Lost Boy - Chapter 18: Chapter 18

Charlie isn't sure why he's even agreed to come to a party.
Well he does know. Eliza insisted and Charlie's never been too good at saying no. And so even though the bruises on his face still linger and the bruises on his heart are still fresh he's agreed to come along. Because Eliza's puppy dog eyes are almost, almost, as good as Finn's.
Finn did have the advantage of being undeniably handsome as well admittedly.
But Charlie's clasping a bottle of cider in his hands and wallowing instead of enjoying himself. He's doing the same thing he's been doing for the past few days, thinking about all the times he did things like this with Finn. All the times they stood at parties with their backs pressed against the wall, sharing secret smiles and drunken kisses.
Now the alcohol isn't helping raise Charlie's spirits like it usually would but instead is just serving to make him feel worse.
Charlie doesn't even know why Eliza wanted him here, she disappeared off less than half an hour into the evening with a simple call of 'I'll be back later' and that was an hour ago and Charlie hasn't seen her since. He just wants some company, to look less like a loner and more like someone who's actually enjoying themselves.
He wishes he was more outgoing, more like Finn. The sort of person who could strike up a conversation with a random stranger and be best friends with them by the end of the night. But he's not that person, and so he keeps to himself – like he always does – and thinks of Finn – like he always does.
Speak of the devil and he shall appear. And Finn does, in black skinny jeans and a tight black top, smiling the way Charlie thought was reserved just for him.
He imagines it playing out the way Eliza no doubt intended – because he's pretty sure he knows why she was insistent on him coming to the party now. He imagines catching Finn's eye across the room and offering him a small smile. That maybe Finn would have just the right amount of alcohol in him to be tipsy enough to think that Charlie was worth talking to. That maybe the two of them could fix things in a secluded corner of the party and everything might just work out okay.
It's not going to work out that way though.
Because Finn is swaying as he walks, clearly already drunk judging just by the way he slurs his words. He's trying to whisper into the ear of the person next to him, a boy with bone straight black hair and a lip ring, who could not look any less like Charlie if he tried.
Charlie watches on as Finn wraps an arm around the boy's waist to pull him closer and he tries to push down the jealousy rising inside him. Finn deserves to be happy, and if hooking up with random boys at stupid parties makes him feel that way then who is Charlie to deny him that pleasure.
But it hurts, like shards of glass are lodged in his lungs, digging every time he breathes and he feels breathless and dizzy and like he's in some strange sort of parallel universe where things have been flipped upside down.
Charlie has – without realising it – become sort of dependent on being the only person that Finn wants. He's become used to Finn's smile being reserved him and become used to Finn looking at him like he's the only other person in the room. And now Finn is refusing to even meet his eye and he's smiling at the boy next to him like he's the only ray of sunshine in a room of gloom and Charlie can't take it.
He's drowning and fuck, why can't he breathe? Why does he have to feel that way? Why can't his heart just give up? Realise that a boy like him isn't made to love, but to destroy instead. Made to ruin both himself and any chance at a happy ever after. Charlie wants to give up on hope and his foolish heart but he just can't, in the same way he can't stop the way his heart is beating erratically and the way that just looking at Finn makes everything seem a little bit better, smoothes out the bad parts so Charlie can pretend that everything is okay.
It's not okay though. Things are never okay.
Finally their gazes catch, and Charlie watches Finn's eyes trail a path up and down his body. They stop, briefly, when his gaze latches onto Charlie's blackened eye and his split lip. But he doesn't stop there. He looks at Charlie for so long that Charlie feels like he must be looking past his exterior and looking at what lies within. Perhaps wondering how he never noticed a soul so black or a heart so fractured before this moment.
Finn opens his mouth to speak and Charlie realises just how much he can't do this. He can't stand here and listen to Finn no doubt list the reasons why whatever lust or like or love he felt for Charlie has been replaced with a burning hatred. He can't stand here and watch everything he's learnt to rely on go up in smoke. Charlie's accidentally started a forest fire that he has no idea how to put out, so Charlie figures the best thing he can do for himself is run out of the forest.
Or in this case walk quickly out of the party.
Charlie wants the cool air to clear his head, to expel all the thoughts he's struggling to get rid of and somehow show him clearly what he should do. He at least hopes it'll help to ease the ache in his lungs. Instead he's just cold, and his breathing is still laboured and his brain is still spinning round in circles, dancing from thought to thought so that it makes Charlie dizzy.
"I hate Eliza," he hears from behind him.
And the words are slurred but he still recognises the voice and finally everything inside of him goes still.
"Finn?"
"Hey."
Turning around slowly, Charlie drinks the other boy in. At first glance he looks just as attractive and polished as he always does, Finn doesn't believe in anything other than dressing up but then Charlie notices the dark circles under Finn's bloodshot eyes and the slump of the shoulders that's well associated with people who are in the mist of learning just how cruel life can be.
Charlie wants to reach out and touch him, to smooth away the frown and kiss a smile onto his face but he keeps his hands clutched to his sides and keeps his distance. He's not sure why Finn's here or what he's supposed to say and so he decides silence is potentially the best policy.
"You're running away again," Finn says, and Charlie can't tell if it's a statement or a question.
So he shrugs and prays to whatever god exists that Finn can stay for just a few moments longer, if only so Charlie can have some sort of semblance of a goodbye. He knows it's more than he deserves, but it can't hurt to ask.
"You always do that," Finn continues, "as soon as things start to get hard or scary or whatever, off you go. I mean you did it after the first time we kissed, you finally admitted you liked me and then you spend the next year ignoring me until I moved away. You could have been happy, you could have had me, and instead you run away and hid. You know, you keep on saying you weren't happy because of your dad, maybe you weren't happy because you were too scared of feeling that way."
"Finn."
Finn may be drunk, and maybe drunk words are sober thoughts, and maybe there's no way Finn would say any of this to Charlie's face without a drink in his system. But he is saying this, and it weirdly hurts, this brutal honesty and Charlie just kind of wants him to stop talking,
"Charlie," Finn mimics, "and then as soon as things got tough with Daniel you ran off, grabbed a video camera and made him feel like shit just so you could feel better about yourself. I don't care what you say Charlie Martin, I know you're gay, you can't fuck a boy and not be gay, so what was it? Did he kiss you and you got scared again? Is the idea of taking a dick up your arse really so terrifying?"
Suddenly Charlie is filled with a strange sort of anger. Because he knows what he did to Daniel was horrible and cruel, and he knows Finn is just trying to make sense of what little information he's been given. But that doesn't give him any right to just assume. He has no idea what Charlie has been through, the sleepless nights, the fights with his Dad, and the patching up every argument. Every cut and bruise and broken bone. Charlie thought Finn understood, but how could he, really?
"What if you're wrong?" Charlie challenges. "What if I'm not fucking gay? What if I'm just a brilliant liar and you're just a fool who fell for it all?"
A cruel smile takes over Finn's features and he steps dangerously close so that their skin is almost brushing. He places a hand at the base of Charlie's neck, fingers curling in locks of his hair and leans in.
Charlie can't help but lean into the kiss, he's missed this. In fact he melts into it, his knees turned weak and every part of him yearning for more, yearning for Finn.
When Finn pulls away his smile is even more devious than before. And it's so alien to Charlie, it looks so wrong on Finn's usually happy face that it almost makes him feel a little bit sick.
"Liars don't kiss like that," Finn tells Charlie somewhat bitterly, "no matter how good a liar they are."
"You don't know anything about me."
"I know you hurt people without trying. I know you spent all this time deciding whether or not you wanted me and still managed to fuck it all up. What did you think was going to happen? That I was going to be thrilled you were lying to me all this time?"
"I wasn't lying," Charlie says quietly.
"What? You expect me to believe that? I may think you're lying about not being gay but I still think you're a liar. I don't know what any of this was to you, whether Matt was in on all of this and it was all just a joke at my expense, if you thought it would be funny to make me think the guy I've wanted for years, fucking years, Charlie, wanted me too, but I know this didn't mean anything to you. And that's fine, fuck, I'll survive, but, like why? Why did you ever want to hurt me?"
"I never wanted to hurt you. Fuck Finn, surely you know I didn't."
"All I know is I'm hurting, and you're a liar."
Finn reaches out towards Charlie and Charlie can't help the way he flinches. For a moment, there's a fleeting look of pity but it quickly passes. Instead of hitting him, Finn runs the pad of his thumb along the bruise on Charlie's face.
"What happened?"
"I decided I should make a choice."
Finn looks confused and Charlie realises he's so drunk that he has no idea what Charlie is on about. That he'll probably have no recollection of this conversation in the morning.
Perhaps that's what gives him the courage for what he does next.
"I chose you," Charlie murmurs.
"Bad idea," Finn says, and Charlie feels his heart being forcibly ripped out of his chest, "that means you've got no one now."
Every part of Charlie shatters and he visibly sags, because whatever was holding him up has been taken away and he's not strong enough to manage on his own. Finn's words burn like poison and sting like cuts and Charlie doesn't care if he looks weak or stupid he can't help but cry.
And maybe there are better ways to deal with pain and loss and heartbreak. Maybe Charlie could turn over a new leaf and could dedicate his life to something new. He could use this as a launch pad to make himself into something better.
But it hurts so bad, and Finn's expression is so impassive that it just makes Charlie sob harder as if he's hoping he can drown in his own tears and make the pain stop.
"Don't," Finn says, "don't act like you care."
"Of course I fucking care," Charlie replies, and maybe he's screaming or maybe he's whispering but he can't tell and he doesn't care, he's sick of people assuming they know who he is, "I fucking care about you Finn. You wanna know why I hurt Daniel the way I did? My Dad told me he'd hurt him otherwise, and I was too weak and cared too much, and I thought I'd hurt him less. I spent a couple of nights in hospital and I dealt with broken ribs and I dealt with Daniel hating me and I didn't care because he was worth it.
And I turned up at my Dad's on Saturday morning and I gave up everything for you because I thought you were worth it, fuck, I knew you were worth it. And now you're standing here in front of me and telling me it was pointless, every kick and punch and.... I gave up everything, and you still think this is some kind of fucking joke to me? You know who's laughing now? My Dad, because I'm hurting and I'm unhappy and nothing could be funnier to him.
But fine if you're going to kiss me and tell me I don't care then I understand. I don't deserve you Finn, but I thought that maybe, for once, the world might treat me to something better than it's given me so far."
"Charlie."
"Fuck off."
"Charlie," Finn repeats and Charlie can't walk away from him, "I can't do this. I look at you and see a liar. I don't think I know who you are anymore. This is best."
"I hate you."
"No you don't."
Charlie wants to deny that but they both know his words are a lie.
"I love you," he admits.
"I'm sorry," Finn says, "I can't love you."
Charlie wonders when Finn's words became bullets ripping through him or when he stopped noticing how much everything hurt. Charlie has grown up in a world of pain, he didn't think he could feel anything anymore, but Finn's words are ripping through him like cables dug in his skin, dragging him backwards.
"Please," Charlie begs, "you're all I want."
Finn doesn't reply, he sways slightly, reaches out as if he's going to touch Charlie's face before pulling his hand back. And then he walks away.
Charlie watches him go, resisting the urge to fall in a heap on the floor.
He doesn't deserve Finn and he didn't deserve Daniel and he's never going to deserve happiness. He deserves pain and heartbreak; he's the dragon that needs to be slayed for someone to get their happy ending.
But maybe he can make things a little more right, can maybe ease some of the guilt a little bit.
The phone rings for what feels like an eternity.
"Hello?"
"Daniel?"
"Charlie what the hell it's like two in the morning."
"I need to see you."
"Charlie," Daniel sighs, "how drunk are you right now?"
"Completely sober, well, I've had like half a bottle of beer. I'm love drunk on heartbreak."
"Charlie, get a grip, you sound like some stupid character out of one of those terrible, pretentious books you like. I'm guessing Finn broke up with you?"
"We weren't even dating in the first place."
"What where you doing then? You really think after what you did to me I was gonna let any other guy go through the same thing?"
"I love him Dan, I mean I liked you and things were complicated and I fucked it up between us, but I was trying so hard with him, I gave up everything and I risked everything and now I've got nothing."
And the sobs are taking over, wracking Charlie's bodies like the aftershocks of an earthquake.
"Charlie," Daniel's voice is softer this time, "I'm sorry. I thought, he was, you know."
"I'm so fucking sorry Dan, I know I hurt you and I know you're never gonna forgive me but please just call up Finn and tell him I'm not as bad as he thinks I am, tell him I love him, I don't know who I am without him, I'm fucking lost. I'm so sorry Dan, I hate myself for what I did," Charlie says down the phone.
"Charlie," a sigh, "I'm not sure me saying anything will change what's happened," a pause, "look, I think we should meet up."
"You do?"
"I don't know, maybe, look I feel like things have changed and maybe you're more willing to talk and I'm more willing to listen. Just, I don't know, let me think about it, let me talk to Jonah."
"Okay."
This is more than Charlie in his broken state expected, he thought this phone call was a terrible idea but couldn't resist at least attempting to put things right. And now Daniel's offering him a lifeline, a chance for things to get at least a little bit better. The fact that Daniel is even considering this makes Charlie's heart beat stronger than it has done in days.
"I'll text you or call you something, you know, at an actual reasonable time of day."
"Sorry."
"It's fine. Night Charlie."
"Night Dan."
It's like the weight that's pressing down on his chest suddenly becomes that little bit lighter until Charlie can actually breathe. And it feels so good, because although this is not forgiveness, it's a step towards it, a step in the right direction. And Charlie feels like maybe the future isn't as bleak as he was starting to think it would be.
Because yes he's lost Finn, and yes, he might not – probably won't – get him back. But he might relieve some of the guilt he's accumulated over the years.
of Charlie is telling himself that he doesn't deserve to be forgiven. But another part of him can't help but think that after all he's been through, all the blows his father dealt, maybe he deserves something more than he's been offered so far. And maybe his Father couldn't change, but Charlie can, and he has, he doesn't care what anyone thinks anymore.
He should have given up everything for Daniel.
Although doing that for Finn has proven that that potentially isn't the smartest idea.
Charlie swipes away the drying tears on his cheeks as he hears footsteps behind him and he takes a seat on a wall overlooking a garden area.
"Charlie?" Eliza sounds concerned, evidently she's realised that her brilliant plan to reunite Finn and Charlie hasn't exactly worked out the way she wanted it to, as she takes a seat beside him.
"Hey."
"I'm guessing it didn't go well."
"He told me he couldn't love me."
"He's drunk Charlie."
"Drunk words are sober thoughts," Charlie points out.
Eliza sighs.
"Okay, I'm going to tell you something and I want you to shut up and actually listen to what I say."
"But –."
"Shut up and listen," Eliza warns, "I am not promising you that Finn didn't mean what he said but I am going to tell you why he probably said it. I've known Finn for the past two and whatever years, and he doesn't do boyfriends. He does one night stands and quick fucks at parties and then he moves on, and he's always been happy that way. He has this weird thing about letting people get close, probably to do with his parents. I mean it took me forever to convince him that I was worth being his friend, worth sharing secrets with. But boys have never made it, not in a romantic way anyway, Finn is happy distancing himself, he's always said that romance and friendship shouldn't mix.
And then you waltzed in, this wide eyed, innocent, supposedly straight boy. And I knew, right then, that Finn was fucked. Because he looked – looks – at you like it's the end of the world and you're his only chance at salvation. And now he's running away, because he's scared. He let his guard down and he told you so much and he trusted you, and he's worried that it meant nothing to you. He knows, deep down, that it meant something to you, that it had to. But he's doing what he always does, running away, because he thinks that's easier than trusting someone else to stay."
"So what am I supposed to do?"
"Let him run."
"What?" Charlie questions.
"Let him run," Eliza repeats, "eventually he'll realise he keeps on running in your direction and he won't be able to justify staying away."
"And if he doesn't run in my direction?"
"We find you a cute rebound and Finn becomes a fun chapter in the mammoth novel that is your life."
Eliza can obviously see the uncertainty on Charlie's face as she continues.
"Breakups don't have to be the end of the world Charlie. I mean this one has been difficult and messy and unexpected. But the worst thing you can do is sit here and wallow, because in that moment the relationship stops being something good and starts being something that's now holding you back. Use this breakup to make you do something crazy, some people go for a haircut."
"So you're saying look at the positives of the breakup?"
"I'm saying look at all the things you did because of Finn rather than all the things that you won't do with him."
"You sound like you know what you're talking about," Charlie says.
"I fall in love very easily. And that makes it all too easy to have your heart broken, even if the two of you weren't even dating."
Charlie lets out a small laugh.
"It'll be fine Charlie, I promise. Everything happens for a reason. It'll all work out in the end. All that motivational bullshit. Focus on hakuna matata for all I fucking care."
With that Eliza ruffles Charlie's hair before standing up and making her way back into the party.
Charlie thinks it's probably about time he went back to his dorm, it's been a long and emotionally draining night after all. But he wants to stay for a little bit longer, the sky is clear tonight and the stars are as beautiful as always.
If Finn was beside him he'd be able to tell Charlie the names of them all. But Charlie chooses not to dwell on that.
Instead he stares up at the glittering sky and hopes that you can make wishes on stationary stars as well as shooting ones, because he's got a hell of a lot of things he'd like to wish for.