Jonah Clarke Is Not Gay - Chapter 25: Chapter 25

Anyway I was hoping you guys could recommend some good TV shows and movies as I've just got netflix!
Daniel walks into school unsure of exactly what it is he's going to say. On the one hand things should be easy and simple, the air between he and Jonah should have cleared, but on the other hand there still seems to be so many unsaid things. Because how on earth can Daniel go back to just being Jonah's friend when he knows exactly how he feels.
Isaac raises an eyebrow when Daniel walks into school.
"Something's up."
Daniel hates the fact that Isaac can always tell when something is wrong, hates the fact that it's impossible for him to hide his secrets. Hates that somehow, he doesn't mind.
"It's nothing."
"Bullshit."
"I don't want to talk about it?"
It comes out as more of a question than a statement because when has that ever really dissuaded someone from questioning you anyway.
It seems to work though.
"Fine," Isaac says, shrugging his shoulders, "just know that I'll be here whenever you decide that you want to."
"Thanks."
"What are best friends for?"
Not for secret kisses, Daniel thinks to himself, not for regretted 'I love you's. He doesn't voice any of that aloud though; instead he offers Isaac a warm smile, a genuine one.
"Buying me chocolate?"
"In your dreams."
The two settle into silence after that. It's not uncomfortable or tense; it's just a sign of how strong their friendship really is. The two of them don't need words to pass the time, they're content to go about their own business, just knowing that the other one is beside them. Once again Daniel is reminded of just how lucky he is to have ended up with Isaac Berkovich as a best friend.
Daniel can't breathe when Jonah walks into the room. It's not surprising that he looks good today, a plaid shirt buttoned up to his neck, a pair of skinny jeans clinging to his legs. Daniel tries not to let his gaze linger, tries not to make it too obvious.
But he figures it must be. Because surely it's clear in the way a small smile slips onto his face at the sight of Jonah. Surely it's clear in the way his breath hitches, his palms sweat and Daniel has no idea where to look. Surely everyone must know.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
The words echo through Daniel's mind sending reverberations wherever they go. And it's all Daniel can think, and all Daniel can hear and it's everything he regrets saying.
Somehow, impossibly, Isaac doesn't seem to have realised though.
"You okay mate?" Isaac asks.
Jonah smiles, Daniel notices that the other boy never looks his way, that he seems intent on keeping his gaze averted from where Daniel is sat.
"I'm good."
"Great."
That's the end of conversation and Daniel knows that it's his turn, that he's supposed to fill the lull but he can't. He's afraid to open his mouth in case the words come spilling out again.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Friends. Daniel reminds himself. That's all the two of you are supposed to be. That's all Jonah promised.
"Hey," the word feels thick in Daniel's throat but he manages to get it out none the less.
"Hey."
A pause, Daniel knows he's supposed to say something but he finds himself desperately searching for words. How did this used to seem so easy? Why doesn't it seem that way anymore?
"Have you done the English essay?" Jonah asks, seemingly intent on the two of them moving forward, the two of them moving past the awkwardness.
"Yeah," this time the words don't catch in Daniel's throat.
Slowly it seems to be getting easier. Maybe eventually it'll just be easy.
"I had no idea what to write for my concluding paragraph."
It would seem that Jonah is never very good at endings, Daniel thinks to himself somewhat bitterly, and maybe that's the problem.
Daniel doesn't miss the way that Isaac's gaze flickers between them as if he knows something is up. Daniel's not surprised, the awkwardness between seems almost like a physical being, a new addition to their little group.
Liam is completely oblivious to it all when he arrives though, whistling a show tune under his breath.
"Guess who just had the best weekend ever," Liam says, throwing himself down into the seat next to Daniel.
"Did you win the lottery?" Jonah asks.
"No," Liam's tone is unsure, as if he has no idea where Jonah is going with this.
"Did you meet the entire cast of Game Of Thrones?
"Uhm..no."
"Did Steven Spielberg talent spot you and now you're going to become Hollywood's next big thing?"
"No."
"Then how on earth was it the best weekend ever?"
"Penny finally managed to get the weekend off work and let's just say that the two of us didn't leave the bedroom."
Isaac rolls his eyes, Jonah offers Liam a high five and Daniel is left to wonder when on earth their friendship group transfigured itself into being like this. All of his life Daniel has always been a part of a small group and he's never particularly minded it. It's better to be close friends with a small group of people, than not-really-friends with a big group. And yet this year the group has doubled in size, and Daniel has a feeling that it's going to continue to grow. Now that Isaac has stopped acting like such an idiot, Alice is actually starting to sit with them at lunchtimes.
It seems that Daniel's world is slowly expanding, and he can't say he's entirely unhappy with the direction it's heading in.
A tentative smile is offered by Jonah when he thinks no one is looking, combined with a subtle question.
"You okay?" Jonah mouths.
Daniel knows he can't exactly say that he's not, not that he has any idea how on earth he is. And so he settles for the simplest reply, the one that will stop Jonah from worrying.
"I'm fine."
xxx
Jonah is worried about Daniel. And he has been ever since he left the other boy's house last night.
Jonah almost wishes that it was easy for him to pretend that the past couple of weeks never happened. That he could pretend that he and Daniel had always been just friends and nothing more, that all the kisses and the touches and the sweetest moments never happened. But they're impossible to forget, they're as much a part of Jonah as his skin and bones. They're integral, important, without them Jonah feels like he might just fall to pieces.
Lessons, that's what Jonah needs to focus on right now. He's not supposed to be thinking about the fact Daniel looks like he hasn't slept, or the fact that the other boy can't look him in the eye. They're supposed to be moving past this, and Jonah isn't sure that he can do that if he cares.
English is a quiet affair, Jonah is seated next to Daniel once again but they trade few words. Daniel asks to borrow a pencil, Jonah asks how to spell onomatopoeia and they move on. Both refusing to look back.
Jonah focuses on ignoring the way that their skin brushes as they write, elbows sharing the same small space. He ignores the way that every emotion is written so clearly on Daniel's face. Jonah ignores it all and pushes the swell of affection that rises within him down as far as it will possibly go.
Friends. Just friends. That's all they'll ever be and nothing more. Jonah says it like a mantra, reminds himself to stick to it, reminds himself that it's not fair on Daniel to pretend that they can ever be anything more, not when Jonah doesn't know if that statement is true or not.
I don't know. I don't know, I don't know.
The words race around in Jonah's brain like children heading home. Right now they're the only thing that Jonah can say with absolute certainty. I don't know. Jonah isn't sure he ever will.
It appears that Jonah's problems all started with a kiss.
A Saturday afternoon, a football match and Daniel laid lazily on the couch, looking the most relaxed Jonah had ever seen him. It was almost impossible for Jonah not to kiss Daniel. But perhaps he should have stuck by his guns; perhaps he should have stuck by his promise to never do that again. Maybe then they wouldn't be here. Maybe.
Or perhaps they'd just be caught up in a different kind of mess.
Jonah shakes his head, trying to clear his thoughts as if his brain is an etch-a-sketch, as if a simple movement can erase everything. Friends. They're just friends.
"So on a scale of one to a hundred how excited are you for the Easter holidays?"
Daniel looks up, an expression of what can almost count as shock written on his face. Jonah supposes that it's not surprising; this seems to be the longest sentence Jonah has said to him all day.
"Unreasonably excited," Daniel replies, "although there's still far too many weeks to go."
"Only four weeks."
"That's four weeks too many."
Jonah rolls his eyes and lets out a laugh. The sentence is just so typically Daniel, so typically the boy he befriended that Jonah is reminded that everything is going to be okay. That if Daniel can go back to normal then surely Jonah can too.
Jonah is just over thinking things, is just making things far more complicated than they have to be. Maybe Jonah is trying to fix a problem that isn't even there, and maybe, just maybe, he needs to take a step back and stop.
And so Jonah ignores everything, takes every single moment from the past few weeks and locks it away in a little box, refuses to let himself look at it no matter what. Imagines that he's throwing the metaphorical key as far away as possible and hopes that somehow that will be enough.
Hopes that a friendship can still be salvaged from the ruins of a kiss.
"Well at least you get to spend those four weeks having an awesome time with me," Jonah says.
"Sorry Jonah, but I think you just mispronounced terrible in the worst way I've ever heard," Daniel replies.
It takes Jonah a few moments to figure out what Daniel is eluding to, and when he does his eyes narrow slightly and a scowl etches itself across his features. He turns to look at Daniel with a glare.
"Take that back."
"No."
"Take that back," Jonah's tone is insistent but Daniel's expression remains impassive.
"Make me."
"I swear to god Daniel Evans," Jonah mutters, "take that back and say you have a great time with me else this friendship is over."
"Some losses don't exactly hurt."
Jonah's mouth can do nothing but fall open in both shock and hurt. He looks up at Daniel just in time to see a mischievous smirk dance across the other boy's face. It seems so unlike Daniel and yet so like him at the same time. It's a carefree Daniel, a more confident Daniel, and Jonah likes it, more than he's ever going to be willing to admit.
"It's official," Jonah says, "I don't like Bruno. I think he makes you mean."
"Who says it's Bruno's fault?"
"You're right. Maybe he is just helping to expose you for the cruel person you truly are."
"I think you're over reacting."
"You said that you wouldn't care if I wasn't your friend anymore," Jonah says.
He knows he sounds like a toddler throwing a tantrum but he can't help it. It's one thing feeling like his and Daniel's friendship is over, it's another being told that Daniel wouldn't mind. And Jonah knows that Daniel is probably – hopefully – joking, but Jonah is still scared. Because who's to say that one day the joke won't seem so funny, that Daniel won't realise what a terrible friend Jonah is and leave.
The worst thing is that if that happened, Jonah would be pretty sure Daniel had made the right choice.
xxx
Today feels like some kind of strange alternate reality, Daniel can't help but think.
Because only in a parallel universe would Jonah Clarke be seemingly afraid of losing Daniel's friendship. Only in a parallel universe would Daniel feel like he held the power. And Daniel thought that it would take a parallel universe to completely ruin their friendship, to leave it as shredded as it seems to be. The likelihood of that had seemed similar to that of Daniel being abducted by aliens, or leading a rebellion against some tyrant leader. Impossible, improbable, nothing to worry about.
But Daniel is worrying, because he's just not sure what to do. Every word seems wrong, like it doesn't quite fit into the gap in the conversation and every time it seems like their friendship is on the mend, one of them says something that sends them spiralling back to the ruins. Like they're both holding wrecking balls that they can no longer control.
Daniel doesn't voice any of these worries aloud though, instead he smiles at Jonah as if nothing is wrong and for a brief moment Daniel allows himself to believe that nothing is.
The pair are sat outside, using one of their shared frees to work through a bag of crisps and a pile of English homework they've just been given. Little work is being done, instead Daniel finds his gaze lingering on the boy opposite him for just a little bit too long. The weather is just starting to warm up, and the sun only serves to make Jonah's hair begin to glisten golden. Jonah looks up from his work briefly and smiles warmly.
"How's Grandma Grace?" Jonah asks.
"She's good."
"And how's Albert?"
"Well they called off the engagement again," Daniel admits, "but as of this morning it seemed to be back on."
"You seem very sceptical."
"This time was supposed to be different," Daniel points out, "they'd booked a venue and everything, and yet it was still called off."
"Did they cancel the booking?"
"No, everyone was so confident that they'd get engaged again within no time that no-one bothered."
"So it's still going ahead?"
"It seems that way."
"Am I invited?" Jonah says.
"I don't see why not."
To be perfectly honest Daniel can see a thousand reasons why not, mainly revolving around the fact that taking Jonah as his guest to a wedding doesn't seem like the most conductive environment to get over his feelings but Daniel decides that that's a bridge he'll cross when he comes to it.
"Good," Jonah replies, "because I've kind of missed your grandma."
"That's weird."
"And yet true."
"This always happens," Daniel mutters, "people always prefer my grandma to me."
"Perhaps it's because your grandma is so much cooler than you," Jonah tells Daniel teasingly.
The joke falls flat though. Usually the two would jokingly insult each other without a second thought, but it currently doesn't seem as easy as that, perhaps it's because the two of them currently don't really know where they stand. It's a lot easier to jokingly tell someone that you don't want to be friends with them when the two of you are definitely friends.
"Well I suppose I can't deny the truth," Daniel says, trying to keep the same lightness and bounce to his tone as Jonah seems to provide so effortlessly.
Jonah offers Daniel a small smile in reply and Daniel focuses simply on that. And when the feelings all begin to bubble up once again, until Daniel is convinced that they're going to spill over into those three stupid words all over again. Daniel curses his own stupid emotions, tries to dispel them with a certain thought but it's no use. Every time Daniel looks at Jonah, he can still hear him voicing the great big secret aloud.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Daniel wishes that he was one of those people that could switch off their feelings with a second thought, that could separate their crushes from their friendships, could fall in love with someone who wasn't so utterly wrong for them.
But he's not.
Daniel is the kind of person who crushes on anyone who'll give him a chance. Whose feelings flourish as a result of acceptance. Who falls in love with sweetness and reassurance and the feelings of being wanted. Maybe if Jonah wasn't so damn kind then none of this would have happened.
Maybe if Daniel wasn't such a damn idiot then none of this would have happened.
Friends. Just friends. Daniel almost wishes that they could rewind back several weeks, that he could have never asked Jonah out. Or that he could never have agreed to 'see how things went'. But it's easy to say that he shouldn't have made those decisions in retrospect, but Daniel knows that if he was given the chance to make that choice all over again, he'd still end up making the same decisions.
"I'm just kidding," Jonah says Daniel, his tone conveying more seriousness than Daniel might have expected, "you know I'll always be your friend."
"No matter what?"
"Well if you killed my family then we might have to have a few stern words, but I'm sure we could work past it."
"That's it?"
"Well the chances of you breaking the bro code are kind of slim," Jonah tells Daniel lightly, a smile lingering on his face for just a second.
"That's true I suppose," Daniel replies, "but I thought you told Liam off for calling you bro."
"Yeah but the 'Male Friends Rulebook' doesn't have quite the same ring to it."
Daniel can't help the small giggle of laughter that escapes his lips, nor can he help the blush that begins to creep across his cheeks either when Jonah looks up at him.
"Well I think our friendship's safe anyway," Daniel says, "I don't have any plans to kill your family."
"That's what all future murderers say, and then they go ahead and do it anyway."
xxx
Jonah is in the middle of writing up a geography essay when Isaac approaches him. The other boy moves quietly, so that Jonah doesn't notice him until Isaac is stood right behind Jonah's chair.
"Can I have a word with you?"
Isaac's voice is clear but Jonah is half tempted to pretend that he can't understand him, maybe that way he won't have to say yes.
"Uhm... sure."
Jonah's not entirely sure what direction Isaac plans on taking this conversation in, but Jonah can't imagine that it's going to be all that good. That being said, Jonah doesn't feel like Isaac knows. If he did, then Jonah is pretty sure he'd have a broken limb by now. That thought is enough to make Jonah sit up a little bit straighter, to make him take the conversation a little bit more seriously.
Jonah feels slightly better when he sees that Isaac is smiling, but then again, Isaac could just be a sadist.
"What's up?"
It's not the question that Jonah was expecting when Isaac sat down next to him and shock briefly flickers across Jonah's features. It all seems so casual, as if Isaac didn't act as if he was about to begin an interrogation.
"What do you mean?"
"Something's bothering you, I don't know what it is but it's obvious there's something you're thinking about, a lot, so what's up?"
"Why do you want to know?"
Jonah doesn't mean for his tone to come across as harsh as it does but he can't help it. This is just such a strange situation for him to be in that he's not entirely sure how to react. Jonah isn't used to people asking him if everything is okay, and the fact that it's Isaac, out of all the possible people, just makes the situation seem even more unnatural.
"I want to make sure you're okay. Look I know it's probably weird and all but I know that whenever something's bothering Daniel he feels better after he's talked about it."
The mention of Daniel must trigger something in Jonah's expression as Isaac raises his eyebrows expectantly, leans back in his seat and lets out a sigh. His fingers tap out a quick rhythm on the tabletop before he pitches his question.
"Is whatever's bugging you something to do with Daniel?"
"No."
Jonah's tone is obviously not convincing enough as Isaac's eyebrows remain high on his forehead.
"Spill."
"No."
"Fine," Isaac says, "tell me about something else, I need gossip or an interesting fact or something to make this conversation worth it."
"I'm slightly scared of you," Jonah admits, "you can be surprisingly intimidating when you want to be."
"So if I threatened to hit you would you be more inclined to tell me what's wrong?"
"No."
"You don't sound certain."
"It's nothing important," Jonah tells Isaac.
"Well can you at least give me a vague idea, I'm worried about you."
It seems that everybody is currently worried about everyone else, but that no one is bothering to worry about themselves. Jonah's worried about Daniel and Isaac's worried about Jonah, maybe if Daniel worries about Isaac then they can form some sort of weird club.
"I'm confused."
It's the first time Jonah has voiced it like that before, and he allows himself to grow accustomed to the feel of the words rolling off of his tongue.
"About?"
"Myself."
Jonah doesn't miss the faint shock that crosses Isaac's face but the other boy quickly schools his features into a more neutral expression.
"Care to elaborate?"
"Not really."
"Can I give you a piece of advice?"
"Go for it."
"Stop being confused," Isaac says. "The one thing that's always seemed weird to me is that we're trying to get rid of labels, trying to make it clear that we can be whoever the hell we want, that the old labels don't fit us. And yet we just seem to be creating new labels, trying to force ourselves into new boxes. And what if we don't fit in them? My question is: why don't we just get rid of the boxes altogether?"
For a moment what Isaac says sounds so simple, sounds just like what Jonah needs to hear. And then Jonah's thoughts come crashing around him. Because it's easy to say we should get rid of the labels, and it's easy for Jonah to then say that he'll follow his heart, not care about whatever other people think. But it's just not that easy.
Jonah is sick of people telling him to just be who he is, because Jonah has absolutely no idea any more. His feelings are too conflicted, his thoughts too tainted by his own preconceptions that he just doesn't know what to do anymore.
Jonah Clarke is scared. More scared than he'll ever admit aloud. More scared than he'll admit even to himself.
Jonah Clarke is scared that he's screwed things up with Daniel forever. Jonah Clarke is scared that he's missed his chance, that by not figuring out how he feels in time he's lost his one shot at proving to Daniel that maybe he could like him back. Jonah Clarke is scared of being hurt. Jonah Clarke is scared that people are going to leave him. Jonah Clarke is scared of what other people think.
Jonah Clarke is a little bit scared of himself.
And so it's easy to say screw labels, just be who you want to be. But Jonah doesn't even know who the person he wants to be even is anymore. He doesn't know who he is right now, and that's the scariest thing of all.
Jonah wants to figure out what the hell he wants, he wants to figure out his feelings, he wants a break from all of this.
Most of all, Jonah Clarke wants to be happy.