys. So where does that leave him?
xxx
Daniel knocks on the door with a bunch of flowers in his hand and wonders what the hell has happened to his life.
The door is flung open by Jonah who stands with a pair of novelty pyjama bottoms slung low on his hips and startled look on his face.
"Hey," he says casually.
"I like the elves."
Jonah looks confused, then glances down at his pyjama bottoms.
"They were a gift," he explains, "and they're really comfy so you're not allowed to judge."
Daniel simply shrugs.
"Who said anything about judging? I think they look great on you, although I'm not so sure about the slippers."
"Are you telling me you don't like fluffy bunny slippers?"
"I happen to own a matching pair myself; I'm just saying they don't seem like your sort of thing."
"Well don't judge a book by its cover."
It only appears to be then that Jonah takes in Daniel in his entirety. Including the flowers. Daniel tries to hide his blush.
"Are those for me?"
"My mum wanted me to give them to you for saying thank you for coming to see me after all that stuff with Harry."
"Oh," Jonah says taking them from Daniel's grip, "it was no problem."
"Still, thanks."
Daniel tries to stop the blush from spreading further though his cheeks and averts his gaze away from Jonah so that Jonah cannot see his embarrassment.
"You wanna come inside?"
"Sure," Daniel replies, "but I can't stay for long, I gotta be back for tea."
"Dweeb."
"Shut up, my mum makes the best chicken pie."
Daniel follows Jonah into the house, he expects to be lead to the lounge but Jonah bypasses that room entirely, leading Daniel up the stairs and into his bedroom. Daniel flickers his eyes around the room and hovers in the doorway.
Daniel can't say that he's put much thought into what Jonah's room might look like and so Daniel has no previous ideas in his head. He likes the room though, and every single crevice seems to scream Jonah Clarke. Band posters are plastered around the walls and a shelf lines one side of the room, stocked to the brim with CDs and vinyl. A desk is pushed to one side, several pieces of paper strewn across it and a teddy bear duvet is spread across Jonah's bed.
"Take a seat," Jonah suggests.
Gingerly, Daniel perches on the swivel chair by Jonah's desk and spins around a few times.
"So," Daniel says, swinging around once again, "how are you feeling."
"Like shit," Jonah says simply, "my immune system doesn't seem to be working very well."
"Are you sure you're not being a bit dramatic?"
"Shut up."
As if on cue Jonah sneezes, Daniel expects it to be loud, but instead it is undeniably adorable, high pitched and the look on Jonah's face suggests that he is embarrassed.
"You have the cutest sneeze," Daniel announces.
"Shut up," Jonah says once again, lightly pushing Daniel's chair backwards.
"You can't deny the truth."
"I'm ill, it's not my fault."
"I never said it was a bad thing."
Jonah frowns when Daniel says that but he doesn't argue back. Instead Jonah leans back into the pillows and Daniel watches as he clutches the duvet tightly in his hand and pouts.
"I'm bored," Jonah whines.
Daniel shakes his head and laughs.
"Well entertain yourself then," Daniel replies simply.
"I can't exactly do that while you're here."
"Oh," Daniel says, "I didn't mean that."
"Watching you blush is the cutest thing."
Daniel scowls, unsure what to say for a few minutes. And then he's surprised by the confidence that suddenly comes over him.
"You say that as if you don't think about me whilst you're doing it."
The room is silent for a few moments as Jonah just opens and closes his mouth repeatedly.
"I never thought I'd hear anything like that come out of your mouth," Jonah manages eventually, "like seriously Daniel."
"My sheets just aren't as dirty as my mind yet."
"Daniel!"
"Whatever."
The room descends into silence once again and Daniel finds himself tapping out a rhythm on the desk.
"Can I have a hug?"
Jonah's query leaves Daniel taken aback.
"Why?"
"I'm ill and I want to feel loved."
"Who said anything about me loving you," Daniel replies, tries to keep the lightness in his tone.
"Well try and pretend that you do for a few minutes."
"How long do your hugs last?"
"Shut up Danny-Boy and wrap your arms around me."
Reluctantly Daniel perches on the edge of the bed, a few centimetres away from Jonah and awkwardly wraps his arms around him.
They sit there for a few brief moments and then Daniel detangles himself, desperate to cut away the awkwardness between them as quickly as he can. Daniel has several rules about the proper way to give a hug, and Jonah seems to be breaking every single one of them.
Once the pair are separated, Daniel tries to edge away but Jonah grabs his hand and refuses to let go so that the two are sat with their legs pressed against each other.
"Can you let me go?"
Jonah shakes his head simply leaving Daniel confused. The scene is so reminiscent of the kiss that Daniel has to take a moment to remind himself that this is not going to be a repeat of that, that Jonah isn't gay. That even if Jonah was, Daniel probably isn't even his type.
"Why not?"
"I want to try something."
"Like what?"
Jonah ducks his head and Daniel twists so that he can look the other boy face on. He wants to watch every expression that spreads across Jonah's face, feels that it's important he memories every reaction and emotion.
"It's a stupid idea."
Daniel feels his breath catch in his throat. Knows desperately what he wants Jonah to be referring too but knowing deep down that it's probably not.
"Sometimes they're the best ones," Daniel whispers.
"I'm not so sure."
"Try me."
"Can I kiss you?"
Daniel is pretty sure all the oxygen in the room just disappeared. Of course the answer is simple, but his mind is buzzing with all the problems. With the fact that Jonah has never mentioned the kiss since it happened, that perhaps this could just be a repeat of what happened before. But then Daniel remembers how much he likes Jonah, and decides that it's a chance worth taking.
"Why the hell not?"
xxx
Jonah isn't entirely sure what he expected Daniel's response to be. But there's something about those four words coming out of Daniel's mouth that gives Jonah another surge of confidence.
He leans in, places his lips on Daniel's. It's nothing more than a whisper of a kiss, but it says so much. Jonah tries to show his uncertainty, his confusion, his feelings. Tries to convert everything he's been thinking about for the past few days into a single soft kiss. Jonah pulls away and allows his gaze to trace the lines of Daniel's face, desperate to work out the other boy's reaction.
Jonah is taken aback when he feels Daniel's hands tugging him closer roughly. And when Daniel presses their lips together there's no doubt that if the one before was a whisper then this one was definitely a shout.
Subconsciously Jonah's hands wind around Daniel's neck before sliding upwards and tangling in his hair, tugging on the strands, urging Daniel for more. Daniel's hands lope around Jonah's neck, keeping their bodies pressed against one another's.
Jonah refuses to let his mind think about this for too long.
Jonah's fingers wind themselves around Daniel's coloured locks, trying to pull the boy impossibly closer. In Jonah's mind, there's nothing separating them, they're the one and the same. They're a grey area, and Jonah finds he doesn't mind it.
A small moan forms in Jonah's mouth and he pulls back to let himself breathe. He watches as Daniel's eyes flicker across his face. Jonah can only imagine what must be going through his mind right now. There's a few beats of silence, Jonah focuses on a spot on the wall just above Daniel's face.
"Wow," Daniel mutters eventually.
"Yeah."
"Wow," Daniel echoes.
"Yeah."
"So, is this the part where you recoil, curl up into a ball and force me to leave?" Daniel asks eventually.
Jonah notices that Daniel tries to keep his tone light, teasing, but there's definitely some worry underlining that. Jonah feels his heart beat faster, because yes he wants to kiss Daniel. But then what happens next?
"No," Jonah says, his voice sincere, "this is the part where I kiss you again. If that's okay with you?"
Daniel raises an eyebrow in disbelief.
"That's fine with me," Daniel murmurs, his cheeks flushing pink.
Jonah holds back for a brief moment, decides to take his time this time around. He places a light kiss at the corner of Daniel's mouth. Then another, more central this time. Daniel lets out a grumble of impatience but Jonah quickly silences him with another kiss, this one with more pressure. A few seconds and then Jonah pulls back once again. Daniel's fingers tangle in Jonah's hair, trying to pull him closer but Jonah carries on.
Jonah repeats that sequence once more before shuffling ever so slightly closer. His hands ball into fists around Daniel's shirt, pulling the boy towards him. And then Jonah is pressing his lips to Daniel's in a feverish manner, as if Daniel is the missing piece to a jigsaw that Jonah didn't even know was incomplete.
It's as if Jonah is seeing stars. Kissing Daniel is taking him to dizzying heights. It's like the anticipation when the roller-coaster is inching up the ascent. It's like the butterflies in the stomach before a first date.
Jonah feels like he's caught in a thunderstorm with nowhere to run. He's aware that this might be dangerous, he knows there are potentially terrible consequences but he wants to dance in the rain none the less. He's just glad that Daniel's there dancing with him, for however long the storm lasts.
The pair pull back once again; Jonah takes the opportunity to brush his nose lightly against Daniel's. The sweetest of touches, Jonah's not entirely sure what he's doing but he likes it none the less.
"You're a pretty good kisser," Daniel whispers.
"I bet you say that to all the boys."
"You say that like I'm some kind of player."
"What?" Jonah says, faux shock lacing his tone. "You're not?"
Daniel raises his eyebrows in an unimpressed fashion.
"I think you might have got the two of us confused."
"I'm not that much of a player."
"Sure Jonah, how many girls have you kissed this year."
"Thirteen girls, one boy."
Daniel's cheeks flush once again, and he dips his head down so as to avoid Jonah's gaze.
"You're such a cutie," Jonah murmurs.
"I bet you say that to everyone you kiss," Daniel replies, repeating Jonah's words from earlier.
"Just the exceptionally cute ones called Daniel," Jonah says.
He leans in and places another soft kiss on Daniel's mouth. Pulls back quickly before Daniel can respond.
"How long can you stay?"
Daniel's eyes flicker onto the clock on Jonah's bedside table and sighs.
"For like another thirty seconds, Mrs Perry is going to kill me if I don't turn up," Daniel admits.
The pair emit a sigh in unison before catching each other's eyes and smiling.
"Well I guess you better go then."
"Well I guess I better."
"I just realised you're probably going to get ill now."
"It was worth it," Daniel says a small smile gracing his face.
"I bet you say that to all the boys."
"Only the exceptionally sweet ones called Jonah."
"Oh god, you're such a dork Danny-Boy."
"You started it!"
The two sit in silence for a few moments before Daniel sighs once again.
"I really have to go."
"I'll miss you," Jonah replies jokingly.
"You better," Daniel says in much the same tone.
As Jonah closes the door behind Daniel he can't stop the smile that slides onto his face. He's not entirely sure what just happened, isn't entirely sure how it will all translate out into public. But whatever just happened, Jonah definitely enjoyed it.