Kenopsia - Chapter 40: Chapter 40

You know what is haunting in a silent world?
Not the sound of pain.
Not the begging for life.
Not the screaming thoughts.
No, that was a cake walk.
No, what was haunting was when that all stopped.
And silence came back over the world.
One week, one week of suffering is all it took.
I stood on the start of the bridge that had once buried my father, holding the alligator plush in my hands, fingers digging deep into the softness of it.
I wanted to blame the world but I couldn't.... Still not coming to terms with me maybe being the one that caused this.
I looked at the alligator with a sad frown.
"Why?" I breathed out, thinking off all the happiness that would never come.
All my dreams dashed away, my family falling away like flies.
There would not be improvised birthdays, there would not be first steps, there would not be home schooling, there would not be outing to the tall park, there would not be game nights.... There would not be anything.... Since the little hands that would hold this alligator through all those challenges had no more life behind their eyes.
I felt a knee weaken so I leaned against a post on the bridge for support, still looking at the plush and not at the pacing mother with a cold burden in her arms, tears frozen on her face.
It was so silent.... Another one silently gone.... Why can't this fucking world give us the last word for once?
It was gone.... Hope was gone.... The hope for a somewhat normal life and Hope in the form of a very happy baby.... No hope remained, no matter which we spoke about.
I sat down in the snow, hugging the alligator.... Why can't I let it out?
I want to scream and shout, blame the world, cry until my vocal cords tear, cry until my eyes fall out of my head.... But I just couldn't.
No tears, no voice to use.... A cold and stoic idiot next to the mother who could only wail, for hours and hours, until she finally got the strength to do what needed to be done.
I looked at the little cross made out of two school rulers for my father that would soon get a pair we never wished for.
I stared ahead, unable to bring myself to watch in the general direction when Vic finally stood to the railing after marching for two hours.
I just couldn't watch, my throat feeling tight at the splash that echoed way too loud in this world of silence.
I didn't move as she wordlessly walked passed me, taking a while longer.
I stood finally and walked to the railing, in front of my father's grave.
I kneeled down in the snow, now my knees and not only my ass being wet, being careful to keep the plush out of it, held under my left arm.
"Dad.... I know how much of an awful child I was but can I ask once favor from you?" I asked softly, staring at the cross of rulers. "Just one little favor.... Hope is on his way to you... Could you look after him for us?"
And I hated how the cold wind was my answer.
"Please look after him.... We'll take a bit longer to join you." I said tho I had less and less reasons to want to live, I was still selfish enough to want to live to see tomorrow.
I watched the grave-mark in silence with a hand raising to my head, a new beanie on it but it reminded me of him, it was a dark wine-rust red, his favorite color.
"I believe you'll take good care of Hope...."
I finally stood and stumbled, not feeling my legs it was so cold.
I shook them out and slowly walked home.
When I arrived the gate was still opened but I don't blame her for forgetting to push it closed after herself.
"Hey Whiskers." I pet the cat that was meowing as I approached.... Or at least tried. "Huh?" He avoided my hand and bounced back to the entrance, meowing again.
I closed the gate and loosely wrapped the rope around the bar so it would remain close but I need to remember to secure it again.
"Alright I get it you are hungry." I followed him.
I turned into the cafeteria and took a can of cat food off the counter and was about to open it when I noticed Whiskers was not here, rubbing himself up on my legs.
I looked back at the meowing cat the didn't enter the room.
"Oh come on don't be like this, I can feed you in this room just fine you don't need to find a new favorite place all of a sudden." I walked back to him but he ran towards the PE room.
I rolled my eyes and followed.
I held the cat food in one hand and the plush under my other so I used my elbow to push open the already ajar door.
"Now where are yo--" I cut myself off.
My eyes stuck to the sight like glue as whatever I was holding tumbled out of my hands.
I fell to my knees, it should have hurt, the loud smack of my cold and painful to the touch skin against the ground but I felt nothing.
My eyes couldn't believe what I was seeing.
My brain was working and slowly it pieced together what it was seeing.
A knocked over stool under one of the basketball hoops.
A piece of rope, taut, hanging off it.
And a body hanging off it.
And that's when it finally happened.
The one drop too much.
The straw that broke the camel.
The coup de grace.
The last strand snapping.
The school's walls, now feeling so small around me, echoed my own deafening screams of despair back to me as the first of the flood of tears broke free.