Jonah Clarke Is Not Gay - Chapter 4: Chapter 4

The train is almost empty and with some wandering, Jonah and Daniel manage to find a carriage in which they are the only people. Jonah takes the opportunity to spread himself out over three seats and Daniel cannot help but roll his eyes at him.
Daniel takes a deep breath. There's something he's been wanting to say to Jonah for a while now but he's never really known when and so he decides he might as well go for it now, while he has the chance.
"Thanks," Daniel says quietly.
Unluckily for him his voice is so small and the train is making a racket as it passes through the tunnel and so Jonah turns to look at him in confusion.
"Sorry," Jonah replies, "can you repeat that?"
"Thanks," Daniel repeats, louder this time, "you know for being so chill about me asking you out."
"Like I said, it's a free world; people should be able to ask out who they want."
"I know," Daniel replies, "but not everybody thinks like that."
"What do you mean?"
Daniel sighs because he really does not want to tell Jonah about this, it's embarrassing and stupid and if Daniel could ever conjure up a reason for Jonah to stop being friends with him, it would be this.
"Let's just say I've had some negative experiences asking out guys in the past."
"You mean I wasn't the first?" Jonah says in mock hurt.
Daniel lets out a light laugh but it sounds forced and like his throat is desperately trying to get rid of it. Daniel grimaces before looking up at Jonah with a sad smile.
"You were the second," Daniel replies, "and the only one who wasn't a dick."
"I know," Jonah says and this time he is the one who speaks so quietly Daniel cannot be sure that he heard him properly.
"Sorry, what did you just say?"
"I know," Jonah repeats, "I know what happened with you and Charlie, I've seen the video."
Daniel swears to god that the carriage suddenly gets smaller and it's like the walls are pressing in on him and he can't breathe properly... the air just won't cooperate with his lungs. He's trying, but it's like he's underwater and someone is holding him under the surface no matter how hard he swims. His vision feels cloudy and all Daniel can think about is the fact that Jonah knows, that someone knows. Daniel had hoped that moving schools would effectively eradicate his past but if Jonah knows then who else at the school knows, how long is it till it all starts again, all the teasing and the pushing and the cruel jokes. And Daniel feels like he's falling from a great height and there's nothing he can do to stop the impact because Daniel isn't sure he can live through it all again, not after the last time.
The carriage is blurry and Daniel can feel his cheeks starting to dampen. He furiously tries to wipe away the tears from his cheeks but it's no use, they're falling thick and fast and nothing Daniel does can stop the flow.
He stands up, and he doesn't know why, but it feels like the right thing to do because Daniel wants to run, far away from everything. Jonah, Charlie, the video. He just wants to run until his lungs hurt and he's not thinking anymore. Daniel can't help but laugh at how ironic that is, because he hates sports.
Daniel's breaths are ragged and it takes a few moments for him to notice that Jonah has placed a gentle hand on his arm and is trying to tug him back onto his seat.
"Breathe," Jonah murmurs over and over, "it's all going to be okay."
It's hard for Daniel to believe what he's saying but he focuses on the rhythm of Jonah's voice and allows it to soothe his breathing. It's strange, it's as if Jonah's voice can take Daniel to a place where he feels safer, there's something about his voice that almost makes Daniel forget about everything else.
Slowly Daniel returns to his seat and buries his head in his hands and tries to regulate his breathing. Jonah rubs circles on Daniel's back and stays silent.
Eventually, when Daniel feels like his world isn't completely spinning out of control, he looks up at Jonah with a small smile on his face, which is gladly returned by Jonah who swiftly removes his hand.
"Sorry about that," Daniel says.
"It's okay," Jonah promises, "if I knew it was going to affect you like that then I would have been more tactical about it."
"It's just me overreacting."
"No it's not Daniel," Jonah says, "we've been over this. You are perfectly entitled to whatever emotions you are feeling. If you're upset about something then I can't say you're not cause I don't know about it. You feel how you feel. You can't control it so I sure as hell shouldn't try to."
"You're surprisingly sensible."
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"Have you met your friends?"
"Fair point."
xxx
The panic in Jonah's chest is slowly subsiding as the smile on Daniel's face grows ever so gradually wider, Jonah can tell that it's forced but the fact that Daniel is even trying makes Jonah feel better.
Jonah's not sure what it is but he feels like he's on the verge of crying too. There's something about seeing someone you care about in such a state that makes you worry. And Jonah can feel the panic like it's a second skin and he doesn't like it, he's not used to it, he's never been this worried about someone ever before.
After a few beats of silence Jonah realises he should probably say something.
"You know I don't know much about it," Jonah says hopelessly, "I've only seen the video and heard a few rumours."
"From where?" Daniel ask.
Jonah can understand why. It is practically impossible to imagine Jonah talking to anyone from Daniel's old school. The two schools despise each other and the other school looks down on the students of Wellchester High.
"My sister, that guy she's dating went there," Jonah explains.
"Is your sister dating Evan?" Daniel asks.
"Yeah.. wait... is that why you ran away when Evan came to talk to me?"
"Maybe," Daniel says sheepishly, "I didn't realise you knew and I was worried he would bring it up."
"Evan's not like that."
"I don't really know him; he was three years above me and barely acknowledged my existence until everything happened."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Jonah is fully expecting Daniel to say no – would completely understand it – but feels like he should ask anyway. He can see Daniel deliberating, can see the way he chews his lips between his teeth as he thinks.
"Kind of," Daniel says eventually.
"You don't have to."
"I think I want to," Daniel admits, "I mean I don't want you to be hearing rumours and getting the wrong story, might as well tackle it now before it's been hyped up."
"Fair enough."
Jonah falls silent and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't almost expecting Daniel to back out now. And Jonah would understand entirely because he can tell just from the way Daniel is sitting and from the way that Daniel's breaths have still not really returned to normal that Daniel is finding this difficult already.
"So I was a shy, awkward Year 11 in a pretty small school and I guess I just didn't really fit in," Daniel starts, "I'd just come out and people were acting really off with me, I guess they didn't really say anything outright but I could tell they were talking about me behind my back. Anyway it was pretty shit, and I didn't really have friends, and then Charlie Martin messaged me on facebook and told me he liked my hair. That was it, I replied and said thanks and we ended up chatting back and forth all night. And then the next night and then next night and pretty much every night after that. He invited me to sit with his friends at lunch and they were all so nice to me and they'd invite me to parties and take me shopping. And Charlie and I told each other everything, I told him all about what was going on at home and we shared god knows how many secrets and then one night he messaged me and told me he couldn't hide it any longer, he was gay."
At this point Daniel's breaths become ragged again and he has to stop to try to catch his breath. Jonah starts rubbing his back awkwardly again in a desperate attempt to help and even though he knows he's probably not helping much, Jonah can't possibly sit by and do nothing whilst Daniel looks as if he's on the verge of tears. It's just not an idea that Jonah can contemplate but as he's not capable of doing all that much, Jonah contents himself with rubbing awkward circles.
"You don't have to do this."
"I should do this," Daniel replies, "just, give me a minute."
Jonah is more than happy to wait, he understands the importance of giving people time and so he fixes his eyes on the scenery rushing past and waits until Daniel deems himself ready again.
"Okay, right," Daniel says, "Well, at first it meant nothing to me. I mean I'd been more than content with us just being friends before because it was nice to have someone to talk to, and to share my feelings with and to tell when I was feeling sad or embarrassed or angry. But then after he told me our relationship started to change, he started to become flirty, like he wasn't telling me he liked me, it was more suggestiveness and little innuendoes. And all this time he's continuing to be my friend and I guess I find myself falling for him, and the thing is it's not like I realise, it's more like I've only realised I jumped off the edge of the cliff when I find myself falling, if that makes any sense, and before I know it I've got a massive crush on my best friend. Like normally that would panic me, send me into overdrive because no, that's not okay. But hey, Charlie was gay so I couldn't wait to tell him because I couldn't wait to show all those people who had said mean things to me that I was allowed to be happy too, that there was a chance for me to find someone despite what they'd said, that there was a chance for everything to work out okay for me no matter how hard they'd tried to make sure there wasn't."
Daniel chokes back a sob again and Jonah's hand instantly goes to his back. And this time when Daniel resumes talking, Jonah doesn't bother to stop.
"So I was so pumped to tell him. I couldn't freaking wait. And I'd planned it all out, and I knew exactly what I was going to say. And so I hunted him down at break and I stopped him and I told him that I thought I liked him and asked him if he wanted to go on a date sometime and he laughed. Right in my face. Couldn't explain why he was laughing because he couldn't breathe he found it that funny, when he eventually managed to get a word out he explained that he wasn't actually gay, it was just an 'experiment' to see if I would fall for him. He told me I was desperate and ugly and stupid. I thought that was the end of it but apparently Charlie wasn't done. Next morning I walk into school to be greeted with pictures of our facebook conversation plastered all over the walls. The next morning I walk in to be greeted by a video of me asking Charlie out and him laughing in my face. It didn't take long until he wasn't the only one laughing at me."
Daniel can no longer hold it all in. Suddenly he's doubled over and his body is releasing huge sobs as his body shakes and his hands grip onto the armrest tightly.
"Fuck," Daniel says, "I'm sorry Jonah; I don't know why I'm crying this hard, it's just, you're the first person I've told. Shit, god Jonah, I'm so sorry, so fucking sorry. I'm so stupid, god."
Jonah honestly thinks he feels his heart breaking as Daniel says that.
"Don't say that Daniel," Jonah begs, "please. You're not stupid; you have every right in the world to cry because what you went through, nobody should have to go through that. You're not stupid, you're brave and funny and kind and amazing but you're not stupid; don't ever let anybody tell you that."
Daniel tries to smile but the sobs are still taking over his body and Jonah has no idea what to do. He feels hopeless because Daniel is sobbing and Jonah just wants him to smile but he feels like there's nothing he can do. Jonah isn't sure how he can make it clear to Daniel just how amazing he is because it seems Daniel has already made up his mind based on what others have said.
Right then and there Jonah decides he hates Charlie Martin. He hates Charlie Martin for thinking this whole idea was funny, he hates Charlie Martin for making Daniel feel worthless and he hates Charlie Martin for being the biggest dick in the universe. Jonah hates Charlie Martin more than he's ever hated anybody before.
xxx
Daniel is trying to stop the tears but right now his efforts seem to be pointless because he can't stop them. The tears are falling thick and fast and Daniel is finding it difficult to remember how to breathe.
He shuts his eyes and focuses on the feeling of Jonah's hand on his back. He focuses on the circular motion and tries to use the rhythm to regulate his breaths. It's difficult and Daniel can feel himself growing faint as he squeezes his eyes shut tighter. He tries to picture that he's some place other than the train, he tries to pretend he's on a beach and tries to hear the sea. It's no use though; Daniel can feel his mind floating until it is as if he is looking down on himself from up above. Daniel hates this feeling, because he hates having to look at himself cry, it makes him feel weak. Usually there's nothing Daniel can do but deal with it but this time he's with Jonah, and right now it feels like Jonah is the only thing capable of tethering Daniel's mind to his body, he's the only thing that makes living in the moment seem worth it.
When he can think clearly again and he feels more like himself Daniel slowly opens a single eye to see Jonah staring at him with worry on his face.
"Sorry," he says.
"I already told you, you have nothing to be sorry for."
And then Jonah offers Daniel a lopsided smile that he is unable to return but Jonah seems to understand that as his smile grows a little wider, as if he's trying to be happy enough for the both of them.
Daniel can tell that Jonah is trying hard to distract Daniel and make him smile.
"What does a nosey pepper do?" Jonah asks.
Unsure of where Jonah is going with this, Daniel chooses to stay silent. Jonah carries on regardless.
"Gets jalapeño business."
Daniel tries to smile but can't. He's too busy wondering how on earth Jonah is still being this nice to him even after he's told him everything. And Daniel isn't going to fool himself into thinking that telling Jonah about Charlie isn't a big deal, because it's a massive deal, it's a super-freaking colossal deal. And Daniel feels stupid just thinking about what he did and he wonders how on earth Jonah can still want to hang out with him after he found out about it all.
For a brief moment it crosses Daniel's mind that maybe Jonah has been hired by Charlie for round two. To be honest it fits the pattern but then Daniel looks at Jonah who is continuing to look at Daniel with such concern and Daniel feels bad for even considering that possibility.
Whilst Daniel is thinking all this Jonah is still persisting in his efforts to make Daniel smile.
"What do you call an alligator in a vest?" Jonah asks. "An Investigator."
"What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?"
"You'll die."
"No Daniel! Every morning you'll rise and shine!"
"That's terrible."
"Well," Jonah sighs, "what do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?"
Daniel feels bad, because he knows Jonah is trying hard but Daniel highly doubts that crappy jokes are going to fix this situation, as much as he wants them to.
"I don't know," Daniel says.
"Guardians of the Galaxy."
Daniel can't say that he finds the joke that funny but Jonah evidently does as he is trying to conceal his laughter. Through his tears Daniel can see that Jonah's eyes have lit up and that the smile on his face is growing wider and that only serves to make Daniel happy, because Jonah's laughter is infectious and somehow Daniel finds that he too is doubled over laughing and that there are tears in his eyes but this time it is from laughing so it's all okay.
The pair of them can't even look at each other, every time Daniel catches Jonah's eye it sets the two of them up again.
However once the two have recovered from their hysteria, Daniel's expression transforms into one of serious and he turns to look at Jonah directly.
"So you really don't mind?" Daniel asks.
"Why would I mind?"
"I guess I'm just worried that you'll find it funny like everyone else did."
"There is nothing funny about what you just told me okay," Jonah says, "not at all. Charlie Martin is a douche who didn't even deserve you to give him the time of day. And he lost a bomb-ass friend just because he thought making people feel like shit was funny and honestly the guy deserves to have rotten fruit thrown at him. So no, to answer your question, I don't mind that you had to deal with someone as vile as that for two years of your life because none of it, and I mean none of it, was your fault Daniel. So stop telling yourself that it was."
When Jonah stops talking Daniel is surprised that Jonah's breathing is ragged too, as if he didn't breathe through all of that.
"Sorry," Jonah says, "I just hate to see you like this and I apparently don't have a filter."
"It's okay, but I thought you promised not to use the phrase bomb-ass again?"
"I didn't promise anything."
"You really should, for everybody's benefit."
"You don't control me," Jonah says teasingly, "and believe it or not I don't do things for your benefit."
"Well you're a terrible friend then aren't you?"
"I'm not sure you really believe what you're saying right now Daniel."
"Seriously though Jonah, thank you."
"What for?"
"Being a friend."
xxx
When Jonah gets home the first thing he does is text Daniel.
To: Dannosaurus Rex
Hope you had a good time today and I hope you're feeling better now.
From: Dannosaurus Rex
I had a great time, however my mum is now worried I am on drugs because my eyes were red when I got home. I hate my parents
Jonah smiles at that, because he can only imagine Daniel being interrogated by his parents and the thought is enough to make a small chuckle leave his mouth.
To: Dannosaurus Rex
Well hopefully you'll manage to survive it, I'm not sure how I'll get through school without you if they kill you
From: Dannosaurus Rex
You've managed the past god knows how many years without me, anyway I better go, mum is starting to roll her eyes at me so I'm definitely in deep shit
To: Dannosaurus Rex
Just so you know those years were infinitely worse than this one, and have fun!
"Who you texting?"
Jonah was so consumed in thoughts of Daniel that he jumps when he hears Ruth's voice. Unluckily she is stood directly behind him, peering over his shoulder at his phone, and so Jonah unintentionally elbows her in the ribs.
"Shit I'm sorry."
"It's fine, but now you have to answer my question," Ruth replies.
"Daniel."
"Is he the guy you skipped school with the other day?"
"Yeah," Jonah replies, "we went out for the day today together and I was just chatting to him for a bit."
"Is there any particular reason why he ran away from my boyfriend?" Ruth asks with a smile on her face.
"Evan told you about that? Man, it's complicated, like really, really complicated," Jonah tells his sister, "it wasn't to do with Evan though so you can tell him not to worry about Daniel hating him or anything."
"So why did he run away?"
"He didn't run," Jonah replies before continuing when he sees Ruth roll her eyes at him, "it's kind of a long story."
"It's a good job that I'm free all evening then kiddo."
"Do you remember when Evan told us all about the stuff that was going down in the lower years last year?"
"You're going to have to elaborate."
"Do you remember the video he showed of us, where that guy asked another guy out and then it turned out they'd been pulling a prank on him all along."
"That was horrible."
"Yeah well Daniel was the one doing the asking out," Jonah replies, "he didn't realise I'd seen it and didn't want me to find out so ran away from Evan in case Evan decided to tell me."
"Wow," Ruth says and she lets out a puff of air, "that's rough for the kid, I'm guessing he's still not over it then."
"Not really."
"So how did you two meet?"
"He kind of asked me out."
"Seriously," Ruth replies, "that kid has some guts to do it a second time! What did you say?"
"He ran off before I had a chance to reply so I went after him."
"Is that why you skipped school."
"Yeah," Jonah admits.
"Well can I give you one piece of advice?"
"Of course."
"Don't break his heart Jonah," Ruth says, "don't lead the boy on, he's been through enough already and the last thing he needs is for you to be friends with him. I know that you're firmly interested in the ladies Jonah but you're definitely a flirt, with everyone, so don't make him question his feelings cause that sort of relationship isn't healthy, for either of you."
"You sound like you really know what you're talking about," Jonah says teasingly.
"I've read a lot of books," Ruth replies, "and the characters always seem to have plenty of relationship problems so I think I'm probably a qualified expert in dealing with them now."
"I'm not sure that's how it works."
"Whatever," Ruth says and then her tone suddenly becomes very serious, "listen Jonah are you sure that you're not gay? Like I know it's weird to ask but I think you need to be certain before you enter into this friendship blindly."
"We're just friends Ruth," Jonah tells her, "I mean I like girls, a lot."
"You can like both you know."
"Can we please not have this conversation right now?"
"Fine," Ruth says, "I'm just saying the way you talk about him you would think that the two of you were dating or something. I mean you had a smile on your face when you were texting that I've never seen you wear before."
"What are you trying to say Ruth?"
"Nothing, just," Ruth pauses briefly as she gets up off the bed, "I ship it!"
With that Ruth runs out the door leaving Jonah looking stunned and hating his sister just a little bit.