Just Friends - Chapter 27: Chapter 27
You are reading Just Friends , Chapter 27: Chapter 27. Read more chapters of Just Friends .
Spencer's POV
It was an early morning yesterday, I was up before the dawn
And I really have enjoyed my stay, but I must be moving on
Like a king without a castle, like a queen without a throne
I'm an early morning lover, and I must be moving on
It was snowing.
Which was weird, because the weatherman swore up and down the night before that it would have let up by now. He even stuck smiley sun faces on his little display board to illustrate his point. He was probably chased out of time a la Fairly Odd Parents by now.
If this was any other time of the year, I would've been included in the mob. Hell, I'd buy the pitch forks and print out the get out of town signs, as well as bring the matches for the torches, but the unpredictability of nature was something that I actually welcomed today. And for someone who loathed changed (more now than ever), it was sort of strange; even for me.
It was because everything seemed to be chugging forward like clockwork; on time and not a second later. My bags were packed and things were shipped four days ago as they were supposed to, our things landed in NYC not a minute after they were supposed to, our plain tickets were booked, our home in NYC was nice and ready for someone to inhabit it. Everything ran smoothly; right down to the grandfather clock being placed in the new dining room.
I was leaving and there wasn't a single doubt anymore.
So, the smell of rain and snow mixing with the scent of the coffee sitting on the dresser was something I liked because they mixed so well together in the strangest of ways. The snow smelt of rain and unexpectedness, and the coffee drenched the room with thespellbinding scent of hot coffee beans, natural honey, sweetened sugar and bitter finality. It's hard to think about what that combination would taste like or if I would like it at all but, at least something changed; at least something wasn't going according to plan today.
Unfortunately, the snow falling outside wasn't stopping any shows. After all, it wasn't storming and even then I doubted that anything would have been halted. I had hoped it so; I hoped that the little bits of frozen water falling from the sky would turn into boulders from mountains and rain down in a cinematic kind of fashion on our town if it would have just allowed me to stay just one more night; even without power. But that was just selfish wishful thinking. And that was three days ago when the snow started. By now, I was fully prepared to go.
My fingers traced the glass of the window as bits of the snow hit the window and turned into water. It had been a very cold night and in more ways than one. Luckily, Ethan's room had always been the warmest of the house... in more ways than one.
Speaking of the younger, he had been the bathroom for a good forty minutes now; and even though he tried to preempt my worrying by explaining that he was going to take a long bath today, to you know, smell nice for my departure, I knew that he went in there to sulk under some hot water. I would've thought that he would've grown enough for him to know that he could express all his emotions in front of me. We've been doing it for the past few weeks, but I guess being today made things a lot different. A Game Changer.
"Spencer."
I turned around to face Abby, apron on and smiling; though it didn't touch her eyes. "You want a cupcake or something?" she asked and never mind that it was 10 in the morning because it only occurred to me just then that I had never tried anything Abby has ever cooked. I mean, Karla used to talk about how well she could bake, fry and stir for years now. She even called her an even gayer Rachel Ray.
But I wasn't in the mood for sprinkles and sweets at the moment. "I think I'll stick with my coffee." I replied, smiling, but the worried look on her face told me that it too didn't quite reach my pupils.
"You know what I realized last night?" she questioned and I waited for a brief moment to see if she would continue...but she didn't.
"What?" I swallowed.
"That, Karla left and now you are." She inhaled. "It's sort of, I don't know, sad I guess. I'm not going to be graduating with my two best friends and it's just weird. I've never made you anything to eat, we've never discussed... " Her eyes were glassy. "I guess...what I'm trying to say is should I make you something for the road?" she smiled. "I heard train rides are a bitch this time of year."
"No." I chuckled. "I'll be okay."
It goes without saying that Pleasant Acres wasn't the biggest of towns. Certainly not in Idaho and definitely not in America. With a population of a little over 14,000, it wasn't really necessary that we had some of the things that bigger towns had – most notably on this winter morning, an airport. If you wanted to get to one, you'd have to drive to one: The Train was the best transport, really, but it was often stuffy, but it was efficient and so they said yes to going on it.
Abby's eyes were shining – with what I couldn't tell and she wore a little smile with a blend of sadness and sympathy that was both beautiful to see and painful to look at. "I'm still going to make you a cupcake or two...just in case."
A little smile went to my lips. "Thank you, Abbs." I paused. "For you know, everything."
There was an extended second of just the sound of rushing snow and slow paced heartbeats. "Anytime."
Before I could tell her what flavor of cupcake I preferred, her eyes shot left and dimmed, although the smile stayed in place. "Ethan, morning sleepy head." She giggled as Ethan came into sight with a towel wrapped lazily around his waist and water still dripping from his hair and streaking down his chest like the snow falling outside. "Hey Abby," Ethan smiled and went to hug her but caught himself when he noticed that he was naked; he opted for a kiss on the forehead instead, but caught her blonde hair seeing as she was so tiny in comparison, "What're you doing here so early?"
"Helping your mom in the kitchen for Josh's farewell dinner. Karla and Suzy are already down there helping her out."
"Oh." E mumbled, glancing into his room for a quick second at me for a shorter time span before refocusing on the little blonde girl leaning against the frame of his darkened bedroom door. "I'll be down to help her in a bit."
Abby shook her head. "No, no. Let the ladies handle this today." She chuckled. "It's a great way for us to bond," she through my a fleeting gaze, "plus, you have ...other things to attend to."
There was a pause. "Right." He said, quick and sharp and soaked with sadness. "Thanks." He mumbled, patting her on the head before coming into the room. Abby gave me just one more look for she excused herself, closing the door as she left.
Then Ethan huffed and finally looked at me. "Today's the day, huh?"
I took a moment. "It is."
He nodded and stumbled to the bed where he took a seat in his wet towel and patted the pace next to him. "You're messing up the spread." I chided, but he ignored and smacked the spot next to him a bit more roughly this time and so I huffed and walked over and took the seat.
"It'll dry." He finally said before another lengthy silence came in between us. "So, what's your favorite sitcom finale?"
"Tha's random and I don't know, really." I answered. "Friends, maybe." I thought about it. "Friends, definitely."
"Mm." he mumbled. "I liked the The Mary Tyler Moore one."
I raised a brow. "I've never seen you watch that show."
"I've only seen the finale."
"Did you cry?"
"Nope."
"Not even a little.?"
"Nuh-uh"."
"Really?"
"NO."
"Really, really, really?"
"Okay," he boomed, "A little bit!" he said, flailing his arms in the air and I couldn't help but snort out a big laugh. And he reddened like a tomato. "It was just so touching, you know. They made a bad situation into a good thing and it was just so great and sweet and stuff." He said, mumbling the last part and looking into his lap to play with his fingers. "I also liked this one Russian show I watched. I can't remember what it's called but it was of a news anchor team that covered news stories. But, we couldn't see any further than that. It was just news all the time and in Russian with subtitles. I used to watch it online – don't tell the cops – and it was really compelling and it got cancelled."
"Ethan, I think – I think that was actually just a news show you were watching."
He blinked. "Then why was there so much sexual tension?" he questioned. "And why did the anchorwoman say goodbye in the most comically Russian voice, like, ever?"
I rolled my eyes. "How did she say it?"
"This is zGoodbye." He said and I barley caught that. "You know, like The Goodbye...but in Russian or something...like Hitler so the 'the' sounded like a 'z'."
I didn't even bother on correcting him on the German-Russian thing or how incredibly ignorant that was because he was Ethan and he's never going to change. It was just best just to save breaths and to allow him to just be him.
"I wonder what The Teen Wolf finale would be like?" he said again, knocking me out of my thoughts with his goofy smile, "God, I'm going to be a snotty mess when that shit ends." He mumbled to himself.
And I snorted. "That show is crappy."
He nearly bit off my head for that. "How dare you!? That show is awesome-r than anything on television right now. Who cares about Mad Men or Modern Family, or Breaking Bad or 30 Rock? What does Liz Lemon got that Scott or Allison don't got?"
"An actual personality?" and that was just at the top of my head.
"Why are dissing the leads, yo?" he asked, defensively so. "They're talented kids." Ethan said as his darkly colored eyes was starting to light up with that all too familiar competitive glow because we were about to debate television shows.
And this time it would be Teen Wolf.
Ethanclimbed up into the bed, intertwining his legs Indian style. "What makes Liz Lemon so much better than Scott McCall? Oh oook at me, I'm a woman with my cramps and such and I'm going to have it all. Boobs, and periods and mood swings and men suck!" He said, ignorantly might I add, in the worst attempt at female body language I had ever seen.
I scoffed and followed suit. "If you don't like them, then don't watch them."
"Are you kidding! I love 30 Rock."
"God," I scoffed, "You are really annoying sometimes."
He got this innocent look in his eyes. "And that's why you love me."
I smiled, because I could have answered that anyway I wanted to. "It is."
And he smiled and I was sure he noticed what I was noticing as well; a sensation of something oddly familiar. "I got you something." He cheered and got off the bed to put on a pair of boxers before jogging over to his closet.
"Something?"
"Somethings!" he yelled back, as if by stepping into a closet not four feet away from me was enough distance to create some sort of hearing barrier. "As in plural...with an 's'." he came back out with a box in hand, wrapped in purple and green paper and his guitar in the other.
He trotted back over, leaving his closet door open and fell onto the bed. He sighed from whatever tiredness he had built up doing that medial task and extended the box to me with a little smile and a knowing look. "I've been holding this one off for a while."
"How long is a while?"
"Since the last day of exams." He replied and bumped the little box against my gut and so I took it and stared at it for a while and tried to guess what on earth was in this box and would it jump out and attack me. "It's nothing lethal." He promised. "and it's not an animal so there aren't any decomposing carcasses in here."
Not knowing if his smile was genuine or not, I took the chance of opening the box, ducking once the lid was off and once nothing exploded or sprayed some kind of poisonous mist at me, I looked inside.
And that was when the confusion started. "What is this? God, please don't tell me you got someone pregnant." I wailed, pulling out a folded piece of paper with a rubber band around it.
"Open it and see." Ethan responded with his his elbows to the bed and his hands lying in his palms.
With a breath to get me ready, I unfolded it and straightened the bent edges and read it. And stared at every page of the document for about three minutes because what I was reading war far more astonishing than pregnancy results.
"This is," a small laugh escape me; one littered with surprise. "This is,"
"A B- on the Bio final." He finished with a huge smug grin. "And teach said that if I really try harder then I'd get to the big boy Bs – though in all honesty she was probably being sarcastic...you'd think I'd know the difference from being around you so much."
I chuckled. "You'd think so."
"But I'm full of surprises, aren't I?" he smugly wiggled his brows but I didn't answer, I turned my attention the wooden guitar that wasn't as glossy and shiny than it currently was for months on months. His gaze went to it as well and after a few seconds passed, I looked back up at him to see him staring at me with his hair toppled over his eyes just enough. "I want you to have this."
"No way."
"Take it."
"No."
"I said," he pushed it into my lap, "take it." He commanded a tone that sat somewhere between softness and assertiveness.
I huffed as my hands curled around the guitar. It felt heavy and really didn't fit me and that's the reason why my own guitar sat in the closet for such a long time back at home.
"It fits perfectly." He smiled and patted me roughly on the head.
Now I believe in what you say, is the undisputed truth
But I have to have things my own way, to keep me in my youth
"I have one more." He noted, through the silence of him pulling on clothes and me trying (and failing) to play a song – any song really – on the guitar.
"Oh?" I mumbled, looking up from the shiny strings and placing the pick somewhere to the right of me.
"Yup." He sang and jumped back onto the bed and pulling out his cellphone before resting it in between the little space and time on the bed that separated his knee caps from mine. But then he would just stare at it, swallow a lump in his throat, go to pick it up and smack his own hand from doing it and mumbled 'you can do this Ethan- you're a man, be a manly man' to himself.
"We don't have all day, E." I barked. "And that's not even a figure of speech at the moment."
"Fiine." He whined and then he huffed. And then he sighed. And then he exhaled. And then, nothing because I smacked him in the chest to tell him to get himself together! "Okay-okay-okay." He winced, rubbing away the pain in his chest. "You know how you forgave your parents the other day?" I nodded. "And then you forgave Piper and then forgave and sort of swift kicked Mathew in the shin?" I nodded slower this time, narrowing my eyes. "I think it's time I pull my big boy pants up as well." He said and pushed a button and then another.
And suddenly the ringing tone could be heard through speaker of the phone and not long after, someone answered. "Ethan?" Austin said, his voice groggy and perplexed. Or maybe that was just me.
"Hey, Aussie." Ethan answered with a little smile. "Is this a bad time?"
"No, no, no. I'm just a little tired is all; late night."
"Cool, cool. Um, I wanted to sort of tell you something and it's important and stuff."
There was a pause. "Go for it."
Ethan sucked in a huge breath and banged on his chest as a way to psyche himself up. "At Prom when I said that I loved you...I wasn't lying."
"...Oh."
"Apart of me still did and a part of me still does and a part of me always will. But-uh-b-but-God, this is really hard." He chuckled. There was no response from the other. "But I should have added an 'ed' to the end of it because," his eyes flashed in my direction and immediately back down, "I found something new and refreshing and easy but not too easy and I shouldn't have said that."
"...I'm sorry."
"No, damn it." Ethan abruptly mumbled, frustrated. "Don't apologize. You've done that shit enough. This is just me saying that I forgive you for everything you've done and to thank you for all the things you did because if you didn't where would I be right now? I'm finally ready to move on and I've had some time to think it over and I would still like to be friends with you...and Piper...and Grace, if-if that's okay you of course...and her."
"Of course." Austin replied and sounded a bit stunned and taken by surprise. "Of course."
"Good." Ethan exhaled, smiling away the tension and uncertainty out of his face. "And this isn't going to make sense...to you or...to anyone else for that matter...maybe not even to me but, I love you then and I loved you now."
"...Me too."
"Alright." Ethan laughed and it sounded genuine...so did Austin's that followed, though just a tad bit of strain could be heard.
"Goodbye E, I've got to go...tell Spencer I'm sorry for everything...and tell him that Piper really would like to be friends with him."
"Got it." Ethan answered. "I've got to go. Today's... a big day."
"To say the least." Austin added and both of them chuckled. "Goodbye."
"Good luck." E responded and then the phone went silent and Ethan changed 'Aussie' to 'Austin' in his contacts. He heaved a sour sigh and finally reconnected our eyes. "That's was..." he exhaled shakily, "that was easier than I thought it was going to be."
I smiled a sincere smile and massaged his kneecap. "That was very grown-up of you." I ruffled his hair. "You've made me proud."
Ethan's POV
Like a ship without an anchor, like a slave without a chain
Just the thought of those sweet ladies, sends a shiver through my veins
And I will go on shining, shining like brand new
I'll never look behind me, my troubles will be few
"You look rather dashing." Spencer chuckled and I looked myself over for the final time in the mirror. I sighed looking at my bowtie. It was imperfect but that was expected since I was Ethan and everything I usually did had some level of imperfection, but this tie was starting to get on the last nerve I had and I seriously contemplated strangling myself with it for a moment or nine.
"Thanks." I growled, but immediately looked at him with apologetic eyes since the anger wasn't aimed at him. "Sorry, it's just that this stupid thing is really getting to me now." I said, tugging on the bowtie.
Spencer rolled his eyes and came closer, dressed in his own black and white suit with the perfectly tied bowtie because he's Spencer and everything he does is perfection maximized. He spun me around to face him and pulled at the bowtie until it came loose and started to retie it.
Every now and then he would lose focus and glance up at me, even if it was just slightly because he was just about an inch – maybe two shorter than I was. And I welcomed it since in all honesty it would be one of the last times I would ever see those eye staring back at me. "You look handsome as well." I said after a while and after he was done with my tie and tapped me lightly on the shoulder.
"I try." He winked and chuckled and a savored that little moment; recorded it somewhere in my brain so I could replay the sound of him giggling later.
Spencer held out his right hand, the one adorned with a silver watch and I stared at that watch intently because I totally didn't recodnize this before. "You're a leftie?" I asked, sort of incredulously because I have never seen Spencer ever write with his left hand before.
His eyes narrowed. "You're really stupid." He swore. "How many times have I worn a watch on my right hand?"
I blinked. "I don't really pay attention to that sort of detail."
He frowned. "You should." His smile was back. "Now, let's go have some fun and eat tons of food until we're man-pregnant."
I shook my head of the watch and snickered, reaching for his extended hand and clamping it with mine, pressing down tight, holding it hard and sealing it with invisible crazy glue.
The walk to the dining room was a quiet one until we got to the stairs and started to descend. Spencer – who was to my left, had his eyes one some of the pictures that decorated the white wall and stopped when his eyes caught one in particular.
"Do you remember this?" he asked, pointing at the one in between my eighth grade graduation picture and mom and dad's wedding photo.
"Of course." I answered, touching the frame. It was of spencer and I (who else?) when our school had that one paintball game that got way out of hand; so much so that local authorities had to be called and several people lost limbs...or at least that's what I was told. I was too busy taking pictures with a red, blue and yellow Spencer who was covered in paintballs and sweat and laughter. "I was bruised so much that mom thought I got mugged."
"Mine too." He chuckled, "I can't believe she hung it up." He said, more so to himself as he rested a hand on top of mine. "It's my favorite picture of us."
"Mine too."
"You guys." Karla called and our attentions snapped to her at the bottom the carpeted staircase. "We're waiting on you." She said with a slight annoyance but also with a little smile in her black cocktail dress and perfectly styled hair. Spencer sighed and grabbed my hand again as we walked down the stairs and half way to the door leading to the dining room.
But I was stopped by Josh, who was sweating profusely in his tuxedo. "Ethan-can-I-uh-talk-to-you-for-just-a-quick second." He said all in one go and so fast that I barley caught any of it. I looked over to find Spencer's eyes for permission and he nodded and allowed his hand to slip from mine.
Once he had entered the room to a multitude of cat calls and laughter, my attention turned to Josh, who was growing paler by the second. "What's wrong, dude? You look like Casper The Ghost."
"I'm going to propose to Shannon."
"What!?" I shrieked and he immediately shushed me and threw his hands over my mouth, shoving me to the wall with one hand still clamped over my entire mouth and the other pointed intimidatingly a few inches from in between my eyes.
"Nobody knows you gigantic moron so can you shut the fuck up, please?" he growled and I squeaked as I nodded my head in excitement that I was going to (finally!) have a sister that I could annoy, embarrass and fart on. "Are you going to scream?" he asked with his menacing tone of voice and finger point of doom. I shook my head, though the way I was bouncing should've been a clear indicator that I was! I was! I was! I waaas going to scream!
He didn't take the risk. He kept his hands over my mouth. "We've been together for years now and I'm going to college next week so I want to give her a ring to tell her that I'm not forgetting her, you know. I'm not going to marry her right now, but it's something."
"She's gonna love it! What kind of ring is it! Are you getting on one knee! Should I sing a song!"
Josh blinked. "Dude, I couldn't understand I word you just s-ew!" he boomed, tearing his palm away and wiping it on his pants with a scowl. "Dude you seriously lick my hand?" he sounded disgusted and more horrified than he should've have been, because where has he been for the past seventeen years? "What are you, six?!"
I snickered. "So where's the ring?"
He patted his left side. "Pocket." He exhaled a little shakily. "I'm freaking out, man. Like, what if she says no?" What blood was in his face was gone by now and he was as white as the color itself. "What if she dumps me instead and leaves me for her Latin lover or something? And why do I feel like his name is Pedro?"
I shrugged. "It can be worse."
"Yeah," he questioned with an arched eyebrow, "how so?"
"She could say yes."
He groaned and I laughed, throwing a lazy arm around his shoulder and started walking towards the dining room. "She'll love it. And guy, any girl would be lucky to have someone as caring and loving as you." I smiled, tiptoeing to ruffle his sandy blonde hair, "and I'm so going to cry and I call dibs on Best Man."
"Sorry, that position has already been filled by Kai but you can be Best Brother."
"Which one of us is the gay one again?" I snorted and he flicked my forehead as I pushed the door open and was greeted by the entire lot.
Everyone was dressed in nice clothing and all smelled rather good with their perfumes and colognes mixing together to create something friendly and warm...and just a bit nauseating. I took a seat with Spencer on my left and Jake on my right and Russo in front of me...only to find another new girl – Asian – sitting next to him. "Hey there." I welcomed, waving a bit at her and she shyly waved back. "Are you Russo's cousin or something from China?"
She blinked and sat quiet for a moment. "I'm K-korean." She said something to Russo and he waved it off with an eye roll. She looked back at me. "I'm his girlfriend."
There was an awkward silence – from me. "No, but seriously." I laughed and the dark haired girl with nice pale skin and big brown eyes didn't even snicker a little. "Oh my God." I whispered and blinked between the both of them excitedly. "Russo's got a girlfriend. Russo's got a girlfriend. Russo's"
"Ethan." Karla warned. "We're going to pray so stop it."
"Sorry!" I squeaked, placing a hand over my mouth. Because this was too much. My brother was going to propose and my bestie finally got a girlfriend. I had decided that today was a good day.
But that swiftly changed around 6:30 in the evening. The snow was letting up and only a bit was still falling from the sky when everyone got into their cars to head to the train station. Mr. Haynes and Mrs. Haynes rode with mom and dad, and Spencer rode with me while the others got into Jake's mom's van. Apparently, The Haynes' cars were already being shipped to NYC.
The car ride was filled with laughter and the talk of memories and the scent of Spencer's shampoo and the food he was eating earlier and his laugh and his sigh and his silent tears and my visible tears and they mixed bitterly perfectly together to create a moment that the both of us didn't want to come, but saw no way that it wouldn't.
And in that mixed bottle of emotions in a car that was growing more tiny and stuffy by the passing mile, that feeling was more overwhelming than anything. And then it struck me for the first time:
This was it. Actually it. Not a dream or a nightmare, not a prediction of how it would be or a scene I could play out in my head as I didn't do my homework or pay attention in class. This was real and tangible and actually it.
I have to say that one more time – slower; more detailed pronunciation.
This
Was
It
And it didn't feel as damning as I thought it would be. There were tears as I drove, but they didn't hurt my gut like I dreamt they would, and my body didn't shake like a thought it would and no lumps were stuck in my throat like I read it would. There was just a feeling of something bubbling in my stomach and in my chest that didn't hurt and didn't exactly feel good, but wasn't one that I had the overbearing feeling to get rid of. It would've been futile, either way.
Spencer leaned over and kissed a tear away from cheek before smiling his way back to his side of the car and uttered something so romantic and filled with love that it made my heart do a summersault:
"Tears taste gross, Oh My God." He dry heaved, and got a big laugh out of me. "They make it look so cute in the movies."
I stayed silent after that, with just a smile on my lips and that feeling in my stomach.
Now some they do and some they don't, and some you just can't tell
And some they will and some they won't, with some it's just as well
You can laugh at my behaviour, that'll never bother me
Say the devil is my saviour, but I don't pay no heed
The train station wasn't as full as I thought it would have been. I guess the snow stopped a few people from going where they wanted to go. About twenty were here, some with families, some with friends, some with pets and others with backpacks and earphones to keep them company.
I took a seat on one of the benches near the front of the tracks as Spencer went to get something edible to eat here and the others went in their separate directions. Jake and Karla, Russo, Amy and Suzy were all running around in the open field of snowy grass right next to the station. Spencer's parents were sitting down some few benches from us and I couldn't help but smile when they placed a towel on it before sitting...and removed it a few minutes later.
And I watched as Mr. Haynes placed an arm around his wife and she leaned against him and they shared inaudible words with one another, I couldn't help but think how they got together. How did they find one another, how did they make it last so long? What was there secret and why didn't they tell me about it earlier?
But it was what it was. Besides, Spencer and I's relationship was good as it was. So flawed that it was perfect. It was such a mixture of things and emotions and feelings that I can't really define it. There isn't one word to directly define what we had; nothing fit into place there. But one word was pretty damn close:
"Cheesy." I looked up at Spencer and eyed him with a little confusion. He huffed and pointed to the sandwich wrapped in saran in his hands. "It's really cheesy." I took it and he sat down. "I hope you don't mind."
"I like cheesy." Came my answer with a little snort. "More than anything." Spencer eyed me but waved it off.
As we sat there with those sandwiches in one of our hands and the others intertwined, it had struck me that this – right here and now – was our final date. And it was cheesy in a totally different way.
I ended up eating both our sandwiches because Spencer didn't trust train station food (understandably) and we just sat there quietly waiting for the train. That was until I needed to just talk; about anything really. I just couldn't stay so silent for so long.
"You know, you've never made a The Office reference." I noted.
Spencer turned his head to face me. "Really? I love that show."
I smiled. "I know, I'm surprised. I thought you could at least fit one in, maybe two if you really tried."
"That's what she said." He blurted, almost unconsciously and then immediately smacked me at that back of my head. "That was such a horrible set up!" he yelled through laughter. "And I can't believe I fell for it!"
Before I could laugh and tease him, Jake's loud voice rang through my ears. "Spencer! Ethan!" he yelled and captured the attention of most of the people in the station including the twos he was after. "Dudes, the fireworks are going happen!"
Me and Spence shared a look before we got up and trotted over onto the field where the others were. Spencer looked over the hill and squinted his eyes on the lake not too far out town at the men in the water on boats with the machines for the fireworks. That lake wasn't that far out of town and could be seen from here near town limits. It's where it happened every year, but the snow had prevented it. Or so we thought. "It's the third of January, why are they doing New Year's fireworks now?"
"Who cares?" Karla mumbled, coming over to stand next to Spence. "At least they're doing it."
"Agreed." Russo said, pulling Amy closer to him and heading closer to the rails in front of the grass for a better view. Jake took Suzy's hand and they giggled and ran over next to the other two.
Spencer frowned and looked towards Karla, who sighed softly. "You okay?" he asked, resting a little hand on her shoulder. I moved myself to the front of her to hear a bit better.
"I'm fine, really. I had my chance to tell Jake that I liked him and I missed it." She spoke with a soft tone, one that I wasn't used to hearing from her and it sounded weird, but not at all unpleasant – just the opposite, in fact.
"You still have a chance, you know." I muttered and both she and Spencer threw me disapproving looks for – I would guess – two different reasons.
The brunette shook her head as she looked in Jake and Suzy's direction and saw them whispering into one another's ears and laughing with themselves. But instead of frowning, she bit her lip and smiled – sniggering even. "We – happiness isn't guaranteed. Finding someone isn't something we're – as regular human beings are promised. It's unfortunate that none of us made a move...and I'm glad he's realized that mistake and moved on. Because – 'cause everyone deserves that happy ending with the fireworks, but we rarely get that." She sighed. "He's one of the lucky ones. Why ruin it for him?"
"There it goes!" Jake yelled excitedly. And as if on some sort of cue, a loud, high pitched whistling ran through the air and a shining blue ball flew into the sky with a smoky tail streaking right behind it. And it exploded. And exploded into a million and ten different sparks and flickers and fiery lights. And it was a beautiful combination of blues and reds and greens and yellows.
And so was the next one. And the next and the one after. But after about 4 of them, it stopped and left us wondering if that was actually it and me wanting my money back and Spencer reminding me that it was free.
It wasn't until Russo had caught glimpse of one of the boats catching fire that I realized why. Luckily, the men escaped any harm; and just in time because that little fire burning on the boat set in motion an eruption so loud, I wouldn't be surprised if it opened a hole and the lake drained out. Fireworks were free-flying everywhere.
And they created lights that could illuminate villages. And though not all of them were seen from where we were, I noticed something from the set that did. "Seven."
"What?" Spencer mumbled from the side of me, too captivated too even look at me like I was at him. "Seven fireworks went off just now. We've known each other for seven years."
Spencer took a side glance. "What're you saying?"
I shrugged. "Nothing. I just found it...cool." Or maybe amazing. Or astounding. Or fate. So before he had the chance to completely look away, I grabbed his shoulder and spun him to me to place a small kiss on his lips and though he was startled at first, he soon settled in and returned it.
And for a split moment with his lips against mine and our hands wrapped around one another, I could have sworn I heard another firework.
And I will go on shining, shining like brand new
I'll never look behind me, my troubles will be few
After the short fun was over, we had all taken seats in the quaint station at the request of the Haynes' who were starting to get embarrassed when people were asking if that was their children?? with their snobby voices. I wasn't angry though, I already had rolled around with Spencer so much that that we both smelled of snow mixed with grass. However that smelled.
So I sat on one of Spencer's thighs with my head resting on the top of his, just gently breathing in his scent and his body and his hair and just him.
And I did so even harder when the sound of a train rushing down tracks in the not so far distance was heard and passengers started to hug one another. "I guess that's my cue." I muttered, so half-heartedly that Spencer gripped me around the waist and held me tightly. It hurt; his hands were clutching my stomach too tightly. But it wasn't as painful as hearing that train coming to take away something that I had loved for so long. Cared for so much. Touched so roughly. Kissed so gently. Doused with soft kisses and drenched with love. And this – this – felt more real now than ever.
But when I got up and I saw that smile on his face – aching but, brave – I made the decision to be as well. Not for my sake, but for his. He was leaving everything he knew and that was bad enough, he didn't need me holding him down and making him even more upset than he already must've been.
He stepped in front of me and looked me over. "Now," he began with a lump sounding lodged in his throat, "what did I teach you?" he questioned, dusting whatever little specks of dirt was on my jacket.
"Toothbrushes need toothpaste to work, bleach isn't for drinking and washing detergent is for washing not for other lewd activities. And for God's sake, don't mix patterns."
"Good." He chuckled and looked up with a look of something I hadn't seen before. His eyes were a lighter brown than usual. "And most importantly?" he asked while fixing my hair...or at least attempting to. It was a lost cause.
I bit my lip. "I love you."
"Goo-" he paused, biting his lip now, "Good." He placed a kiss on my nose. "Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good."
The train had arrived and both of us looked towards it. It was a silver color and smelled of smoke and death (to my nose at least). He turned back around and huffed. "Well, that's me." He smiled and all the others came up and hugged him goodbye – even Amy, who apologized for not getting to know him better. The last look of adoration and sadness was meant for me.
Spencer waited behind when his parents got onto the train and took their seats, just so he could hold my hand a while longer and I wasn't about to complain. "You're going to be good, right?" he asked and I cocked my head at the question. "Focus on school, E." he reminded, a bit sharply. "be the best you and go for what you want. Be a football star, love your friends and family and I'll be seeing you around."
"......Okay..." I dumbly murmured because what else could I have said after that?
He nodded and we stood there trying to penetrate each other with our stares and we wanted to speak but words weren't enough anymore: physical contact was needed. So when he moved forward, I didn't hesitate to either and I could feel the electricity when our lips were just centimeters apart...but I stopped before connecting them.
Instead, I grabbed him softly by the chin and turned his head to the side and rested a soft, quiet and loving kiss on his cheek for the final time. And when his eyes turned back to meet mine and I could see the confusion in them, I smiled a small smile.
And he got it.
Then he got what he brought and got into that train on top of this hill in this town and I got to thinking about the past and the future and what all of it meant and how it would be like now without Spencer in it with me. The past was already written and forged into unbreakable stone. But maybe the future would be better and brighter because I had learned so much and I had been changed soo very much from sharing little moments with Spencer.
Not the big stuff. Him leaving didn't change me. It was sitting down and discussing movies, compromising. It wasn't the sex. It was the loooove making. And learning somebody's body in ways I didn't know before and ways I couldn't possibly know because I've had sex with a number of people but I've only made love to one.
And those would be remembered as the good ol days and if I'm allowed for a second to quote Spencer quoting someone 'I wish there was a way to know you were in the good ol days before you left them. Because I would've held him a bit tighter, kept my lips connected to the crook of his neck a second longer, stared at him for an eternity and whatever time was left after eternity had elapsed.
Goodbye Stranger it's been nice, hope you find your paradise
i wanted to cry.
The train sounded and a certain spark of fire lit somewhere in my chest. It was hot and feverish and I wanted to cry but cry because the boy who I met so long ago - that depressed and walled off little hellfire named Spencer was but an old high school photo that you discard after you take a much better one, one that you're proud of.
He was still cynical and still sarcastic, but his smiles weren't fake, they were realer than any emotion. His eyes watered from laughing too hard instead of crying often, he took others feelings into consideration and he learned to forgive and so did I.
I wanted to cry.
His eyes as he stood near the train's clear window, with his palm pressed on the glass and the quaint smile at his lips were magnetic and glowing brighter than the sun somewhere in Asia. It was stunningly breath taking and his lips quivered as he bit them to control whatever sound wanted to flow out.
Tried to see your point of view, hope your dreams will all come true
I Wanted To Cry.
Because that boy, that charming little amazing piece of honey hair and chocolate eyes wrapped up in cinnamon cologne and blue jeans was off to start something. And he'd be great. I just knew it.
I wanted to cry.
And as that train started moving, and jogging, and sprinting and then blasting down the tracks and Spencer's smile became a distorted blur, I could feel a piece of my heart snap off and chase behind the it because my feet weren't fast enough to. I could only hope it ended up in between two barely clasped palms, because that's where it belonged.
Goodbye Mary, goodbye Jane, will we ever meet again
I WANTED TO CRY.
As the people started leaving the station and Jake placed a hand on my shoulder. As the lights under the concrete waiting area flickered between life and death and revival, as the smell of liquor and reality drifted in with the harsh breaths of cold wind, icy snow and unknown futures.
Spencer was gone and so was half of my heart, my chest, my brain, my matter, my soul, my being, my reason for being, my life.
But I was okay. I would be okay. Because he left half of his own here for me.
Feel no sorrow, feel no shame, come tomorrow, feel no pain
As I got into the car and stared out the window and up at the stars, I thought about future events. And tried to predict the unpredictable. There wasn't any way to tell if I would see Spencer's face in person again, there just isn't anything to predict the future or if I would be his - zanily his and what puzzle pieces needed to be in the puzzle box for that pretty picture to come alive. Things could go wrong and we'd forget one another's names and faces or we could meet at a supermarket and kiss and or maybe at one another's wedding. Anything was possible. Anything could happen and none of it was for sure because life's funny that way.
And as I watched the night sky and the stars and the constellation of stars I had made up my mind that if those pieces weren't in the box, I'd make my own picture with the both of us in it...and I'd do my best to make it come alive. This wasn't the end of anything. Just a chapter closed. A Season ended. A sitcom's finale. And what is a finale without a reunion special?
Goodbye Mary, goodbye Jane, will we ever meet again?
I wanted to cry.
And so I smiled.
It was an early morning yesterday, I was up before the dawn
And I really have enjoyed my stay, but I must be moving on
Like a king without a castle, like a queen without a throne
I'm an early morning lover, and I must be moving on
It was snowing.
Which was weird, because the weatherman swore up and down the night before that it would have let up by now. He even stuck smiley sun faces on his little display board to illustrate his point. He was probably chased out of time a la Fairly Odd Parents by now.
If this was any other time of the year, I would've been included in the mob. Hell, I'd buy the pitch forks and print out the get out of town signs, as well as bring the matches for the torches, but the unpredictability of nature was something that I actually welcomed today. And for someone who loathed changed (more now than ever), it was sort of strange; even for me.
It was because everything seemed to be chugging forward like clockwork; on time and not a second later. My bags were packed and things were shipped four days ago as they were supposed to, our things landed in NYC not a minute after they were supposed to, our plain tickets were booked, our home in NYC was nice and ready for someone to inhabit it. Everything ran smoothly; right down to the grandfather clock being placed in the new dining room.
I was leaving and there wasn't a single doubt anymore.
So, the smell of rain and snow mixing with the scent of the coffee sitting on the dresser was something I liked because they mixed so well together in the strangest of ways. The snow smelt of rain and unexpectedness, and the coffee drenched the room with thespellbinding scent of hot coffee beans, natural honey, sweetened sugar and bitter finality. It's hard to think about what that combination would taste like or if I would like it at all but, at least something changed; at least something wasn't going according to plan today.
Unfortunately, the snow falling outside wasn't stopping any shows. After all, it wasn't storming and even then I doubted that anything would have been halted. I had hoped it so; I hoped that the little bits of frozen water falling from the sky would turn into boulders from mountains and rain down in a cinematic kind of fashion on our town if it would have just allowed me to stay just one more night; even without power. But that was just selfish wishful thinking. And that was three days ago when the snow started. By now, I was fully prepared to go.
My fingers traced the glass of the window as bits of the snow hit the window and turned into water. It had been a very cold night and in more ways than one. Luckily, Ethan's room had always been the warmest of the house... in more ways than one.
Speaking of the younger, he had been the bathroom for a good forty minutes now; and even though he tried to preempt my worrying by explaining that he was going to take a long bath today, to you know, smell nice for my departure, I knew that he went in there to sulk under some hot water. I would've thought that he would've grown enough for him to know that he could express all his emotions in front of me. We've been doing it for the past few weeks, but I guess being today made things a lot different. A Game Changer.
"Spencer."
I turned around to face Abby, apron on and smiling; though it didn't touch her eyes. "You want a cupcake or something?" she asked and never mind that it was 10 in the morning because it only occurred to me just then that I had never tried anything Abby has ever cooked. I mean, Karla used to talk about how well she could bake, fry and stir for years now. She even called her an even gayer Rachel Ray.
But I wasn't in the mood for sprinkles and sweets at the moment. "I think I'll stick with my coffee." I replied, smiling, but the worried look on her face told me that it too didn't quite reach my pupils.
"You know what I realized last night?" she questioned and I waited for a brief moment to see if she would continue...but she didn't.
"What?" I swallowed.
"That, Karla left and now you are." She inhaled. "It's sort of, I don't know, sad I guess. I'm not going to be graduating with my two best friends and it's just weird. I've never made you anything to eat, we've never discussed... " Her eyes were glassy. "I guess...what I'm trying to say is should I make you something for the road?" she smiled. "I heard train rides are a bitch this time of year."
"No." I chuckled. "I'll be okay."
It goes without saying that Pleasant Acres wasn't the biggest of towns. Certainly not in Idaho and definitely not in America. With a population of a little over 14,000, it wasn't really necessary that we had some of the things that bigger towns had – most notably on this winter morning, an airport. If you wanted to get to one, you'd have to drive to one: The Train was the best transport, really, but it was often stuffy, but it was efficient and so they said yes to going on it.
Abby's eyes were shining – with what I couldn't tell and she wore a little smile with a blend of sadness and sympathy that was both beautiful to see and painful to look at. "I'm still going to make you a cupcake or two...just in case."
A little smile went to my lips. "Thank you, Abbs." I paused. "For you know, everything."
There was an extended second of just the sound of rushing snow and slow paced heartbeats. "Anytime."
Before I could tell her what flavor of cupcake I preferred, her eyes shot left and dimmed, although the smile stayed in place. "Ethan, morning sleepy head." She giggled as Ethan came into sight with a towel wrapped lazily around his waist and water still dripping from his hair and streaking down his chest like the snow falling outside. "Hey Abby," Ethan smiled and went to hug her but caught himself when he noticed that he was naked; he opted for a kiss on the forehead instead, but caught her blonde hair seeing as she was so tiny in comparison, "What're you doing here so early?"
"Helping your mom in the kitchen for Josh's farewell dinner. Karla and Suzy are already down there helping her out."
"Oh." E mumbled, glancing into his room for a quick second at me for a shorter time span before refocusing on the little blonde girl leaning against the frame of his darkened bedroom door. "I'll be down to help her in a bit."
Abby shook her head. "No, no. Let the ladies handle this today." She chuckled. "It's a great way for us to bond," she through my a fleeting gaze, "plus, you have ...other things to attend to."
There was a pause. "Right." He said, quick and sharp and soaked with sadness. "Thanks." He mumbled, patting her on the head before coming into the room. Abby gave me just one more look for she excused herself, closing the door as she left.
Then Ethan huffed and finally looked at me. "Today's the day, huh?"
I took a moment. "It is."
He nodded and stumbled to the bed where he took a seat in his wet towel and patted the pace next to him. "You're messing up the spread." I chided, but he ignored and smacked the spot next to him a bit more roughly this time and so I huffed and walked over and took the seat.
"It'll dry." He finally said before another lengthy silence came in between us. "So, what's your favorite sitcom finale?"
"Tha's random and I don't know, really." I answered. "Friends, maybe." I thought about it. "Friends, definitely."
"Mm." he mumbled. "I liked the The Mary Tyler Moore one."
I raised a brow. "I've never seen you watch that show."
"I've only seen the finale."
"Did you cry?"
"Nope."
"Not even a little.?"
"Nuh-uh"."
"Really?"
"NO."
"Really, really, really?"
"Okay," he boomed, "A little bit!" he said, flailing his arms in the air and I couldn't help but snort out a big laugh. And he reddened like a tomato. "It was just so touching, you know. They made a bad situation into a good thing and it was just so great and sweet and stuff." He said, mumbling the last part and looking into his lap to play with his fingers. "I also liked this one Russian show I watched. I can't remember what it's called but it was of a news anchor team that covered news stories. But, we couldn't see any further than that. It was just news all the time and in Russian with subtitles. I used to watch it online – don't tell the cops – and it was really compelling and it got cancelled."
"Ethan, I think – I think that was actually just a news show you were watching."
He blinked. "Then why was there so much sexual tension?" he questioned. "And why did the anchorwoman say goodbye in the most comically Russian voice, like, ever?"
I rolled my eyes. "How did she say it?"
"This is zGoodbye." He said and I barley caught that. "You know, like The Goodbye...but in Russian or something...like Hitler so the 'the' sounded like a 'z'."
I didn't even bother on correcting him on the German-Russian thing or how incredibly ignorant that was because he was Ethan and he's never going to change. It was just best just to save breaths and to allow him to just be him.
"I wonder what The Teen Wolf finale would be like?" he said again, knocking me out of my thoughts with his goofy smile, "God, I'm going to be a snotty mess when that shit ends." He mumbled to himself.
And I snorted. "That show is crappy."
He nearly bit off my head for that. "How dare you!? That show is awesome-r than anything on television right now. Who cares about Mad Men or Modern Family, or Breaking Bad or 30 Rock? What does Liz Lemon got that Scott or Allison don't got?"
"An actual personality?" and that was just at the top of my head.
"Why are dissing the leads, yo?" he asked, defensively so. "They're talented kids." Ethan said as his darkly colored eyes was starting to light up with that all too familiar competitive glow because we were about to debate television shows.
And this time it would be Teen Wolf.
Ethanclimbed up into the bed, intertwining his legs Indian style. "What makes Liz Lemon so much better than Scott McCall? Oh oook at me, I'm a woman with my cramps and such and I'm going to have it all. Boobs, and periods and mood swings and men suck!" He said, ignorantly might I add, in the worst attempt at female body language I had ever seen.
I scoffed and followed suit. "If you don't like them, then don't watch them."
"Are you kidding! I love 30 Rock."
"God," I scoffed, "You are really annoying sometimes."
He got this innocent look in his eyes. "And that's why you love me."
I smiled, because I could have answered that anyway I wanted to. "It is."
And he smiled and I was sure he noticed what I was noticing as well; a sensation of something oddly familiar. "I got you something." He cheered and got off the bed to put on a pair of boxers before jogging over to his closet.
"Something?"
"Somethings!" he yelled back, as if by stepping into a closet not four feet away from me was enough distance to create some sort of hearing barrier. "As in plural...with an 's'." he came back out with a box in hand, wrapped in purple and green paper and his guitar in the other.
He trotted back over, leaving his closet door open and fell onto the bed. He sighed from whatever tiredness he had built up doing that medial task and extended the box to me with a little smile and a knowing look. "I've been holding this one off for a while."
"How long is a while?"
"Since the last day of exams." He replied and bumped the little box against my gut and so I took it and stared at it for a while and tried to guess what on earth was in this box and would it jump out and attack me. "It's nothing lethal." He promised. "and it's not an animal so there aren't any decomposing carcasses in here."
Not knowing if his smile was genuine or not, I took the chance of opening the box, ducking once the lid was off and once nothing exploded or sprayed some kind of poisonous mist at me, I looked inside.
And that was when the confusion started. "What is this? God, please don't tell me you got someone pregnant." I wailed, pulling out a folded piece of paper with a rubber band around it.
"Open it and see." Ethan responded with his his elbows to the bed and his hands lying in his palms.
With a breath to get me ready, I unfolded it and straightened the bent edges and read it. And stared at every page of the document for about three minutes because what I was reading war far more astonishing than pregnancy results.
"This is," a small laugh escape me; one littered with surprise. "This is,"
"A B- on the Bio final." He finished with a huge smug grin. "And teach said that if I really try harder then I'd get to the big boy Bs – though in all honesty she was probably being sarcastic...you'd think I'd know the difference from being around you so much."
I chuckled. "You'd think so."
"But I'm full of surprises, aren't I?" he smugly wiggled his brows but I didn't answer, I turned my attention the wooden guitar that wasn't as glossy and shiny than it currently was for months on months. His gaze went to it as well and after a few seconds passed, I looked back up at him to see him staring at me with his hair toppled over his eyes just enough. "I want you to have this."
"No way."
"Take it."
"No."
"I said," he pushed it into my lap, "take it." He commanded a tone that sat somewhere between softness and assertiveness.
I huffed as my hands curled around the guitar. It felt heavy and really didn't fit me and that's the reason why my own guitar sat in the closet for such a long time back at home.
"It fits perfectly." He smiled and patted me roughly on the head.
Now I believe in what you say, is the undisputed truth
But I have to have things my own way, to keep me in my youth
"I have one more." He noted, through the silence of him pulling on clothes and me trying (and failing) to play a song – any song really – on the guitar.
"Oh?" I mumbled, looking up from the shiny strings and placing the pick somewhere to the right of me.
"Yup." He sang and jumped back onto the bed and pulling out his cellphone before resting it in between the little space and time on the bed that separated his knee caps from mine. But then he would just stare at it, swallow a lump in his throat, go to pick it up and smack his own hand from doing it and mumbled 'you can do this Ethan- you're a man, be a manly man' to himself.
"We don't have all day, E." I barked. "And that's not even a figure of speech at the moment."
"Fiine." He whined and then he huffed. And then he sighed. And then he exhaled. And then, nothing because I smacked him in the chest to tell him to get himself together! "Okay-okay-okay." He winced, rubbing away the pain in his chest. "You know how you forgave your parents the other day?" I nodded. "And then you forgave Piper and then forgave and sort of swift kicked Mathew in the shin?" I nodded slower this time, narrowing my eyes. "I think it's time I pull my big boy pants up as well." He said and pushed a button and then another.
And suddenly the ringing tone could be heard through speaker of the phone and not long after, someone answered. "Ethan?" Austin said, his voice groggy and perplexed. Or maybe that was just me.
"Hey, Aussie." Ethan answered with a little smile. "Is this a bad time?"
"No, no, no. I'm just a little tired is all; late night."
"Cool, cool. Um, I wanted to sort of tell you something and it's important and stuff."
There was a pause. "Go for it."
Ethan sucked in a huge breath and banged on his chest as a way to psyche himself up. "At Prom when I said that I loved you...I wasn't lying."
"...Oh."
"Apart of me still did and a part of me still does and a part of me always will. But-uh-b-but-God, this is really hard." He chuckled. There was no response from the other. "But I should have added an 'ed' to the end of it because," his eyes flashed in my direction and immediately back down, "I found something new and refreshing and easy but not too easy and I shouldn't have said that."
"...I'm sorry."
"No, damn it." Ethan abruptly mumbled, frustrated. "Don't apologize. You've done that shit enough. This is just me saying that I forgive you for everything you've done and to thank you for all the things you did because if you didn't where would I be right now? I'm finally ready to move on and I've had some time to think it over and I would still like to be friends with you...and Piper...and Grace, if-if that's okay you of course...and her."
"Of course." Austin replied and sounded a bit stunned and taken by surprise. "Of course."
"Good." Ethan exhaled, smiling away the tension and uncertainty out of his face. "And this isn't going to make sense...to you or...to anyone else for that matter...maybe not even to me but, I love you then and I loved you now."
"...Me too."
"Alright." Ethan laughed and it sounded genuine...so did Austin's that followed, though just a tad bit of strain could be heard.
"Goodbye E, I've got to go...tell Spencer I'm sorry for everything...and tell him that Piper really would like to be friends with him."
"Got it." Ethan answered. "I've got to go. Today's... a big day."
"To say the least." Austin added and both of them chuckled. "Goodbye."
"Good luck." E responded and then the phone went silent and Ethan changed 'Aussie' to 'Austin' in his contacts. He heaved a sour sigh and finally reconnected our eyes. "That's was..." he exhaled shakily, "that was easier than I thought it was going to be."
I smiled a sincere smile and massaged his kneecap. "That was very grown-up of you." I ruffled his hair. "You've made me proud."
Ethan's POV
Like a ship without an anchor, like a slave without a chain
Just the thought of those sweet ladies, sends a shiver through my veins
And I will go on shining, shining like brand new
I'll never look behind me, my troubles will be few
"You look rather dashing." Spencer chuckled and I looked myself over for the final time in the mirror. I sighed looking at my bowtie. It was imperfect but that was expected since I was Ethan and everything I usually did had some level of imperfection, but this tie was starting to get on the last nerve I had and I seriously contemplated strangling myself with it for a moment or nine.
"Thanks." I growled, but immediately looked at him with apologetic eyes since the anger wasn't aimed at him. "Sorry, it's just that this stupid thing is really getting to me now." I said, tugging on the bowtie.
Spencer rolled his eyes and came closer, dressed in his own black and white suit with the perfectly tied bowtie because he's Spencer and everything he does is perfection maximized. He spun me around to face him and pulled at the bowtie until it came loose and started to retie it.
Every now and then he would lose focus and glance up at me, even if it was just slightly because he was just about an inch – maybe two shorter than I was. And I welcomed it since in all honesty it would be one of the last times I would ever see those eye staring back at me. "You look handsome as well." I said after a while and after he was done with my tie and tapped me lightly on the shoulder.
"I try." He winked and chuckled and a savored that little moment; recorded it somewhere in my brain so I could replay the sound of him giggling later.
Spencer held out his right hand, the one adorned with a silver watch and I stared at that watch intently because I totally didn't recodnize this before. "You're a leftie?" I asked, sort of incredulously because I have never seen Spencer ever write with his left hand before.
His eyes narrowed. "You're really stupid." He swore. "How many times have I worn a watch on my right hand?"
I blinked. "I don't really pay attention to that sort of detail."
He frowned. "You should." His smile was back. "Now, let's go have some fun and eat tons of food until we're man-pregnant."
I shook my head of the watch and snickered, reaching for his extended hand and clamping it with mine, pressing down tight, holding it hard and sealing it with invisible crazy glue.
The walk to the dining room was a quiet one until we got to the stairs and started to descend. Spencer – who was to my left, had his eyes one some of the pictures that decorated the white wall and stopped when his eyes caught one in particular.
"Do you remember this?" he asked, pointing at the one in between my eighth grade graduation picture and mom and dad's wedding photo.
"Of course." I answered, touching the frame. It was of spencer and I (who else?) when our school had that one paintball game that got way out of hand; so much so that local authorities had to be called and several people lost limbs...or at least that's what I was told. I was too busy taking pictures with a red, blue and yellow Spencer who was covered in paintballs and sweat and laughter. "I was bruised so much that mom thought I got mugged."
"Mine too." He chuckled, "I can't believe she hung it up." He said, more so to himself as he rested a hand on top of mine. "It's my favorite picture of us."
"Mine too."
"You guys." Karla called and our attentions snapped to her at the bottom the carpeted staircase. "We're waiting on you." She said with a slight annoyance but also with a little smile in her black cocktail dress and perfectly styled hair. Spencer sighed and grabbed my hand again as we walked down the stairs and half way to the door leading to the dining room.
But I was stopped by Josh, who was sweating profusely in his tuxedo. "Ethan-can-I-uh-talk-to-you-for-just-a-quick second." He said all in one go and so fast that I barley caught any of it. I looked over to find Spencer's eyes for permission and he nodded and allowed his hand to slip from mine.
Once he had entered the room to a multitude of cat calls and laughter, my attention turned to Josh, who was growing paler by the second. "What's wrong, dude? You look like Casper The Ghost."
"I'm going to propose to Shannon."
"What!?" I shrieked and he immediately shushed me and threw his hands over my mouth, shoving me to the wall with one hand still clamped over my entire mouth and the other pointed intimidatingly a few inches from in between my eyes.
"Nobody knows you gigantic moron so can you shut the fuck up, please?" he growled and I squeaked as I nodded my head in excitement that I was going to (finally!) have a sister that I could annoy, embarrass and fart on. "Are you going to scream?" he asked with his menacing tone of voice and finger point of doom. I shook my head, though the way I was bouncing should've been a clear indicator that I was! I was! I was! I waaas going to scream!
He didn't take the risk. He kept his hands over my mouth. "We've been together for years now and I'm going to college next week so I want to give her a ring to tell her that I'm not forgetting her, you know. I'm not going to marry her right now, but it's something."
"She's gonna love it! What kind of ring is it! Are you getting on one knee! Should I sing a song!"
Josh blinked. "Dude, I couldn't understand I word you just s-ew!" he boomed, tearing his palm away and wiping it on his pants with a scowl. "Dude you seriously lick my hand?" he sounded disgusted and more horrified than he should've have been, because where has he been for the past seventeen years? "What are you, six?!"
I snickered. "So where's the ring?"
He patted his left side. "Pocket." He exhaled a little shakily. "I'm freaking out, man. Like, what if she says no?" What blood was in his face was gone by now and he was as white as the color itself. "What if she dumps me instead and leaves me for her Latin lover or something? And why do I feel like his name is Pedro?"
I shrugged. "It can be worse."
"Yeah," he questioned with an arched eyebrow, "how so?"
"She could say yes."
He groaned and I laughed, throwing a lazy arm around his shoulder and started walking towards the dining room. "She'll love it. And guy, any girl would be lucky to have someone as caring and loving as you." I smiled, tiptoeing to ruffle his sandy blonde hair, "and I'm so going to cry and I call dibs on Best Man."
"Sorry, that position has already been filled by Kai but you can be Best Brother."
"Which one of us is the gay one again?" I snorted and he flicked my forehead as I pushed the door open and was greeted by the entire lot.
Everyone was dressed in nice clothing and all smelled rather good with their perfumes and colognes mixing together to create something friendly and warm...and just a bit nauseating. I took a seat with Spencer on my left and Jake on my right and Russo in front of me...only to find another new girl – Asian – sitting next to him. "Hey there." I welcomed, waving a bit at her and she shyly waved back. "Are you Russo's cousin or something from China?"
She blinked and sat quiet for a moment. "I'm K-korean." She said something to Russo and he waved it off with an eye roll. She looked back at me. "I'm his girlfriend."
There was an awkward silence – from me. "No, but seriously." I laughed and the dark haired girl with nice pale skin and big brown eyes didn't even snicker a little. "Oh my God." I whispered and blinked between the both of them excitedly. "Russo's got a girlfriend. Russo's got a girlfriend. Russo's"
"Ethan." Karla warned. "We're going to pray so stop it."
"Sorry!" I squeaked, placing a hand over my mouth. Because this was too much. My brother was going to propose and my bestie finally got a girlfriend. I had decided that today was a good day.
But that swiftly changed around 6:30 in the evening. The snow was letting up and only a bit was still falling from the sky when everyone got into their cars to head to the train station. Mr. Haynes and Mrs. Haynes rode with mom and dad, and Spencer rode with me while the others got into Jake's mom's van. Apparently, The Haynes' cars were already being shipped to NYC.
The car ride was filled with laughter and the talk of memories and the scent of Spencer's shampoo and the food he was eating earlier and his laugh and his sigh and his silent tears and my visible tears and they mixed bitterly perfectly together to create a moment that the both of us didn't want to come, but saw no way that it wouldn't.
And in that mixed bottle of emotions in a car that was growing more tiny and stuffy by the passing mile, that feeling was more overwhelming than anything. And then it struck me for the first time:
This was it. Actually it. Not a dream or a nightmare, not a prediction of how it would be or a scene I could play out in my head as I didn't do my homework or pay attention in class. This was real and tangible and actually it.
I have to say that one more time – slower; more detailed pronunciation.
This
Was
It
And it didn't feel as damning as I thought it would be. There were tears as I drove, but they didn't hurt my gut like I dreamt they would, and my body didn't shake like a thought it would and no lumps were stuck in my throat like I read it would. There was just a feeling of something bubbling in my stomach and in my chest that didn't hurt and didn't exactly feel good, but wasn't one that I had the overbearing feeling to get rid of. It would've been futile, either way.
Spencer leaned over and kissed a tear away from cheek before smiling his way back to his side of the car and uttered something so romantic and filled with love that it made my heart do a summersault:
"Tears taste gross, Oh My God." He dry heaved, and got a big laugh out of me. "They make it look so cute in the movies."
I stayed silent after that, with just a smile on my lips and that feeling in my stomach.
Now some they do and some they don't, and some you just can't tell
And some they will and some they won't, with some it's just as well
You can laugh at my behaviour, that'll never bother me
Say the devil is my saviour, but I don't pay no heed
The train station wasn't as full as I thought it would have been. I guess the snow stopped a few people from going where they wanted to go. About twenty were here, some with families, some with friends, some with pets and others with backpacks and earphones to keep them company.
I took a seat on one of the benches near the front of the tracks as Spencer went to get something edible to eat here and the others went in their separate directions. Jake and Karla, Russo, Amy and Suzy were all running around in the open field of snowy grass right next to the station. Spencer's parents were sitting down some few benches from us and I couldn't help but smile when they placed a towel on it before sitting...and removed it a few minutes later.
And I watched as Mr. Haynes placed an arm around his wife and she leaned against him and they shared inaudible words with one another, I couldn't help but think how they got together. How did they find one another, how did they make it last so long? What was there secret and why didn't they tell me about it earlier?
But it was what it was. Besides, Spencer and I's relationship was good as it was. So flawed that it was perfect. It was such a mixture of things and emotions and feelings that I can't really define it. There isn't one word to directly define what we had; nothing fit into place there. But one word was pretty damn close:
"Cheesy." I looked up at Spencer and eyed him with a little confusion. He huffed and pointed to the sandwich wrapped in saran in his hands. "It's really cheesy." I took it and he sat down. "I hope you don't mind."
"I like cheesy." Came my answer with a little snort. "More than anything." Spencer eyed me but waved it off.
As we sat there with those sandwiches in one of our hands and the others intertwined, it had struck me that this – right here and now – was our final date. And it was cheesy in a totally different way.
I ended up eating both our sandwiches because Spencer didn't trust train station food (understandably) and we just sat there quietly waiting for the train. That was until I needed to just talk; about anything really. I just couldn't stay so silent for so long.
"You know, you've never made a The Office reference." I noted.
Spencer turned his head to face me. "Really? I love that show."
I smiled. "I know, I'm surprised. I thought you could at least fit one in, maybe two if you really tried."
"That's what she said." He blurted, almost unconsciously and then immediately smacked me at that back of my head. "That was such a horrible set up!" he yelled through laughter. "And I can't believe I fell for it!"
Before I could laugh and tease him, Jake's loud voice rang through my ears. "Spencer! Ethan!" he yelled and captured the attention of most of the people in the station including the twos he was after. "Dudes, the fireworks are going happen!"
Me and Spence shared a look before we got up and trotted over onto the field where the others were. Spencer looked over the hill and squinted his eyes on the lake not too far out town at the men in the water on boats with the machines for the fireworks. That lake wasn't that far out of town and could be seen from here near town limits. It's where it happened every year, but the snow had prevented it. Or so we thought. "It's the third of January, why are they doing New Year's fireworks now?"
"Who cares?" Karla mumbled, coming over to stand next to Spence. "At least they're doing it."
"Agreed." Russo said, pulling Amy closer to him and heading closer to the rails in front of the grass for a better view. Jake took Suzy's hand and they giggled and ran over next to the other two.
Spencer frowned and looked towards Karla, who sighed softly. "You okay?" he asked, resting a little hand on her shoulder. I moved myself to the front of her to hear a bit better.
"I'm fine, really. I had my chance to tell Jake that I liked him and I missed it." She spoke with a soft tone, one that I wasn't used to hearing from her and it sounded weird, but not at all unpleasant – just the opposite, in fact.
"You still have a chance, you know." I muttered and both she and Spencer threw me disapproving looks for – I would guess – two different reasons.
The brunette shook her head as she looked in Jake and Suzy's direction and saw them whispering into one another's ears and laughing with themselves. But instead of frowning, she bit her lip and smiled – sniggering even. "We – happiness isn't guaranteed. Finding someone isn't something we're – as regular human beings are promised. It's unfortunate that none of us made a move...and I'm glad he's realized that mistake and moved on. Because – 'cause everyone deserves that happy ending with the fireworks, but we rarely get that." She sighed. "He's one of the lucky ones. Why ruin it for him?"
"There it goes!" Jake yelled excitedly. And as if on some sort of cue, a loud, high pitched whistling ran through the air and a shining blue ball flew into the sky with a smoky tail streaking right behind it. And it exploded. And exploded into a million and ten different sparks and flickers and fiery lights. And it was a beautiful combination of blues and reds and greens and yellows.
And so was the next one. And the next and the one after. But after about 4 of them, it stopped and left us wondering if that was actually it and me wanting my money back and Spencer reminding me that it was free.
It wasn't until Russo had caught glimpse of one of the boats catching fire that I realized why. Luckily, the men escaped any harm; and just in time because that little fire burning on the boat set in motion an eruption so loud, I wouldn't be surprised if it opened a hole and the lake drained out. Fireworks were free-flying everywhere.
And they created lights that could illuminate villages. And though not all of them were seen from where we were, I noticed something from the set that did. "Seven."
"What?" Spencer mumbled from the side of me, too captivated too even look at me like I was at him. "Seven fireworks went off just now. We've known each other for seven years."
Spencer took a side glance. "What're you saying?"
I shrugged. "Nothing. I just found it...cool." Or maybe amazing. Or astounding. Or fate. So before he had the chance to completely look away, I grabbed his shoulder and spun him to me to place a small kiss on his lips and though he was startled at first, he soon settled in and returned it.
And for a split moment with his lips against mine and our hands wrapped around one another, I could have sworn I heard another firework.
And I will go on shining, shining like brand new
I'll never look behind me, my troubles will be few
After the short fun was over, we had all taken seats in the quaint station at the request of the Haynes' who were starting to get embarrassed when people were asking if that was their children?? with their snobby voices. I wasn't angry though, I already had rolled around with Spencer so much that that we both smelled of snow mixed with grass. However that smelled.
So I sat on one of Spencer's thighs with my head resting on the top of his, just gently breathing in his scent and his body and his hair and just him.
And I did so even harder when the sound of a train rushing down tracks in the not so far distance was heard and passengers started to hug one another. "I guess that's my cue." I muttered, so half-heartedly that Spencer gripped me around the waist and held me tightly. It hurt; his hands were clutching my stomach too tightly. But it wasn't as painful as hearing that train coming to take away something that I had loved for so long. Cared for so much. Touched so roughly. Kissed so gently. Doused with soft kisses and drenched with love. And this – this – felt more real now than ever.
But when I got up and I saw that smile on his face – aching but, brave – I made the decision to be as well. Not for my sake, but for his. He was leaving everything he knew and that was bad enough, he didn't need me holding him down and making him even more upset than he already must've been.
He stepped in front of me and looked me over. "Now," he began with a lump sounding lodged in his throat, "what did I teach you?" he questioned, dusting whatever little specks of dirt was on my jacket.
"Toothbrushes need toothpaste to work, bleach isn't for drinking and washing detergent is for washing not for other lewd activities. And for God's sake, don't mix patterns."
"Good." He chuckled and looked up with a look of something I hadn't seen before. His eyes were a lighter brown than usual. "And most importantly?" he asked while fixing my hair...or at least attempting to. It was a lost cause.
I bit my lip. "I love you."
"Goo-" he paused, biting his lip now, "Good." He placed a kiss on my nose. "Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good."
The train had arrived and both of us looked towards it. It was a silver color and smelled of smoke and death (to my nose at least). He turned back around and huffed. "Well, that's me." He smiled and all the others came up and hugged him goodbye – even Amy, who apologized for not getting to know him better. The last look of adoration and sadness was meant for me.
Spencer waited behind when his parents got onto the train and took their seats, just so he could hold my hand a while longer and I wasn't about to complain. "You're going to be good, right?" he asked and I cocked my head at the question. "Focus on school, E." he reminded, a bit sharply. "be the best you and go for what you want. Be a football star, love your friends and family and I'll be seeing you around."
"......Okay..." I dumbly murmured because what else could I have said after that?
He nodded and we stood there trying to penetrate each other with our stares and we wanted to speak but words weren't enough anymore: physical contact was needed. So when he moved forward, I didn't hesitate to either and I could feel the electricity when our lips were just centimeters apart...but I stopped before connecting them.
Instead, I grabbed him softly by the chin and turned his head to the side and rested a soft, quiet and loving kiss on his cheek for the final time. And when his eyes turned back to meet mine and I could see the confusion in them, I smiled a small smile.
And he got it.
Then he got what he brought and got into that train on top of this hill in this town and I got to thinking about the past and the future and what all of it meant and how it would be like now without Spencer in it with me. The past was already written and forged into unbreakable stone. But maybe the future would be better and brighter because I had learned so much and I had been changed soo very much from sharing little moments with Spencer.
Not the big stuff. Him leaving didn't change me. It was sitting down and discussing movies, compromising. It wasn't the sex. It was the loooove making. And learning somebody's body in ways I didn't know before and ways I couldn't possibly know because I've had sex with a number of people but I've only made love to one.
And those would be remembered as the good ol days and if I'm allowed for a second to quote Spencer quoting someone 'I wish there was a way to know you were in the good ol days before you left them. Because I would've held him a bit tighter, kept my lips connected to the crook of his neck a second longer, stared at him for an eternity and whatever time was left after eternity had elapsed.
Goodbye Stranger it's been nice, hope you find your paradise
i wanted to cry.
The train sounded and a certain spark of fire lit somewhere in my chest. It was hot and feverish and I wanted to cry but cry because the boy who I met so long ago - that depressed and walled off little hellfire named Spencer was but an old high school photo that you discard after you take a much better one, one that you're proud of.
He was still cynical and still sarcastic, but his smiles weren't fake, they were realer than any emotion. His eyes watered from laughing too hard instead of crying often, he took others feelings into consideration and he learned to forgive and so did I.
I wanted to cry.
His eyes as he stood near the train's clear window, with his palm pressed on the glass and the quaint smile at his lips were magnetic and glowing brighter than the sun somewhere in Asia. It was stunningly breath taking and his lips quivered as he bit them to control whatever sound wanted to flow out.
Tried to see your point of view, hope your dreams will all come true
I Wanted To Cry.
Because that boy, that charming little amazing piece of honey hair and chocolate eyes wrapped up in cinnamon cologne and blue jeans was off to start something. And he'd be great. I just knew it.
I wanted to cry.
And as that train started moving, and jogging, and sprinting and then blasting down the tracks and Spencer's smile became a distorted blur, I could feel a piece of my heart snap off and chase behind the it because my feet weren't fast enough to. I could only hope it ended up in between two barely clasped palms, because that's where it belonged.
Goodbye Mary, goodbye Jane, will we ever meet again
I WANTED TO CRY.
As the people started leaving the station and Jake placed a hand on my shoulder. As the lights under the concrete waiting area flickered between life and death and revival, as the smell of liquor and reality drifted in with the harsh breaths of cold wind, icy snow and unknown futures.
Spencer was gone and so was half of my heart, my chest, my brain, my matter, my soul, my being, my reason for being, my life.
But I was okay. I would be okay. Because he left half of his own here for me.
Feel no sorrow, feel no shame, come tomorrow, feel no pain
As I got into the car and stared out the window and up at the stars, I thought about future events. And tried to predict the unpredictable. There wasn't any way to tell if I would see Spencer's face in person again, there just isn't anything to predict the future or if I would be his - zanily his and what puzzle pieces needed to be in the puzzle box for that pretty picture to come alive. Things could go wrong and we'd forget one another's names and faces or we could meet at a supermarket and kiss and or maybe at one another's wedding. Anything was possible. Anything could happen and none of it was for sure because life's funny that way.
And as I watched the night sky and the stars and the constellation of stars I had made up my mind that if those pieces weren't in the box, I'd make my own picture with the both of us in it...and I'd do my best to make it come alive. This wasn't the end of anything. Just a chapter closed. A Season ended. A sitcom's finale. And what is a finale without a reunion special?
Goodbye Mary, goodbye Jane, will we ever meet again?
I wanted to cry.
And so I smiled.
End of Just Friends Chapter 27. Continue reading Chapter 28 or return to Just Friends book page.