Jonah Clarke Is Not Gay - Chapter 20: Chapter 20

Daniel knows that something is up when Isaac is insistent that they go the fair. Especially when he knows that Isaac hates both rides and candyfloss with a passion, so really, there's no reason for him to want to go.
But they're walking through the entrance none the less, and Daniel is really beginning to wish that he was anywhere but here.
"Why did we have to come again?"
"It's an annual tradition."
"We've never been before," Daniel points out.
"Exactly," Isaac replies, "it's an annual tradition starting from this year."
"You don't like rides."
"Well maybe that's changed."
Daniel shakes his head but follows behind Isaac none the less. Daniel may not want to be here, but that doesn't mean that he wants to get lost in the crowd, getting separated from Isaac can only serve to make this situation so much worse.
"Come on Dan," Isaac says, "at least try to have fun. I mean there's food and entertainment and you can even be my wingman for the evening if you really want to."
"And why would I want to do that?"
"Because you're my best friend and you don't want me to die alone?"
"You're seventeen Isaac."
"Exactly, time is ticking."
Daniel simply rolls his eyes in reply but he begins to survey the fairground none the less. It looks surprisingly permanent considering it was set up just yesterday, and Daniel is reminded of just why he used to love the fair when he was younger. The idea of something popping up so unexpectedly, with little advance warning. As if it wasn't there and then suddenly, it was. A little piece of magic trapped inside a farmer's field. Of course Daniel knows now that it's not quite like that, that there are signs up a few weeks in advance but the magic seems to have somehow still remained, dusted over the carousel and the Ferris wheel as if it it's an overcoat of paint.
"How about her," Daniel gestures towards a figure stood a few metres away from them; a petite brunette that Daniel knows fits Isaac's type, "she's cute."
"She also has a boyfriend."
"How the hell can you tell?"
"That's Tasha Markey, she used to live on my street remember."
"Hell she's changed. It must have been years since I saw her last."
Isaac rolls his eyes and tugs Daniel along after him as he begins to walk away; apparently their destination has already been predetermined.
"Will you please stop reminiscing and help me find a girlfriend," Isaac says, "I mean get your priorities straight."
"Sorry, and I already told you I could set you up with someone."
"You said you could set me up with Jonah's co-worker who is supposedly the most terrifying girl on the planet."
"She's not that bad," Daniel says, "she's really funny."
"And according to Jonah totally out of my league."
"I'm sorry if we're talking out of your league then we need to have a discussion about Alice."
"Alice is not out of my league," Isaac insists.
"Awww honey, that's sweet."
Isaac pouts and looks genuinely hurt at Daniel's comment.
"You seriously think she's out of my league?"
"I feel like the two of you are playing different sports."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"As in she's probably in your league, but she didn't seem to realise that you wanted what you wanted. I would say you were friendzoned but I don't think you were even friends."
"I'm not sure I've ever been more insulted."
"Aww honey, that's sweet," Daniel repeats.
"Well it's all being revealed tonight isn't it."
Daniel simple laughs at Isaac in reply, steps out of Isaac's reach to avoid being jabbed in the ribs.
"You still love me," Daniel sings.
"I do. No homo though," Isaac replies jokingly.
"Who are you kidding?"
"You're right. All the homo."
"Setting homo to maximum," Daniel says, his tone light, "now entering the homo zone."
"I don't think our friendship is normal."
"Aw honey, that's sweet."
"Is that your new catchphrase or something?" Isaac asks sounding unimpressed.
"Maybe, there's something about it that I quite like."
"Can I suggest that we get rid of it, it makes you sounds like an idiot."
"Thanks for your feedback, I really appreciate your opinion however you are not my mother and therefore cannot make decisions for me."
"You're seventeen Dan, your mother should not be making decisions for you."
"Well then who the hell is? Cause I'm sure as hell not ready to start doing so."
Isaac rolls his eyes and sidesteps around several groups of small children. Daniel has no idea where the two of them are heading but Isaac seems to have someplace in mind and so Daniel decides to just trust in Isaac's choices.
"You're the most indecisive person I know," Isaac agrees, "which is why you're a pain to go shopping with."
"I'm not that bad."
"You spent thirty minutes stood in Next trying to decide between which shade of blue your tie for prom should be."
"Yeah, and like three people complimented me on my tie."
"They were the same shade of blue!"
"Nuh-uh, the labels said they weren't."
"They were both dark blue Daniel, and nothing you say can convince me otherwise."
The two of them are now stood bickering in front of the Ferris Wheel and Daniel tries desperately to quash the excitement that rises inside of him when he realises this.
"What's the plan?" He asks.
"Well seen as though we're stood in front of the Ferris Wheel," Isaac says slowly, as if he's unsure.
"Seriously? You'll actually go on it with me this time."
"I'm not an idiot Dan, and I don't want you complaining about it for the rest of the evening."
"You're the best."
And with that Daniel disappears into the line, leaving Isaac to trail behind him in a much more reluctant fashion.
But Daniel doesn't care, because Daniel loves Ferris Wheels.
xxx
"Lighten up," Liam says, not for the first time this evening, "the only rule for tonight is that you're not allowed to think about Daniel for the entire evening. I am banning him from conversation and from your mind, tonight is a Daniel free night. You're going to have a good time, even if I have to paint a smile on your face."
Jonah looks up unimpressed.
"I still think fairgrounds are stupid."
"And I still think your opinion is stupid, plus, Penny asked me to visit her tonight and I'm a good boyfriend. So get your shit together and let's go."
The car ride to the fairground consists of Jonah staring out of the window and Liam singing along to the radio in an out of tune fashion. Jonah is almost relieved when they finally arrive, almost.
It's not so much that Jonah hates fairgrounds. In fact, he thinks they're great but only if you're a little kid. Now the rides just aren't quite fast enough and he spends his time being more concerned about how structurally sound they are rather than whether they can go faster.
The scent of grease greets their nostrils, lingering in the air from the hundreds of hot dogs and burgers that are being consumed. The place is packed and Jonah latches a finger around the strap of Liam rucksack in order not to lose him. The only way this ordeal could get worse is if Jonah was alone.
"So I know you don't want to talk about Daniel," Liam begins.
"What happened to this being a Daniel free evening?"
"Let me finish."
"Fine," Jonah sighs.
"So I know you don't want to talk about Daniel, but do you wanna talk about Elle?"
A quick shake of Jonah's head is enough to answer Liam's question but Jonah still feels like he hasn't got the point across entirely.
"Definitely not."
"Fine then."
The pair are silent as they push their way through the crowds, finally stopping when Liam spots a Hook A Duck.
"Bet I can hook more ducks than you," Liam challenges.
"God Liam, how immature are you?"
"You're just worried you're gonna get your ass beat."
"Fine. Just know that I'm about to thrash you."
"God Jonah, how immature are you?"
"Hey you wanted to take Hook A Duck seriously, so prepare for the consequences."
"I think you're all talk, no skill."
"Oh... it's on."
In all honesty Jonah hasn't played Hook A Duck in a good few years but how hard can it be? Jonah's prepared to do whatever it takes, especially with Liam so convinced that he's not going to be any good.
Jonah hands over his money to the attendant, determination written all over his face.
"Bring it on Miller."
"Right back at ya, Clarke."
Worry starts to settle in as soon as Liam's rod latches onto a duck on the first go. And then when Jonah's first attempt manages to catch nothing, he realises that he's going to lose. It turns out there is a lot more to Hook A Duck than just pure determination, and Jonah most definitely does not have the skills required to be good at it. Liam on the other hand has managed to capture three in the three attempts allowed.
Liam turns to the attendant with an excited expression on his face.
"What do I win?"
"Congratulation," the attendant doesn't even attempt to inject enthusiasm into his tone, "you win one of our balloons."
Somehow Liam's excitement manages to remain as he surveys the collection on offer as if he's choosing which universities he wants to apply to rather than merely picking out a balloon.
"Jonah! Which one should I get?"
Jonah looks up briefly and shrugs.
"I don't really care."
"You're just pissed cause you're shit at this."
"I let you win," Jonah replies jokingly.
"I don't think that that's even possible with this game."
"Whatever. Just pick one."
After finally selecting a balloon a few minutes later, Liam bounds over to Jonah with a lion balloon lingering just above his head, its string grasped firmly in his hand.
"A lion?"
"I'm Liam the lion."
"Nobody calls you that."
"Well they should," Liam replies, "and his name is Luca."
"Good to know," Jonah mumbles, "where to now then?"
Liam cocks his head to the side as he thinks and Jonah begins to tap his foot impatiently.
"The Ferris Wheel," Liam decides a few moments later, "I mean we have to go on that, it's like fairground etiquette."
Jonah simply sighs. He doesn't really care what they do, and the Ferris Wheel isn't the worst thing in the fairground after all.
"Fine."
The pair meander their way through the park, the Ferris Wheel growing larger as they approach it.
But when Jonah sees who is at the back of the line he wants to turn around and run away as far and as quickly as possible.
"Liam, can we go on something else?"
Liam appears confused by Jonah's request and Jonah gestures desperately at where Daniel is stood, completely oblivious to Jonah stood nearby.
"Man up already," Liam says, "it's not going to kill you to have to stand next to him for a few minutes. We're not going to be waiting long anyway."
Jonah still desperately wants to know but he's got a feeling that there's no way that Liam is going to let him. And so Jonah musters up the limited courage he has and walks towards where Daniel is stood in the queue.
Deciding that pretending he doesn't know Daniel is there is the best way forward Jonah begins to talk to Liam quietly.
"Where did you tell Penny you'd meet her?"
"By the Waltzers," Liam replies, "that's where she's working tonight. She gets a break at eight so I'll probably go meet her then."
"Leaving me all on my lonesome."
"I'm sure you'll survive."
"I'll blame you if I don't."
Jonah spots the exact moment that Daniel realises how close the pair of them are. Jonah watches as the other's boy spine straightens slightly and he looks covertly over his shoulder.
So much for a Daniel free evening.
xxx
Daniel can't believe that this is happening. He's not sure what he's done but it must be something bad for karma to be coming back to bite him in the ass like this.
"Isaac," Daniel hisses, trying to be secretive, "have you seen who the fuck is behind us?"
Rather than looking subtly like a normal person would, Isaac has no reservations about whirling around to look at Jonah, making eye contact with him before turning back around.
"Oh," Isaac says, "shit."
"Yeah," Daniel agrees, "any ideas."
"Wait it out? I mean do you really want to miss out on going on the Ferris Wheel just because of him."
Daniel shakes his head.
"Well then we're going to stay. Plus if we left now, Jonah would know it was because of him and trust me; his ego will explode if we inflate it that much."
Daniel nods, Isaac has a point after all. And so Daniel stays still and tries to stop himself from looking at Jonah out of the corner of his eye. He needs a distraction and watching the lights of the Ferris Wheel spin round up above him almost seems to provide that.
The line shuffles forward and Daniel is at the front now. Not long, he reminds himself, just a little bit longer.
The Ferris Wheel shifts round a little bit further, another carriage being emptied out and then Daniel is being ushered forward.
"You lot a group of four?" The attendant asks.
"No," Isaac says, "we're a pair."
The attendant waves them forward. Daniel settles into the seat with a sigh of relief, he's free, he's survived. And now he just has to manage to avoid Jonah for the rest of the evening. How hard can it be?
Daniel soon finds out the answer to his question when the attendant looks at Jonah and waves him past too.
"Minimum of four to a carriage," the attendant says.
It would appear that it's going to be pretty damn difficult to avoid Jonah Clarke for the rest of the evening.
Daniel is relieved when Isaac moves over to sit next to him, avoiding a potentially awkward situation. Of course Daniel knows that there is no way that simply moving is going to solve the problem entirely but every little bit helps after all.
Jonah and Liam sit down in silence, and the car is still quiet when the ride lurches them into the air.
Daniel has always loved the sense of freedom that a Ferris Wheel offers them. He knows it sounds stupid, what's free about hanging midair in a metal cage but Daniel can't help but adore the way that he feels like just for a few moments he's left his problems behind, can't help but love the way that the city begins to look tiny beneath him. Yet another reminder that the world is so much bigger than the one Daniel currently exists in. But with Jonah sat opposite him, their knees so close together that they're almost touching, Daniel isn't sure he's ever fault more claustrophobic.
It's the walls that go first. They feel like they're closing in on him, pushing him closer to Jonah inch by inch. Then it's the roof, collapsing down on top of the carriage until Daniel can't help but count it as a miracle that he's still breathing. Daniel has been through this countless times before and so he reminds himself to breathe deeply, to focus on a spot on the wall across from him, to just stay calm.
Daniel knows the exact moment that Isaac realises what is happening. His hand makes its way into Daniel's and gives it a light squeeze before pulling away. Daniel can tell that Isaac is trying to keep his movements subtle and for that Daniel is grateful.
Inhale, exhale. Daniel reminds himself. He tries to match his breathing to those two words. Tries to match their rhythm but it's no use. He can feel the beat slipping away from him, quickening in time until Daniel is racing to catch up. His breathing erratic, tears starting to fog in front of his eyes.
He can't stop the gasp that escapes him, a desperate scream for air to enter his lungs.
Isaac's hand is on his shoulder, murmuring gentle words under his breath. Through the haze he's in, Daniel can't quite make out what they are but he tries to focus on them, tries to let them lure him back to normality.
Inhale, exhale.
Daniel knows he should try to think about things over than his need to breathe but he's finding it difficult, it seems the car offers very limited material.
Daniel doesn't want to blame anybody for making him like this, but he can't help but blame Jonah just a little bit. After all, it was Jonah who showered him with compliments, Jonah who struck him with strange feelings, wrong feelings; it was Jonah who acted like it was reciprocated.
It was Jonah that ripped the carpet out from under Daniel's feet, sending everything falling to the ground.
Someone has placed their hand on the small of Daniel's back and is rubbing circles soothingly.
"It'll all be okay, it'll all be fine. I promise."
The blood is rushing in Daniel's ears and he doesn't know who the words belong to but he tries to tether himself to them, tries to convince himself that they're true. That it's all okay, that it's all going to be fine.
"It'll all be okay." Inhale. "It'll all be fine." Exhale. "I promise."
Slowly the walls expand just a little bit, the ceiling no longer feels like it's trying to trap him and Daniel feels air rush into him.
It'll all be okay. It'll all be fine. Daniel tells himself.
Looking up Daniel comes face to face with a concerned looking Jonah, whose lips quirk up suddenly into a lopsided smile.
"I know I take your breath away Danny-Boy, but I didn't think it was a literal thing."
xxx
Jonah can't say that he's entirely sure what is happening right now.
All he knows is that somehow the Daniel free evening has ended up with him sat on a bench beside Daniel, trying to stop himself from checking on the other boy out of the corner of his eye. It's difficult considering just ten minutes ago Daniel was having a panic attack.
Neither of them have said anything since they sat down, instead Jonah has sat wringing his hands and Daniel has begun to demolish an entire tub of candyfloss all by himself. Jonah isn't sure where to start, he's pretty sure that words don't really cover it after all. He's too scared of making a wrong move that he can't even build up the courage to start.
"Are you okay?"
It's a stupid question and Jonah knows it. Isaac asked it repeatedly the entire time the Ferris Wheel was descending and the whole walk from the ride to the bench. Jonah's not really sure where Isaac has disappeared off to now though, both he and Liam seem to have wandered off as soon as Jonah and Daniel sat down.
"Fine."
"That's good."
The quietness returns once again, it feels like a tangible thing. As if Jonah can feel it on his skin like a layer of stickiness left over from sweets.
"Sorry," it comes out as barely more than a murmur but Jonah makes no efforts to repeat himself.
"I know."
"How?"
"You wouldn't be sat here if you weren't."
Jonah nods his head in understanding and waits patiently for Daniel to make the next move. Relationships are all about give or take, and Jonah is desperate to see how much Daniel is willing to offer.
"You sure it's not too tiring to be spending time with me," Daniel says, his words splitting Jonah open like knives.
"I was drunk."
"Drunk words are sober thoughts."
Jonah stays silent for a few minutes as he tries to collect his thoughts. He always seems to say things before he thinks them through and he's desperate not to do that this time. This is important; these words mean more than anything Jonah has ever said before. And he knows it.
"They didn't come out right."
"That's what they all say," Daniel replies dryly.
"It's tiring because I'm always thinking," Jonah tries to explain.
"Wow that must be a big change for you."
Jonah spins round to face Daniel but Daniel is refusing to look back at him. Jonah doesn't know how to put everything into words. Knows that no matter how eloquent it sounds in his head, it'll sound like a mess voiced aloud.
"I'm just now sure what I want."
This seems to pique Daniel's interest ever so slightly.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that I'm not used to this."
"This?"
"Liking guys."
"So are you saying you like me?"
"Well I don't tend to kiss people for the hell of it."
"Could have had me fooled," Daniel mutters.
Jonah decides not to reply that, decides to let Daniel continue. It's all about the give and take.
"So what are you trying to say?"
"I don't want to be friends with you because I don't want to hurt you."
"It's a bit late for that."
Jonah doesn't imagine the way that his heart tightens; as if Daniel has it held firmly in his grasp and is enjoying playing with it.
"I'm sorry."
"You mentioned."
"What I mean is that I didn't want to hurt you more, I didn't want to mess you around."
"Mess me around?"
"I hook up with girls for fun," Jonah says, "I don't do long term relationships because I don't know how. Hell, the only girl I've ever dated hated being in a relationship with me so much she moved away without telling me. I can't do that with you, not when there's feelings involved."
"Mine or yours?" Daniel asks.
"I don't know," Jonah replies honestly.
"You don't seem to know a lot to be honest."
"That's the problem."
Silence settles around them for a few moments before Daniel continues as if they didn't miss a beat.
"So you don't want to be friends then?"
"I don't want to hurt you."
"But you don't want to be more than friends."
Keep your guard up, Jonah tells himself. Only offer as much as they're willing to give.
"No."
Jonah tries to keep his voice firm, as if it's a decision he's definite about. He's not though. Jonah has no idea what he wants but he's scared to give Daniel so much control over him, is scared to put so many of his feelings out in the open.
"Then what do you want?"
For the first time Daniel turns to look at Jonah, and the expression on his face is genuinely curious, as if he honestly is happy whatever decision Jonah makes and that kills Jonah.
Jonah knows what he has to do, he has to offer Daniel a little bit of his heart, has to guard the rest.
"I want you," Jonah says, surprised by how true the statement is.
"As a friend?"
"As more than a friend."
"But not as a boyfriend."
Jonah shakes his head.
"I don't get it," Daniel says.
Keep the pieces of your heart held close, don't let him get a grip. Offer a piece, enough to go without. There's a little voice in Jonah's voice keeping him grounded, reminding him not to give away too much.
"I want to kiss you," Jonah says, "but I can't offer you anymore than that."
"So you want no strings attached?"
"I don't know what I want," Jonah admits, "I just know I'm not ready for commitment. Hell, you make me wonder who I even am Daniel. I've never felt like any of this before, not for a guy anyway. And I'm not gay, heck it's just you, you get under my skin and just stop me from thinking."
"Well you need to decide what you want," Daniel replies, ignoring Jonah's confession.
"I don't know how."
Daniel raises an eyebrow.
"Well at least make a suggestion."
"Maybe we could start with trying something out," Jonah says and he can't believe the words are coming out of his mouth, "no commitment, no promises. Just me and you. See how it goes."
Jonah expects Daniel to refuse, can't see it working out any way.
"Okay," Daniel says, "I suppose I'll take what I can get."