Kenopsia - Chapter 50: Chapter 50

"Dammit." I complained about another of the mix concrete bags put in place as I watered it to actually turn it to concrete, now both sides of the two fenced in parts were held down, I'd need to put on way more, I could make a wall if I have enough concrete mix.
"Or corrugates sheets will be enough." I said, the malls did have a do it yourself part with plywood, hammers, sheets of metal for metal walls... These are all so heavy.
But well there is a reason.
Since they died I dropped my routines, I stopped the calastn-thing muscle building thing, I dropped going on runs daily, I dropped jogging, I dropped many things.
How stupid am I? This is unnecessary risks, if I grow weak I will die, I can't let that happen.
I stood up, having been crouching as I poured the water on the bags but fell over, something yanking my head backwards.
"Great!" I lifted the bags and freed my hair but stayed laying down.
It is such a hassle to deal with!
I combed my finger through its length, having been left free, if I tied it up this wouldn't have happened.
I sat up criss-cross.
I sighed, I know how stupid it is to keep it short but I had short hair before this mess.
But I just couldn't get myself to buzz it off even if I had that battery driven razor, I guess it was another way to measure the passing of time.... And cutting it off would mean saying goodbye to the old world since the tips of my hair are the last of me that lived in a time before it.
I don't know it just feels wrong.
I stood.
"You know what, self care day, fuck the world, fuck the husks, fuck everything, lets do something fun." I tried convince myself but I didn't feel any better.
And now here I was, sitting on the edge of the river that I remained Blue, it always felt more homey when you name things how you want, it always feel like you are more in control... It is oddly comforting to change what things were named, separates them from their past, makes it distant.... Why else would I call husks that instead of zombies? They are both the same but it is just too human, the apocalypse is too human so the Great Silence it is, Now it is Rain-point what this town is called, this river is Blue.... All of it feels too human, too fictive... And nothing is fiction anymore... This is my life and it needed to feel real.
I looked back at the box of hair dye and was reading through it and when to take it out, last time I dyed it, it was another color and it was visible in my hair, a part of it was my natural hair and the lower part of it was the discolored previous dye.
It hurt more then I thought, to paint over the dye Vic had helped me do but I still did.
I scaled up at the underside of the bridge with a sigh, eyes around the area I thought the grave-marks were.... I can't even call them graves since their bodies have been carried away by the water, it is truly just things marking their graves.
My.... Wall of the dead growing so much and I wish it didn't, I can't let others in, I will just need to add their name anyway.
The boy, the person, Nancy, David, Jack, Adam, Jake, Lana, Jonny, Theo, the woman, dad, Hope, Vic.... Every single person I saw die, heard from others has died, everyone I killed... Everyone was remembered on that school wall forever.
I tried to grab the package that slipped through my hands.... I guess I'll just wash my hair out when I think it is good.
But yeah, forever to be remembered and one day I know I will add my name there, I don't give myself more then five more years, it will be a chore and just.... Too much.
It is already too much but I can still pull myself out of my bed and do things so I'll be fine for now...
I sighed, some days like these I can't help but remember I am human, that I get tired, hungry, that I suffer.... It gets heavy to carry these thoughts.
It gets heavy to be a human.
I jerked up at the loud noise I heard and looked up towards the hospital near me and to the north of the city.
I couldn't see much of what happened but next to it there was water spewing up in a tall geyser-like formation in a continuous stream.
Oh yeah, I knew when no maintained things would break, duh, that's why I started cleaning the School despite not wanting too, so it holds up and time don't break it down.
I watched the water spew, things will start to break soon.
I looked at the river, not for now but one of these years the bridges will fall and break.... The gardening section must exist in that huge mall up north, they should have more concrete bag mixes and even rocks, people resold rocks that were chiseled a bit. I could create my over way across when the bridge collapses, filling in the holes and stuff.... Or make a way across before that happens.... I need to think it over.
I grabbed my face.
So many things to do!