Lost Boy - Chapter 11: Chapter 11

Matt and Finn arrange to go out for a meal together the next night and Finn drags Matt to a new burger joint that's opened a ten minute walk away from him.
"So..." Matt says.
Neither of them expected it to be this awkward but it definitely is. There's something about a gap of two years that appears impossible to overcome. Finn can't even really remember why they fell out of touch, but he does remember why he and Matt were such good friends. There may be some awkward tension between them but it fades a little bit more as every second passes and hints of their friendship starts to appear again.
Ten minutes in and Finn's got Matt snorting lemonade out of his nose as he laughs. Twelve minutes in and Matt has Finn blushing about a drunken hook-up back at a party when they were teens. Fifteen minutes in and the pair are smiling like nothing ever changed.
"So what have I missed over the past two years?" Finn questions.
Matthew tells him all about his time at university, about his girlfriends and his brief experimental phase and his lecturers. Filling Finn in on every little detail he's missed. Then it's Finn's turn to talk about friends and parties and drunken hook-ups. They swap stories of class pranks and drunken dares. But Matthew can't help but notice that Finn seems to be avoiding talking about an important detail. He may not have been in Finn's life for most of the past two years but he certainly seems to be important now.
"So..." Matt says again, but this time he's apparently unsure of how to approach a certain subject.
"So?" Apparently Finn is confused and so Matt might actually have to bite the bullet and ask.
"You and Charlie?"
"What about the two of us?" Finn asks, feigning nonchalance.
"Are you what? Boyfriends, hook-up buddies?"
"We're just friends."
"Don't even try that on me," Matt warns, "Charlie already told me that and you're only marginally a better liar than him. I know my little brother and I know something's going on between the two of you. I'm not bothered, do what you want you're both grownups. I'd just like to know what that something is so I don't accidentally say something stupid."
"Fine," Finn concedes, "we're something... but I don't know the specifics of it."
Matt pauses and looks thoughtful, Finn takes the opportunity to take a large bite of his burger in the hope that Matt will stop asking questions if he thinks Finn's mouth it too full to reply. He appears to have no such luck as Matt looks at him purposefully when he finally appears to have figured out what he's going to say.
"You should probably figure that out."
"Probably."
"Just don't break his heart Finn," Matthew tells him.
The switch to protective big brother mode is obvious and Finn lets out a slow sigh. He's not used to this as he never usually gets to this stage of meeting the family, but he's heard about it and he kind of hoped he'd never have to suffer through it.
"It's not my heart to break," he replies simple.
"Oh come on, we both know that's not true."
"Charlie's not given me his heart, we're not that serious."
Matt just shakes his head again, as if Finn is potentially the stupidest person he has ever spoken to.
"Fine then," Finn says, "you ever think he might break mine?"
Matthew lets out a snort of laughter but then his brow furrows when he realises Finn isn't joking.
"Charlie's not a heartbreaker," Matthew replies, "he wouldn't hurt a fly."
"Charlie doesn't know what he wants," Finn points out quietly, "it doesn't matter if he wants to hurt me, it's not going to stop him from doing it."
This is what Finn has been worried about all along. Because he knows he's placing himself in a dangerous position. As long as Charlie doesn't know what he really wants Finn cannot be sure that one day he won't want to end this all. Finn isn't sure how long it might take, Finn could hold onto the hope of them lasting before Charlie realises that this isn't what he really wants. All it might take is one call from Charlie's father and everything might come crashing down. Finn knows it isn't fair for him to ask Charlie to give up everything but until Charlie does, Finn's always going to have some doubts about how long the two of them can last.
"You're still mad about him aren't you?"
"What do you mean still?"
"Please Finn, I know you've liked him since way back."
"What?" Finn sounds surprised, he thought he'd managed to conceal his feelings well.
He'd always tried to tread carefully around Charlie, not knowing how Matt might react to finding out his best friend liked his little brother.
"You remember that party three years ago? The first one I let Charlie come to?"
Finn nods and can feel his heart start to race. He remembers that party very well. The hot press of Charlie's lips against his, the feeling of their hearts beating against one another and their skin brushing. He can still remember how Charlie smelt of strawberries and cider, how every kiss was scorching, how Finn was pretty sure he was going to die from delirium, how he was pretty sure he was going to die happy.
"I saw you two," Finn stills slightly when Matt says that.
"Saw us doing what?"
"The two of you were stood in the kitchen and Charlie had turned away to do something and you were looking at him like you couldn't believe he was really there, fuck I'd never seen anyone look as amazed as that. I put two and two together and it didn't take me long to remember all the times you used to beg me to ask Charlie to the parties and how you used to go out of your way to talk to him whenever you came over to the house," Matt pauses briefly, "Anyway why did you ask what I saw you doing? What did you do?"
"Nothing."
Finn's answer is too quick and too short and Matt raises his eyebrows questioningly.
"Oh my god," he says, "I would ask but he's my brother and you're my best friend so I really don't want to know."
Finn can't help but notice the way that Matt says 'you're my best friend', present tense. It's so nice to have Matthew back in his life, for things to go back to normal so easily. Maybe the Martin brothers are just meant to be in Finn's life.
"You didn't mind that I liked him?"
"You can't help who you like," Matt points out, "and it's not like anything was ever really going to happen between the two of you with our Dad around. I guess that explains a lot though if the two of you are getting back together."
"Explains a lot about what?"
"About Charlie and his Dad?"
Finn's expression remains puzzled and it quickly becomes clear to Matt that Charlie must not have told him about considering cutting their Dad off.
"Doesn't matter," Matt says quickly.
"Okay then," Finn doesn't sound sure about that but he's not going to push Matt to talk about it, "I'm sure Charlie will talk about it with me if he wants to."
And that's that. The conversation moves on, the catch-up continues and the two of them become best friends all over again. There are some relationships that can't be forgotten or destroyed even after two years of neglect and Finn is pleased that theirs is one of them.
"I had a really good time tonight," Finn says as Matt asks for the bill.
"Me too."
"I'd be a bit insulted if you hadn't said that," Finn tells Matt teasingly.
"Well it's a good job I'm a better liar than you then," Matt replies simply.
"Whatever."
"Whatever."
The two walk out of the restaurant and into the chilly night.
"We'll have to catch up again sometime," Finn says.
"Definitely. Just as long as the next time you're telling me the gory details about a drunken hook-up, my brother's not the one you're hooking up with."
"You don't want me to hook up with Charlie?"
"I don't want you to tell me about it," Matt corrects, "just don't fuck him over and we'll be fine."
"Noted. Just know I don't particularly want to be fucked over either."
"You're probably better off telling my brother that instead of me."
"Maybe."
The two of them part ways with that, heading in opposite directions down the path. Finn pulls his phone out of his pocket, already planning on texting Charlie before he even knows what he wants to stay. He doesn't really have to think about it though, Charlie has evidently taken it upon himself to send Finn an interrogation about the night.
Charlie: So how was it? Are you two best friends again?
Charlie: This is taking longer than I anticipated, I'm gonna take that as a good sign
Charlie: Unless one of you has murdered the other for saying something stupid
Charlie: I'm putting my money on Matt killing you, you say some stupid shit sometimes
Finn can't help the small smile that tugs at his lips. Charlie never fails to bring the expression to his face or put him in a better mood.
Finn: Nice to see how little faith in me you have :p (or how much you want me dead)
Charlie: I just have little faith in how long Matt's patience can hold out...
Finn: Fuck you :p
Charlie: You know you wanna ;) ;) ;)
Of course Finn knows that Charlie is merely teasing him but that doesn't make his words any less true. And Finn suddenly realises how desperately he wants to see Charlie right now. If he didn't have so much fun with the other boy he'd be slightly concerned about the amount of time that the two of them seem to spend together.
Finn: Damn I really do :(
Finn: Come round?
Charlie: You're so needy
Charlie: I'll be round in five
Charlie: Maybe ten
Finn smiles brightly when he hears Charlie knock on the door. The other boy has a bag slung over one shoulder and is staring at his scuffed shoes when Finn opens the door.
"So how was it?" Charlie asks as soon as he lays eyes on Finn. "You never actually answered the damn question."
"It was good," Finn replies, "we just caught up on the past few years, talked about stuff, nothing interesting."
Charlie raises his eyebrows as if he doesn't quite believe Finn is telling the truth.
"Nothing interesting at all."
"Well I told him how good you were at giving handjobs," Finn says casually.
"Finn!"
The boy in question can't help but burst out laughing at the expression of panic on Charlie's face. Of course he knows why Charlie is panicked, this whole relationship is supposed to be a secret after all. Finn has to admit he's slightly hurt that Charlie even thinks he might be serious.
"I'm joking," Finn pauses long enough for Charlie's worried expression to ease, "I told him you were terrible at it."
"Oh did you now?" Charlie replies. "Guess that means you don't want another one."
Finn quickly realises the error of his ways and attempts to backtrack.
"I'm joking of course."
"Are you really? Or is this your subtle way of saying that you never want me to touch your dick again?"
"That's clearly not the case," Finn points out, "I think we both know that I would love for you to touch my dick again."
"Well now I'm just not sure. Guess I just won't bother to be on the safe side."
Finn tugs on Charlie's shirt so the other boy is brought closer to him.
"I think maybe you should do it again to be on the safe side," Finn suggests.
Charlie tips his head to the side as if he's considering both options before leaning up towards Finn and pressing their lips together. It's a short peck, just long enough to show Finn that he's only joking.
"Maybe later."
Finn seems happy enough with that response and so the two of them actually move away from the closed door and towards the sofa.
"You wanna watch a movie?" Charlie asks.
"Not really, I was thinking we could just talk I'm kinda tired."
"Fair enough, you got any food?"
Finn stares at Charlie in muted shock for a few moments.
"Are you seriously asking me if I have food in? As in you're going to eat something?"
Charlie rolls his eyes before replying.
"Yes Finn, I'm hungry."
Finn knows better than to question Charlie's odd behaviour further. In the short time they've been something Finn has begun to notice Charlie's strange eating habits. Usually he eats very little especially during actual meals. He snacks slightly more but even then Finn usually has to coax him into eating something. But Finn knows it's a touchy subject and so he simply goes and grabs some snacks out of the kitchen area. A jumbo bag of crisps and some chocolate.
"There's some ice cream in the freezer as well if you want it," Finn tells Charlie.
"Do you own anything remotely healthy?"
"There's fruit and vegetables, but I don't feel in a particularly healthy mood tonight."
Charlie rolls his eyes again but doesn't argue and so the two of them settle down at either end of a sofa, legs intertwined as they dig into the snacks Finn has brought through.
"We did talk about you," Finn admits a few moments later, "Matt gave me the whole big brother speech."
"He did what?"
"Threatened to kill me if I broke your heart, you know, normal stuff," Finn tells Charlie flippantly.
"How did he know there was anything going on between us to warn you about?" Charlie questions.
Finn simply shrugs.
"Apparently you're a terrible liar," Finn tells this with a small smile toying at his lips.
"Is he gonna tell Dad?"
Finn may have been on the verge of smiling before but his expression quickly falls when he hears the panic in Charlie's tone. There keeps on being brief moments when Finn forgets the awful situation they're in. When, for a minute, he forgets that they're a secret, forgets that Charlie is probably never going to be comfortable telling anyone he's dating Finn. Finn wishes these moments would stretch on forever, in some cases ignorance of an issue seems to be better than knowledge.
"You know he won't," Finn reminds Charlie, "it's hardly like the two of them are talking."
"Dad called Matt the other day," Charlie tells Finn.
"What? I thought they hadn't spoken since Matt left home."
"They haven't. But Dad wanted to know if Matt knew why I wasn't returning his calls, and if I was planning on coming home soon."
"Oh."
Finn can't think of anything else to say. He's spent his entire relationship with Charlie both trying to ignore the thought of his father and also being unable to stop thinking about him. If Finn had to pick one thing that was going to stop the pair's relationship from progressing no farther than these secret kisses then it would be Peter Martin. Finn can never ask Charlie to give up the only family he has, but he's also not sure he can carry on like this whilst Charlie's always worried about his Dad finding out.
Finn hates being Charlie's dirty little secret. He hates how it makes Charlie feel even more.
Charlie's tone is resigned as he begins to talk, every sentence punctuated with a small, despondent sigh.
"Yeah. I guess he figured it was weird that I hadn't been in touch and so he thought Matt might know what was going on, he must have been pretty desperate though if he talked to him, Dad told me he was never going to speak to Matt again, something about there being nothing worse than your own son turning on you."
"Charlie," Finn says simply, his voice hesitant.
Finn has known Charlie since he was seven, he and Matt practically grew up together. But Finn still doesn't entirely know what happens in the Martin household when the curtains are drawn. Of course he has ideas, snippets of overheard conversations, accidental slips of Matt's tongue and bruises littering arms that sleeves just can't quite cover. He's never actually asked though, it never seemed like the right moment, it never seemed like it would be a question that would be appreciated.
So Finn tries to lead up to it without actually asking it.
"Do you want to go back home?"
Charlie knows the question should be a simple one to answer, it only takes a yes or no after all. Charlie knows it should be a no, knows he should cut his losses and be done with his Father, should give up on the idea of them all being a happy family once again. It's difficult though, when happy endings are everywhere he looks and when people are telling him that you should always forgive the ones you love, that people can change, you shouldn't give up on them.
"I don't know."
"Charlie," Finn says once again, "you'd tell me if there was any reason you didn't want to go back home right?"
"You know why."
"I know your Dad's a homophobic douche yes. But I don't know why you and Matt tiptoe around him as if he's about to explode. I don't know why you won't get changed in front of me, I don't know why you flinch every time I try to hug you."
"You can probably guess," Charlie points out, "you're a smart boy."
"I don't want to guess," Finn tells Charlie, "I want to know for sure. Because as long as I'm still guessing, I can keep on trying to convince myself that I'm probably wrong."
Charlie sighs, he's always known that this conversation would have to happen eventually, Finn's curiosity was going to get the better of him sooner or later after all. But he was hoping it might not be for a while, he was hoping hearts might be broken before the opportunity arose. He was hoping it wouldn't be on a night like tonight, when he's too tired to try to think of a reason why Finn doesn't deserve to know.
"You know my dad," Charlie says, "he likes rules and he likes to be in control of everything. It's why you were never allowed in the house, it's why all my friends were practically investigated before I was allowed to play round at there's. And you've seen my dad mad, not really mad, but shouting mad."
"Shouting mad isn't really mad?"
"Really mad is saved for when it's just family," Charlie says simply.
Charlie leaves it at that for now and Finn doesn't push him. Instead the two of them sit in near silence, Finn humming along to the radio the two of them can hear through the room's thin walls. Finn threads their fingers together and lightly circles his thumb against Charlie's skin in a reassuring gesture.
"He never used to get that mad," Charlie decides to continue a few minutes later, "I guess he was kinda good when I was young but then he used to shout at us for the stupidest things, if one of us knocked over a glass of water or if I turned the TV up a little too loudly. Then when mum left he got worse, I think it was the drink at first, it messed everything up, always seems to be that way hey. But then afterwards I guess violence seemed like a better solution to making us stop than asking."
Finn can't hide the way his breath is suddenly sharp.
Finn had guessed all of this of course, but it doesn't make it any easier to hear Charlie say it with such a neutral expression on his face. As if he's numb to what's happened, to what is still happening. As if it's been going on so long he's given up on caring, as if this is what he expects, as if he's given up on hoping for any better.
"I used to come home from school terrified that something would have happened to make him mad, I worked myself to death to make sure I had perfect grades, was decent at sports, was popular enough to have friends but not too close to any of them so that they'd ask too many questions. I was on sports teams and made sure to never get too out of shape so he'd never have anything to criticise me for, I worked my ass off for school, four hours a night after practice. I did chores without him asking, never left a spillage or a stain, my room was spotless. It was like I was trying to make myself as easy to live with as possible for him, trying to erase any trace of myself in the house. But it was never enough, there was always something I should have been better at or always something for me to do wrong."
Finn isn't sure if Charlie realises he's crying. It's nothing dramatic, just a few soft tears rolling down his cheeks. Finn feels his heart fracture a little bit. Because Charlie's expression is still impassive and Finn's starting to realise that this is probably a practiced response, years of hiding all of his secrets from his Father and his friends has created an emotionless Charlie. A zombie trained in the art of getting by. Finn didn't realise how much Charlie had changed since starting university till he went back to his zombie state.
"Charlie what did he do?"
Of course Finn can guess, Charlie's practically saying it anyway. And parts of Finn don't want to know, want to carry on being oblivious and pretend that the worst thing about Peter Martin is a few homophobic words being shouted on a summer afternoon. But Finn needs to hear the words, his hatred of Peter Martin has been doused in petrol and now he needs to set it alight.
Rather than answering Finn's questions directly, Charlie tugs his shirt upwards.
At first glance it just looks like Charlie might have injured himself playing sports or something but as Finn looks closer he can see the layers of still fading bruises covering scars. It's like Finn can see all of Charlie's childhood mapped out on his back, years of violence and anger that it still seems like he hasn't escaped.
Finn's fingers hover just over Charlie's skin and the other boy inhales sharply, warning him not to touch.
"What are these from?"
Finn can't touch so he gestures to three burns on Charlie's shoulder. They're not big but they form an almost perfect equilateral triangle.
"Cigarettes."
There's no trace of anger or sadness in Charlie's voice, instead he speaks in a dull monotone as if the whole thing bores him. Finn thinks this might actually be worse than hearing Charlie getting emotional, Charlie's detachment from what he's been through makes Finn feel like there's a stake piercing his heart that is driven a little deeper every time Charlie speaks.
"I hate him," Finn says.
"There's no point," Charlie replies, "you'll be wasting your time, he won't care if you hate him, he doesn't care if I do anyway."
"Charlie," Finn gasps, and the other boy's expressionless eyes fall upon him, "I'm so sorry you had to go through this."
"Not your fault."
"I should have tried to do something, deep down I've always known something was going on, I should have told someone."
"Don't worry about it, I could have told someone and I didn't, how could I expect you to?"
Finn realises that Charlie understandably wants to drop the conversation and it's clear that Charlie's not going to accept Finn's apologises or his attempts to try to make things better. And so Finn does the only thing he knows will take Charlie's mind off it all, the only thing he knows how to do to make Charlie smile.
He kisses him.
Their kisses are usually infused with passion, they both know that they're working against the clock, that there can only be so many kisses left before everything falls apart and so they pour everything into them, their frustrations and desires. But this one is tender, this is Finn telling Charlie everything he knows the other boy will refuse to hear aloud, this is Charlie giving over another part of himself.
This is the two of them both beginning to realise what they're willing to give up.
"I never want to hurt you," Finn tells Charlie, words mumbled against his lips, "especially not like that."
"It doesn't matter what you want, I might just be part of the collateral damage."
The words are so similar to what Finn said to Matt earlier that he has to pull back to breathe. It appears the two of them are both as scared as each other about being hurt. Maybe they should spend less time worrying and more time kissing. Maybe they should spend less time wrapped in each other's arms and more time preparing for the inevitable end.
Maybe it doesn't matter what they do.
Maybe they're going to hurt each other no matter what.
Maybe theirs is the love story of an age. A tale of kisses and secrets and lies. A warning to all those who fall in love, that fire can only lead to you getting burnt.