Jonah Clarke Is Not Gay - Chapter 30: Chapter 30

10:32PM
Parties have never really been Daniel's thing. They're too noisy, there's too much pressure to be sociable and Daniel's last attempt didn't exactly end well. But Liam was intent on throwing a New Year's Eve party, and some part of Daniel didn't want to decline and so he's here. Staring at the bottle of beer in his hand and wondering when his life changed to the point where going to parties seemed like a good idea. Daniel's got to pin this one on Jonah.
The boy in question is stood next to Daniel, casually leant against the wall, taking the occasional swig of his drink.
He smiles when he catches Daniel looking at him.
"You enjoying the party?" Jonah asks.
Daniel can tell that Jonah is teasing him, that Jonah knows exactly how uncomfortable Daniel feels. It's not as bad as it might have been a few months back though, Daniel doesn't feel like the walls are closing in on him. Progress.
"It's not as bad as earlier anticipated," Daniel replies honestly.
"You want to dance then?"
"Baby steps Jonah."
Jonah laughs then, a sound that brings back familiar memories.
"And who are you planning on kissing at midnight?" Jonah asks. "I've seen Will staring at you all night."
Jonah keeps his tone flippant but Daniel can sense the underlying nervousness. Daniel knows who he wants to kiss at midnight, is pretty sure they want to kiss him back. But he keeps his cards close to his chest.
"I haven't decided just yet."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
Silence descends upon them and Daniel shuffles awkwardly from foot to foot.
"Liam's done a really good job on this," Daniel says, a desperate attempt to start conversation, to dispel the tension.
"He has," Jonah agrees, "he's been working on this for weeks, of course he had help from me."
"It's a miracle that it looks this good then, I imagine you were more of a hindrance than a help."
"Hey!"
"The truth hurts Jonah."
"I know, but that one hurt especially."
"We're been friends for nearly a year now, you would have thought you'd be used to it."
"I guess I keep on holding on to the hope that one day you might change."
Daniel isn't sure why that statement hurts so much. A few months back it might have sent him into a dizzying spiral of panic, wondering why he's never okay just the way he is, but now it just stings ever so slightly.
"Really?" Daniel asks, and he can't keep some of the worry out of his voice.
"Of course not," Jonah says, gaze locked with Daniel's, "I love you just the way you are."
The word hangs between them like a trap ready for them to fall into. It's a word they've been skirting around for the past ten months. There's been moments where it's been mentioned before. It's been shouted in anger, whispered over the phone when they've stayed awake late at night. But it's moments like this - when Daniel can see the sincerity written so clearly on Jonah's face - when Daniel wonders if maybe it's time to accept that Jonah means it, that he's not going to change his mind.
Daniel's got until midnight.
"I'm glad," Daniel says.
Daniel never says the word back. Is too afraid that the moment he tells Jonah he still loves him the whole thing is going to come tumbling down. Daniel's almost convinced that the only reason Jonah still loves him is because he's not sure whether Daniel loves him back. That maybe he's staying till he knows, that as soon as Daniel says the words he'll leave. Daniel knows it's stupid, that it's not true, but that doesn't stop him from worrying.
"You know I'm kinda sad this year is almost over," Jonah sighs.
"Why?"
"Cause it's been a great year. I became friends with you, actually managed to survive my first year of A-Levels without crying. Realised that all my friends were douchebags."
"They weren't all douchebags."
"Liam is literally the only exception."
"It has been a pretty good year."
"It's been the best year," Jonah says.
"Maybe next year will be even better," Daniel replies.
"How could it be?"
Daniel knows what Jonah wants him to say. He wants Daniel to say that they could be more than friends. That next year could be the year they fall in love with each other all over again. Could be the year where they can kiss and touch and it doesn't need to be secret. Could be the year where they shout 'I love you' rather than muttering it.
It could be the year. Daniel is convinced that it might be. He doesn't want to offer false promises though.
"You might be able to survive two years of A-Levels," Daniel says jokingly, "now that would be a real achievement."
"Don't even talk to me about A-Levels, I've got two weeks away from them, I don't want to be reminded."
"They're not that bad."
"Oh but they are."
"You're such a drama queen."
"I prefer the term drama overlord."
"Oh god you're such a dork Jonah Clarke."
"But that's why you love me," Jonah prompts.
It would be so easy for Daniel to reply – his voice a little breathless – and to confirm what Jonah has said, but he doesn't, he pauses, still nervous. He opens his mouth ready to say the words, scared of what might happen after.
"Jonah," Liam's voice is panicked, "there are people having sex on my parents' bed and I have no idea what to do."
Jonah rolls his eyes before his gaze meets Daniel's, seemingly just as disappointed that the moment has been lost.
"I'll come help you tell them to stop," Jonah says, "but I told you to put locks on the doors or something Liam."
Daniel can't help the faint smile on his face as Jonah walks away because tonight is the night. Tonight is the night everything will change.
And midnight can't come soon enough.
11:27PM
Jonah can't find Daniel anywhere. He's been searching all over but it seems that as soon as Jonah went upstairs to help Liam, Daniel disappeared.
Of course Jonah knows that he must be here somewhere, that he's not going to have just gone and left. He can't have left. Because Jonah is still holding onto the hope that at midnight everything is going to work out, that Daniel's still going to kiss him and everything will be worth it. That the waiting will be worth it.
Jonah has spent the past eight months since he told Daniel he loved him waiting for Daniel to give him a chance. Jonah doesn't mind the wait, knows that he doesn't deserve to be forgiven easily but Jonah had hoped that tonight might be the night. New year, new start.
He at least wants to be near Daniel at midnight. Close enough to give him the option to kiss him, close enough to see if Daniel has made up his mind, hasn't picked Jonah after all.
Jonah refuses to let himself dwell on that last option.
But Jonah still has to find Daniel before any of this can happen. He's got half an hour but Daniel seems to be nowhere. It's as if he's vanished into thin air. Maybe Jonah's being stupid, maybe Daniel's found someone else at the party and they're not bothering to wait to ring the New Year in. Maybe Will, the annoying boy from the year below, has finally made a move.
It's probably for the better. Will's never doubted what he wants.
Jonah knows now though. Can't believe how incredibly stupid he was to ever deny his feelings for Daniel. And that almost makes this whole situation worse, because Daniel turning him down meant Jonah just cursed every missed opportunity, hated himself for every time he pretended that wasn't what he wanted. Jonah doesn't really blame himself, he was confused, lost, scared. It's difficult trying to work out how you feel for your best friend, even more difficult when you don't think you even swing that way.
Jonah still has no idea what he is, what word he should use to define himself. He's thrown a few words around, bisexual, heteroflexible, demisexual. Jonah has no idea, and so he's given up. He's just content with knowing that he's attracted to Daniel, that he has feelings for Daniel and he's whatever that means.
Daniel. Jonah really needs to find him. It seems a shame to waste midnight and Jonah is determined not to.
"Isaac!" Jonah catches sight of the boy from across the room and shouts.
It's the only way Jonah can think to get Isaac's attention. Especially as the boy is currently immersed in conversation with Via.
"Hey."
"You seen Daniel?"
"I thought he was with you."
"I went to help Liam with something and now I can't find him."
"Idiot," Isaac mutters.
"Me or him?" Jonah asks.
"Both of you," Isaac replies, "I have no idea why I put up with either of you."
Via snorts at that and Jonah turns to her with a raised eyebrow.
"Yes?"
"You're so whipped," Via says, "it's just funny to me. I guess you were right when you said no girl was ever going to make you change your ways."
Jonah scowls.
"Haha," he says sarcastically.
"You love me."
"Debatable."
"Well you're about to love me," Via tells Jonah, "considering you claim you've looked everywhere I'm surprised you don't know that Daniel just headed out to the garden."
"What?" Jonah says. "I just looked there."
"Evidently not well enough," Via says but Jonah is already walking away.
He looks back over his shoulder and offers Via a thankful smile.
"Love you Via," Jonah calls.
"Told you!"
Jonah can't be bothered to reply, he's heading out the patio doors and into the garden. It's freezing outside and Jonah seriously hopes Via isn't messing with him.
It's true that Jonah did look out here but only a quick scan of the garden but now Jonah remembers that Liam's garden is massive, with plenty of places for Daniel to be.
It doesn't take Jonah that long to find him in the end.
Daniel is sat on a swing seat, feet pushing himself gently back and forth. He briefly looks up when he hears Jonah before refocusing his attention on the ground beneath him.
"Hey," Jonah says softly.
"Hi."
"What are you doing out here? It's freezing."
"Just felt like taking a break from the party," Daniel replies, "I was kind of sick of trying to make it clear to Will that I wasn't interested."
Jonah feels his heart leap, just the tiniest bit, but enough that he notices it.
"So you're not planning on kissing him at midnight?"
"I never was."
There it is again. That tiny leap. Barely noticeable but Jonah's looking out for it this time. His pulse feels like its speeding up and Jonah just wants to tell Daniel those three words all over again. He holds himself back though, he feels like that's not what Daniel wants to hear right now.
"Well can we maybe go back inside? My hands are starting to go numb and I promise to fend Will off if he tries to make another advance."
Daniel offers Jonah a smile at that.
"My knight in shining armour," Daniel says teasingly.
"I'm pretty sure in the stories the Prince never has to fend any other princes away."
"I'm pretty sure in the fairy tales, the Prince is never making a move on another Prince," Daniel points out.
"Who says I was making a move?" Jonah asks, makes it clear that he's joking.
"Fair enough," Daniel replies, his tone just as light, "but I mean if you were making a move then you might want to know something."
"What?"
Jonah feels breathless. And he's pretty sure that this moment, this minute, this place, is going to be imprinted in his memory for a while to come.
"I know who I want to kiss at midnight."
11:59PM
Daniel can feel Jonah's body pressed against his as they wait for the countdown to begin. Everywhere they touch it feels like there's an electric current passing through their skin.
He almost says something but holds himself back; instead he waits for the countdown to begin. Patient but impatient. He wants to savour the moment but also it can't come quick enough.
Ten.
Daniel's hand slips into Jonah's.
Nine.
Daniel's tugging Jonah so that he's turning around to face him. Their eyes meet. Daniel can barely breathe.
Eight.
The two of them can do nothing but stare at each other wide eyed. It's been eight months since they last kissed and Daniel can hardly wait.
Seven.
Daniel's fingers slide into Jonah's hair, through each strand.
Six.
"Daniel."
"Shh-."
Five.
Tracing the shape of Jonah's lips with his hand, Daniel can feel anticipation bubbling underneath his skin. It's taking all of his self control to wait for those few final seconds to pass.
Four.
Daniel peppers soft kisses along Jonah's jaw, stopping when he gets close to Jonah's lips.
Three.
"Daniel," Jonah says again, breathless.
Two.
Daniel allows his forehead to rest against Jonah's, barely a sliver between them.
One.
Daniel's nose brushes against Jonah's. Their lips aren't quite touching, not just yet.
Zero.
The two of them barely hear everyone else cheering the New Year in. Because their lips are pressed together. There's no hesitation, no worrying if this is the right time or the right place. There's just their bodies pressed together, lips connected. Jonah's hands in Daniel's hair, Daniel's hand cupping Jonah's face.
It's the kind of kiss people share when they think they're never going to see each other again. The kind of kiss that lovers over the centuries have shared. The kind of kiss that shows how hopelessly lost in one another you are. The kind of kiss that says you don't care about anything else but that moment, that other person, their lips against yours. The kind of kiss where it feels like you need each other more than you need oxygen or food. The kind of kiss where they're part of you, another limb, another organ. They're the word that echoes through your body with every beat of your heart.
Daniel draws back, forehead still pressed against Jonah's.
"God I've missed kissing you," Daniel says,
"You have no idea how many times I've thought about kissing you since we last did," Jonah tells Daniel, "god some nights I can't sleep because I'm thinking of your lips against mine."
"Really?"
"Really Daniel, shit, I'm so glad you picked me at midnight."
"It was never going to be anyone else. I realised that tonight, it could never be anyone else. Every time I thought about this kiss it was you."
"Well I'm glad," Jonah says, "because if I didn't kiss you at midnight, I was going to be seeing the New Year in alone."
"Well personally I think this is the perfect way to bring the new year in," Daniel whispers.
"I couldn't agree more."
"I hope you don't mind if I suggest we shut up now."
"Depends on what you're suggesting as the alternative," Jonah replies.
Daniel doesn't answer, not with words anyway, he's pressing his lips to Jonah's. And they're kissing all over again. Kissing like it's the first and the last time all at once. Daniel's hands linked around Jonah's neck. Daniel can feel Jonah smiling.
"I fucking love you," Daniel murmurs against Jonah's lips.
The smile grows wider.
Then they're kissing again, slower this time, savouring the moment, dragging it out for as long as it agrees to last. Daniel has never been more glad of standing in a dark corner away from most of the party because he has no plans to stop kissing Jonah anytime soon.
Daniel knows they could have been doing this sooner but this feels like the right time, the right moment, the right ending to their story. Daniel can't count the amount of times he thought he'd lost Jonah over the past ten months, can't count the amount of times his heart was racing, through anger or something else. But now that Daniel's got Jonah, he plans on keeping him for as long as he can.
The kiss is intoxicating. Daniel always thought the perfect kiss meant that everything would fade into the background, would make everything else fade into insignificance. But that's not the case. It's as if all of Daniel's senses are heightened. He can hear the blood rushing in his ears, can feel every crevice of Jonah's lips, he can see the stars behind his eyelids brighter than ever. It's perfect and glorious and absolutely breathtaking.
"Wow," is all Daniel can murmur when the kissing pauses.
"I'm insanely in love with you."
"You've mentioned before," Daniel says teasingly, "but it's nice to hear it all the same."
A kiss to Daniel's forehead, a kiss to the tip of his nose and finally a kiss on the lips. Short, sweet. And then Jonah goes for it again. A kiss to Daniel's cheek, and then Jonah's lips are against the shell of Daniel's ear.
"I'm so glad you asked me out," Jonah whispers, "and I'm so glad I chased after you. And I'm so glad we decided to become friends."
Jonah pulls away.
"And."
A kiss to Daniel's forehead.
"I'm."
A kiss to Daniel's jaw.
"So."
To his chin.
"Glad."
To the corner of Daniel's lips.
"You."
To the other corner.
"Didn't"
This time Jonah actually places a kiss against Daniel's lips, it last barely more than a second though.
"Give."
Another to the lips.
"Up."
Another.
"On."
Yet another.
"Me."
A proper kiss this time, one that lasts, one that makes Daniel feel all sorts of things
And all Daniel can think is how glad he is too. Glad that things have finally worked out, glad that Jonah hasn't let him down.
3:19AM
The party's beginning to die down. Most people have left and now there's just a small group of teens sat around the coffee table in the front room. Alcohol's still flowing, Jonah's still refusing to let go of Daniel's hand.
Isaac keeps on looking over and rolling his eyes whenever he sees them kiss but Jonah can see that deep down Isaac is finally pleased that the two of them have actually confronted the issue, are finally something rather than just two best friends who tell each other they love each other.
"I just realised something," Jonah says, leaning over to whisper into Daniel's ear.
Daniel looks worried, which is understandable. Jonah's tone is serious, and Jonah can't imagine that Daniel is expecting anything good to come out of his mouth, Jonah usually manages to say something stupid to fuck things up when they're going well. Not this time though.
"What?" Daniel replies.
"I need to ask you something."
"What?" Daniel repeats, this time even more wary.
"Will you go on a date with me?" Jonah asks. "A proper one. We can be totally cliché and do a movie and a film, or I'll track down a fairground so you can go on the Ferris wheel without having a panic attack this time, or we could go to the zoo or to the beach or just something. On a date, a proper date, where we hold hands and kiss and everything."
"I think we should save the everything for the bedroom Jonah."
"That's not what I meant and you know it!"
"Whatever you say."
Jonah simply shakes his head and rolls his eyes, not even bothering to argue back.
"So will you?"
"Will I what?" Daniel says. "I appear to have forgotten the question."
"Why do I like you again?"
"Because I'm handsome, charming, hilarious and I actually put up with you when you're acting like an idiot."
"Fair point," Jonah says, "I can't really argue with any of that. So will you go on a date with me?"
Daniel pauses as if he's thinking about it, catches his bottom lip between his teeth.
"I suppose if you really insist."
Daniel barely has time to take a breath before Jonah is pressing their lips together in response. Hands cupping Daniel's face, trailing down his neck until they're on his shoulders, then playing with the hair at the nape of his neck.
"Either the two of you need to get a room or you need to keep it PG," Via's voice manages to capture the pair's attention.
Daniel blushes. Jonah smirks.
"Well I'm happy for the two of us to go upstairs," Jonah says, his tone teasing, "Daniel?"
Jonah receives a light slap on the arm in reply.
"I'll take that as a no then."
"I'd take that as a later," Isaac suggests jokingly, receiving a glare from Daniel in response.
"I'm joking Danny-Boy," Jonah says, resting his forehead against Daniel's and dropping his voice so only Daniel can hear him, "I mean I'd love to do that stuff with you, even though I don't really know how to do any of that stuff with you, but I'd love to learn how to do that stuff with you. But not yet, don't worry."
"Not yet?" Daniel's tone is half-statement, half-question.
"I literally asked you out like five minutes ago," Jonah points out, only partially teasing, "and y'know, I don't think either of us is ready for... that, just yet."
"Speak for yourself, I've been waiting ten months to bang you."
"Always such a sweetheart, I think 'bang you' might just be the most romantic thing someone has ever said to me."
"Shut up."
"Make me."
A kiss. That's all it takes to make Jonah quiet. It doesn't last long, both of them know they risk being kicked out of the room if they make too much of it but when they pull away both of them have wide smiles on their faces, an ecstatic gleam in their eyes.
"You should tell me to shut up more often," Jonah suggests.
"Won't be difficult," Daniel tells him, "I mean you speak absolute rubbish half the time anyway."
"Fuck you, Daniel Evans," Jonah says lightly, "fuck you."
"Anytime."
Daniel smirks. And that makes Jonah wants to kiss him senseless but they're supposed to be keeping it PG and over Daniel's shoulder Jonah can see Isaac sitting with eyebrows raised in a disapproving manner.
"Maybe we should save that for later."
"Who says the offer will still stand later."
Jonah trails a single finger up Daniel's arm, watching as goose bumps form in the wake of his touch, he can feel Daniel's pulse quickening beneath the skin.
"Trust me," Jonah says, "the offer will still stand later."
"Always so cocky."
"It's why you love me."
"Eh – that's more because you're extremely attractive."
"You know what I'll take that," Jonah replies, "I mean I knew I was good looking but it's nice to have you confirm it for me."
"You're an idiot Jonah Clarke."
"I'm your idiot Daniel Evans."
And this time when Jonah says those words he really means them. Because he's Daniel's, for however long Daniel wants him to be. Right now Jonah couldn't imagine saying those words to anyone else, can't imagine kissing anyone else or feeling his heart clench in that same delectable way whenever he sees them. Jonah is Daniel's, and his heart belongs to him completely and utterly.
It's Daniel Jonah sees when he closes his eyes, it's Daniel's name that feels like it's etched onto Jonah's heart and it feels like it's always going to be him.
To be perfectly honest Jonah doesn't know what the future is going to bring. Whether they'll survive university, or whether they'll even make it to the end of this year or whether they'll be dancing the funky chicken at their seventy-fifth wedding anniversary.
But Jonah does know one thing.
When he sees Daniel smile it's as if the whole world stops.