Jonah Clarke Is Not Gay - Chapter 29: Chapter 29

"Hey," Daniel says.
It's the next morning at school and Daniel still feels as if the breaths he is releasing are shaky, still feels as if the smallest thing might push him over the edge.
He feels a little calmer when he sees Jonah though. It's stupid really, these feelings he has for the other boy. Life would be so much better if emotions were the sort of thing you could control with a flick of a switch. Daniel knows Jonah is off limits, and so he'd flick them off. But that's not possible and so instead Daniel is left to stare at Jonah and feel the clenching of his heart.
And Daniel knows it's idiotic and stupid and all kinds of other synonyms. He knows, deep down, that Jonah doesn't really deserve Daniel's heart. That Jonah has come close to breaking it time and time again. But that doesn't stop Daniel from letting Jonah do it, in the hope that Jonah will turn up with bandages not long after.
Mistake after mistake. Apology after apology. Their relationship follows a pattern. And it might be masochistic of Daniel but he finds he's not ready for it to end, not just yet, not when his heart still aches for Jonah.
"Hey," Jonah says back.
Daniel notices that there's something off about Jonah today; as if something's changed overnight. As if the Jonah in front of Daniel isn't the same Jonah he saw yesterday. Daniel decides to let it slide though.
"You okay?" Jonah asks.
It's a vague question but Daniel knows what Jonah is really asking. He wants to know what happened after Daniel put down the phone, wants to know whether Daniel is still in a state of self resentment, whether he decided to give up.
Daniel fixes a smile on his face.
"I'm fine."
"That's the shittiest answer I've ever heart."
Daniel begs his smile to grow a little wider.
"Are you okay?"
Jonah doesn't answer the question straight away, and when he finally opens his mouth to speak the words that come out are completely unrelated.
"Do you wanna hang out after school? Just you and me?"
"Just you and me?" Daniel echoes.
"Yeah."
Jonah makes no move to elaborate and Daniel doesn't want to ask too many questions. This Jonah is definitely different and Daniel is starting to worry, and so he can't bear to say no.
"Sure thing."
The space between them falls silent after that. Daniel desperately wants to fill it but none of the words he thinks of seem to fit right. And so he lets the silence grow, stretching like a never ending gap between them and Daniel wonders – not for the first time – if things are ever really going to go back to normal.
It seems like it's one step forward, three steps back.
But how can things go back to normal? After kisses and confessions and being so close, how can things ever go back to normal? How can Daniel look at Jonah and see him as friend, when really he's looking at the boy he loves? How can Jonah look at Daniel and see a friend when Jonah knows that Daniel is hopelessly in love with him?
How will it ever work? Why are they even trying?
You and me against the world.
Jonah's words reverberate around in Daniel's mind, grounding him, reminding him why they're clinging onto their frayed friendship. Because Daniel knows that losing Jonah will hurt him far more than holding onto him is.
And so the silence swirls between them but Daniel doesn't mind it quite as much. Because eventually he knows it'll disappear, that time can heal all wounds, no matter how deep. That no matter what it seems like now, that these problems are going to disappear but Jonah won't. No matter what.
"Daniel," Jonah's voice cuts through Daniel's thoughts unexpectedly, "about last night."
Daniel isn't sure what he expects. He's half-ready for Jonah to take everything he said back, he's half ready to hear Jonah feel sympathetic like many people have before. Daniel isn't sure which would be worse.
"Yeah?" Daniel's voice is timid.
"Please never say anything like that ever again. Please never say that you hate yourself, god, it kills me to even think about you feeling that way. It destroys me. You're honestly one of the most amazing people I've ever met Daniel, and I hate that you don't see that, I hate that other people tell me differently."
"Jonah..."
"No, look I know I shouldn't be saying these things, I know you're probably sick of me telling you these things but I'm begging you, please promise you'll tell me if you ever feel that way again because it terrifies me to think of you going through that on your own. I can't imagine what it must be like, I can't imagine at all, but I want to try and help. Please Daniel."
Daniel is surprised to find that Jonah's eyes are glossy, as if he's holding back tears and Daniel wants to do nothing more than reach out and touch him, to wipe the tears away. But he can't, and he won't. Boundaries are in place, and they're there for a reason.
Because Daniel realised it the night he and Jonah spent in the same bed. It's all well and good for him to cling onto the hope that they could be something more than just friends, it's all well and good for Daniel's heart to race just hearing the sound of Jonah's voice. But he's never going to move on if he clings onto these hopes too fiercely, he's never going to move on if they share beds and touches and glances.
He's never going to move on if Jonah won't let him.
"Hey Jonah?" Daniel asks suddenly.
"Yeah?"
"Where are we going for lunch?"
Jonah is silent, as if he doesn't want to say.
"The park."
The only problem with moving on seems to be that Jonah isn't cooperating.
xxx
Jonah can feel his damn palms sweating and they haven't even got to the park yet.
Jonah almost wants to stop Daniel now and get it over and done with. The words are on the tip of his tongue after all. But he doesn't; because this whole thing has to be perfect.
And so Jonah fixes a smile on his face, the kind that hides so many secrets, when Daniel looks over at him and when they reach the park Jonah challenges Daniel to a race to the swings.
It's easy, it's simple. Jonah hopes that it stays that way.
The two of them are soon caught up in competition over who can get the highest. Jonah may be biased, but he thinks he probably won. He allows Daniel to believe the opposite though; the smile on his face makes it worth it.
Jonah knows that he doesn't deserve this chance, that Daniel has offered him thousands of chances that he doesn't deserve. But he's glad that he's got this one, and he's going to make the most of it. The fact that he doesn't deserve it makes Jonah even more determined to seize it, to make as much of it as he possibly can, to not let it pass by without pushing it to its full potential.
That doesn't stop him from being petrified though.
Jonah's hands are shaking now, he tries to keep his restless fingers busy by tapping on the swing's chain but it's doing little to reduce his nerves.
Daniel smiles at him. Jonah tries to replicate it, but the smile doesn't fit his face quite right.
Surely, Jonah thinks, everything must be obvious. It must be evident in every single movement, in every single breath and every single word. How Daniel hasn't confronted him about it Jonah doesn't know.
"Hey," Daniel says.
It's not questioning or harsh or anything else. It's just a word, just a casual reminder that Daniel is still there. Jonah almost feels as if Daniel has conveyed an entire paragraph in that one simple word. You can tell me anything. I'm here to listen. I'm here for you.
Jonah hopes that Daniel can stick by that.
It's strange really, to be back where it all began. To be swinging next to Daniel, a few months down the line and for Jonah to still be as awed by the other boy as he was back then. By his bravery and his kindness and his humour and, just, everything. Jonah's isn't sure he's ever admired a person as much as he admires Daniel, isn't sure he's ever wanted to be like someone else as much as he'd like to be like to Daniel.
And most importantly, Jonah is certain he's never felt for someone, the way he feels for Daniel.
Is sure that he's never had such erratic butterflies in his stomach, has never felt his breath catch in his throat quite the same way, has never had such a difficult time trying to find the right words. It's all new and exciting and petrifying.
Jonah can't tell whether his heart is racing from nerves or attraction. Possibly both.
Shit. Jonah thinks. Shit.
Jonah has thought the scenario out in his head several times, with thousands of possible different outcomes. He's said the words in his head over and over again, he's even said them aloud a handful of times. But this is the time that really matters, and right now the words seem like they're going to roll of his tongue as easy as Daniel's name.
"Hey," Jonah replies. And he hopes it conveys just as much as it did when Daniel said it.
It's not as simple as Jonah hoped it might be though. He's desperate to find the perfect moment but it doesn't appear to me materialising.
And maybe it never will. Maybe Jonah will waste the rest of the year waiting for the perfect moment, waiting for that point in time where the planets align and a choir starts singing, will waste his whole life that way. Or maybe he'll just give up, settle down with some girl and constantly wonder what if.
Saying maybe is a lot easier than taking action.
Because maybe Jonah will say 'I love you' and Daniel will kiss him. Maybe Jonah will say 'I love you' and Daniel will begin running in the other direction. Maybe Jonah will say 'I love you' and Daniel will say that he never really meant it.
Maybe it's better that all the 'I love you's remain unspoken.
Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe Jonah's an idiot, maybe he's finally got the right idea. Who knows? Jonah certainly doesn't until he says the words aloud.
Jonah slows his swing until it has more or less come to a stop and turns to face Daniel. He can feel his palms begin to sweat once again and his breathing quickens. It's not too late to turn back, Jonah tries to tell himself, but it is, it's been too late ever since Jonah chased after Daniel on that very first day.
"What's up?"
Daniel's tone is casual but Jonah can sense the underlying panic, can tell Daniel is worried. Their whole relationship is worry and denial and Jonah is sick of it. Sick of hiding and confusion and sick of letting Daniel down time and time again. He wants to change it, wants to stop himself before it's too late.
"I need to tell you something."
Daniel doesn't miss that fact that Jonah is echoing Daniel's words from a few days ago. Jonah didn't mean to do it, but now that he has it just seems right.
"What?"
"I think-," Jonah nearly stops, nearly, "I think I'm in love with you."
Jonah watches as several emotions flicker across Daniel's face, watches the surprise, the happiness, the disbelief.
And then Daniel's face falls slightly. Jonah's expression mirrors Daniel's, because this change can't mean anything good.
"You can't be," Daniel says.
Maybe Jonah should have kept his big mouth shut.
xxx
Daniel isn't entirely sure how to respond. Jonah has just uttered the three words that Daniel thought he'd love to hear more than anything else, and yet Daniel has absolutely no idea what to say.
"You can't be," Daniel repeats when Jonah doesn't respond.
It seems that Jonah is desperately searching for words too. His mouth opens and closes several times before he replies, his voice barely more than a whisper. This moment's precious, fragile, and Daniel is pretty sure he's about to break it.
"Why can't I?"
"You told me you didn't know."
"But I do now."
Daniel isn't sure how to put all his thoughts into words, how to explain how he feels to Jonah. Because this is all too sudden, all too simple, Daniel isn't sure that he can just move on. Such an easy ending to their tumultuous journey.
Daniel has spend the past few months wishing that Jonah would say something like that to him, wishing that Jonah would feel the same way and now it's happened, but it doesn't feel exactly Daniel thought that it might. Daniel can't deny the way that his heart is beating, the way that he is having to restrain himself from leaning in to kiss Jonah. But Daniel can't forget all of Jonah's indecision, can't forget how one moment he seems to have made a decision and the next he's completely changed his mind.
Daniel can't forget how much Jonah's indecisiveness has hurt him before.
And so Daniel is finding it hard to believe that Jonah could have come to this conclusion so suddenly. Can't believe that this could really be it. After all, what's to stop Jonah from changing his mind again in a few days time? What's to stop Daniel from investing his heart only to have it broken again?
So the moment is bittersweet. Daniel is caught between handing over his heart and keeping it close. He swings between the two decisions like a pendulum, weighing them up in his head. Daniel doesn't want Jonah to break his heart yet again, their friendship is broken enough as it is, and Daniel is pretty sure that one more misstep and it won't be salvageable. They'll just be two boys who once kissed, two boys who once promised each other the world.
"You can't be in love with me," Daniel begins to explain, "you promised me we'd always be best friends. No matter what."
"And what's to say I don't mean that?"
"I'm just worried Jonah."
"Why?"
"Do you remember the first time you kissed me? We were sat, and I did nothing, you instigated it, you made the first move. And you still pulled away, you changed your mind. And I blamed myself."
"Daniel, I – "
"Shut up, let me speak. And then you kissed me again, told me that you enjoyed it, almost wouldn't let me leave," a small smile crosses Daniel's face at this point, "and I was happy, thought you liked me back. Then a few days later you got pissed at me and told you were only looking for a good fuck. And you know what, I nearly blamed myself. I actually hated you for a little while, I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it."
"Dan - "
"I said shut up," Daniel's tone is light but it's clear he's serious, "and then you promised you'd make it up to me, said we could see where it went. And honestly, those were some of the best weeks of my life, you made me feel wanted, you made me feel great about myself. I haven't felt that happy since long before the whole Charlie thing. And then when things got too serious, you broke it off. And I convinced myself that everything was going to be okay, convinced myself that I could move past this but it's difficult when you keep on telling me that I've still got a chance, and then turning away when things get difficult."
"Daniel I'm sorry."
"I don't blame you Jonah, I don't blame myself, we're both idiots. I just feel like you're always running away, and I'm not sure if I can keep on trying to catch up for much longer. I don't want to hate you, but I'm worried that I'm gonna end up feeling that way anyway."
"But I love you," Jonah's tone sounds as if he might be about to break and Daniel hates it, hates that he's the reason why.
But he just can't do this.
"And how do I know you're not going to change your mind?"
And that's it really. Daniel is terrified that Jonah's going to change his mind, terrified that their relationship is going to be on endless repeat. Jonah will promise something and a few months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds later he'll take it back. And Daniel will be left to try to move on. Over and over again.
How many times can a heart break until it's impossible to put it back together? Daniel doesn't want to find out.
"I promise I won't Daniel," Jonah says.
But both Daniel and Jonah know that Jonah's promises don't mean all that much anymore. It seems that Jonah's already had his last chance and he didn't even realise it.
Because this stupid, painful endless cycle is what is driving the two of them apart. Heartbreak and secrets and promises that keep on being broken. Daniel wants to put a stop to it, and he can only see one way of doing that. Jonah can't break his heart if Daniel doesn't let him have it.
Daniel feels like he's on the verge of tears because this is what he wants, all he's wanted for the past god knows how long. But he's not stupid, knows it's not right. Knows that the wounds they already have need time to heal before they make new ones.
And so Daniel takes a deep breath and turns to Jonah.
"I can't do this with you," Daniel tells Jonah, "not right now."
xxx
Jonah isn't entirely sure what heartbreak feels like, but he thinks this must be close.
It's not so much like his chest hurts; it's the pain of feeling all that built up hope leaving his body. It's looking in Daniel's eyes and knowing that he's lost all that trust, that he's never really going to be forgiven. It doesn't hurt, it aches, like a dull throb in the background, growing every second, a constant reminder of everything that just happened.
What a mess the two of them have become.
Jonah can't help the next question that slips off his tongue, he has to know, has to be certain that Jonah doesn't regret it all.
"Do you wish you never asked me out in the first place?" Jonah asks. "Do you wish we'd never become friends?"
Daniel turns to Jonah with an appalled expression on his face.
"Of course I don't," Daniel says, "how could I ever regret being friends with you? You're great Jonah Clarke, you've helped me realise that I'm not what other people say I am, you make me laugh and I know you're there if I ever need you. I just can't be anything more right now, I just can't do this, knowing that I don't know when – if – you're going to change your mind."
Jonah feels his heart sink further down into his chest but he latches onto the 'not right now', locks the words away for when he needs them next. Locks them away to use the next time the heartbreak hits him all over again.
"Fuck," Jonah sighs, "I've really messed all of this up haven't I?"
"Yeah you have, not going to lie. But it's okay, you were confused, you weren't sure what you wanted. I get it."
The two stay silent, swing back and forth a little bit longer. Try not to meet each other's eyes. But Jonah clings onto their knowledge that their friendship isn't truly broken, not just yet, that there's still a hint of hope for the two of them and whatever the future may bring.
"You're still my best friend," Jonah mutters.
"Ditto," Daniel replies, "well, you and Isaac."
"Well you and Liam."
"I guess Isaac was wrong though," Daniel says.
"What do you mean?"
"Well he told me that Jonah Clarke wasn't gay, and well, I believe you just asked me out," Daniel's tone is light.
They're joking around again and as a result Jonah breathes a sigh of relief.
"Well technically he was right."
"You literally just told me you loved me Jonah, that's pretty gay."
"Yeah but I like girls, so not so gay."
"Details."
"Pretty important ones."
"I suppose so."
Daniel smiles, and Jonah tries to match it. Unlike before, this one fits okay, it's still not there quite at its full strength but it no longer feels wrong, no longer feels forced. Slow steps, maybe that's what the two of them need to get back to where they started.
Deep down Jonah knows that this is the right thing. Knows that he has to prove that this time he's not going to change his mind, that he's going to stick around. Daniel doesn't deserve anything that Jonah put him through and Jonah knows that. And so Jonah knows that he needs to start trying to make it all up to Daniel, knows that time is the key to making sure that things are a little bit more okay. It'll take time, and Jonah is willing to give it.
And Jonah's glad they've made it this far. He's glad that he followed after Daniel, he's glad that he kissed him time and time again, he's glad he tried to figure things out, he's glad that he decided the two of them could be friends. Because maybe things haven't worked out quite how Jonah wanted them to but they're worked out somehow, and that's more than Jonah could have dared to ask for. There's something between them, and that's all Jonah really wants, needs, right now.
For a brief moment Jonah casts his mind back to the very first day in the park. Casts his mind back to the moment where he was tempted to just say no, the moment when he realised that Daniel wouldn't fit in with the rest of his friendship group. Back then Jonah had thought that was a bad thing, now he realises it's just because Daniel was better. He didn't expect too much from Jonah, didn't expect him to be anyone but himself.
And Jonah realises what an idiot he is for believing in the bullshit that said not to offer more than they were willing to give. Especially when Daniel gave Jonah so much, and yet Jonah offered him nothing, nothing that wasn't false promises anyway.
Jonah has fucked up so spectacularly that it seems like a miracle that the two of them are sat here together. And so Jonah is determined to try to fix up his past mistakes, is determined to make things right.
Daniel glances at his watch before an apologetic expression crosses his face.
"I should probably get going," Daniel says, "I didn't tell my mum I wasn't coming straight home and so she'll probably be starting to panic. I'm getting cold anyway, so I better leave before my hands freeze."
Daniel's smile is warm, and Jonah realises that this isn't the end, not just yet. Wordlessly he offers Daniel his jumper.
"You'll be cold," Daniel points out.
"Ruth's picking me up, you're walking home."
"Good point."
"I make some occasionally."
"Thanks."
"No problem."
"Bye," Daniel says, his voice strangely breathless.
"Goodbye," Jonah replies.
Daniel begins to walk away but his step falters at the last minute. He turns back around to face Jonah and takes a few slow steps towards him. Jonah's heart races.
Before Jonah knows what Daniel is doing, Daniel is pressing a kiss somewhere between Jonah's lip and Jonah's cheek.
"See you at school tomorrow."