Jonah Clarke Is Not Gay - Chapter 18: Chapter 18

Daniel can feel his palms sweating as he stands outside on the pavement. He checks his phone for what seems like the hundredth time in the past five minutes, desperately hoping that Charlie will have suddenly changed his mind. Daniel knows deep down that that's not going to be the case, but he still checks none the less.
He'd be lying if he said he wasn't checking to see if Jonah had texted too. Daniel isn't quite sure exactly what he wants Jonah to say, if there's anything Jonah can say that will help smooth over last night. But Daniel hates the silence between them. Is so used to a constant stream of conversation, be it in real life or through the phone, that his fingers are itching to type out a message. Daniel briefly considers apologising, but he's refusing to give in this time.
You did nothing wrong, Daniel reminds himself, you did nothing wrong.
The words flow through his mind until they coat every single thought. And for once Daniel knows they're true. If Jonah is going to get pissed at Daniel for refusing to take advantage of him then Jonah is a bigger idiot than Daniel thought he was.
Daniel stares up at the sign above his head and tries to plaster a fake smile onto his face before pushing open the door of the shop.
It doesn't take him long to spot Charlie. The other boy is sprawled in one of the corner booths, looking much the same as he did the last time Daniel saw him. Not that that's a memory that Daniel is fond to recall. His brown hair is tousled atop his head, almond eyes looking up as soon as he hears the bell ring above the door upon Daniel's entry.
Charlie offers up a smile but Daniel does not return it.
You did nothing wrong, Daniel thinks to himself. The line seems to be as applicable here as it is with Jonah.
"Hey," Charlie's voice is confident.
"Hi," Daniel's is not.
Daniel takes a seat opposite Charlie, perching on the edge of the seat. Daniel is prepared to get up and walk away soon, he has no idea how long he can last.
The pair say nothing for a while and Daniel takes the opportunity to analyse the situation. He's surprised to find that any attraction he had to Charlie beforehand has disappeared, replaced by a sense of long-term bitterness, some disappointment and a hell of a lot of fear.
"You okay?"
Daniel gazes at the table top when Charlie begins to speak. He knows he should give a standard answer but he can't help the bite that laces his words when he replies.
"Well you know nobody's pretended to be gay and then screwed me over recently so y'know, I'm pretty good."
Charlie ducks his head in embarrassment before clearing his throat awkwardly.
"That's... uhm, good then I guess."
Silence descends once again; Daniel feels his knee begin to bounce up and down under the table. He has no idea what to say or do, he was expecting Charlie to lead conversation but it appears the other boy is just as lost as he is.
"I'll go grab us something," Charlie says.
Daniel begins to tell Charlie what he wants but is soon cut off.
"Relax Dan, I know what you want."
Daniel is half tempted to change his order just to prove some sort of imaginary point but instead he simply nods. Offers Charlie a half hearted smile of thanks before returning his haze to the table.
From: Zachatron
How's it going?
To: Zachatron
Well I haven't slapped him and he hasn't pulled out a video camera yet so...
From: Zachatron
I'm almost tempted to say this has been a success
Daniel smiles slightly before sliding his phone back into his pocket just as Charlie returns to the table.
"One triple chocolate brownie cupcake," Charlie announces, placing it in front of Daniel.
"And let me guess," Daniel replies, "one banoffee muffin with caramel butter icing?"
"You know me so well."
Daniel looks down at the table, tries to remind himself why the pair of them are here. That they're not friends anymore.
"Why did you ask me to meet up?"
Those eight words are enough to make Charlie place his cupcake back on the table. He opens and closes his mouth a few times as if he's not sure of the best way to answer that question.
"It's complicated."
"I think I deserve a better answer than that."
"It started when you texted me about what a dick I was," Charlie states.
"It actually wasn't me who sent that."
Charlie's eyebrow quirks upwards in surprise but he doesn't question it further.
"Well this is gonna make me sound like the biggest dickhead ever but I had no idea who you were. I've done some pretty shitty things in my life, I mean nothing as bad as if I did to you, but there are lots of people who aren't exactly my fans and I couldn't place your name for a moment. And then I realised that it was true, that I was a dick and I guess I just wanted to meet up with you to tell you that I know now what a dick I was."
"That's it?"
"What do you mean?"
"You asked me to meet up so you could tell me that you acted like a dick towards me? Charlie I didn't need you to confirm that for me. I've known that since it happened, believe it or not I form opinions of you without needing to run them by you."
"I don't feel like I'm phrasing this properly."
"Well try again then."
"I know I can't make that shit up to you, what I did was fucking awful. But I'm just saying that if I could make it up to you, then I fucking would."
"Good to know," Daniel mutters, bitterness seeping in.
"Look Daniel what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry."
xxx
Jonah is pretty sure he's never been this hung over in his life. Right now he can barely open his eyes without the light blinding him and he's pretty sure that someone is currently screaming in his ear.
"Shut up," Jonah tells the mystery person.
The pad of footsteps on the floor gives Jonah some hope that maybe they're finally going to leave him alone but the screaming still doesn't stop.
And then suddenly it does and he feels the bed dip slightly beside him.
"It was your alarm idiot."
Ruth's voice makes Jonah seize up, there's no way she's not going to be pissed about last night, no matter what Jonah says.
She doesn't seem pissed though. Instead she forces Jonah into a sitting position and hands him painkillers and a glass of water. She watches on icily as he downs them before taking the cup back off of him.
"You've got an hour and a half to get yourself looking presentable," Ruth says, "it's Marina's wedding today don't forget."
It seems that Jonah had forgotten as he lets out a loud groan and throws himself back into the pillows.
"Also I hope you're better after what happened last night, I don't know what was up with you but I hope you're not feeling as bad today, you seemed like shit last night when you made me make everyone leave."
Jonah feels his heart stop beating as the mention of last night cuts through the fog and it all comes rushing back to him.
"Fuck," he says, "oh shit, fuck, shit."
Jonah scrambles out of bed faster than he would have thought in his hung-over state and embraces the toilet like it's a long lost friend. He sits back slightly when he's sure he's not going to be sick anymore and rests his head against the cold tile surface, expletives being murmured under his breath.
Jonah can't deny the fact that he's fucked up majorly this time, definitely worse than he ever has done before. And the memories of Daniel's body hovering above his, of desperate touches in the dark, are enough to make Jonah throw up all over again until there's nothing left inside of him but guilt, settled in his stomach likes it's all he's eaten for weeks.
"Easy there," Ruth murmurs, "it was definitely a rough night then?"
Jonah can't convert his thoughts into words. He's lost in last night, lying on the bed desperate to tell what all this really means to him, running down the stairs wondering how everything went so wrong, stood in the kitchen cursing himself for every stupid word that comes out of his mouth.
He can hear himself shouting, every word emblazoned on his brain like a shitty tattoo. An unwelcome reminder of everything that happened, everything that Jonah regrets.
And yet Jonah knows that he can take none of it back, because everything he said was true. It is exhausting to be friends with Daniel, because Jonah spends every moment questioning every decision he makes. Jonah cares. And that's something that absolutely terrifies him. Because if Jonah cares, then that makes it all too easy for him to hurt Daniel, and Daniel doesn't deserve that. It just seems that in an effort to stop himself from ever hurting Daniel, Jonah has managed to hurt him none the less.
Jonah almost pulls out his phone to type out a reply but he stops himself from doing so. Things are probably better this way. Jonah doesn't want to be another Charlie, fuck, he doesn't know what he wants and yet he knows that. And he's well aware that Daniel shouldn't be involved in Jonah figuring this mess out. It's just a pity that by the time Jonah realised this, Daniel was already too tangled up in it all.
Ruth rubs soothing circles into Jonah's back and all Jonah can think about it him doing the same to Daniel when he first found out about Charlie. And then the guilt swallows him once again. How is he any different? How did he hurt Daniel any less?
"He started to become flirty, like he wasn't telling me he liked me, it was more suggestiveness and little innuendoes. And all this time he's continuing to be my friend and I guess I find myself falling for him."
Daniel's words echo through Jonah's brain and the same question floods his mind over and over again until Jonah is inundated with the thought. How am I any different? How am I any better?
"It's all going to be okay," Ruth murmurs quietly, clutching Jonah to her and running a hand through his hair, "it'll all be fine."
"Sorry," Jonah manages to croak, "guess I just drank a bit too much last night."
Ruth pulls back slightly and offers Jonah a single raised eyebrow of disbelief.
"You don't expect me to believe that that was a side effect of the drinking? I'm not stupid Jonah, I don't know what the fuck happened last night, but I'm sure it's not as bad as you think it is."
Jonah shrugs, avoiding the underlying question that he knows Ruth wants the answer to. What happened last night? Jonah knows he can't tell her though, not when he barely even knows the answer himself.
"You going to be okay?"
Jonah nods, he doesn't trust himself to voice his reply aloud without making it obvious he's lying.
"I'll let you get ready then."
Jonah pulls on his clothes, brushes his teeth, run a comb through his hair but pays attention to none of it. He can't tug himself away from Daniel, every time he looks at his bed the memories start once again until Jonah isn't sure he knows what oxygen is anymore.
The feel of Daniel's hips pressed flush against Jonah's, of Daniel's lips firm against his, they haunt Jonah until he's convinced he's never going to be able to feel anything else. And through it all the same few questions ricochet around Jonah's brain, back and forth, back and forth, driving him insane.
How could he fuck everything up so badly? Why did he get himself into this mess? Why do I want to kiss him again?
xxx
The silence surrounding the table has lasted too long for it to be anywhere near comfortable. After Charlie's apology, Daniel can't find the right words to say. He knows what his mother would say, that he should be polite and accept it but Daniel can't bring himself to do that. Why does Charlie deserve his forgiveness? Especially when Daniel has spend the past year convinced that Charlie was right about everything, has spend the past year telling himself that he was absolutely worthless.
"Thank you for your apology," Daniel eventually musters up the courage to say, "I don't accept it, but thank you."
Daniel watches as shock crosses Charlie's face. Daniel presumes that Charlie had expected this to be easy. That he'd apologise, Daniel would accept it and then the two of them could move on but Daniel is too hurt to go along with that, can't pretend that sorry is even beginning to make up for any of it.
"Okay..." Charlie says, "fair enough I suppose."
Quietness descends once again and Daniel finds himself ripping his cupcake wrapper into lots of tiny little pieces. He's restless, uncomfortable and Daniel truly wants nothing more than to get out of there, get the hell away from Charlie. He doesn't want to be rude though and so he tries to find a topic of conversation.
"You still run?" Daniel asks.
He doesn't really care but it's something to say.
"Yeah."
Silence once again. Daniel looks up at Charlie to see if Charlie is finding this just as uncomfortable as he is only to find Charlie looking right back at him. The two of them both let out nervous laughter before both of their gazes flicker away.
"You still play video games?"
"Of course."
"And I can see you're still dying your hair."
"I actually haven't in a while; the red's starting to fade so I'm due a change."
"What are you changing too?"
Daniel doesn't think that Charlie really wants to know but it's conversation none the less and so Daniel agrees to go along with it.
"Blue I think."
"How come?"
"Someone told me it'd bring out the colour of my eyes."
Daniel can't stop the blush that stains his cheeks as thoughts of Jonah come rushing back to him. He tries to banish any memories of last night, of kisses and arguments and everything slowly falling apart.
"New boyfriend?" Charlie asks.
Daniel can't help but let out a snort of laughter.
"Friend," Daniel corrects before thinking about it, "well sort of... I don't really know anymore."
"Sounds complicated."
"My life never seems to be anything else."
"So this friend... am I allowed to know more?"
"There's not much to tell."
"I've got a feeling that's not quite the case."
"And why should I tell you?" Daniel asks, bite unintentionally coating his question. "I mean you don't seem to be a great role model for successful friendships, you called me a friend once after all."
Charlie winces as if Daniel has wounded him and Daniel resists the urge to reach across the table and slap him. If Charlie thinks that hurts then he should try being on the receiving end of the chaos he caused.
"I deserved that," Charlie admits, "just thought you might like an outside opinion."
"I think I'm fine."
"Okay."
"Okay."
Daniel sighs, desperate to dispel the awkwardness that is back. There's some hostility lingering in the air and Daniel feels like the two of them are right back to where they started this morning.
"His name's Jonah, I thought he was gay and so I asked him out."
Expecting Charlie to laugh, Daniel stares at the table intently instead he looks up to find Charlie with a neutral expression on his face.
"Good to know I didn't ruin your ability to do that completely then," Charlie says jokingly.
Daniel isn't entirely sure what to say and so instead he simply lets out a muffled noise of agreement.
"Well at least third time's a charm," Charlie tells Daniel after a few moments.
"What?"
"Well you asked out me, and then you asked out Jonah and both of us have turned out not to be gay so the next guy should actually be."
"I'm not sure it works like that."
"Maybe not," Charlie sighs.
Daniel shuffles in his seat and tries to search for something else to say, wracks his brain for anything he can remember about Charlie that is unlikely to start a fight between the pair of them.
"Thanks for meeting up with me today," Charlie says eventually, "if it was me I probably would have said no."
"I almost did," Daniel admits, "then realised if I didn't do it now then I was never going to do it."
"Would that have been a bad thing?"
"I didn't want to spend the rest of my life being scared of you."
"You were scared of me?"
"Not of you specifically, more of everything you seemed to represent."
A questioning look crosses Charlie's face and Daniel realises that he is about to be asked to explain. He does so before Charlie can even get the question out.
"You made me think that nobody could ever love me for me, made me think I was stupid, worthless, ugly. You told me I was all those things. In my mind you represent the entire population, and guess what, they all think that. I guess I'm scared of everybody thinking that about me, and after you said it to my face, it all seemed a little bit more true."
"Look Daniel I didn't mean those things, I was young and stupid -"
"Being young has nothing to do with it."
"I was sixteen, I didn't know better."
"That's the shittiest excuse I've ever heard. Surely you knew better than to make someone feel like absolute shit? Than to make someone feel absolutely worthless to the point where they think no one will ever care about them? You knew how I felt, you knew about how Marcus made me feel and yet you're telling me that there was no part of you that felt bad or thought it was wrong what you were doing to me?"
"Like I said I was stupid."
Suddenly Daniel is angry. Sick of people offering him half-hearted apologies, wrapped in terrible excuses. And he's sick of letting people walk all over him, is sick of letting them think that what they do is okay.
"Fuck you Charlie Martin, fuck your apology. Young and stupid is the kind of excuse cowards use who can't admit they were wrong all along."
xxx
All Jonah wants to do right now is sleep.
He's sat apart from the rest of the reception party, carefully keeping to the shadows so that no one will try to convince him to dance. The music coming through the speakers is enough to make Jonah swear off ever drinking again, if this is the consequences then he doesn't want to risk it in the future.
Jonah toys his phone between his fingers. Nervously tapping on the phone case as if just touching the damn thing can make Daniel forgive him. He unlocks the phone, opens up his texts and stares at the screen for the longest time. Jonah wants to type out an apology but he knows that there is nothing he could say that could possibly make up for his actions last night, Jonah would have to use an entire dictionary's worth of words to even begin to convey how he feels.
Hips rolling against one another, shirts flying across the room. The memories are back and this time Jonah lets them wash over him, allows himself for a moment to pretend that he's still in Daniel's embrace.
Jonah knows that it's dangerous to indulge his imagination in this way but he can't find the strength to stop himself. He's happy to let his thoughts drift into dangerous territory so long as he can almost convince himself that everything between Daniel and him is perfectly okay. Of course Jonah knows it isn't, but he lets himself believe it. Let's himself believe that when he walks into school on Monday morning everything will work out okay.
Then Jonah realises that Monday morning is when his decision really will become clear, when he needs to decide exactly which side is on. Whether hurting Daniel is really something Jonah can ever contemplate himself doing.
Ruth perches on the seat next to Jonah and crosses her legs in front of herself.
"So are you going to tell me why you threw the damn party?" Ruth asks. "Because I've been puzzling over it for a few hours now and I still can't figure out the solution."
"What do you mean?"
"I know you Jonah, you're my little brother so you can't get anything by me. You only throw parties and get that drunk when there's something up. You threw one last year when mum and dad said they wouldn't be home for Christmas, you threw one when Granddad died. So go on... what happened this time?"
Jonah avoids the question and instead combats it with one of his own.
"Do you think I fuck everything up?"
"What do you mean?"
"It just seems like lately I try to solve problems and end up causing even more," Jonah explains, "just feels like all I do is make everything worse, like no matter how hard I try I just fuck up time and time again."
"Maybe it's cause you were trying to solve a problem that wasn't even there to begin with."
"Why do I feel like you're talking about something specific?"
"Why do I feel like you are?"
"Cause I am," Jonah admits.
"Ditto," Ruth replies.
"I really did fuck everything up," Jonah says.
"Well then you better unfuck it all."
"I don't think it's that simple."
"Only cause you're making it seem that way. Look, whatever happened between you and Daniel..."
"How do you know I'm talking about me and Daniel?"
"I've known you your entire life Jonah Anthony Clarke, and as soon as I mentioned Daniel this morning you looked like I'd punched you in the gut. Is that why you threw the party?"
Jonah shakes his head.
"Well then what the hell is going on between the two of you?"
"It's complicated."
"That boy's in love with you," Ruth tells Jonah, "so stop fucking around. Stop flirting. You don't want him so just make that clear."
Jonah flinches at that because Ruth makes it all sound so simple. And if Jonah knew what his feelings were with complete and utter certainty then it all would be. But as it is Jonah seems to oscillate between being sure he wants to announce how he feels about Daniel to the world and wanting to run away from it all.
"He deserves better than being left to wonder what the hell is going on," Ruth continues.
He deserves better than you, Jonah thinks to himself.
Daniel terrifies Jonah because he has more power than he knows. Daniel has the ability to bring Jonah's entire world crashing down in a few seconds either by announcing their relationship to everyone or by telling Jonah he doesn't care. Right now Jonah isn't entirely sure which one would be worse.
While Jonah finds himself fluctuating between his feelings he can't give Daniel a straight yes or no answer. Finds himself flirting and then pulling away. Finds himself confronting his fears and then having his screams come out as words shaped like knives. And while Jonah feels like this he knows that he doesn't deserve Daniel. Daniel deserves steadfast and dependant, someone who is as sure of his feelings as Daniel is. Someone who knows what they want and isn't afraid of it.
Someone who isn't Jonah.
Jonah knows what he has to do. Knows that an apology will not be suffice and that he can't say it anyway. Jonah knows he has to retreat, has to stop himself from getting any closer. Either has to lay all his cards on the table or stop playing the game.
Jonah Clarke needs to admit everything or he needs to get ready to run.