Lost Boy - Chapter 15: Chapter 15

AT AGE SEVENTEEN Charlie Martin still can't forgive himself for what he's done. His sleep is haunted by memories of Daniel's face and he's still trying to find a way to punish himself for what he's done. The bruises have long since faded, Charlie's guilt still lingers. He still thinks of Finn sometimes, mainly to praise some higher being from stopping him from hurting Finn too.
AT AGE SEVENTEEN Daniel Evans is caught in the free fall once more. He swore he was never going to let someone take his heart quite like that again, at least not someone who wasn't certain what he wanted. But then Jonah Clarke came around and somehow managed to help Daniel forget all about the demons from his past.
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It's late February, a year ago. Charlie's sat in his bedroom all alone.
Charlie can't take this anymore. It's three in the morning and he's lying awake unable to sleep.
It's been over a year and he still can't fucking sleep.
Somehow, still, every time Charlie closes his eyes all he can picture is Daniel's heartbroken face. And all Charlie can think about is that he doesn't deserve to sleep. He deserves pain and misfortune and heartbreak of the most torturous kind.
And so he lies awake and stares at the glow in the dark stegosaurus above his head.
He deserves this. This lack of sleep and lack of appetite and constant headache. He deserves every bit of bad luck and bad news that comes his way.
He didn't deserve Daniel. He didn't deserve Finn. He doesn't deserve anyone.
He deserves his Father and his sharp words and his punches.
Charlie's phone vibrates on his bedside table, lighting up so that Charlie can see his entire room and so that he's forced to shield his eyes from the sudden light.
Who the hell texts at three o'clock in the morning?
Unknown: You're a dick. I hope you know that. I also hope you know that even though you did your best to ruin my life that it doesn't even fucking matter anymore because people like you are never going to change, and eventually people are going to realise what a vile person you are, and in the end people like me are going to get every fucking thing they deserve and more
Panic rises along with bile in Charlie's throat and he's not sure if he's going to throw up or scream, possibly both, possibly at the same time.
Because surely there's only one person this could be, and suddenly images of Daniel are flashing through Charlie's mind like a fucking stop-start animation in his head. And Charlie can feel every wall he's built up crumbling away all thanks to a single text.
And nothing it says surprises him, it's everything he deserves to hear. But there was a part of him that hoped maybe Daniel had forgiven him during their period of not talking.
And now that hope is dashed. No it's been ripped to shreds.
Maybe this is a wrong number kind of situation and Charlie is just panicking for no apparent reason and he knows this new hope is definitely foolish but he can't help but cling onto it because everything might be just a little bit better if he doesn't know for certain that Daniel hates him.
And Charlie has no idea how to reply and so he does the only thing he can think of.
Charlie: Sorry, who is this?
Charlie doesn't sleep at all that night as he waits up, expecting the person to reply.
He lies in his bed and imagines a thousand different scenarios. Imagines how pissed Daniel might be that Charlie is asking who it is or the fact that Charlie could be worrying over nothing, he doesn't know that it's Daniel after all.
And Charlie can't help but think that it doesn't exactly seem like Daniel, it's too blunt and to the point. It's almost too out of the blue as well, Charlie can't imagine the Daniel he knows wanting to suddenly dredge up the past again. Not that he knows Daniel anymore, sure, it's only been a year but a lot between the two of them has changed.
The Daniel that Charlie used to know has had his heart shredded. The Charlie that Daniel used to know has finally realised what a poor excuse for a human being he is.
He tosses and turns all night and when his alarm goes off at seven o'clock the next morning Charlie turns it off bleary eyed and thinks to the day ahead, dreading functioning on no sleep. If it carries on like this he knows his teachers are going to start asking questions.
And how can he explain this?
Oh, don't worry about me I'm just currently a bit of an insomniac because I fucked over an innocent boy and now I know I don't even deserve sleep, but I'm sure I'll be fine.
Yeah. He's sure that will go over just great.
---
It takes a couple of days for Charlie to finally work up the courage to text Daniel.
He's been thinking about it ever since Daniel texted him, the fact that it's probably about time the two of them spoke again. If only so Charlie could apologise (although he's still not sure entirely how he's going to explain it all, blaming his Dad just seems stupid and cowardly and Charlie doesn't want Daniel to think of him like that) and maybe at least one of them could move on (hopefully Daniel, he's the one who deserves to move on).
But Charlie knows he needs to face up to his past too. He's sick of the sleepless nights and throwing up just at the word Daniel. And he knows he doesn't deserve to move on, but right now he thinks he kind of needs it. And maybe that's a selfish need but the least he can do is apologise and maybe, hopefully, that might ease his conscience a little bit and Daniel will never have to deal with him ever again.
He thinks about it all day at school, until he's actually given a detention for lack of concentration (a detention, Charlie's Father is going to kill him). But he can't help himself, he keeps on trying to weigh up the pros and cons.
Pros. Daniel might stop hating him. Charlie might feel slightly better, and at least might be able to kinda make up for what he's done. Kinda.
Cons. Daniel might end up hating him more at the end of it all. Charlie has no idea what he actually wants to say, just that he wants to say something. He can't exactly tell Daniel about his Father.
To most people that would seem like the easiest thing to do, tell the truth, tell Daniel about his Father's threats and about how he was trying to hurt Daniel as little as possible and he didn't mean for it to go that big and how he wishes he'd just told Daniel the truth when it happened. But he knows what would happen if said all that, Daniel would fix him with a pointed stare and ask him if he was done making excuses yet. He'd just be looked at as the boy who cried abuse.
Charlie has learnt that people tend to not believe you if you tell them your dad hits you. He tried it with a friend of his six years ago who told him that every parent spanked their child when they were growing up to discipline them. And then his 'girlfriend' five years ago who told him not to joke about stuff like that because didn't he know it actually happened to people and he shouldn't try to create his own sob story.
People know that it happens, they don't want to believe that it happens in the house down the street from them.
And Peter Martin, despite his largely intoxicated state, has done his best to hide what happens in the Martin household. When he goes out he's usually sober, perhaps a shot or two to stop him from shaking, but he's presentable enough, a smile on his face, your friendly neighbour. And he never goes for above the neck, and tries to avoid anything that can't be covered by long sleeves. And any time a neighbour questions the shouting and the crashes he tells them simply that Charlie was just being a usual teenage boy and that someone had knocked something over.
Even last year, after Daniel, when Charlie's ribs were broken, everyone thought he'd just fallen down the stairs. Stupid, stupid, Charlie, it's all your own fault.
But a part of Charlie knows that his Father is the only family he has left now that Matt has gone. And part of him doesn't want to risk Daniel believing him, just in case he insists on getting other people involved. People who might take Charlie away, Charlie doesn't think he can just walk out on his Father without there being any consequences.
None of this is that important though – or at least none of this isn't something that can't be sorted out at another point – and so when he gets home from school Charlie sits on his bed with his phone in his hands.
Charlie: Hey
He deletes that one before he sends it, it's too casual and friendly, Daniel would definitely ignore it, he'd have no reason to reply.
Charlie: Hey, can we talk? I just want to apologise
It's not the best but he feels like he's getting somewhere, he deletes it anyway though.
Charlie: Hi, it's Charlie. I know we haven't spoken in a while but I really feel like I need to apologise for everything that happened last year. You deserve some sort of explanation. Can we meet up?
He sends it and then holds his breath.
And waits. And waits. And waits.
A few hours later and Daniel still hasn't replied. Charlie resigns himself to the fact that Daniel is never going to, that it was a stupid idea and of course Daniel doesn't want to see him again, when Charlie thinks about what he did he can hardly blame him.
That doesn't stop Charlie from hoping that it's Daniel ever time his phone vibrates over the next few days. To the point where his heart is in his mouth and his palms are sweating as soon as he hears a phone go off, even if he's not sure if it's his (sometimes even if he knows it's not his).
Great. Now phones freak Charlie out too.
But a couple of days later his reaction is warranted. Because when he looks at his phone, Daniel's name is clearly displayed on the screen. And suddenly Charlie's step falters and he just knows that today he's going to end up being late to school.
Daniel: Uhm, sure
of Charlie feels like he shouldn't reply straight away, should wait and figure out what he really wants to say. But the other part of him figures that if he replies quickly at least he'll look like he's truly serious about the two of them meeting up. Maybe? Charlie really doesn't know, it's hardly like he's done this before.
Charlie: When do you wanna meet up?
Maybe it's too forward but Charlie wants to let Daniel be in control from this point on, Charlie figures Daniel should decide the when and the where of it all, Charlie wants to inconvenience him as little as possible
Daniel: This Saturday, about eleven?
Charlie: Sounds good :) Where do you fancy?
Charlie regrets the smiley face as soon as he sends it. Given the circumstances it definitely wasn't the best option and all Charlie wants to do is curse himself for being such an idiot. (And then apologise to Daniel for the smiley face but that bit seems a little bit weird).
Daniel: Idk
Charlie: How about that cupcake shop on the corner near school, that one we used to go to all the time
Daniel: Sounds good, see you then
Charlie: Can't wait
Charlie is such a fucking idiot. He shouldn't be allowed a phone, or to leave the house, or just to interact with other humans in general really.
---
Charlie's not sure that he's actually breathing right now as he waits for Daniel to walk through the shop door. Daniel's running late but Charlie doesn't care, it's giving him more time to try to figure out what he's going to say – he still has no idea, just vague fragments that might be possibilities.
Or might be the stupidest thing he can possibly say, we'll see.
When Daniel walks in everything that Charlie had kinda planned evaporates out of his mind leaving him with only some mild panic and a single thought telling him that he doesn't deserve this chance to say sorry.
He tries to offer Daniel a smile, a way of seeming less like a dick and more like the friend he used to be. Daniel doesn't return it though and Charlie doesn't blame him, the smile feels all wrong anyway, like he's trying too hard to pretend to be someone he's not. (Someone worth being in Daniel's life).
"Hey," Charlie says after a few beats of silence which already seem to be dragging on too long.
He somehow manages to stop his voice from waving, manages to make it seem like he's actually got his shit together, manages to disguise the fact that on the inside he is falling apart.
Sometimes Charlie's not sure he's a real boy anymore.
Not much about Daniel has changed, his hair colour has – of course – but other than that he's much the same boy Charlie remembers. Maybe darker bags under his eyes, and a frown etched on his face rather than the smile Charlie is used to but Charlie still feels like he knows him despite all the time that has passed and all the things that have changed between them.
"Hi," Daniel replies, sounding less than thrilled to be here.
Charlie can't blame him and hates himself for bringing up the past again and forcing Daniel to be here and for refusing to let things like this go.
More silence. Charlie has no idea how to fill it. It's a void he doesn't know how to bridge.
So he studies Daniel as covertly as he can. Charlie can't say when he looks at Daniel that he wants him in any way more than a friend, and he thinks it might have always been that way, Charlie's never really got over Finn, any boy now might as well be competing with a god Charlie thinks, he can't imagine anyone ever measuring up to Finn.
His thoughts are straying and he needs to fill the gap so he says the first thing that comes to mind.
"You okay?"
Stupid, stupid Charlie.
Daniel can't meet his eye and Charlie hates this. At the moment this meeting is acting as nothing more than a reminder of how much things have shifted between them. How majorly Charlie managed to screw things up.
"Well you know nobody's pretended to be gay and then screwed me over recently so y'know, I'm pretty good."
Charlie has to look down so that Daniel can't see him blink away tears. He doesn't blame Daniel for feeling this way, for hating him, he just wishes that it wasn't like this. That he'd just told his Father to fuck off, but he can't, it's not that easy. And Charlie is sick of people thinking it is.
So Charlie clears his throat awkwardly and tries to move conversation along.
"That's... uhm, good then I guess."
Another silence, another opportunity for Charlie's brain to curse his heart for caring and to curse past him for fucking up so badly.
"I'll go grab us something," Charlie says, and hopes to god that Daniel can't tell that a sob is rising in his throat.
Charlie hates himself.
Daniel looks as if he's about to tell Charlie what he wants, but Charlie cuts him off, as if Daniel could think that he'd forget.
"Relax Dan, I know what you want."
Charlie instantly regrets his use of the nickname Dan, it's hardly like they're friends anymore, it's hardly like Charlie has any right to use the nickname. But Daniel doesn't call him out on it; instead he just offers him a weary attempt at a smile before turning his attention to his phone.
The queue moves fairly quickly and gives Charlie some time to collect his thoughts and try to soothe his emotions. He cannot cry, Daniel won't appreciate it, he'll just think Charlie is looking for pity.
Charlie doesn't want pity. He wants forgiveness.
He doesn't deserve either.
When he returns to the table Charlie places a cupcake in front of Daniel just as Daniel slides his phone back into his pocket.
"One triple chocolate brownie cupcake," Charlie announces.
"And let me guess, one banoffee muffin with toffee butter icing?"
"You know me so well."
Stupid, stupid, Charlie.
Daniel refuses to meet his gaze after that.
"Why did you ask me to meet up?" Daniel asks after a moment or two.
Charlie places his cupcake back on the table, unsure of how exactly to answer this question. The obvious one would be to apologise but that doesn't seem entirely sure, part of the reason it entirely selfish. Charlie wants to be able to sleep slightly better at night.
"It's complicated."
"I think I deserve a better answer than that."
And that much is true. Daniel deserves fairytale romances and boys who sweep him off his feet. He deserves true love and the kind of rush that comes with falling in love with a boy who knows you better than you know yourself. He doesn't deserve what Charlie did. Charlie, a broken mess of a lost boy.
"It started when you texted me about what a dick I was."
"It actually wasn't me who sent that," Daniel replies, some sheepishness in his tone.
Charlie's interest is instantly piqued but he also knows that he has no right to pry anymore so he doesn't question that.
He simply mulls his words over, but his brain and his heart and his mouth don't seem to be cooperating today.
"Well this is going to make me sound like the biggest dickhead ever -" Charlie is pretty sure he's never used the phrase dickhead in his life before, "- but I had no idea who you were. I've done some pretty shitty things in my life, I mean nothing anywhere near as bad as I did to you, but I guess there are a few people who aren't exactly my fans and I couldn't place your name for a moment." Not true, Daniel was the first name on Charlie's lips, the only name on Charlie's lips. "And then I realised it was true, that I was a dick and I guess I just wanted to meet up with you to tell you that I know now what a dick I was."
Stupid, stupid, Charlie.
Every word is a bitter lie in his mouth and he doesn't know why he's saying it. He knows it's not true and he knows it's not what Daniel wants to hear but he can't stop the words from coming. Charlie's known all along how terrible what he did to Daniel was, there was no denying it or running from it and this isn't the reason he's decided to meet up at all.
And Charlie wants to tell the truth so bad but he can't. He's spent so long perfecting a conversational filter, one that allowed him to keep his home life a secret. And he's spent so long searching for only long sleeved shirts in clothes stores and trying to keep himself cool in them during the hottest part of the summer. And Charlie has just spent so long keeping everything with his Dad a secret that it doesn't seem like he can tell anyone anymore. This isn't something small that he can expect them to accept without consequence.
They say a problem shared is a problem halved. This isn't a problem that Charlie wants anyone else to have to deal with.
And so he lies. Again. With an attempt at a friendly smile painted on his face like the perfect disguise.
"That's it?"
"What do you mean?"
"You asked me to meet up so you could tell me you acted like a dick towards me?" Daniel asks disbelievingly. "Charlie I didn't need you to confirm that for me. I've known that since it happened, believe it or not I form opinions of you without needing to run them by you."
And Daniel sounds so bitter and every word he says is as sharp as a knife and is cutting away at Charlie's skin until he's nothing more than a boy of bones. And Charlie doesn't blame him can't blame him, because none of this is Daniel's fault and it's all Charlie's fault because he can't stop lying and he doesn't know how to make everything okay again. He can't tell the truth and he doesn't want to lie but he can't just keep silent either.
This was a stupid idea and Charlie curses himself for ever thinking this could be a good idea and for ever thinking that Daniel could forgive him.
He doesn't deserve forgiveness.
"I don't feel like I'm phrasing this properly," Charlie says.
He's grasping at straws and a chance for redemption. He's drowning and reaching out for the chance of a lifeboat.
"Well try again then."
Daniel has no time for Charlie and his words, Charlie realises.
"I know I can't make that shit up to you, what I did was fucking awful." Maybe the truest thing Charlie has said all this time, "But I'm just saying that if I could make it up to you then I fucking would."
Charlie doesn't know why he's swearing because it's just making him sound angry. But he's not, he's panicking and his brain can think of nothing to do than shower his sentences with expletives.
"Good to know."
"Look Daniel what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry," Charlie gasps.
And he can feel the tears burning at the back of his throat and the back of his eyes again and he cannot, will not, cry in front of Daniel because he doesn't deserve that.
Silence descends once again and although Charlie is managing to outwardly look calm inside he can feel it becoming harder to take a breath. Inhale. Exhale. Two simple instructions that seem to be becoming increasingly hard to follow.
"Thank you for your apology," Daniel says after a while, "I don't accept it, but thank you."
And all Charlie can do is stare at Daniel in surprise because this is more than he ever thought he'd get. It doesn't matter that Daniel didn't accept the apology – who honestly ever thought he would – but he's thanking Charlie for it, and not getting mad and suddenly breathing is the tiniest bit easier.
"Okay," Charlie says, at a loss for what else to say, "fair enough, I, uhm, suppose."
Silence once again.
And then neither of them wants to be the first to leave, so they're forced to battle through awkward small talk.
"You still run?"Daniel asks.
Charlie used to run every morning before school, now he runs every night he can't sleep because he can't stop thinking of Daniel's face. He doesn't say that though.
"Yeah." A pause. "You still play video games?"
"Of course."
"And I can see you're still dying your hair."
"I actually haven't in a while, the red's starting to fade so I'm due a change."
"What are you changing to?"
"Blue, I think," Daniel says.
"How come?"
"Someone told me it'd bring out the colour of my eyes."
Charlie notices the way that Daniel blushes then and hopes that this means he's found someone new, someone who can actually make him happy.
"New boyfriend?" Charlie asks, his tone strangely hopeful.
"Friend. Well, sort of... I don't really know anymore."
"Sounds complicated."
"My life never seems to be anything else."
"So this 'friend'... am I allowed to know more?"
"There's not much to tell," Daniel replies, but Charlie can tell that's not quite true.
"I've got a feeling that's not quite the case," Charlie is somehow brave enough to say.
"And why should I tell you? I mean you don't seem to be a great role model for successful friendships, you called me a friend once after all."
Tiny little knives carving away at Charlie's skin.
"I deserved that." He does, he deserves every bit of pain he gets. "Just thought you might like an outside opinion."
"I think I'm fine."
"Okay."
Daniel sighs and it seems to somehow dispel some of the tension that's suddenly built up.
"His name's Jonah, I thought he was gay and so I asked him out."
"Good to know I didn't ruin your ability to do that completely then."
Charlie attempts a joke. The attempt falls flat.
Stupid, stupid, Charlie.
"Well at least third time's a charm," Charlie attempts to carry on.
"What?"
"Well you asked me out, and then you asked out Jonah, and both of us have turned out not to be gay - " Lie, lie, lie. "- so the next guy actually should be."
"I'm not sure it works like that."
"Maybe not."
More silence. Charlie feels a need to fill it.
"Thanks for meeting up with me today, if it was me I probably would have said no."
"I almost did," Daniel admits, "then I realised if I didn't do it now then I was never going to do it."
"Would that have been a bad thing?"
"I didn't want to spend the rest of my life being scared of you."
"You were scared of me?"
"Not of you specifically, more of everything you seemed to represent."
Charlie is struggling to breathe again. Because he'd pretty much come to terms with the idea of Daniel hating him, but Daniel being scared of him? Charlie can't bear to think about that.
Daniel carries on, unaware of Charlie's internal meltdown.
"You made me think that nobody could ever love me for me, made me think I was stupid, worthless, ugly. You practically told me I was all those things. In my mind you represent the entire population, and guess what, they all think that too. I guess I'm scared of everybody thinking that about me, and after you said it to my face, it all seemed a little bit more true."
And Charlie wants to scream. Wants to tell Daniel that he's one of the bravest people Charlie's ever met. That he's one of the cutest, and the kindest, and the sweetest and that Charlie wants to go back and do it all again and never stop being his friend.
But what Charlie wants and deserves are two entirely different things.
"Look Daniel, I didn't mean those things." Charlie attempts to make things a little bit more right, even though he knows it's never going to be enough. "I was young and stupid."
Charlie wasn't young, or stupid. He was weak and terrified and unable to stand up to his own father. He's not sure which one's worse. But he can't tell Daniel that he was afraid, and so he tells Daniel that he's stupid, which is pretty stupid of him within itself.
"Being young has nothing to do with it."
"I was sixteen, I didn't know better."
Daniel was one of the best things to ever enter Charlie's life. The only better he knew was Finn.
"That's the shittiest excuse I've ever heard." Daniel says angrily, and Charlie doesn't know how to fix this new mess he's made. "Surely you knew better than to make someone feel like absolute shit? Than to make someone feel absolutely worthless to the point where they think no one will ever care about them? You knew how I felt, you knew about how Marcus made me feel and yet you're telling me that there was no part of you that felt bad or thought it was wrong what you were doing to me?"
Charlie wasn't doing anything. But Daniel will never believe him if he says that. And all of him knew the video was wrong, no part of him wanted to do it. But Charlie's choices were limited, and he was too weak to make the right one.
But Charlie can't tell Daniel any of this; he's just got to let Daniel hate him.
"Like I said," Charlie nearly chokes on the word because he knows how bad they sound, "I was stupid."
"Fuck you Charlie Martin," Daniel seethes, "fuck your apology. Young and stupid is the kind of excuse cowards use who can't admit they were wrong all along."
With that Daniel is out of the door, leaving a half eaten cupcake on the table.
And Charlie watches him go, because he knows he doesn't deserve him.
Charlie let's him go, because he knows if he chases after him he's only going to make things worse.
Charlie waits at the table because he's not sure what he's got left to move for.
All he can do is curse himself for thinking that Daniel deserved anything less than the truth all along.
Stupid, stupid, Charlie.