Lost Boy - Chapter 19: Chapter 19

Over the course of the next few days, Charlie jumps every time he hears his phone buzz. He has no idea who he's expecting – or wanting – it to be, Daniel or Finn? But it's usually Eliza texting him something nonsensical or weirdly motivational, occasionally both.
But this time, it's Daniel's name that's flashing on his screen when he checks his phone after his lecture.
Daniel: I know this is late notice but are you doing much tomorrow? We're going back to Jonah's for the weekend so we can stop by on the way
Charlie: That's fine, I can make sure I'm free
Daniel: Okay good, see you then, just tell us where you want to meet by tomorrow morning or something
Charlie: Sure thing
The nervousness rises in Charlie like a tidal wave and he feels like he is about to drown. But he can do this, he wants to do this. Daniel is a part of Charlie's life that he tried to lock up in a box in the back of his mind and forget about, but he knows it needs opening, that he can't become some new person that deserves better unless he admits exactly what he did. There's no point in growing if you're made of rotted wood.
Charlie doesn't sleep much that night, he wakes up almost hourly and the sleep he does get is restless, he tosses and turns. Wakes up to find his duvet has been thrown on to the floor at some point during the night.
And the next morning is no better. He almost doesn't want to eat, guilt is covering his tongue in a papery film but he forces himself to chew on a piece of toast and he grabs an apple in case he finds he can eat later. He puts more thought into his outfit than is perhaps necessary, dressing up as seriously as the situation seems to deem, but he doesn't want to overdress, doesn't want Daniel to get the wrong idea about why he's wanting to meet up again.
Then he heads out the door. Tries to squish the bundle of nerves and guilt in his stomach down to something more manageable.
He'd texted Daniel to meet him at a quaint little cafe just off campus late last night. Hoping that the quirky, homey feel might help to dispel some of the awkwardness and tension. He figures you can't really start having a shouting match in a quiet cafe.
Daniel: We're five minutes or so away :)
Charlie's palms are sweating slightly but he takes the smiley face as a good sign and tries to calm himself down. Counts to a hundred in his head, tries to think about the essay he needs to plan when he gets back to his room, even tries to calm himself by making up stories for everyone else sipping on their drinks.
He's sat with his back to the door which, now he thinks about it, probably wasn't the best idea. It means he spends his time waiting turned in an uncomfortable position so that he can know exactly when Daniel and Jonah walk in.
He doesn't wait too long, which Charlie thinks is good. He doesn't feel ready but then, he hasn't felt ready to do this for the past few years.
Telling the truth is harder than anyone makes it out to be.
The two other boys fall through the door laughing, fingers intertwined and Charlie can't help the twist of jealousy in his stomach, the little green monster sitting on his shoulder and reminding him that this is what he screwed up. Charlie's glad that Daniel seems happy though, notices that his eyes light up every time they land on the boy beside him.
Daniel spots Charlie quickly and begins to head straight towards him. Something about this time seems different, nothing like their confrontation in the cupcake shop a year ago. Something seems to have shifted during the phone call last night, as if Daniel finally got a hint of Charlie's guilt, as if this time Daniel realises that maybe Charlie wasn't intent on hurting him all along.
"Hey," Charlie says quietly.
"Hey."
Daniel's boyfriend says nothing, just offers Charlie a lingering glare before sitting down so that he's separating the two other boys.
"You must be Jonah," Charlie tries.
He simply gets ignored.
"Jonah, play nice," Daniel asks.
"I'm not playing nice, he's a dick."
Charlie doesn't even try to defend himself, there's no point when Jonah is telling the truth. And so he sits in silence as Daniel offers him what might almost be an apologetic glance before turning to the blonde boy.
"Come on Jonah, give him a chance, I am."
"Fine," Jonah sighs eventually, "hey, I'm Jonah."
"Charlie."
"Oh, I've heard all about you."
"Jonah!" Daniel hisses.
"What? It's true. Anyway I'm giving him a chance, I'm just saying if he does anything again then we should totally call up Isaac and ask him to use his black belt magic."
"Jonah shut up." A pause. "So, you okay?"
"Uhm, yeah, fine."
"Charlie, people who call you up at two am in the morning crying down the phone are generally not okay."
"I'm not great," Charlie corrects, "but I'll be okay, anyway, nothing I need to bother you with."
"So, you wanted to meet up again," Daniel prompts.
There's a brief pause in conversation as the waitress comes to take their order but when she leaves both Jonah and Daniel are staring at Charlie expectantly.
"Well the thing is I, uhm, wasn't entirely truthful the last time I tried to apologise."
Jonah snorts. "What a surprise that is."
Daniel offers him a sharp glare but gestures to Charlie to continue.
"So I guess I'm not telling you that I had a reason to do it, because even I don't really think I can justify that. And I'm not making excuses. I just want to explain everything from my side, because there was some things I didn't – couldn't – tell you, and just, I guess if anyone deserves the truth it's you. And I want to apologise, like really apologise, because I fucked things between us up majorly because I'm an idiot and weak and a coward."
"So, uh, go on."
"Right, well I'd been crushing on you for months before I met you. That's the first thing you should know, I am gay, like actually, really, 'I love dick up the ass' kind of full on gay." the hint of a smile on the other boys faces. "So that was the first lie I told, when I said I wasn't gay, I'd liked you for ages, thought you were the cutest boy I'd ever seen, actually, well, uhm, the second cutest, but that's a whole other story. And so I didn't start talking to you as some sort of joke, I started talking to you because I thought maybe we could be happy together. Although I think we worked better as friends but hey, who knows, I fucked both possibilities up.
The second thing you should know is about my Dad." Charlie points to the bruise still ringing his eye. "At home, a warning isn't a verbal thing, it's a punch to the stomach or a kick to the chest. I've never really told people, because I know people don't tend to believe you when you say you're being abused, and I guess it didn't really feel like abuse, it kind of felt like I deserved it. Anyway, my Dad's grown up telling me that homosexuality is wrong, we weren't really allowed gay friends and they definitely weren't allowed in the house and my Dad got touchy if I was even five minutes late back from a friend's house. I don't really know why he was like that, he was constantly spouting some religious bullshit but I never really got how the two linked."
"Charlie, you should have told me."
"I didn't want your pity, or worse, for you not to believe me. And I'm not looking for your pity now, I know that this is no sort of excuse for what I've done. I'm just trying to sort of help it make sense how I could be so horrible."
"Okay so were you scared of your Dad, fair enough, why the hell did you have to hurt Daniel like that?" Jonah asks.
His gaze is fierce on Charlie but softens when it lands on Daniel. Charlie is so glad that Daniel has found someone to protect him, someone who treats him like he deserves to be treated, who is willing to give him their whole world.
"Do you remember when I told you I was gay?" Charlie asks Daniel.
"Yeah. I was kind of surprised but I guess not really, you were so scared though."
"I'd always been terrified of what my Dad would do if he found out. And then he did. He came home from school and he was holding my laptop in his hands and telling me about how he'd heard me and you were hanging out together. So he'd taken it upon himself to read the conversations and found out I was gay. You don't know my Dad Daniel, he'd have punished me for liking you and he'd have tried to find you to get back at you for 'turning' me. And I was terrified of him hurting you, so I did the first thing that came to mind, I told him I wasn't gay, that it was all a joke, that I'd break things off with you as soon as possible.
Of course that fucking wasn't enough for him. He wanted a video and I know I should have said no and I should have stood up to him but I was a coward and I didn't know how. Somehow pretending it had all been a joke seemed like it would be easier on you than anything my Dad would do. And I know that sounds stupid and thinking about it in retrospect it's probably not true, but it seemed like it, so I went along with it.
I told you it was a joke, made a video just like he'd asked. Then went home and wanted to do nothing but sob, or kill myself, potentially both. But of course Dad was waiting for me and he wanted to know how it went. I gave him the video and he taught me a 'lesson'."
"Charlie, what did he do?"
"Does it matter?"
"Yes."
"I went to the hospital with two broken ribs that night."
"I'd heard something about you falling down the stairs," Daniel says with a sudden realisation, "that was him, wasn't it?"
"Yeah," Charlie replies quietly, "he wanted to beat the gay out of me or whatever. I didn't post that video though Daniel, I don't know who did, but I haven't had a hold of it since that day. I got a new phone, I couldn't deal with having my old one."
"And the pictures of our messages up on all the walls."
"I think my Dad made me put those up as a way of reminding me just what he could do if I decided not to be his perfect son. It wasn't meant to hurt you, it was meant to hurt me."
"So this isn't an apology."
"I mean I am apologising, I hate myself for what I did to you, hate the way I hurt you. But this isn't an excuse. There's nothing that can excuse what I did, but I'm telling you that I never wanted to hurt you, I was just too much of a coward to stand up for you or me. And I get it if you don't believe me, no one ever really seems to want to, they're happy to turn a blind eye even if they know it's wrong, but I am telling the truth, for once, I really, really am sorry."
"It's okay Charlie, I forgive you."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I mean I hate you for what you did."
"Oh."
"It was shitty, I'm not gonna pretend it wasn't. But I also can't say that I wouldn't have done the same if I was in your position, you were scared, you did what you thought would keep us safe. And I don't think I was the only person you hurt when you did it?"
"What? Who else?"
"You Charlie, are you saying that you haven't been hating yourself for the past couple of years because of this?"
"I deserve to hate myself," Charlie says simply.
"No one deserves that," Daniel replies.
"No, no one deserves what I did to you."
Jonah speaks up for the first time since Charlie's revelation.
"They don't," he admits, "but Daniel's forgiven you and moved on, maybe it's time for you to do the same."
"Why are you guys being nice to me? After everything I've done you should both hate me."
"I did," Daniel says, "it's a waste of time, there's no point getting hung up on the past, it's important that you move on, make the most of the present, all that motivational bullshit. And it's not like we've been perfect either, I'm sorry we told Finn."
"You were well within your rights to," Charlie shrugs, tries to keep any shakiness out of his tone, "it's my fault for not telling him sooner."
"You really like him?"
"I think I might have been in love with him for the past three years without realising it."
"I would be hurt, but hey, we were better as friends anyway, kissing you was kind of weird."
"Weirdly you two talking about kissing makes me uncomfortable."
"Aw, is little Jonah jealous," Daniel teases.
"Firstly, we both know nothing about me is little," Jonah says, "secondly, I've had a hell of a lot better than a kiss from you."
"You two seem happy," Charlie comments.
"We are. We're good together. Which is kind of why I agreed to meet?"
"Oh?"
"Me and Jonah have had our ups and downs, we were on then we were off, then Jonah liked me but he wasn't gay and it was a mess. But we worked things out, and thank god we did. Sometimes, if you really love someone, you have to hold onto them, you can't just let them go."
"So?"
"We're going to help you get Finn back," Jonah says with a grin.
"Are you kidding? You guys hated me like a week ago."
"Actually I stopped hating you a little while ago, I kind of came to tell you I was over it. I guess when I met Finn I was weirdly jealous, because somehow he'd managed to do something I hadn't, that's why I told him about it, it was a rash decision and stupid. Sure, you made a mistake, a pretty big one, but that doesn't mean that you don't deserve to be happy."
"He doesn't want anything to do with me anyway, it's pointless. He thinks this whole thing between us was a lie."
"So show him it wasn't."
"You don't think I've tried that? This was for him," Charlie points at his bruised face again, "I gave up everything for him, and now it's all falling apart."
"Still. There's no harm in trying," Jonah tells Charlie, "you got any friends of his that we can call."
"I'll call Eliza," Charlie grumbles.
Charlie's not entirely sure about this idea. Part of him feels like it's just offering him a hint of false hope, today has been too good a day and he feels as if he is seconds away from waking up from a dream. It's practically a miracle that Daniel's forgiven him, that somehow, Jonah and he appear to actually be interested in helping Charlie. He just has no idea how to break it to them that they're feeding a false hope, he and Finn are over.
You've got no one now.
I can't do this. I look at you and see a liar. I don't think I know who you are anymore.
I can't love you.
The words are echoing in Charlie's brain until he feels like he's drowning in them, the weight of them physically holding him down.
You're running away again.
And maybe him running away is the problem, maybe he keeps running away without properly letting things go, keeps blaming people for his own fear without facing up to it. Maybe he's running away from Finn now, too scared to face up to him again because he knows what Finn is going to say.
But Charlie deserves closure, perhaps this is the way he's going to get it.
So he lets Daniel and Jonah fill him in on their supposedly brilliant plan and when Eliza arrives and promptly announces that he needs to change, immediately, he doesn't argue. They're trying, for him, and so maybe Charlie should start trying too. He's sick of giving up on things because he's not sure he deserves them, surely he deserves a little bit of happiness? A grand finale to his story? A brilliant day capped off by a romantic gesture and a happy ever after.
Surely he at least deserves a proper goodbye.
He still has his doubts though, and he makes those quite clear as the group begin to make their way back to Charlie's room for some more preparations.
"You guys didn't see him," Charlie says, "he was so, so angry and I think I broke whatever was between us, I fucked it all up and it's all my fault. He can do better than me and now he knows it."
"Charlie if I can forgive you then so can Finn." Daniel says, attempting to reassure him.
"Okay Jonah, imagine that instead of finding out that the boy you liked had had something that shit happen to him, you instead find out that he did something that terrible. Imagine how mad you'd be, and how confused. You really think you'd stay?"
A brief pause.
"No," Jonah admits.
"Exactly guys, you're wasting your time."
"No," Eliza says, "fuck Finn, if he's going to be a dick and end the best thing he's ever had then that's his choice. But you at least have the right to be listened to, tell him your side of the story without him acting like a total dickhead. So you are going to put on a kickass outfit to show him what he's missing, then I am going to march you on over to his and we are going to force him to listen to you. Because he needs to realise that this wasn't all a lie, that you have feelings too that he can't just ignore."
"Fine," Charlie says, "I'm just telling you not to expect some sort of happy ending."
"There's no such thing as a happy ending," Eliza says, with a tiny grin, "because no one ever wants it to be over."
"Whatever."
"Come on, you're definitely not going to get a happy ending if you keep walking at this pace."
---
Charlie stands in front of Finn's door in a pair of faded blue jeans and an old shirt of Finn's that still, somehow smells like Finn even after several washes. And Charlie isn't sure he's ever been so nervous, not even when he went to see his Dad a week ago.
But then again that was to be expected, his throat had always felt dry, like he was going to choke, whenever he was at home. But Finn's apartment has always been different, a kind of sanctuary for Charlie to shelter in whenever the world got hard. It's been the backdrop to kisses and confessions and falling in love, Charlie's never been here at a time like this. When the foundations that he's recently built his life upon have started to crumble.
He's just waiting now for everything to come crashing down.
Jonah, Daniel and Eliza are stood flanking him as if they're his own personal army and this day honestly feels like Charlie has entered an alternate dimension. Because Daniel has somehow gone from hating him to backing him and it's weird and strange and unbelievable but Charlie can feel himself starting to dare to hope of a future friendship.
And now they're stood outside the door of the boy Charlie loves, waiting for him to break Charlie's heart yet again but Charlie doesn't care.
Because nothing Finn says now can take away the past few months. He's never going to forget the feel of his lips against Finn's. He's never going to forget Finn's laugh or Finn's smile of the way his eyes light up when he spots a dog. Everything has been committed to Charlie's memory, and sure, maybe he didn't know the last kiss would be the last, or that everything was going to be over before he knew it. But maybe things are better this way, maybe this was the way their story was always supposed to end, Charlie's never really been very good at goodbyes anyway.
They're either too sad – with tears ruining memories of the good times you shared – or too happy – both of you pretending you don't care if the other one leaves.
So maybe silence is the best policy, maybe this way neither of them will wander what if. There's a definite ending, and Finn can move on to someone who actually deserves him and Charlie can maybe, hopefully, one day find someone new too. Someone who he won't fuck over this time.
"I don't think I need to do this," Charlie says simply.
"What?" Jonah asks, sounding as confused as Eliza and Daniel look.
"I don't think I need a happy ever after, I mean I know I'm not going to get one, and I just think this is going to make things worse rather than better. I appreciate what you guys are trying to do, but I just don't think it's a good idea."
"But – but what about closure?" Eliza asks,
"Maybe I already got it."
"You're being an idiot."
"I hate goodbyes." Charlie says with a shrug.
And then he begins to walk away. And maybe he's running away again, and maybe he's giving up on everything he's ever wanted. But in the end he supposes there's no point fighting for something you know you're not going to get. You might as well just head home and tend to your wounds, hope that next time round things go your way.
At the moment Charlie feels like he keeps on patching up the cracks in his heart only for Finn to break it all over again. And he's not sure he can go through that another time without his heart giving up.
"Fuck this," Charlie hears Eliza say, "I've waited too long for the two of you to get together."
Then she knocks on the door and Charlie freezes in his path.
Now all he has to do is wait.