Lost Boy - Chapter 17: Chapter 17

It's Sunday Evening and Charlie is yet to leave his bed.
He hasn't eaten, he hasn't spoken to anyone; he's just laid there, cocooned in his duvet, typing out thousands of texts to Finn that he can't work up the courage to send.
All in all the day has been a lot more productive than Charlie thought it might be.
Charlie: Please Finn, I'm sorry
Charlie: I can explain
Charlie: Please just let me explain
Charlie: Please Finn, just please talk to me
They're all texts that Charlie knows he's never going to send.
There's a knock on the door but the person doesn't wait for Charlie to reply before opening it and stepping into the room.
"Well you're a sight for sore eyes," Eliza announces as she gives Charlie a quick once over.
Charlie doesn't bother to reply, simply burrows deeper into his duvet so that only his hair and eyes are peeking out of the top.
Eliza raises a single eyebrow.
"Seriously? You're just going to sit here and wallow because Finn isn't talking to you? I mean I knew you were whipped but now you just look kinda desperate."
Charlie frowns.
"You know about that?"
Charlie's voice is muffled by the duvet but he knows Eliza has heard him none the less.
"Of course I do. I'm his best friend, except maybe you but I'm gonna claim that we're tied, and actually apparently your brother too but I'll let that slide, so yes, I'm his best friend, of course he told me."
"All of it?"
"All of it."
"Why are you here then?"
"Because you're my friend too," Eliza says, as if it's obvious and Charlie is the biggest idiot on the planet (which he supposes, could be argued), "and while I get why Finn is pissed off, I am not. Mainly because I've seen the way you look at him and you can't fake that. And whilst I think you were a dick, that's in the past, and I'm sure you had your reasons, and even if you didn't, you're a changed person. Too many people refuse to give out second chances and then wonder why people don't bother to change."
"So you're giving me a second chance."
"Exactly. Hi, I'm Eliza, nice to meet you."
"Charlie."
"Now while this has been a lovely first meeting I'm afraid I can't become friends with you if you're going to spend the rest of your life wrapped up like a burrito. Because I have certain levels of hygiene that I like my friends to meet and at the moment it doesn't look like you're gonna do it. So I'd appreciate it if you could get out of bed and get your life together."
"Get my life together." Charlie repeats slowly
"Yep," Eliza replies as if it's oh so simple, "usually I find that having a shower is a good start."
"O-okay."
"Great! So you get a shower and put on some clothes – proper clothes, not pyjamas. And I'll go wait outside and then we can grab something to eat and figure out the plan of action."
"Plan of action?"
"For how you're going to get Finn back."
"How I'm going to get Finn back?"
Eliza sighs, sounding exasperated after only a few minutes in Charlie's presence.
"Yeah, you know, the boy you love. Seeing the two of you mope about like heartbroken fools isn't fun so I'm getting the two of you back together."
"I don't think - ."
"I don't care what you think. Shut up and shower."
Arguing seems pointless, and in all honesty the company might be kind of nice. He supposes Eliza has a point, he can't wallow forever – he has a lecture tomorrow at nine anyway – and so maybe he should get out. And maybe Eliza can put a good word in for him with Finn and maybe she can tell him how Finn's dealing with this whole 'breakup'. Although if Finn's coping by sleeping around, Charlie's not sure he wants to know.
Stepping outside Eliza looks him over once again, presumably analysing whether his outfit counts as 'proper clothes'.
"You'll do," she says simply, "now come on. Food."
She takes him to the American style diner that he and Finn went to a few mornings ago and it takes everything in Charlie to stop himself from refusing to step inside. He knows it's stupid, he knows that he can't just avoid every place Finn and he ever went to together. But it's only been a day and it all feels a bit too soon.
From the smirk on Eliza's face Charlie feels like that's the point.
He's supposed to be moving forward and Eliza is trying to push him in the right direction. He can't decide whether to hate the girl of be thankful, so he steps inside the diner instead.
The two say nothing as they wait for the waitress to arrive. Eliza seems to be immersed in reading the menu and Charlie's lost in his own thoughts, because he knows he shouldn't but he can't help but think of Finn.
It's difficult not to sit here and think about the fact that last time Finn was by his side. And to think about the fact that he can come here as many times as he likes in the future, but Finn will probably never be by his side again.
And these thoughts might not quite be as positive as Eliza wants his thoughts to be. But Charlie feels like he's lost in his heartbreak and right now he has no idea how to get out again. It's like Eliza's offering him a map to find his way but it's written in a language he can't understand, either that or it's not of the area he's currently stuck in.
"Stop wallowing," Eliza tells him.
It's half a warning, half a reminder. And when Charlie looks into her eyes he can see some pity there as if she knows how much he's hurting, as if she's been through this whole thing before herself.
Charlie supposes you wouldn't want someone to guide you out of an area they'd never visited before.
"You need to call him," Eliza says.
"He doesn't want to listen to me."
"Then leave him a voicemail, leave him a thousand voicemails. You gotta show him you're missing him, that this didn't mean nothing to you, that you're sorry."
"And what's gonna stop him from deleting any message I leave without listening to it."
"Nothing's stopping him," Eliza admits, "but at least you're doing something to try to get him back, rather than just laying in your bed, listening to 19 by Adele and crying into your pillow."
"I wasn't listening to 19."
"Who then? 21 by Adele? 25 by Adele? Don't tell me you had Thinking Out Loud on on repeat."
"Taylor Swift," Charlie mumbles, "Red."
"Oh honey this is worse than I thought it might be."
"Shut up." Charlie's cheeks are flushing. "But fine. I'll call him later."
"Do it now."
"But you're here."
"Exactly, I'll be able to make sure you're actually doing it."
Charlie sighs but doesn't argue further, instead he stares at the phone on the table in front of him as if he can somehow will Finn to call. When that fails, he picks it up and calls Finn himself.
Unsurprisingly it goes to voicemail.
"Hey Finn," Charlie's voice is shaky, "I, uh, know you don't really want to hear from me right now but I just wanted to call. Eliza said something about how it'd show I cared, if, you know, you even bother to listen to this. I don't blame you if you want to ignore this, and me, and this whole mess. That's probably a good idea. And I want to explain everything to you over the phone but I'm not quite sure how to it just seems like there's far too much to talk about.
But you should know I'm an idiot. And that I know you and stupid is a terrible excuse but you don't know what it was like to grow up in that house with that man. And I know I should have been stronger and braver but I was terrified, and after Matt left things just seemed to get worse, because Dad expected me to be the son that Matt had 'never been' and I didn't want to let him down. And then when he found out about Dan he got angry and he was threatening to hurt me and he was threatening to hurt Dan and I didn't know how to be strong or to brave. I only know how to give in.
It was never meant to go that far. But I was scared and I didn't know what Dad would do, I just knew that I had to show him that I wasn't gay. I never wanted to break Daniel's heart and after it happened I hated myself, how could I not. And I took everything that Dad thought I deserved, because I did deserve it. I deserved so, so, much worse. And the thing is, if you'd just talk to me, I could tell you that I took it all for you, things are different with you Finn, I don't care what he thinks anymore."
Eliza tries to pretend she's not listening but Charlie watches as she processes his words and then her eyes stray to his black eye.
All she says when he hangs up is "your dad sounds like a piece of work".
And Charlie just nods.
The rest of the meal is a whirlwind of eating and chatter. Both of them try to avoid bringing up Finn again and Charlie realises that he and Eliza actually got on surprisingly well. They've chatted before of course, but Finn's usually been around, and if he hasn't their conversations have been nothing more than hurried exchanges or have been about Finn, usually Eliza trying to pry information out of Charlie about the current state of their relationship – Charlie usually describes it as non-existent, Eliza usually tells Charlie that the lie might be a lot more believable if he didn't have a love bite on his neck when he spent last night at Finn's.
But this time he's actually learning about Eliza. Like the fact that she's watched The Lion King twelve times this year already, or that she's hoping to go into cancer research after her best friend's little sister battled Leukaemia a few years ago. He also manages to get her to tell him about her massive crush on the waitress that's serving them, a big change from the pretentious boy in her statistics class from a few weeks ago.
But all good things must come to an end, and his meal with Eliza is one of those things. And before he wants to, Charlie finds himself walking back through his door room and back to some sort of pit of despair that he can't seem to pull himself out of on his own.
---
Finn isn't entirely sure what this feeling of detachment from his own life is.
He's broken up with people before, and he's done it for less of a reason than he did with Charlie but he's never felt like this afterwards. Like his brain has given up. He can't concentrate in lectures and all he can think about is stupid, stupid Charlie and how easily everything seems to have fallen apart.
Finn had allowed himself to hope that the two of them had a chance, that they could have been more than just a secret. But now he's left to stare at the ruins of their relationship and wonder what kind of boy Charlie really is. Deep down Finn realises that he probably wasn't just a joke, that if he was then Charlie went too far for it all to be a lie, but he also knows that he can't look at Charlie the same way anymore. Charlie is a boy who lied and hurt and broke and he's not the sweetheart that Finn thought he was.
And Finn is terrified of seeing the boy he loved – fuck loves – and being able to see nothing but the boy he used to be still lurking inside of him.
He's not sure how to be around Charlie and not think about what he knows now. It's like everything has shifted and it doesn't matter what Finn tries to tell himself or what he wants to believe, when he still thinks about Charlie his mind is a tangle of kisses and a boy breaking hearts and falling in love with a lie and a sham.
And it's all so damn messed up and Finn just wants to scream. His notes from today's lecture have lost his attention and all he can think about is Charlie.
Deep down Finn is hoping – is sure – that there must be some sort of explanation. But it's hard to deny that Charlie didn't deny what happened and it's impossible to ignore the look on Daniel's face. Fuck, the boy had moved on and he still looked like Charlie had a broken a part of him that might never get fixed.
And Finn doesn't want Charlie to hurt him or to break him, so maybe it's a good thing he cut himself off. Maybe he needs to get away from it all, step away and assess the boy that Charlie had made him become. Because before Charlie Finn didn't need anyone or anything, before Charlie Finn didn't have to worry about being hurt, before Charlie Finn's heart didn't ache with longing or need.
Before Charlie everything seemed so much simpler.
Finn knows that Charlie has left a message but he doesn't want to listen to it. Doesn't think that if he chooses to listen to what Charlie has to say then that that will be the way he wants to be. He'd like it to be face to face, as if he's somehow going to be able to tell if Charlie is lying to him, Finn isn't sure why he thinks that, it isn't as if he's been able to tell all this time.
His stomach is in knots and his heart just hurts and his brain has given up.
Finn shouldn't feel like this, he thinks, hurting someone else should not hurt you. Anyone else and he would take this as a sign that breaking up with them was not a good idea, but instead all Finn can think is that this clearly was the right idea. Because if Finn hurts this much now, when it was almost on his own terms, how much was it going to hurt when Charlie blindsided him with the news that he couldn't do this anymore.
Better to choose to hurt now and know it's coming than wait for the inevitable end.
Finn's still trying to convince himself that he's made the right choice.
Eliza: You spoken to Charlie yet???
Finn: No. Why?
Eliza: Just wondering
Finn: What have you done?
Eliza: I just went to see him. He's pretty upset and in a bit of a state
Finn knows he should not care but he can't help it, he's still concerned about Charlie even if he's the reason Charlie is so upset, even if part of him thinks that Charlie deserves to be.
Finn: A bit of a state?
Eliza: Well you know, heartbroken, and uhm..
Finn: Uhm?
Eliza: Well you know his dad
Finn: What about his Dad?
Eliza: Look I just think you should see him
Finn has no idea why Charlie went home this weekend and the idea that Charlie's dad could have anything to do with this is confusing the hell out of him. And it's not like Eliza knows what Charlie's been through, he's kept it for a secret for so long that Finn highly doubts he'd have randomly decided to tell her. And so the mention of Charlie's dad sets Finn on edge, because that man has always seemed to equal nothing but trouble.
Finn: I'll think about it
And he will. He can't not think about it, his brain seems to have given up on rational thought and adopted Charlie as its new favourite subject. Fuck medicine, Finn's brain wants to do a degree in Charlie Martin – the heartbreaker, the liar, the lover – instead.
Finn hates his fucking brain.
Eliza: Good
He ignores that. There's no need to reply and he doesn't feel like it right now. He feels like going round and apologising to Charlie, he feels like crying alone in his room, he feels like ripping his still beating heart out of his chest for being such a damn traitor.
Instead, Finn abandons his notes and opens up YouTube on his laptop instead. He's not really sure what he's searching for but he's strangely determined to find it, as if it's somehow going to make everything better. At least it might make his brain realise that everything that has happened is good.
But what to search for? Teenage boy breaks another boy's heart? Gay prank? Guy is a total dick, strings a guy along for months and then crushes him?
Nothing turns up at any results and Finn can't decide if he's annoyed or relieved. There's a small part of him that really does not want to watch this video, that figures if he never sees it then he can pretend that it doesn't exist. But the majority of him figures he needs to watch it, that he owes Daniel and himself that much.
So he does the only thing he can think of.
Finn: Don't suppose you have a link to the video?
Daniel: Seriously? You want to watch it?
Finn: Call it morbid curiosity
Daniel: Just so you know, I am rolling my eyes so hard right now. But sure, it's your choice. They managed to get it taken down a year or so ago, but I have a copy (don't ask) I'll email you
Finn: Thanks
Finn: And Daniel
Daniel: Yeah?
Finn: I'm sorry
Finn isn't sure what he's apologising for, other than he does, he's apologising for being another fool falling for Charlie's act.
Daniel: You didn't do anything?
Finn: For believing him and trusting him
Daniel: Happens to the best of us
Finn's fingers are shaking as he clicks on the file and waits for it to load. He wants to back out, he wants to never watch it and pretend that Charlie is the sweetheart he always seemed to be. But he needs to watch it, needs to face the facts. He'll carry on denying everything unless he watches it happen, because seeing is believing and Finn doesn't want to believe.
The camera quality is poor but Charlie's face is unmistakeable and Finn curses the way his heart beats a tiny bit faster and his pulse quickens as if it's an inbuilt response to just seeing Charlie. Finn wonders how long it will take his body to realise that it's time to stop reacting like that, that his response should be something closer to disappointment instead.
Finn watches in something close to disgust as Charlie begins his speech, watches as the boy he loves becomes some sort of monster. Someone who can break a heart without a care, who humiliates and bullies and is nothing like the boy Finn knows. There's a kind of horror running in Finn's blood, as he thinks about the fact that this could have been him. He could have been the one Charlie was hurting, the one who found out in front of everyone that everything between them had been a lie.
And it hurts, because this feels like a betrayal. And it's worse that it happened before they really got to know each other and Charlie didn't feel like he could tell him, because that just shows that Charlie felt like he had to hide it, probably because he knew exactly how this would turn out. That Finn would leave and refuse to talk to him and that everything would fall apart.
It hurts so fucking much. It's like his heart has been ripped to shreds and somehow managed to stitch itself back together, and now watching the video the stitches are being pulled at and he's starting to bleed all over his desk. Finn can't breathe and his lungs are on fire and he thinks he almost needs to drink an entire bottle of whisky to set himself alight.
Charlie: I'm sorry
Charlie: I can explain, no excuses
Charlie: Please can we just talk?
After a day of silence Finn wonders what has changed. If Charlie really thinks that Eliza was right when she said Finn would forgive him.
His phone is thrown across the room and Finn doesn't care about the sound of the screen cracking as it hits a wall.
Charlie doesn't deserve a reply. He doesn't deserve his heart or his promises or anything that Finn was prepared to give. Finn thought that Charlie could make him happy, but now all he feels is angry and bitter and stupid. And it's all Charlie's fault.
Finn wishes he'd never met Charlie, wishes that he's never hoped that the two of them could ever be something, anything.
Before Charlie Finn's heart was a fortress that nothing could penetrate. He didn't need or want anyone, and it was better that way, because that way no one could let him down. He made sure to distance himself from everything, kept a cautious distance from boys who might tempt him to go for something more. Finn had already felt the pain of loving something and having it ripped away from you. But then Charlie waltzed in, with his wide naive eyes and nervous smile and he fucked everything up.
Finn didn't realise he was falling for Charlie until he was truly in trouble. Until he couldn't look at the other boy and not smile, until he couldn't picture a world without Charlie in it. Somehow, somewhere, sometime, Charlie went from Matt's nerdy brother to a boy that Finn wanted desperately and it was like the ground was taken from underneath Finn's feet. And now he was balancing on thin ice and trying desperately not to crack it and drown.
Charlie's stripped away every layer of protection that Finn has ever tried to put up and it might have been okay if Finn hadn't been so stupid and Charlie hadn't been so annoyingly oblivious to the effect he had on him. Because they were both hurtling forward on their paths to be something new that they crashed together and created this mess of boys who hurt.
And Finn's heart aches with every breath he takes and he hasn't felt anything close to this since his parents died (which was a completely different kind of hurt that ripped out his heart and didn't just ache but burnt and poisoned everything close to love from that point onwards).
Finn wonders if Charlie is hurting to and curses his traitor heart for hoping that he's not. That he's happy and moving on.
Finn just wants to call him up and talk. Just a one off, a chance to have a proper goodbye. He wants to ask how the weekend at his Dad's went – well presumably, else he would have said something – and ask how his classes are going and what good films he's watched recently and ask what his favourite song of the moment is.
He wants to listen to Charlie's laugh and look at his smile and hear his voice and make the most of it when he actually knows it's going to be the last time he does that. He wants to hold Charlie's hand one more time, and kiss him senseless as a sort of goodbye.
But he can't and he won't and Finn has to remind himself that he deserves better.
Charlie broke Daniel and Finn is already broken enough. He needs a boy who can he can fuck without having part of his heart stolen away and he doesn't need a boy like Charlie who is so innocent but robs everything he owns anyway.
Finn needs a lot of things.
They're not necessarily what he wants.
He wants Charlie. Still. Somehow.