Lost Boy - Chapter 12: Chapter 12

"Would you rather have legs as long as your fingers, or fingers as long as your legs?"
Charlie sighs and turns onto his side to look at Finn.
"Do you think of these questions in advance or is your mind just always wandering in weird directions."
"I asked first," Finn says teasingly.
Charlie sighs again, and moves in so that his body is pressed closer to Finn's. Their legs intertwined and Charlie's body half on top of the other boys, a duvet covering the both of them.
"I'd rather have fingers as long as my legs," Charlie says after a few brief moments of thought, "actually I don't know, if I had legs as long as my fingers I guess I could just use a wheelchair. This is a stupid question; it's not something I need to worry about making a decision about."
Finn presses a kiss to Charlie's lips to stop him from talking.
"Fine then," Finn sighs when he pulls away, "if that's not a decision you need to make, would you rather my dick the length of your baby toe or your baby toe the length of my dick."
"Is there any difference?"
Finn pulls away slightly and stares at Charlie open mouthed. There are times when Charlie is quiet, and then there are moments when Charlie just seems to be in an insulting mood.
"Wow, rude."
"Sorry babe."
Charlie moves so that he's straddling Finn's hips, leaning down to press a chaste kiss to the other boy's lips but Finn twists slightly.
"Don't babe me," Finn says in faux indignation, "that was really mean."
"I'm sorry," Charlie says, still smirking slightly.
"We both know what you said isn't true anyway."
"Do we? Maybe I need to be reminded."
Finn groans, his hips unconsciously straining upwards.
"You're a terrible person," he tells Charlie but the harshness of his words don't reach his tone, "you're such a tease."
"Would you prefer me to please instead?"
"Jesus Charlie," Finn groans, "what the hell's up with you."
Charlie ignores the questions and instead presses a whisper of a kiss to Finn's collarbone.
"I'm in a good mood," Charlie replies simply.
"You should be in a good mood more often."
Charlie laughs and presses his lips to Finn's skin once again, slowly kissing up his neck. Small kisses placed to his jaw line until Finn grows impatient and pulls Charlie closer.
"I think we should stay in bed all day," Finn mumbles against Charlie's lips.
"Do you now? What about food."
"We can get a pizza delivered."
"We'll still have to get up to answer the door idiot," Charlie points out.
"Fine then I'll starve to death."
Charlie shakes his head but presses his lips against Finn's once again anyway. Finn's hands fall to Charlie's hips to tug him closer and Charlie places his hands either side of Finn's head to prop him up.
It's strange how easy things are starting to become between the two of them. Nothing requires thought anymore, Charlie has stopped over thinking things, a part of his mind has forgotten about his father entirely, another part of his mind can't help but wonder what the best course of action is.
At the moment Charlie is trying to focus on the present without worrying about what might happen. Something which somehow seems to be becoming simultaneously easier and yet somehow more difficult.
"What you thinking about," Finn asks after a few minutes of silence, nudging Charlie's cheek with his forehead.
"Just thinking about stuff."
"Wow. So descriptive."
"Thanks babe," Charlie mumbles.
"Seriously," Finn says, "you've called me babe twice today, are you feeling okay?"
"I'm fine," Charlie says with a roll of his eyes, "god I'm not even allowed to say nice stuff to you anymore apparently."
"You're allowed to say nice stuff to me, but yesterday you gave me a twenty minute lecture on why the word babe was weird and we should never use it."
"I don't know, I kind of like calling you it."
"Does this mean I'm allowed to call you sunshine then?"
Charlie sighs.
"Yes you call me sunshine."
Finn beams and Charlie feels his pulse quicken a little bit. He tugs the other boy ever so slightly closer, bringing their bodies together once again.
"So sunshine," Finn says, "if you won't let me stay in bed all day, what's the plan for today?"
"Well babe," Charlie replies, pausing slightly, "I suppose we can lay in bed for a few minutes, then we can make some breakfast, then library?"
"And where does you sucking my dick fit into that?"
Rather than looking taken aback, Charlie cocks his head as if he's actually considering the question.
"Now?"
"Fuck Charlie don't tease."
Charlie's smile is wicked and Finn groans.
"You're such a goddamn tease," Finn complains, "honestly why do I put up with you?"
"Because I'm a brilliant kisser."
"Meh."
"Wow rude," Charlie says.
Finn responds by pressing their lips together, the two of them bathe in the luxuriousness of the kiss. It's one of those that feels like it could last forever, Charlie's fingers intertwined around Finn's neck.
"I don't know," Finn tells Charlie when he pulls away, "I guess that was decent."
"Can I have another go? See if I can change your mind."
"Fine."
Finn sighs as if Charlie is asking him for a massive favour but the grin on his face does not dim.
This one is more fiery, more passionate. Finn swears that empires could crumble and be rebuilt again with a kiss like that, that a whole kingdom could be brought to its knees. It feels like the pair of them are frozen in time but the world is keeping on spinning.
"Maybe we should stay in bed all day," Charlie whispers.
"See I knew you really thought it was a good idea."
"I guess you somehow managed to change my mind."
"I guess I'm just far too attractive for you to disagree," Finn says.
"Well I know it's definitely not that," Charlie teases, "you're not really my type."
"Next you'll be telling me that your type is people who don't have a dick."
"Well..."
"You know if we weren't both lying in bed half naked I'd accuse of you being so far in the closet that you might as well be Harry Potter lost in Narnia."
"God you're an idiot," Charlie sighs, but he presses another kiss to Finn's lips once again none the less.
Their legs tangle together until Charlie is straddling Finn's waist and the pair's bodies are pressed so close together that when Finn breathes he can feel their chests brush, can almost feel Charlie's heart beating against his skin. Finn imagines that heaven feels somewhat like this, like being lost and finding your home all at the same time.
"All day," Finn mutters under his breath, "I don't think you'd understand how much I'd like to do that."
"Judging by the hardness of your dick I'd say I've got a good idea."
"Shut up."
"Make me."
"Don't tease," Finn says, "especially not right now."
"I'm here to please."
Finn groans and Charlie smiles wickedly.
"You've said that a few times today already," Finn points out jokingly, "and yet I'm not feeling very pleased."
Charlie presses several chaste kisses to Finn's lips, meanwhile his fingers fumble with the buttons on the other boy's shirt. Hands tug at fabric until Finn sits shirtless as Charlie's mouth works a trail down his chest.
Finn writhes and begs but Charlie takes his time. Charlie is a tease, and Finn can't say he's entirely happy about that.
He can't say he minds either though.
xxx
A couple of hours later the pair are still lying in bed, bodies pressed against one another.
"You should use your mouth more often."
For that comment Finn receives a light slap.
"What?" Finn replies undeterred. "I'm just saying that my dick appreciated that."
"Shut up," Charlie mumbles, burying his head into the pillow.
"Nothing to be embarrassed about, in fact you seem to have quite a bit of natural talent, I'm impressed."
"I hate you."
"Nah you don't."
"I'm close," Charlie warns teasingly, "so any chance we can stop talking about this."
"I don't get you," Finn sighs, "you'll suck my dick but you won't talk about it afterwards."
"Let's call it post-coital embarrassment."
"That's not a thing."
"It is now."
"You're a weird one," Finn says, but affection leaks into his tone.
He presses a light kiss to Charlie's lips and the other boy moves in closer so that he's nestled in the crook of Finn's arm.
"Seriously though Charlie you did a good job, last time I mention it I promise."
Charlie rolls his eyes but his lips curve upwards into a small smile none the less.
"Can we sleep now?" He asks.
"I was actually thinking we should go grab so food."
"What happened to staying in bed all day?"
"What happened to you thinking that was a bad idea?" Finn asks in reply.
"I changed my mind," Charlie says.
"Tough," Finn tells Charlie, "I want lunch, preferably something greasy, and preferably something with chips."
"Go get it then."
Finn pouts.
"I want you to come with me."
Charlie rolls his eyes and turns over so that his back is to Finn.
"Tough I want to sleep," he mumbles.
Finn decides to take matters into his own hands. Charlie may not be willing to admit it but Finn knows he's ticklish, five seconds after Finn's fingers have come into contact with Charlie's skin and Charlie is quickly agreeing to going along with Finn to get breakfast.
"You have an unfair advantage," Charlie points out as the pair pull on clothes, "I have nothing like that to use against you."
"Believe me Charlie if you wanted to convince me to stay in bed all day it wouldn't take much, even elude to the idea you might give me a blowjob and I would literally refuse to leave that bed even if I hadn't eaten in days."
Charlie throws a shirt at Finn's head.
"Don't be overdramatic."
Finn simply laughs in response and pulls the shirt Charlie threw over his head.
"You ready?"
"Yeah."
The two of them head out into the cool morning. Finn regretting that all he is wearing is a t-shirt made of thin fabric cotton that is doing little to protect him from the bitter winds.
Luckily it doesn't take the two of them long to find somewhere to eat and they make their way into an American-style diner on the outskirts of the campus.
The pair slide into a booth and prop open their menus in front of them.
"Think you can find something to sate your hunger here?" Charlie asks teasingly.
"I think I might just be able to," Finn says, "I'm thinking a burger, probably with cheese somehow involved, definitely with fries. You?"
"Pancakes, maple syrup, bacon."
"Are you gonna be offended if I say that sounds like the most disgusting thing anyone has ever suggested?" Finn questions.
"Says the guy who likes cheese and jam sandwiches," Charlie points out.
"They're amazing, not that you'd know since you refused to try them."
"You like prawn crackers and chocolate sauce too, that's weird, and you dip McDonalds fries in the milkshake."
"Again, both amazing," Finn tells Charlie.
"Well then why do you think maple syrup and bacon sound so disgusting together?"
"It's not the combination I have a problem with, anything involving bacon is automatically disgusting."
"Are you sure you're human?"
"What?"
"How can you not like bacon?" Charlie asks. "I thought it was just something everyone liked, no something everyone loved. Except you know, vegetarians, but you're not a vegetarian."
"It's just not good," Finn replies, "it's not that weird that I don't like it."
"It's super weird."
Finn would argue back but at that moment the waitress arrives to take their order. And when she disappears the disagreement is forgotten and silence descends upon them. Part of Finn has more questions about their conversation from last night, but another part of him is aware that if he tries to revisit it Charlie won't be happy. Not that Finn can blame him, but he can't help his worry either.
And so Finn sits in silence and hopes that Charlie might bring it up, which he never will. And Charlie sits in silence and hopes that Finn has forgotten about everything that happened last night and the conversation will never surface again, which he never will.
This just means that the two of them sit in silence. Neither of them quite sure what to say.
When the food arrives Finn is almost surprised by the relief that washes over him. It gives him something to do, and it means that the silence that has suddenly descended upon him doesn't seem quite so obvious. Finn can't actually recall the last time that he and Charlie had nothing to talk about, conversation between the two of them has always seemed to occur so naturally. Finn can't think of anything he wouldn't want to talk about with Charlie, so silence never seems needed, nothing like this anyway.
Without even being here, without even talking to Charlie, Peter Martin has somehow managed to drive a wedge between them. It makes Finn realise how easy it would be for Peter Martin to ruin everything without really trying.
"What you thinking about?" Charlie asks.
Finn isn't sure if Charlie asks because his brow is furrowed, or because his mouth has curved into a frown. Either way Finn knows he can't exactly tell him the truth.
"You." Not an entire lie, not an entire truth.
"I don't know why I expected you to be thinking about anything else."
"Wow, conceited much?" Finn replies teasingly.
"Still, I mean I have a right to be considering you just admitted you were thinking about me," Charlie says, trying to prove some sort of point.
"I could have been thinking about how you're a massive dickhead."
"But you'd still be thinking about me, negative attention is still attention Finn," Charlie tells him jokingly.
"Remind me why I like you again?"
"If I knew the answer to that I wouldn't be so concerned about you meeting someone else and realising I'm an idiot."
Finn isn't sure how much Charlie is joking when he says that, he hopes completely. He hopes that there's no part of the other boy that feels that way. Finn can't promise Charlie forever, no one really can, but he can promise Charlie that right now nobody else is coming anywhere close. Charlie seems to have created some sort of league of his own.
"You don't have to worry about that," Finn says, his tone surprisingly solemn.
It's the closest the two of them have got to talking about a future in a long time. Neither of them particularly want to bring the topic up, Charlie doesn't want to promise a future he's still too scared to admit he really wants and Finn doesn't want to push Charlie into anything. Thinking of the future scares Finn anyway, there's too many unknowns, neither of them can ensure they'll keep their promises, neither of them knows what might change.
So the present seems much safer than the future right now, not that either of them is quite sure what to do with that either.
They're a fractured mess and Finn is beginning to worry that this relationship, or whatever it is, won't be enough to hold them together for much longer. Especially when it appears as if there are so many parts of his life that Charlie still wants to keep cordoned off, Finn doesn't want to let go of Charlie, not at all, but right now it feels like the two of them are dealing with too many problems, are far too out of their depth.
"Something's up," Charlie says, "spill."
Finn's not sure how to confess that he's worried about their seemingly inevitable end. And he's not sure how to explain to Charlie that's he not sure who's going to get more hurt in the aftermath. Finn knows that only Charlie knows enough of him to break his heart, knows that it looks like it's him that's going to be destroyed. But that doesn't stop him from worrying that he's going to end up hurting Charlie, that somehow Finn will find a way to fuck this all up.
To Finn, Charlie is perfect. He would never hurt anyone on purpose, would never break anyone's heart. Finn really does not want to break him.
"I'm just thinking."
"About?" Charlie prompts.
"Us," Finn admits.
"Should I be concerned?" Charlie asks, somewhat teasingly. "Is this the part where you break up with me?"
"No." Not yet.
"Well then it can't be that important."
"Do you think this was a good idea?" Finn asks.
"This?"
"This. Us. Me and you."
"Don't you?" Charlie replies, now sounding hurt.
"Of course I think it was a good idea, I guess I'm just worried you regret it."
"I don't. I mean I get if you do, you're giving up a lot more than you're receiving so if you don't wanna do this anymore then I understand."
"Hey, hey, hey! Don't make it sound like I ever said something like that."
"I'm just saying."
"Do you want me to leave?"
"No, of course I don't. I guess I just can't see why you're bothering to stay."
"Maybe because I actually like you," Finn says slowly, "I'm not just gonna leave you Charlie, my sole intention isn't to come into your life and fuck you over. I don't just leave, I don't just walk away from things like this."
"This?" Charlie asks, echoing his earlier words.
"This."
Silence settles like a layer of dust and Finn just wants to shake it off. He's not sure what's happening between them but suddenly everything feels like it's tilting a little bit and he feels like he's losing balance. He's grasping onto whatever Charlie will give him, is finding him investing more and more of his heart in something neither of them can either define.
Finn doesn't want to walk away from this and Charlie doesn't want to give up on this but there seems to be far too many what ifs? It seems that as soon as they find a solution another problem appears. And maybe it's finally starting to take its toll. Maybe all these tense silences and passive aggressive conversations are only going to get worse, maybe falling out of love is simply a process where hate slowly replaces love. Not hatred of a person, but hatred of that way they laugh that used to be so cute, hatred of the way they act that used to be so endearing. It's turning your favourite things about them into flaws.
Maybe Finn and Charlie are going to become the very thing that Finn has tried for so long to avoid. A broken mess of boys and kisses and secrets, the ruins of a thousand whispered conversations and a lot of lost 'I love you's.
Maybe Finn doesn't care anymore. He's starting to think he'd burn down cities for Charlie, would watch empires turn to embers just to love the other boy. No matter how long that love might last.
It's breathtaking really, the ferocity with which Finn realises this. That somewhere along the way - between the kissing and the touching and the laughing at three am – Finn's heart has become possessed by something alien, something that surely belongs to Charlie.
And Finn's fear of people leaving is stronger than ever, because he knows it has to happen eventually, the paradise they've managed to build themselves already seems to be showing its cracks. The worst thing is that Finn knows he'll be powerless to stop Charlie from going, that he'll happily hand Charlie his heart and watch him break it with a smile on his face because love is potent and crazy and hurts so damn much and it's making Finn forget everything he's ever believed in. He doesn't care if Charlie leaves or if Charlie hurts him, he's stopped trying to protect his heart and now it's laid bare for Charlie to see.
"I don't know what I'd do without you," Finn admits, sagging forwards in his seat slightly.
The words themselves are hardly any sort of grand declaration; they're hardly poetry or anything that will go down in the history books. But from Finn they might as well be. After his parents' death Finn slowly learnt to depend on no one but himself, he didn't want or need them. And sure he wants Charlie, that much is easy to see, but admitting that he needs him is something else entirely, and it's not easy. Finn isn't used to needing anything more than oxygen.
"Probably do a lot more studying," Charlie replies, a half smile on his face.
Finn mirrors his expression but he can feel every wall he's built crumbling away. Each layer, each facade he's adopted slowly peeling away like skin until there's nothing left for him to hide behind. He's just Finn, whatever that four letter word means.
"I kinda need you," Finn says simply, and the words seem even harder to say aloud. Like acid but with a sweet aftertaste.
If Charlie notices that anything about Finn has changed he doesn't mention it, he simply smiles, and leans across the table to place his hands in Finn's.
"I kinda need you too."
God, Finn hopes those words are true. Hopes with every single drop of blood in his bones and with every cell in his somehow still beating heart.
The two share a smile that could stop hearts and start wars.
Words form on the tip of Charlie's tongue before dissolving like sherbet. I could love you.
They're bitter and sweet all at once, like sour candy on his taste buds. Charlie can imagine falling in love with Finn all so easily, thinks the process might already have started – somewhere between come dance and I need you – and god it's so nice, and feels so easy and Charlie just wants to fall the way gravity keeps telling him to. But Charlie can imagine it all, without the rose tinted glasses, can imagine the shouting and the crying and the 'no son of mine's.
He knows he needs to make a choice, and he knows which one will make him happier. But he also knows that breaking a heart might be easier than telling his Father no. Knows that he will put himself through a thousand hells if it means his father never has a reason to be mad at Finn, never has a reason to try to hurt him.
But Charlie is sick of swinging between the two like a human pendulum and he knows it's not fair, on him or on Finn. He needs to make a choice and he needs to make it soon.
On the table Charlie's phone begins to vibrate. Both of them can clearly see the name displayed in block capitals on the screen and Finn looks at Charlie with his eyebrows arched. A silent question.
He needs to make a choice.
Charlie is still trying to figure out the answer.
His fingers reach towards the phone before freezing in mid-air.
He needs to make a choice.
Somewhere in the back of his mind Charlie knows exactly what he should do, but the idea seems just out of reach, as if it's doing its best to elude Charlie's brain.
Charlie's fingers tremble ever so slightly, Finn tries not to notice.
He needs to make a choice.
It has been suggested that, on a daily basis, the human brain makes roughly 35,000 remotely conscious decisions, some of which are arguable more important than others. In his 2011 novel, Thinking Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman details two different modes of thought, 'System 1' is fast, instinctive and emotional whereas 'System 2' is slower and more logical.
The question is will Charlie follow his instinct or his logic?
He needs to make a choice.
The phone is in his hand and he's pressing buttons and Charlie is only dimly aware of all of this.
He sees it all in snippets.
His Father's name on the screen. Finn's furrowed brow. His own finger pressing the green button. The way Finn's lips part when he realises what Charlie has done. His own voice mumbling hello.
"I need you to come home this weekend."
Today seems to be the day for 'I need's and 'I want's. What does Charlie need? What does Charlie want? Can those two possibly ever be the same thing?
"Why?"
"I miss you," there's a lilt to Peter Martin's voice that Charlie can't quite place.
He wants to believe the words, wants to hold onto the hope he's had ever since he was small that maybe one day things would change, that everything would stop and go back to the way it was. That Peter Martin would find the path to redemption, that Charlie's life could just be easy.
Maybe that's the thing about growing up, you begin to realise that all those hopes you had as a child were just foolish wishes that even shooting stars couldn't make come true.
"I'm not sure I can make it this weekend."
Not a complete lie, it's Thursday, and it's not like it's just a five minute walk down the road back home. These sort of things take time and planning and Charlie needs to somehow work up the courage to see his Father again.
"Please Charlie, I'd really like to see you soon, please come this weekend."
He needs to make a choice.
"Fine," he sighs, "I'll come back this weekend."
He watches as Finn's mouth parts slightly in shock, his eyes trained on Charlie as if he's trying to see straight through him, is trying to understand.
"Really?"
"Yeah. I'll get the train down Saturday morning."
"Good," his Father actually sounds surprised, "I'll see you then."
"I gotta go, I've got a lecture in a few minutes."
"Oh. Bye."
Charlie ends the call without saying anything else and waits for Finn to speak. Waits for the questions that he knows are bound to come. After yesterday Charlie can hardly justify going home, can hardly explain why he wants to.
"You're going home?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"I don't know Finn," Charlie admits, "I just think I need to."
"After everything he's done?"
"I need to see him again."
And that's true. Charlie is sick of running from the memory of back home. Knows he can never be the person he so desperately wants to be while he's still so afraid, knows that he can't live this double life for much longer.
He needs to make a choice.
There's always the possibility that Charlie will go home, come back and realise that breaking Finn's heart is the kindest thing he can possibly do. Or he could tell his Dad everything and Finn and he could start planning a happily ever after. Charlie just knows he needs to decide.
Because if there's one thing that's certain, it's that Charlie can't keep living like this. Not anymore.