Lost Boy - Chapter 10: Chapter 10

Usually Charlie doesn't stay over at Finn's. Usually it feels like too close to letting people know that they're more than friends. But this time when Charlie wakes he's tangled up in Finn's duvet, the other boy sleeping peacefully beside him.
Charlie vaguely remembers falling asleep whilst watching a movie with Finn last night and guesses that Finn just didn't want to wake him but now he's in Finn's apartment and it appears he's going to have to entertain himself until Finn wakes up.
Charlie heads to the kitchen.
He's never been particularly skilled in the kitchen but he does have some capability. His father was never the most domestic person and so Charlie learned to fend for himself. And when pot noodles or beans on toast became a bit bland he actually learned to cook. Simple things like pasta at first; working his way up until he could actually make a proper meal that required some skill.
And so Charlie sets to work making pancakes.
It's the smell of them that wakes Finn from his slumber. He stumbles into the kitchen bleary eyed, wearing nothing but a pair of boxers slung low on his hips.
"G'morning," he says, still sounding half asleep.
Charlie can hardly breathe, looking at Finn is slightly like looking directly into the sun and Charlie can feel himself burning from the inside out.
But the pancakes are at risk of burning too and so he quickly tears his gaze away. Allows Finn to try and wake himself up as Charlie puts the pancakes onto plates and sets the table.
"You didn't have to make breakfast," Finn tells Charlie even as his stomach rumbles.
"I wanted to," Charlie answers simply.
Smiles are shared. Pancakes are eaten. And when Charlie's phone begins to ring it takes him a moment to realise that he's supposed to answer it.
"You gonna get that?"
Charlie is snapped out of his daze and grabs the phone, spots that it's Matthew's name flashing up on the screen.
"Hey Matty," Charlie says, sounding somewhat nervous.
Matthew rarely rings. The two of them Skype once a week, and occasionally they text in between, but there's never any real need for a phone call so this is unusual to say the least.
"Hi Charlie," Matthew replies, "what are you doing right not?"
"I'm just hanging out with a friend."
"Any plans for today?"
Charlie has plans to attempt an essay, to kiss Finn, but not much more than that.
"Not really," Charlie admits, "just some bits and bobs."
"Good, cause you have plans now."
"I do?"
"I'm five minutes away."
"From where?"
"You, idiot," Matthew says sighing slightly, "who are you with? Will they mind me showing up cause I'll just meet you there if not."
"I'm at Finn's," Charlie says slowly.
"Finn's?" Matthew repeats. "As in Finn from back home? As in Finn who used to be my best friend?"
"Yeah."
"Oh. Wow. You guys are friends now?"
"Yeah."
"Will he mind me coming round?"
Charlie quickly covers the phone and asks the question, unsure of what he wants Finn's reply to be.
Charlie presses the phone back to his ear.
"That's fine."
Finn's smiling when Charlie hangs up the phone.
"Matty's in town?"
Charlie doesn't know exactly how or why the friendship between Matthew and Finn ended; all he knows is that it did. But it appears that Finn bears no hard feelings anymore – if there were ever any bear to begin with – and in fact seems excited about Matthew's imminent arrival. Charlie cannot say the same about himself. It's not that he doesn't want to see his brother; it's just that Finn and he have managed to create their own little world. They've managed to keep everything a secret, to create a little bit of paradise. Charlie's worried Matthew is going to upset the balance.
Surely his brother knows the two of them better than anyone else in the world. Charlie is terrified of him finding out.
Finn must be able to see the worry lines forming in Charlie's forehead as he leans over and caresses Charlie's cheek, cupping his face and pulling him in for a quick kiss.
"It'll be fine," he assures Charlie, "he won't find out. I guess we just won't be able to kiss or anything for however long he's staying."
Charlie nods. Tries to pretend that he believes it could be anywhere near as simple as that.
"I haven't seen him in forever," Finn carries on, "I guess your dad was never exactly welcoming, and Matt wanted to leave everything behind when he left home."
"He didn't have to leave you behind," Charlie points out.
"We both tried to keep in touch but things just got in the way, I don't know, I guess we grew up, but in different directions."
It's Finn whose forehead is starting to crease now and Charlie leans over to smooth the skin out in a surprisingly tender gesture. He presses a light kiss to Finn's forehead before pulling away and resting his head on Finn's shoulder.
"Do you miss being friends with him?"
"Of course. He was my first proper friend, he was the first person to accept me after I came out and the first boy I told when I kissed a guy. But I've made new friends and I'm sure he has too, like I said Charlie, we've grown up."
Charlie wishes that growing up didn't mean you had to leave your childhood behind, that you could take it with you instead.
"Still, it might be nice for the two of you to see each other again."
"I'm sure it will be," Finn agrees, "but we don't have time to talk about this now. Your brother might accept the fact that you were staying over without any questions, but he want you to explain why I'm just in my boxers, or why you're barely wearing more clothes."
Charlie blushes at the mention of how little clothing they're wearing, as if he hadn't realised it before. He always a t-shirt, refuses to let Finn see him without it, but still the thin fabric feels like it's hiding very little. Then he turns and heads towards Finn's room.
"Can I borrow some clothes?" He calls over his shoulder.
Finn sighs.
"Sure," he replies, "but you might as well just start leaving stuff here, I swear you're always borrowing stuff."
"I always return it," Charlie points out.
"Still, it would be easier for you just not to take it in the first place."
"Whatever," Charlie replies, "I'll bring something next time."
Charlie pulls on his jeans from the day before and grabs the first t-shirt he sees in Finn's drawers. He's just brushing his teeth and running a hand through his mess of hair when he hears a knock on Finn's door. Luckily Finn's already dressed, and so he answers the door whilst Charlie quickly tries his best to make it look like he hasn't just spent the night at Finn's place.
"Hey," Charlie says when he steps out of the bathroom and sees his brother.
"Hey," Matthew replies, "Finn was just telling me how I'd interrupted your revision session."
"Uhm... yeah," Charlie stammers.
Matt casts a disbelieving look over to the dining room table where there are still plates of half eaten pancakes and no textbooks whatsoever in sight.
"We got distracted by pancakes?" Charlie offers half-heartedly.
His brother shrugs, Charlie knows that Matt has never been one to pry, believing that if it's anything to do with you you'll find out eventually anyway.
"Any chance there's some for me?"
"Sure."
Charlie and his brother have never been the closest of siblings. They've never really fought, and they've always had each other's backs, but there's always been some sort of divide between the two of them. Charlie is tempted to blame it on his Dad, as he does most things, to blame him for the fact that the two of them have always been competing to be the 'best son'. It's partially that, Charlie supposes, partially the fact that the two of them have very little in common.
Charlie's still glad to see him though.
"So what's the plan for today then?" Matt asks as if he didn't give Charlie five minutes warning about his arrival.
"I guess I can show you around," Charlie offers, "we can go get some food or something."
Matthew nods and carries on working his way through a stack of pancakes higher than Charlie thought any man could eat. Finn's eating a similar quantity though, and so Charlie is panicking slightly that his pancake making talents may be required once again. They manage to make do though and so before long Charlie is grabbing his jacket and the three of them are making their way out of Finn's building.
Finn wasn't invited along per se, but it just seemed right for him to come with them. After all Finn was always Matthew's best friend, and so there's no way Matt's visit feels right without him tagging along.
"So any exciting news about your time here?" Matt asks. "Any hot dates, cute girls... cute guys? Any steamy makeout sessions I should know about."
"I don't think you should know about any of my steamy makeout sessions," Charlie tells his brother simply.
"But there have been steamy makeout sessions then?"
"No."
"God you're a terrible liar Charlie, just make sure you use protection."
Charlie is pretty sure there isn't an inch of his skin that isn't tinged red at that moment, from his forehead right down to his toes.
"Shut up," he mutters and quickens his pace.
It's quite brisk out, September is fading into October and then sun is coming out less. There's a cool breeze biting at Charlie's cheeks and he tugs the sleeves of his jacket over his hands to keep them warm. Charlie's always loved autumn, the colours, the clothes, the weather and this year is no exception. The university campus is gorgeous, trees line every path and the floor is now covered in a carpet of leaves of every colour.
But Charlie can't focus on that, he's too busy trying not to wind his fingers through Finn's to calm his nerves. It's become almost an automatic reaction, for Charlie to just reach out and touch Finn, the skin against skin contact is far more comforting than Charlie ever thought it could be. But he can't do that whilst Matt's here, and that's only serving to put him more on edge.
It's not even that Matthew would have a problem with it. He's far more liberal that their father, and he used to be Finn's best friend after all. But telling Matthew means running the risk of Matt passing the message onto their father, and it's not like Charlie can exactly define what he and Finn are. And telling Matthew feels like the start of a chain of dominoes, because if they can tell Matt then they can surely tell Eliza, and then all of Finn's friends. And then why are they bothering to hide it?
Charlie knows Finn is giving up far more than he should be so that Charlie can avoid telling his father. Charlie knows that he should just man up and tell him, or cut off contact. But it's so difficult. Deep down he's still that sixteen year old boy who tore someone's world apart because he was scared of the consequences otherwise. But Charlie can't face doing that again, and he can't face the punches. He isn't sure he'll survive his Dad finding out again, either mentally or physically it doesn't matter, whichever manages to kill him off first.
"You okay?" Finn's voice is tentative, he tries to keep his tone neutral but he can't stop the tenderness from slipping in.
"Yeah," Charlie replies quickly, "I'm good."
"Good."
Matthew watches the short exchange silently. And even when he turns to Charlie, an eyebrow raised slightly, he says nothing.
"Look," Finn trails off, "I'm gonna let you two spend some time together."
"Oh," Charlie isn't sure what else to say.
"Yeah I've got a shit ton of work to do."
"Have fun," Matthew says teasingly.
"I will do," Finn pauses briefly, "look we should meet up sometime Matty, go out for a meal or a drink or something?"
"That sounds good," Matt replies, "we've got a lot to catch up on."
With that Finn leaves, and Charlie is left with his brother alone, unsure of exactly what to say.
"So..." Matthew trails off and the awkwardness cloaks them tighter, "since when have you been on the swim team?"
Charlie descends into confusion for a brief moment before he looks down at the shirt he grabbed from Finn's drawer.
"Uhm...."
"So, you and Finn are such best buddies now that you're sharing clothes?" Matthew doesn't mean to sound bitter but he can't help it.
"It's not like that," Charlie says, unsure of how to explain without telling Matt exactly what's going on.
"No?" Matthew says. "Oh, did you stay the night."
Matt's tone is suggestive and he turns to Charlie and winks.
"No, well yes, but not like that."
"I'm just saying you know you can tell me if you have."
The words are on the tip of Charlie's tongue and he's so close to confessing everything. He and Matthew may never have been all that close but that doesn't mean that Charlie isn't desperate for someone to confide in, wants to tell Matthew everything.
He's too afraid though.
"And I wouldn't blame you," Matthew continues, "I mean I guess Finn's pretty hot."
Charlie is so surprised to find that Matthew can say something like that so casually. How can he have been brought up by their father and still be able to say things as casually as that.
"Did you and Finn ever?" Charlie gestures as if to explain what he's trying to say and tries to keep the jealousy out of his tone.
"Oh god no," Matthew replies, "I wasn't about to ruin our friendship over me being curious, but I mean I've tried it, with guys from university."
"Really? And?"
Charlie can't stop his eagerness, because maybe Matthew's like him. And maybe everything will be okay.
"It was okay I guess, I wouldn't necessarily go out of my way to do it again. But there's nothing wrong with being curious Charlie, hell there's nothing wrong with being gay in general. But if you wanna try some stuff with Finn I'm not gonna stop you."
"I'm not trying, we're not trying, we're just friends," Charlie says firmly.
Matt laughs lightly.
"Whatever you say little brother."
They walk for a little bit longer making conversation, catching up. Charlie can't remember the last time he and Matthew talked like this, he's not sure they ever have before.
"I'm actually kind of glad Finn left," Matthew admits, "I need to talk to you about something."
"Okay."
Charlie is nervous, Matthew is never all that serious but he's frowning now. And that can only mean it's bad news, something which Charlie would really rather not be dealing with right now, not when things seem to be going so well.
"Dad called," Matthew tells Charlie.
Charlie stops walking straight away. His father and brother have not spoken since Matthew left home two years ago, not even on the phone. When Matthew left for university he left everything behind, shedding his childhood like a second skin. The only person he kept on talking to was Charlie, not quite prepared to leave his younger brother to be completely alone against his father. Of course Matthew doesn't know all about what happened after he left and there was nothing he could really do to stop it, but Charlie knew deep down that if things ever got really bad he could run away to Matt. Of course Charlie never did, not even after the Daniel situation when his ribs had broken and his heart had shattered. Leaving then had felt too much like giving in, and so he'd stayed, put up with his father for a couple more years, counting down the days until he could leave.
But Matthew's here now, and he's spoken to their father. Charlie feels his stomach drop to the floor with worry, his palms are sweating and Charlie just wants to run, run away from everything his father's ever done.
"What did he want?" Charlie asks.
Charlie's not sure whether he hates his father. He hates everything he stands for, he hates the faded bruises and the scars, he hates his father's anger and his own fear. But his dad's still family and Charlie isn't quite sure how to say goodbye to that just yet.
Matthew and Charlie have never been close and Charlie gave up on depending on him a few years ago. Their mother left them alone with their father when she got a shot at a new life. And so Charlie feels like his Dad may be the only family he has.
Maybe not anymore though. Maybe Matthew might stick around, maybe Charlie can finally work up the courage to tell his Dad to just fuck off.
"He said you haven't been home yet," Matt says slowly, gauging Charlie's reaction as he says every word, "and that you've barely called. He seemed pissed. I think he misses having you around."
Charlie notices how Matthew doesn't say that his dad misses him. He misses having him around and the two things are entirely different. His dad doesn't miss his son, he misses having someone he can take his anger out on, misses having someone around who doesn't fight back.
"I guess I should probably talk to him."
"You... you don't have to if you don't want to, you know that don't you?"
"Yeah."
"I know what he's like Charlie, and if you want him out of your life just don't talk to him. I'll tell him I haven't heard from you and he won't bother looking for you. Even if he does, I reckon Finn can take him," Matthew tries to inject some humour into the conversation but it falls flat.
"Easy for you to say," Charlie mutters.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Matthew asks, sounding slightly hurt.
"You've already done it," Charlie explains, "you pissed him off more than anything had before."
Charlie pauses briefly. Tries not to let himself cry in public and releases what he's kept bottled up for the past two years.
"You left me behind."
Charlie's voice breaks when he says it, he's never realised quite how strongly he felt that until he said aloud.
But it's true, Charlie resents his brother ever so slightly for leaving without ever looking back. He knew what their father was like, he knew what might happen, and yet he left. Charlie can't decide if he's jealous of Matthew for getting out earlier than him or hates him for not taking Charlie with him.
"I think we should probably sit down," Matthew suggests, seemingly flustered and looking for a brief distraction.
They settle on a park bench nearby and Charlie stares down at the floor.
Matthew sighs.
"Charlie," he begins, "I didn't want to leave you behind."
"You did though."
"I didn't know what else to do," Matthew admits, "I just wanted out of there, I couldn't stand to wake up in the morning knowing he was in the room next door. And I couldn't exactly take you with me to university, besides you had friends back there. And so I left, I figured if I stayed in touch you could tell me if worst came to worst."
Charlie's hand goes to the scar on his stomach from when his father sliced him with shattered glass and thinks about how worst is a relative term. Charlie always used to tell himself that surely things could only get better, but as long as his father was still angry and Charlie was still scared he couldn't be sure what the worst really was.
Charlie remains silent as Matthew sighs once again, seemingly trying to find the right words to say.
"Fuck," Matthew mutters, "I thought about taking you with me so many times. I thought about calling up mum and forcing her to let you move in with her. I tried to track down distant relatives to take you in but they're non-existent. All you needed to do was call me if things were getting too difficult and I would have gotten you out of there. But I thought you were coping, I thought maybe he'd mellow out about, the biggest problem always seemed to be Finn anyway."
"I just felt so alone," Charlie admits, "there was no one else going through the same things as me. I'm not saying you should have put up with that shit, just, I didn't want to go through it all on my own."
"Fuck Charlie, you're not on your own anymore. I promise."
And maybe it's not some grand reunion that's going to change their relationship forever. Maybe they're never going to be closure, and maybe they're not going to have an emotional conversation together again. But right then Charlie knows that Matthew means those words, that he's willing to stick by Charlie no matter what. That from this point onwards he doesn't have to suffer his father by himself.
And it's not just Matthew. Charlie has Finn too, and maybe Eliza and the rest of Finn's friends. And there are people he talks to in his classes who are starting to invite him places. And there's his friends from back home and maybe he's not alone.
Of course Charlie's not going to go around running and telling the world about what his father's done. He's never going to bare his heart entirely, never going to parade his scars. But he's willing to share a little bit of himself with people. Is willing to consider that other people are there for him, that he can rely on them when he's really struggling.
"Thanks Matt."
It's a short response but it's all Matthew needs to hear. He leans and places his arm around his brother's shoulder. Pulling him in for a hug that's one part awkward and one part comforting.
They finally feel somewhat like siblings. Charlie realises that he could have relied on Matthew all along, that his brother would have never pushed him away or left him to fend for himself. But they were never close enough for Charlie to approach him. Maybe now things could start to change, maybe this could be a new beginning. Out with old, in with the new. Out with his dad, in with his brother.
In with Finn.
Maybe.
"But yeah Dad wants you to call," Matthew says, obviously realising that this is something that they have no choice but to deal with, "do you want me to just tell him to fuck off?"
Charlie pauses.
"No..." he says slowly, "I just, need a bit of time."
Charlie knows it sounds stupid but he thinks Matt will understand. This isn't just quitting chocolate or moving house, this is cutting off his Dad. If it had been someone else then there might be a chance of future reconciliation. But this is Dad and there's no going back. This feels so much like cutting off the past eighteen years of his life that Charlie can't help but hesitate.
He just needs a little time and luckily Matthew seems to get that.
"Okay then," Matt replies, "just call me, whatever you decide. I mean text me before then and stuff."
"How long you around for?"
"A couple of nights maybe, I don't really know, I've gotta find a hotel and stuff."
"You sure you'll be okay in a hotel?"
"Are you kidding? Am I gonna be fine with room service and a mini fridge? Of course I am!"
Matthew's enthusiasm is infectious and Charlie finds himself smiling and laughing.
This seems to be happening a lot nowadays, this feeling of happiness that he just can't seem to shake. At first Charlie pinned it on Finn, but now he's starting to wonder if it's due to the absence of his father.
"I guess I'll see you then."
"I'll call you to meet up tomorrow," Matthew promises, "we can grab a meal or something."
With that Matthew is gone and Charlie heads back to his dorm room. Pulling out his phone to call Finn on the way back.
"Hey," Charlie greets when Finn picks up.
"You coming over?"
Charlie changes the direction he's walking in.
"Now I am," he says lightly.
"What did you two talk about?"
"Just stuff."
"Charlie," Finn sighs.
"We can talk about it when I get to yours."
It doesn't take long but Finn stays on the phone the whole way. Telling Charlie about whatever he's done since he left Charlie and Matthew.
Charlie tries to listen but he can't help tuning out. His thoughts are still back on the conversation with his brother, wondering if cutting off his father can really be as easy as Matt says. If that's really what he wants to do.
He knows why he's considering it now when he never has before, Finn is the only possible explanation. But is Finn enough? Charlie knows that they've grown closer but it's only November, he's only been at university two months. And Finn himself told Charlie he doesn't do long term, he's promising that he does now but Charlie knows how easy it is to go back on a promise.
Charlie's not sure what he does if he gives up his family for Finn only for Finn to give up on him. And Charlie hasn't even told him about Daniel yet.
"You're not listening to me are you?" Finn mock complains.
"Sorry, I'm distracted."
"We're gonna talk about this," Finn says, "I think you need to."
"What if I don't want to?"
Charlie's at Finn's door now so he knocks and hangs up the phone. Finn pulls it open and gives Charlie a curious look.
"So what do you want to do?" He challenges.
"Kiss until I can't remember my own name let alone anything else?" Charlie suggests.
It's not the best solution, it's not a clever solution, Charlie's not convinced that it's a solution at all. But Finn pulls him into the room without questioning him and closes the door by pushing Charlie up against it.
This is what Charlie needs right now. Maybe it's all Charlie needs full stop.
Maybe all Charlie needs is Finn.