Jonah Clarke Is Not Gay - Chapter 21: Chapter 21

It's the feel of Jonah's hand held loosely in his that makes Daniel's heart flutter. They way his other hand is tracing patterns into the skin of Daniel's palm, the way that he can see every emotion flicker across Jonah's face as the film plays out onscreen.
Daniel is more than aware that he should be focused, should be following the story along with Jonah but he can't help but be distracted.
Jonah and Daniel cannot end well, and Daniel knows that. Daniel likes a boy who doesn't know what he wants, who wants no commitment, no labels, no promise of a future. But Daniel is so far gone that he's willing to take whatever he can get, however little or large that may be.
Daniel feels like he's the moth attracted to the light, desperate to get closer but destined to get burnt. This can't end well, but that doesn't stop Daniel from grasping on tightly to the few moments he's allowed before that.
"You okay?" Jonah's voice is just above a whisper.
"Fine."
"Really?" Jonah says, and his voice is taking on the tone of teasing now. "Because I'm willing to bet you have no idea what is going on right now."
"Sure I do," Daniel replies, "that guy just punched that other guy."
"Yeah but why?"
Daniel doesn't want to admit that he's wrong and so he does the only thing that he knows will make Jonah shut up about it all.
Lazily, Daniel leans over and places a soft kiss on Jonah's lips, pushing the other boy back into the cushions. Daniel lets his lips linger for a few seconds before pulling back, an idiotic smile on his face as he stares down at Jonah.
"You're not going to distract me that easily," Jonah says.
Instead of replying, Daniel gently presses his lips against Jonah's once again, his fingers trailing up Jonah's arm before resting by the side of his head.
"Still not distracted."
The pair continue back and forth like this for a few minutes, until Daniel is entirely sure that Jonah cannot claim that he is focused on anything other than kissing. The film plays on, nothing but background noise as Daniel continues to drink Jonah in. The other boy is so immersed in the kiss that he fails to notice as Daniel subtly reaches for the remote and switches the TV off before pulling back.
Daniel watches as Jonah blinks rapidly, adjusting back to the real world where his lips are no longer against Daniel's.
"Hey," Jonah says eventually, his voice slow, "I was watching that."
"I don't think you were," Daniel replies simply, teasing to his tone.
"Well it was keeping me entertained."
"I'm sure I'm capable of that."
Jonah looks up at Daniel with half raised eyebrows, a self satisfied smirk painted across his face.
"You sure?"
Daniel smirks right back at him, no longer a novice at playing Jonah's games.
"Well I suppose you can test me if you want."
Jonah simply nods and Daniel leans down to press their lips together once again. Daniel can't help but think that with each kiss, his time left with Jonah shortens, as if with each kiss Jonah is growing more tired of him. And so Daniel savours the kiss, draws it out, until the pair are both pulling back with matching smiles on their faces.
Daniel notices how Jonah neutralises his expression when he sees Daniel watching him.
It seems to Daniel that the two of them are playing a game. Both of them desperate to win, both of them not wanting to show which move they'll make next, and both of them so caught up in it that the rest of the world seems to blur into nothingness. Right now there's just them, just a Thursday evening doing nothing, and Daniel isn't sure he'd have it any other way, no matter how uncertain everything but this moment may be.
"What's wrong?" Jonah asks when he realises that Daniel isn't acting quite as responsive as usual.
"I'm fine. Just thinking."
"About?"
"The future."
Daniel knows that he doesn't miss the flicker of fear that crosses Jonah's face but the other boy acts as if nothing is wrong. Instead Jonah tugs Daniel closer and presses their lips together once again. Daniel knows that this moment is fleeting, is determined to make as much of it as he can.
It's not quite enough though.
Daniel doesn't want Jonah to promise him the world; he just wants promise of something more. He doesn't need specifics or grand gestures, just an idea, no matter how small, that can maybe flourish into a future.
But that's something that Daniel knows Jonah isn't willing to give, not yet anyway.
They're the two words that are enough to make Daniel stay; not yet.
Jonah doesn't know what he wants, not yet. Jonah's not promising a future, not yet. Daniel isn't ready to give up on Jonah. Not yet anyway.
Daniel knows that are as long as there are what-ifs and maybes then he's not going to give up. Jonah is offering Daniel a thread of hope, and Daniel is taking it. And Daniel knows that that's stupid and foolish and idiotic but he can't help but cling onto the thread none the less. It's like Daniel was dangling off the edge of a cliff and Jonah has offered him a rope, Jonah seems to be the only thing that Daniel can hold on to right now, and Daniel is far too afraid to let go.
Their lips press together once again. Jonah's hands laced around Daniel's shoulders, fingers playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. Soft, tentative, Daniel could read these kisses in a thousand different ways, could morph them into so many different possibilities. But he tries to stop himself from doing so.
Because he has to remind himself that no matter how sweet Jonah's kisses are, they're not going to last forever.
xxx
Daniel is a maze, and Jonah is lost in him.
Each press of their lips together is addicting, each touch, however brief, it tantalizing. Jonah finds that he doesn't mind it though, and that in itself is starting to scare him.
"Can I ask you something?"
Jonah is so disorientated when Daniel pulls away, missing the other boy's presence even though he's moved no more than a few inches away, and so Jonah has to take a few moments to let the question register.
"Sure."
Jonah scans Daniel's face for any sign as to what may be about to come. He's scared, afraid. Questions can surely only lead to complications.
"Why did you throw the party? What was up with you that night?"
A sharp intake of breath is difficult for Jonah to disguise, his eyes drop lower and he refuses to meet Daniel's gaze.
Don't offer more than he's willing to give. Jonah reminds himself. And so instead, he feigns ignorance.
"What do you mean?"
"You weren't yourself," Daniel says, his voice as soft as the lips that were pressed to Jonah's just moments ago.
Jonah watches them move, so transfixed by them. They are constantly making Jonah's heart race, through kisses or words it doesn't matter, Daniel's lips captivate Jonah in a way that nothing ever has before.
Don't offer more than he's willing to give.
"What do you mean?" Jonah repeats.
"You were acting strange," Daniel says, and Jonah hears the words that Daniel is avoiding. You screwed me over.
"It was nothing."
"It didn't seem like it."
"Why are you so bothered?"
"Am I not allowed to worry about you?"
Jonah feels his heart catch slightly. He's playing with fire and he knows it, but right now he's quite happy to deal with the heat.
"You shouldn't," Jonah murmurs quietly.
"Why not?"
"You know why."
Jonah feels Daniel pull back slightly, and the moments gone. They're not friends or lovers or anything remotely close. They're two boys on a sofa, an invisible divide between them.
Daniel picks the remote off of the table and turns the TV back on, eyes trained on the screen. Jonah's not focused; he's too busy hoping that Daniel's eyes might stray, that the moment might be recaptured once again.
"Daniel."
It's a single word but it conveys a lot. Daniel's head turns to the side and he takes Jonah in before his brow furrows slightly.
"I'm your best friend," Daniel says, "I'm allowed to worry about you."
"Best friends don't kiss like that."
Daniel's cheeks aren't the only ones that flush and Jonah ducks his head ever so slightly, suddenly finding the sofas pattern fascinating.
"So we're not friends anymore?"
"I don't know what we are."
Jonah decides that honesty seems to be the best way to go.
"Well what do you want to be?"
It's the question that Jonah dreads, the question that seems to occur every single time that he and Daniel are alone. The question he doesn't know how to answer.
Don't offer more than he's willing to give.
"What do you want to be?"
"I think you know the answer to that," Daniel replies quietly.
Jonah simply nods and remains silent; he can't seem to find his words.
"So what do you want?" Daniel asks, his tone insistent.
"I don't want to hurt you."
"I think it's too late for that."
It's not the reply that Jonah was expecting and it certainly stings but there's nothing he can do to deny it. It's as clear as anything how much pain Jonah has caused, but he's not entirely sure how to stop. Not when everything is so jumbled up inside his head, not when there's two different parts of himself telling him to do two entirely different things.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be."
"I should be though."
"Stop saying sorry and start making it up to me, that should be the important thing."
Jonah lets his hand slip into Daniel's, their fingers winding together. Jonah feels Daniel give Jonah's hand a small squeeze, a simple gesture to let Jonah know that he's there, even still.
The silence remains for a few seconds longer before Daniel decides to change the subject.
"So are you going to tell me what was up with you at the party?"
"It's complicated."
"So uncomplicate it for me."
"It's not that simple."
"It can be if you want it to be."
Jonah latches onto those words and lets them filter through his mind a few times, wishes with all he has that what Daniel says is true. Jonah just can't find the words to begin to explain the entire story. And so he doesn't try.
Don't offer more than he's willing to give.
"I was just tired."
"I call bullshit."
"Good for you."
"Come on Jonah."
"Please can we talk about something else?"
The desperation must be clear on Jonah's face as sympathy lingers at the edges of Daniel's smile after that.
"Course we can," Daniel says, "I mean we need to talk about how terrible this film you've picked out is."
"What are you on about, this film is amazing."
"I'd hate to see what your idea of a terrible film looks like then."
And just like that things are back into normal, everything clicking into place. It's simple, easy and Jonah has to worry about nothing more than what his next comeback is going to be.
A smile doesn't leave Jonah's face as he watches Daniel talk, so caught up in the moment that he never wants it to end. And that's what is starting to scare Jonah, how this is possibly going to end. It can't be good, Jonah knows that, and yet he lives in hope that somehow, impossibly, things might just work out okay.
The idea of losing Daniel, losing either his friend Daniel or his something more Daniel, terrifies Jonah. And he actually can't bear to think about it.
And so Jonah simply decides that he won't.
xxx
Daniel tries to tear his eyes away from Jonah but it's difficult.
The other boy is moving quickly around the kitchen, singing along to some Top 40 hit on the radio, hips swinging in time to the music, hands drumming a rhythm on the countertop. A pair of jeans are slung low on his hips, and his hair is still wet from the shower, his t-shirt – pulled on in a hurry – is twisted to the side slightly.
"I never took you as a cook," Daniel comments as Jonah places the food in the oven
"I'm cooking chicken nuggets."
"Very domesticated."
"Yeah well I know how to treat a boy right."
A small, nervous smile tugs at the ends of Daniel's lips, a blush flooding his cheeks and he stares down at his twisted hands.
"Indeed you do."
Jonah makes his way over to where Daniel is perched on the countertop and places a soft kiss to Daniel's forehead; hands placed either side of Daniel's legs. He stands in between them, watching the food cook as Daniel's hand wind themselves into Jonah's hair, running through the strands, tugging lightly when they reach any knots.
"That feels good," Jonah murmurs, tilting his head back slightly.
"Yeah well don't get used to this kind of treatment."
"Even though I cook for you?"
"Jonah you've placed some chicken nuggets and smiley faces in the oven, it's not exactly a three course meal."
"One day I'll cook you a three course meal and I'll expect this kind of treatment on a regular basis."
"Well then you'll have to cook a three course meal for me on a regular basis."
"Deal," Jonah replies.
Daniel feels his breath hitch slightly. He knows that the two of them are only joking around, but he still feels like they're edging slightly closer to things being right. Because surely joking about the future, leads to talking about the future and maybe, just maybe, that makes a future between them seem like a real possibility.
"Don't stop," Jonah whines when Daniel's hands still.
"Sorry."
His fingers resume their actions, and when Jonah's locks are completely detangled, Daniel stars to knead his fingers into a Jonah's scalp. Daniel blushes when a moan escapes Jonah's mouth.
"You should definitely give me massages more often," Jonah says.
"I've been told I'm very talented with my hands."
Jonah raises an eyebrow suggestively.
"And how are you with your mouth?"
Daniel swallows nervously. He's aware how easy all of this flirting comes to Jonah but Daniel is vastly inexperienced and sure, Jonah may never have done this with a boy before but Daniel has never really done this with anyone before. There's been kisses and flirting but never anything more, and so Daniel isn't entirely sure how to act.
"I couldn't say. I suppose you'll have to feedback later."
Jonah coughs in surprise.
"I suppose I will."
Jonah refuses to meet Daniel's eye after that, suddenly the food is the most important thing and they require Jonah's complete and utter attention.
Daniel contents himself with scrolling through his phone, notifying his mum that he won't be home for dinner. After that it's a simple matter of scrolling through his tumblr feed (having asked Jonah for the wifi password as soon as he walked through the door) until the food is ready.
The pair eat in silence, it's hardly a candlelight dinner and Daniel is starving. But after it's done Jonah is in no rush to clear the plates away, instead he sits for a few moments longer saying nothing, foot casually brushing against Daniel's.
It's simple and easy, and Daniel loves that. There's just something about spending time with Jonah that takes his mind off of everything, and so when Jonah leans in to kiss him once again, once everything is back where it belongs, Daniel is more than happy to oblige, kissing back with such ferocity that Jonah has to take a moment to steady himself against the kitchen counter.
It's the sound of the latch in the door clicking that causes Jonah to pull away and when Ruth walks into the kitchen, there's no sign of anything that went on before she arrived.
"Daniel," she says, her voice conveying that she truly is happy to see him, "I see you're round again. I guess we're going for every night this week?"
"Sorry," Daniel apologises, cheeks flushing red, "I can go if you want me to."
"Of course not, it's nice having you here, stops Jonah from being such an annoying little brother. Just surprised your parents aren't missing you."
"My Dad's out at work most of the time, he works the evening shift. And mum's probably glad she doesn't have to cook for me."
"Yeah I'm stuck doing it instead," Jonah interjects teasingly.
"It's the least you can do."
"It's not like I'm getting anything in return though."
Daniel has a reply all lined up before he remembers that Ruth is there, watching the pair interact with a thoughtful expression on her face. As much as Daniel is sure that Ruth would be fine with whatever is occurring between Daniel and Jonah, he knows better than to suggest anything. If Jonah's not ready to tell people then Daniel's not going to do it for him, that's something that Daniel knows Jonah has to do for himself.
"I'll buy you a really nice birthday present," Daniel replies.
"I'd like a pony."
"How rich do you think I am?"
"Well you've got until September to get the money, time to start saving up I suppose, better get on it."
"In your dreams."
"It actually is," Jonah says, "last night I dreamt that I rode a pony to school every day so you could technically make my dreams come true."
"Have you had any less expensive dreams?" Daniel asks. "Maybe you dreamt that I bought you some CDs or a book or something."
"Are you asking me what I want for my birthday? You've got six months Daniel."
"I like to be prepared."
"Idiot," Jonah says, but the smile on his face suggests he thinks otherwise.
xxx
An hour later and the two of them are back to the kissing. They're soft and short, punctuated by brief spatters of conversation. It's during one of these pauses that Jonah poses the question that's been on his mind for the past few days.
"Hey Daniel."
The other boy looks up from where he was tracing a pattern on Jonah's palm to look Jonah in the eye. Daniel's smile is soft, and strands of his hair are falling into his eyes. Jonah resists the urge to brush them away for him.
"Yeah?"
"Did you ever meet up with Charlie?"
There's a moment of silence, the only sound the clock ticking on the wall. Jonah can feel Daniel tracing figures of eight into his palm and tries to focus on that rather than the panic that rises within him at the thought of Charlie.
"Yeah," Daniel replies eventually, "we met up last Saturday."
"And?"
"It was shit."
"Oh."
"He said sorry."
"I suppose that's good then," Jonah tells Daniel, unsure of what else there is for him to say, the right words just don't seem to be forming.
"Not really," Daniel says, "it sort of seemed like he didn't really know what he was apologising for. Like he knew what he'd done wrong, he knew he'd acted like a dick but he seemed to think it was a thing that had upset me for like a week and now found kind of funny, he didn't seem to get that it kind of ever so slightly ruined my life. I mean he got that it was a horrible thing to do, got that I'd been upset but he doesn't realise what he really caused, and I didn't know how to tell him."
"So what did you do?"
"I ran."
"Why?"
"Every time I looked at him all I could think about was that he'd broken me and he didn't even realise it. I just couldn't stay."
Jonah tries to ignore the erratic way his heart beats when Daniel says that, tries to remind himself that he is no Charlie Martin.
If you don't hurt then he won't hurt you. Jonah tells himself that several times before replying.
"I'm really sorry about that, I knew you were hoping he'd changed."
"People don't just change Jonah, no matter how much you want them to."
The words ring so true that Jonah can't find the words to reply; instead he takes Daniel's hands in his and begins to trace a pattern of his own.
"J," Daniel says suddenly.
"What?"
"That was the letter you were tracing. Did you never play that game?"
"What game?"
"One person traces a letter, or a number, or a shape onto the other person and they have to guess what it is."
"That sounds like a shit game," Jonah says, but he offers his hand out none the less, "I guess it's my turn to guess then."
Jonah is surprised by how calming he finds the gentle brush of Daniel's skin against his. How soothing it is just to be with the other boy. Jonah frequently has to remind himself that this can't last forever, that this safe haven the two of them seem to have built is going to fall apart. Jonah knows that things like this never last long, someone always gets tired and leaves, it's simply a matter of time. Jonah is just content to make the most of Daniel while he still can.
Just as long as Daniel doesn't take Jonah's heart with him when he goes.
The pair lay languidly side by side when they grow tired of the game, hands brushing gently together. They say nothing but then, there's nothing to say. Instead both are content to lie in silence, bodies touching in ways that suggest so much more than friendship. It occurs to Jonah that it's not just the kissing that shows what has changed.
Quiet music plays in the background as Jonah watches Daniel, the other boy watching right back. Jonah's eyes flicker across every line of Daniel's face, tries to drink in every freckle, every flaw. Jonah is desperate to commit Daniel's every feature to memory, though when he'll revisit it he's not entirely sure.
Daniel's eyes start to flutter closed and he tries to stifle a yawn by placing a hand over his mouth.
"You look cute when you're sleepy," Jonah murmurs.
"You look cute all the time."
"Are you trying to make me blush?"
"Well you look cute when you do that too."
"Not as cute as you."
Redness spreads through Daniel's cheeks like wildfire spreads through a forest and Jonah leans over to press a kiss to Daniel's lips.
Jonah loves the way that Daniel can uncomplicated everything, the way that when the pair of them are lying here together everything seems so simple. It's times like these that Jonah thinks that maybe they don't need a label. They don't need to be friends or boyfriends or whatever else. They can just be Daniel and Jonah, and that can be enough.
Jonah turns so he's staring up at the ceiling, staring up at the stars that Ruth stuck up there when Jonah was six years old and scared of the dark, scared of the unknown.
"You okay?" Daniel asks, his voice cutting through Jonah's thoughts.
"Fine."
"You sure?"
Don't offer more than he's willing to give. Don't offer more than he's willing to give.
Jonah prepares himself to break the one rule he has.
"Her name was Elle."
"Whose name?"
"The girl who's the reason I threw the party."
Jonah doesn't miss the flash of hurt that crosses Daniel's face before Daniel schools his features into a more neutral expression. Daniel appears to be starting to withdraw and Jonah knows he can't let that happen.
Don't offer more than he's willing to give. Maybe Jonah should have stuck by that.
"And who is she?" Daniel asks eventually.
"She's the girl that broke my heart."