Lost Boy - Chapter 2: Chapter 2
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For a few years now Charlie has clung onto the hope that going to university will be a fresh start, a chance for everything to start over. A chance for Charlie to finally figure out what the hell he wants from a life, a chance to work out who he could be without having to worry what everyone thinks.
So far it seems like that hope has been a false one.
Charlie had hoped that university would allow him more freedom, a chance to get away from his father. But his dad is stood close behind him, helping Charlie to carry boxes up a stupid amount of stairs.
"You know I'll be expecting you to come back at the weekends," he says.
Charlie's dad's voice is always loud. Even a whisper sounds like a shout, and his normal speaking voice often seems loud enough to trigger earthquakes. He's practically shouting now, voice reverberating through the floor, through Charlie's bones. Charlie can feel his entire body shake; he can't wait for this feeling to disappear.
"Not every weekend," Charlie replies, voice unusually firm.
"Why not?"
Defiance is not something that Peter Martin is used to dealing with. Most arguments between father and son are dealt with before they even begin, a raised hand is usually enough to stop Charlie disagreeing. At the most it takes a quick hit and Charlie soon quietens down. Now Charlie doesn't even bother replying, they both know he'll agree eventually anyway.
"Fine," Charlie's father concedes in an unusually calm manner, Charlie had expected more of an argument, "regularly though. I'm all alone now you and Matty have moved out."
"You'll survive," Charlie replies simply.
Charlie wonders if this is how the fall out between his brother and his dad happened a couple of years ago. If it all became too much and Matthew couldn't take it anymore. If the jokes his father told became as despised as they are now, if Matthew dreaded the sound of the door opening late in the evening back then as Charlie does now. He'd love to ask Matt, but Matt won't talk about their dad anymore. And so Charlie has learnt to keep quiet around both of them, his Dad won't talk about Matt, Matt won't talk about their dad, it's as if they hope that by pretending the other doesn't exist they can erase the past.
Charlie knows that it doesn't work like that.
"You should probably get going soon," Charlie is aware that his words probably come across as rude but sharing air with his father is starting to feel like sharing air with a fire. It clogs his lungs, makes it difficult to breathe properly.
Charlie's never going to get a fresh start with his dad still around.
"Fine."
"I just meant you might want to get back so you're not driving later when you're tired."
"Uh-huh."
The tension between them feels palpable and Charlie almost wants to retract the words. But he can't. They're true. Charlie just wants to be alone right now, he wants to move in and get to know the people in his dorm. He doesn't want to be his father's son; he wants to be Charlie, university student, procrastinator extraordinaire.
He wants to be himself.
"Well bye then."
It's awkward. Neither of the pair has ever been one for signs of affection and so when Peter Martin initiates a hug both of them aren't entirely sure what to do. Charlie is certain it can't be over quick enough.
"Bye."
"Call me often, and I expect you to be coming home soon," Charlie's father's tone makes it sound like he's joking, Charlie knows that he's not. "seriously Charlie, soon. Can't have you forgetting about me now can we?"
"We can't"
Sometimes Charlie thinks that that's all he wants. To forget about everything. His dad, the fights, every single stupid decision he's made over the past few years. And the kiss. He'd love to forget about the kiss, it keeps him up at night tossing and turning in his bed, constantly wondering what if. Wondering if Finn still thinks about it too. Wondering if, had the kiss never happened, he'd be the same person he is today, if he'd have made the same mistakes again, broken the same hearts, denied the same facts.
That kiss haunts Charlie to this day. As if Finn is still running through his bloodstream. One reminder and Charlie feels like a nervous fifteen year old all over again. Fingers clinging desperately to fabric as if Finn is the lifeboat out at sea, and Charlie is sinking, stranded.
"Charlie?"
"Sorry," Charlie's tuned out, his thoughts elsewhere, he can't let his dad know what he was thinking about, can't risk the repercussions, "I was thinking about how exciting this all is."
It's not a complete lie. It is exciting, it's a fresh start.
"Look at you," Peter Martin says, "my little boy, all grown up."
Charlie doesn't feel all grown up though. Most of the time he feels about two inches tall, as if he could easily be squashed underfoot. Sometimes it's nice, it's nice to go unnoticed, it's nice to be able to watch boys without anyone calling him out, it's nice that it can remain his little secret. Sometimes though Charlie wishes he was bigger, stronger, more confident. Wishes that he was as amazing as all his peers seem to think he is, wishes that standing up to his father was as easy as pretending he doesn't care.
Charlie wishes for a lot of things. They never seem to come true.
"Not quite grown up yet," Charlie replies.
"That's true, you could do with a few more inches."
His dad enjoys making fun of his height. It's a running joke. Hahaha, Charlie is short, hahaha, Charlie is weak, hahaha Charlie is literally half the man I hoped he would be.
Ha – fucking – ha.
"Dad," Charlie says, not even bothering to hide his urgency from his tone, "shouldn't you be going."
"Right. Yeah. I'll see you when you come home. Call me."
And with that Peter Martin turns away, and it's like all the oxygen returns the room. Charlie can breathe freely again, there's no smoke in his lungs, no fear in his heart. He grows a few inches almost instantly, he doesn't feel quite as small when his dad's not around.
All of his boxes are in his room now and Charlie has nothing to do, he's just waiting around for his roommate to arrive. He doesn't mind it though, it's quite nice having nothing to do, to just have the evening stretching out in front of him with nothing planned. Charlie can do anything he wants to do.
He's finally free.
Charlie has thought about this first night for a long time. Has thought about all the things he could possibly do on his first night of no consequences. Charlie has dreamed about the freedom of university since that party three years ago, there's been plenty of time for him to conjure up ideas. He might go out and kiss a girl, might go out and kiss a boy, he might drink so much the world feels like it's spinning or dance until everyone's watching. Tonight could be the night Charlie finally discovers who he really is.
But first he needs food. The growling of his stomach reminds Charlie of that and he's soon pushing himself out of his chair and through the door. It's not difficult to navigate his way through the building but once he's out in the open air Charlie finds it slightly more difficult. Walking through campus before he was more focused on trying not to drop the insanely heavy boxes rather than figuring out where the food is situated at. Now that he thinks about it, Charlie probably had his priorities all wrong
It's not that difficult to find though. Charlie just follows where everyone else seems to be going and soon comes to a place that seems to be drawing all the attention.
"Hey Charlie!"
Charlie would recognise that voice anywhere. It's whispering his name when he's lying awake at night. But he can't be here, he shouldn't be here. This is supposed to be a fresh start.
Spinning around Charlie sees that Finn has barely changed. Sure he's grown taller, got his hair cut short, but he still oozes confidence, still has an easy smile that makes you want to reply yes without waiting for the request.
"Hey," Charlie's voice is weak and he feels like he wouldn't mind if the ground swallowed him up right about now.
"I didn't know you got in here," Finn says.
His tone is light, his smile honest. He genuinely seems thrilled that Charlie is here, and for a moment Charlie feels his heart beat a little bit faster, the rhythm a little more erratic. Just the sight of Finn, the sound of his voice, gets Charlie's pulse racing, makes his breathing quicken. Charlie faintly recalls what Finn's kisses do to him before reminding himself that he's not supposed to be thinking about Finn anymore, not in that context anyway.
Three years is an unhealthy amount of time to be caught up on one stupid night. No matter how earth-shattering and life-changing the kisses you participated in seemed.
"I arrived today."
"Where you staying?"
Charlie gestures in the faint direction of where his halls are. He's too out of it to do much more than that, Finn is here, stood in front of Charlie. Charlie had almost fooled himself into thinking that Finn was someone he had made up, that the kisses were just a result of his hyperactive imagination. But Finn is very real right now, Charlie can see his chest rising and falling as he breathes, can see the way his eyebrows quirk upwards in a teasing manner when he spots Charlie watching.
"Not far from me," the easy smile is still displayed on Finn's face.
Charlie feels like he's perilously close to the edge. Like seeing Finn has brought the emotions back up to the surface, has amplified them so that he feels like he's drowning in them. Like he's standing at the top of a cliff, daring to look over the edge.
"You should come sit with us," Finn says.
He runs a hand over his head, as if the haircut is new and the memory of hair still lingers. And then he drops his gaze to his feet and when his gaze returns to Charlie, Charlie can see that the nervousness he is feeling is mirrored in Finn's eyes.
Charlie falls. Hard, fast, swiftly. Seeing Finn is just reminding him of everything he's tried to forget since Finn left that summer. Charlie has tried to banish the affection, the something more. But it's no use, Finn just has to look at him for it all to come flooding back. Like an unstoppable tide, like a breeze that's suddenly become a hurricane.
"Uhm," Charlie's finding it hard to find words, he needs to string letters together but it's suddenly impossibly difficult – he's still stuck in the free fall – "are you sure that's okay?"
The last thing Charlie wants is for it to be awkward. He's aware that Finn has friends, they're stood watching this exchange after all, and he doesn't want to get in the way if they have something planned. Finn is their friend after all, not his.
To Charlie he's just a boy. The boy.
"Of course it's fine," Finn laughs as if Charlie said something unbelievably stupid and Charlie's cheeks heat, "why wouldn't it be?"
Charlie can hardly say that he was worried all Finn's friends would hate him and so he allows his voice to drop to below a whisper and gives a vague reply.
"I – I don't know."
"Well it is fine. Besides, you gotta meet some new people, make new friends, I can tell you who to avoid, who's likely to steal your lunch money, that kind of thing," Finn's tone is teasing.
A small smile slips onto Charlie's face. It's an accident, he didn't mean to let it show, but he knows Finn notices it.
"Come on then," Finn's grabbing onto the sleeve of Charlie's shirt and leading him through groups of people, Charlie tries to ignore the way that Finn's fingers are brushing against his skin, "I swear they make the food extra good on the first day to give all the newbies some hope."
"Are you saying the food is usually bad?"
"No I'm just saying that you might want to adopt a 'I can cook for cheaper and it'll probably taste better' stance."
"Noted."
"Good."
Once they're seated, food in front of them, Finn pauses before eating to offer the kind of smile that seems like it could solve anything. The kind of smile that makes Charlie think that Finn has the entire world's happiness locked up inside of him ready to burst out at any moment.
"So long time no see huh," Finn says.
"Something like that."
"I mean the last time was when your dad told me I was going to hell," Charlie is surprised by the flippant tone with which Finn is talking about this, "but then again, that wasn't exactly a onetime thing."
"Sorry."
Charlie feels like he's constantly apologising, either for his dad's flaws or his own.
"Not your fault your dad is a dick. Sorry, he is your dad."
Charlie still feels like he should be apologising. Like he should have stuck up for Finn or like he shouldn't even be talking to his dad anymore. Charlie is pretty sure that there's something he should have done, even if he doesn't know what it is just yet.
"It's fine," Charlie says with a shake of his head, "I mean he was a dick to you."
"He was a dick to you."
Charlie's not sure how but it's clear that Finn knows. Matthew probably told him, or he maybe figured it out for himself, Finn's cleverer than he looks, in fact Charlie always forgets how smart Finn really is, how well he manages to disguise it with all his joking around. However Finn found out, it's clear in his worrying, pitying gaze that he knows.
Charlie decides ignorance is the best policy.
"What do you mean?"
Finn's eyes narrow slightly, he knows Charlie is feigning not knowing what he's on about but he drops the subject none the less.
Charlie breathes a deep sigh of relief, that is not something he wants to be getting into right now. Or ever, to be perfectly honest.
"So Finn," Finn's friends have finally piped up, Charlie is glad for the distraction, "who is this guy?"
There's no malice in the boy's tone, instead his smile is easy, as infectious as Finn's. But whilst Finn's suggest secrets and dares, this boy's makes me look like a puppy or something equally as adorable. It makes him look loyal, trustworthy, cute.
Not as cute as Finn though...
Charlie should not be thinking these thoughts. Especially not right now. Charlie should be thinking about how beautiful the girl on Finn's right is, should not be registering the way that Finn's t-shirt clings to his torso, should not be thinking about how Finn's lips would feel pressed against his. Charlie's eyes should not be tracing every curve of Finn's body, thinking about pressing their bodies together, virtually no space between them.
Charlie should not be thinking about any of that. But he is.
"You okay?"
Clearly he's zoned out, but Charlie tries to stop the redness from rising to his cheeks and instead nods.
"This is Charlie," Finn continues, a slight teasing smile on his face as if he knows exactly what Charlie was thinking about, "he's one of the few awesome people from back home. Comic book nerd, lover of early 2000s school disco hits, pretty sure he's secretly an evil mastermind, once told me to get a grip when I cut my finger open and can fit 40 malteasers into his mouth."
Charlie can't stop the blushing now.
"You remember that?"
"Of course I do, it was you sticking balls in your mouth, it's the kind of memory that sticks with you."
"Finn!" Is all Charlie can exclaim.
"What? You can't be mad at me for telling you the truth."
Charlie is pretty sure his cheeks have never been so red.
"Just – I – You."
"You'll get there eventually," Finn teases, "but just so you know, you can try sticking my balls in your mouth anytime."
Finally, one of Finn's friends decides to speak up.
"For god's sake Finn, shut up, you're making everyone uncomfortable. "All of this is accompanied by a roll of her eyes. "Nice to meet you Charlie, I'm Eliza. Unfortunately for you you've already met Finn, but there's more of us and luckily we're not as annoying. That's Leo," Eliza gestures to a brunette, "Becca," a raven haired girl with a stud through her nose, "and Ollie." The last boy offers Charlie an easy smile and a wave.
Charlie nods. He knows he should be making an effort to remember all the names but instead he's too busy trying to figure out why any of them are making an effort to talk to him. Charlie has never exactly been unpopular, has spend of his life hanging on the edges of the 'in-crowd' but he's never really been picked as a friend either, he usually comes as a tag-along. If they want to be friends with Charlie's friends then they have to be friends with Charlie too sort of thing.
"So yeah," Eliza says, "if you ignore Finn we're not that bad a group of people to hang out with."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Finn asks. "I am an awesome person to know."
"That might be so, but you're not so awesome when you introduce a guy by telling him how much you like thinking about him in compromising positions," Eliza points out.
"You mean that's not the way to make friends?"
Another roll of the eyes from Eliza, Charlie has to hold in a giggle.
"No Finn, that's not the way to make friends."
Finn pouts and Charlie thinks that his heart might actually be about to burst. Because all of these feeling for Finn he's kept carefully contained are suddenly starting to threaten to overflow. It's been three years, Charlie really should be over the kiss, but somehow he's not. Somehow seeing Finn has just made it clearer how not over him Charlie really is.
A kiss really should not cause this many feelings, a kiss really should not cause this many conflicted emotions, should not cause so many problems.
Somehow though, it has.
Charlie imagines that if he had shared the kiss with anyone else then he would be over it by now. But there's something about Finn, something in his smile and the secretive glimmer in his gaze every time he catches Charlie's eye. There's something about Finn that Charlie just can't ignore and it seems to be causing so many problems. It's been three years, Charlie should be over Finn and over the kiss, he should be moving on, kissing boys, kissing girls, whatever. But he's not, he's still looking at Finn and wondering 'what if's, dreaming of an alternate universe where everything between them might have worked out okay.
"Earth to Charlie," Finn says waving a hand in front of Charlie's face, "maybe save your thoughts about me naked for another time."
"I – I wasn't – that's not what."
"I know," Finn's tone is more gentle rather than teasing this time, "I was joking. I mean feel free to think about me naked if you want to, I'm not gonna stop you."
"Finn!"
"What? Gotta give Charlie the option."
"I don't think Charlie wants the option, not everyone wants to see you naked, in fact it's the minority of the population. I don't think Charlie is that stupid."
Only Finn sees as Charlie's face begins to heat. Because yes, Charlie is clearly that stupid.
"Come on Charlie back me up," Finn says, "I mean isn't the thought of my naked body amazing, not that you've seen it, but I'm sure you can imagine. You know, six pack, muscular."
"Jesus Christ Finn do you ever shut up?"
"Hey!" Finn replies. "Let Charlie make up his own mind Eliza."
Eliza rolls her eyes and turns to Charlie with raised eyebrows. He knows exactly what she's going to say before the words even come out of her mouth.
"So Charlie, wanna see Finn naked?"
Charlie pauses. Because he's not entirely sure of the honest answer, he knows which answer he should give though. And so he uses that one.
"N-no," Charlie manages to stammer out eventually.
It's clear that Finn knows that he's lying and Charlie feels all the blood rush to his cheeks once again, Finn's face barely able to contain the wide smile that's spreading across it.
"Well now my ego's hurt," Finn says, pouting slightly.
"It's big enough to survive."
-----
The rest of the night proceeds in much the same way. Finn makes regular innuendoes and Charlie tries – fails – not to blush. Charlie finds he doesn't mind it though; it's quite nice to spend time with Finn and his friends. Charlie doesn't feel completely detached as he was worried he might, instead all of them are quite happy to try and integrate him into conversation. And when the evening finally comes to a close, when Charlie is beginning to think that if he doesn't leave now he's going to end up staying up all night, he's very disappointed that it's over.
Finn is happy to walk Charlie back to his dorm despite his protests.
"I'm good," Charlie stammers, tugging at the hem of his shirt.
"We don't want you getting lost already," Finn replies, "I mean, it's only your first day. Don't wanna put you off walking around on your own entirely."
Charlie rolls his eyes as if he's annoyed by Finn's stupidity but he's actually quite glad that Finn is walking him back. And it's nothing to do with the fact that Charlie is worried he won't be able to find his way back – the way is clearly signposted and he's not a complete idiot after all – and all to do with the fact that Charlie is walking with Finn, Finn.
Fifteen year old Charlie is screaming in a heap on the floor. Eighteen year old Charlie is trying desperately not to blush.
"I'm glad you came here," Finn says, "was beginning to think I'd never see you again."
"Yeah," Charlie replies, "I didn't realise you went here."
"So you didn't apply here in a desperate attempt to see me again?" Finn asks, continuing when Charlie shakes his head in response. "Damn, there goes all the fantasies I had about you chasing after me in a fit of passion."
For a moment Charlie thinks Finn might be serious but then he registers the teasing smirk, the mischievous glint in the eyes and he begs his heart to stop beating quite so fast.
"Sorry to ruin them," Charlie tells Finn, "but there was no dramatic act of passion involved, just a coincidence."
"A happy coincidence," Finn corrects, "unless you were planning on avoiding me for the rest of your life."
Charlie knows Finn is joking, knows that he should reply in much the same manner. But Charlie has never been one for easy conversations with boys he thinks are cute, especially when he's worried that they think he's been ignoring them.
"Why would I avoid you?"
"You sure seemed like you were intent on it that summer."
Finn doesn't even need to clarify which summer for Charlie to know what he's on about. It's the summer.
"That was different. That was – We – and then the thing with my dad – and – I wasn't."
"I know," Finn's smile is easy, affectionate, kind, "I didn't mind, I got why, just saying that maybe we could have had some fun if you hadn't."
Charlie knows exactly what kind of fun Finn is referring to.
"I – well – we – you," Charlie stammers.
Finn ignores his response.
"This is your dorm right?"
Charlie looks up at the building, he'd barely registered that they'd stopped walking.
"Yeah," Charlie says eventually, voice slow, "so, uhm, I guess I better go."
"I'll see you around Charlie," Finn replies, "you can't avoid me now I know where you live."
"You knew where I lived before," Charlie points out, voice uncertain.
"And yet you still managed to avoid me, guess I'll have to up my game."
And with that Finn is making his way away from Charlie, pausing to throw Charlie a smile over his shoulder. Charlie watches him go for a few moments before making his way up to his room.
It appears that Charlie's roommate has still not arrived and Charlie is quite glad to have the room to himself. It's late but Charlie isn't quite ready to go to sleep, he feels weirdly restless, he's pacing back and forth with seemingly no destination in mind and he knows he needs to do something to get rid of all of this excess energy. He's not even sure where it's come from, walking up the stairs with his dad earlier Charlie was pretty certain that the best idea would be to fall straight into bed as soon as possible. Now? Not so much.
Eventually Charlie settles on a shower.
At first there's nothing abnormal about it. Charlie washes his body, washes his hair.
And then thoughts of Finn start to infiltrate his mind, and it couldn't possibly be a worse time. Because all of Finn's teasing about Charlie thinking about him naked has now got Charlie thinking about him naked.
Charlie tries to banish the thoughts from his mind, it can only get him in trouble, it can only make everything more dangerous than it already is. But now Charlie is thinking about what would happen if Finn was here in the shower next to him and it doesn't matter how potentially stupid thinking about all of this is, Charlie can't stop. He tries, he really does, he tries to think about his Dad and tries to name as many Disney movies as he can but it's just no use.
He can feel himself getting hard no matter how much Charlie tries to will the thoughts away. He knows that he should not be doing this, that this is wrong on so many levels.
And so Charlie leaves the shower as quickly as he can, gets dressed in his pyjamas and heads to bed, tries to eradicate the thoughts.
It's difficult though when he's still hard, is still thinking of Finn in all sorts of compromising positions.
The room is pitch black, and so Charlie feels a little less guilty when he reaches down and begins to rub himself through his boxers, his other hand traces patterns on the skin of his chest. He needs more though, and so slowly, nervously, Charlie slips his hand into his boxers, imagines it's Finn's hand gripping his erection rather than his own. Almost immediately Charlie lets out a sigh at the contact and before long his boxers are on the floor and he's stroking himself.
Slowly, at first, Charlie's nervous, he's only done this a few times before, always scared that his dad was going to walk in on him, was going to know what he was thinking about. But he soon builds up a rhythm, small regular movements up and down, unable to help emitting small moans as he does so.
If Charlie closes his eyes he can almost imagine it's an intimate moment between Finn and he rather than between him and his own hand. And Charlie can't stop himself when he breathes Finn's name. His feelings are undeniable really, you don't tend to moan someone's name when you're getting yourself off if you're not interested after all.
Charlie's motions quicken, his hand jerking up and down at an even faster pace, body writhing on the bed sheets as he works himself to his climax. He gives his balls some attention, massaging them slightly and thoughts of Finn finally drive him over the edge. Squirts of cum covering his stomach.
He may be alone in the dark, but Charlie still blushes, as if it's an automatic reaction, an inbuilt embarrassment.
And Charlie is embarrassed. How sad must he be to get hard just thinking about another boy, to have to get himself off whilst thinking about him. Charlie can only imagine what Finn would say if he knew, he's either never let Charlie live it down or be disgusted. Charlie hardly thinks either option is particularly desirable.
Charlie quickly decides that he needs another shower. Needs to get rid of any trace of what just happened, needs to scrub himself until he's clean once again.
Soap isn't going to do the trick though, Charlie soon concludes, it doesn't matter how much of it uses, how long he stands underneath the scalding water. He can still feel the taint of what he's just done, of what he's just imagined, can still the memory of it coating his body like neon paint. Charlie doesn't want other people to notice, they can't know.
He stands under the shower for an hour, maybe more, desperately trying to get rid of any remainder of what happened. Charlie can only imagine what his dad would say if he knew, and his dad's right, what Charlie just did is wrong, and Charlie needs to get rid of the dirt, needs to get rid of the stain. It doesn't seem to be working though, it seems Charlie can do nothing.
Charlie feels the tears start to fall before he realises he's crying. The shower's turned off now but he's sat underneath it, knees clutched tightly to his chest.
All Charlie can think about is how stupid he was for believing that university could be the start of something new, that it could be a fresh start. He should have known that no matter where he went, what he wanted was always going to be wrong, that he was always going to be tainted, that what he was, what he wanted, was never going to be okay. Just because his dad's not here doesn't mean he won't find out and Charlie doesn't even want to think of the consequences. Just thinking about last time his dad thought he was regressing makes Charlie curl up tighter, make the tears fall faster.
Charlie rests his head against the coolness of the bathroom tile and tries to stop himself from crying, tries to convince himself that everything isn't spiralling out of control, that everything might somehow work out okay.
It won't though.
Charlie should have known that hanging out with Finn was going to be a bad idea, Finn has always somehow managed to unravel Charlie, managed to convince him that everything he thought was wrong, everything he wanted. might be okay. Charlie never thought he'd kiss a boy until Finn came along, Charlie was certain he'd never touch himself to the thought of a boy until Finn. Finn seems to get under Charlie's skin, work his way past all his defences, make him forget everything that he needs to cling onto.
Finn appears to be Charlie's blind spot. He's unintentionally dangerous. Charlie knows that spending time with him can only make things worse, Finn seems to eradicate most – if not all – of Charlie's self control, is constantly pushing him closer and closer to the edge, to the drop over the cliff face.
From: Finn
You up to much tomorrow?
Charlie contemplates not replying. He knows that it'd be the smart thing to do, that he should just ignore Finn, try to get over whatever this is. That things might be okay if he does that though.
He knows that that would be the sensible thing to do, but somehow Charlie can't bring himself to do it.
To: Finn
Not really. Why?
There's nothing dangerous about answering Finn's question. Charlie tries to tell himself that he's just intrigued as to why Finn is asking. He tries to tell himself that, deep down he knows that's not the truth.
From: Finn
I was wondering if you wanted a tour round campus but obviously I wasn't gonna offer if you already had plans
This is the part where Charlie should ignore Finn, or turn him down at the very least. But he just can't bring himself to do so.
To: Finn
Sure
From: Finn
YES! I'm unreasonably excited to show you around, we're going to have so much fun. I'll pick you up about eleven? We can get lunch whilst we're out
Charlie has to steady his breathing slightly, has to attempt to convince himself that this is going to be okay.
To: Finn
Sure :)
Charlie swears he doesn't actually mean the smiley face, that's he's just being polite.
Charlie is lying to himself.
So far it seems like that hope has been a false one.
Charlie had hoped that university would allow him more freedom, a chance to get away from his father. But his dad is stood close behind him, helping Charlie to carry boxes up a stupid amount of stairs.
"You know I'll be expecting you to come back at the weekends," he says.
Charlie's dad's voice is always loud. Even a whisper sounds like a shout, and his normal speaking voice often seems loud enough to trigger earthquakes. He's practically shouting now, voice reverberating through the floor, through Charlie's bones. Charlie can feel his entire body shake; he can't wait for this feeling to disappear.
"Not every weekend," Charlie replies, voice unusually firm.
"Why not?"
Defiance is not something that Peter Martin is used to dealing with. Most arguments between father and son are dealt with before they even begin, a raised hand is usually enough to stop Charlie disagreeing. At the most it takes a quick hit and Charlie soon quietens down. Now Charlie doesn't even bother replying, they both know he'll agree eventually anyway.
"Fine," Charlie's father concedes in an unusually calm manner, Charlie had expected more of an argument, "regularly though. I'm all alone now you and Matty have moved out."
"You'll survive," Charlie replies simply.
Charlie wonders if this is how the fall out between his brother and his dad happened a couple of years ago. If it all became too much and Matthew couldn't take it anymore. If the jokes his father told became as despised as they are now, if Matthew dreaded the sound of the door opening late in the evening back then as Charlie does now. He'd love to ask Matt, but Matt won't talk about their dad anymore. And so Charlie has learnt to keep quiet around both of them, his Dad won't talk about Matt, Matt won't talk about their dad, it's as if they hope that by pretending the other doesn't exist they can erase the past.
Charlie knows that it doesn't work like that.
"You should probably get going soon," Charlie is aware that his words probably come across as rude but sharing air with his father is starting to feel like sharing air with a fire. It clogs his lungs, makes it difficult to breathe properly.
Charlie's never going to get a fresh start with his dad still around.
"Fine."
"I just meant you might want to get back so you're not driving later when you're tired."
"Uh-huh."
The tension between them feels palpable and Charlie almost wants to retract the words. But he can't. They're true. Charlie just wants to be alone right now, he wants to move in and get to know the people in his dorm. He doesn't want to be his father's son; he wants to be Charlie, university student, procrastinator extraordinaire.
He wants to be himself.
"Well bye then."
It's awkward. Neither of the pair has ever been one for signs of affection and so when Peter Martin initiates a hug both of them aren't entirely sure what to do. Charlie is certain it can't be over quick enough.
"Bye."
"Call me often, and I expect you to be coming home soon," Charlie's father's tone makes it sound like he's joking, Charlie knows that he's not. "seriously Charlie, soon. Can't have you forgetting about me now can we?"
"We can't"
Sometimes Charlie thinks that that's all he wants. To forget about everything. His dad, the fights, every single stupid decision he's made over the past few years. And the kiss. He'd love to forget about the kiss, it keeps him up at night tossing and turning in his bed, constantly wondering what if. Wondering if Finn still thinks about it too. Wondering if, had the kiss never happened, he'd be the same person he is today, if he'd have made the same mistakes again, broken the same hearts, denied the same facts.
That kiss haunts Charlie to this day. As if Finn is still running through his bloodstream. One reminder and Charlie feels like a nervous fifteen year old all over again. Fingers clinging desperately to fabric as if Finn is the lifeboat out at sea, and Charlie is sinking, stranded.
"Charlie?"
"Sorry," Charlie's tuned out, his thoughts elsewhere, he can't let his dad know what he was thinking about, can't risk the repercussions, "I was thinking about how exciting this all is."
It's not a complete lie. It is exciting, it's a fresh start.
"Look at you," Peter Martin says, "my little boy, all grown up."
Charlie doesn't feel all grown up though. Most of the time he feels about two inches tall, as if he could easily be squashed underfoot. Sometimes it's nice, it's nice to go unnoticed, it's nice to be able to watch boys without anyone calling him out, it's nice that it can remain his little secret. Sometimes though Charlie wishes he was bigger, stronger, more confident. Wishes that he was as amazing as all his peers seem to think he is, wishes that standing up to his father was as easy as pretending he doesn't care.
Charlie wishes for a lot of things. They never seem to come true.
"Not quite grown up yet," Charlie replies.
"That's true, you could do with a few more inches."
His dad enjoys making fun of his height. It's a running joke. Hahaha, Charlie is short, hahaha, Charlie is weak, hahaha Charlie is literally half the man I hoped he would be.
Ha – fucking – ha.
"Dad," Charlie says, not even bothering to hide his urgency from his tone, "shouldn't you be going."
"Right. Yeah. I'll see you when you come home. Call me."
And with that Peter Martin turns away, and it's like all the oxygen returns the room. Charlie can breathe freely again, there's no smoke in his lungs, no fear in his heart. He grows a few inches almost instantly, he doesn't feel quite as small when his dad's not around.
All of his boxes are in his room now and Charlie has nothing to do, he's just waiting around for his roommate to arrive. He doesn't mind it though, it's quite nice having nothing to do, to just have the evening stretching out in front of him with nothing planned. Charlie can do anything he wants to do.
He's finally free.
Charlie has thought about this first night for a long time. Has thought about all the things he could possibly do on his first night of no consequences. Charlie has dreamed about the freedom of university since that party three years ago, there's been plenty of time for him to conjure up ideas. He might go out and kiss a girl, might go out and kiss a boy, he might drink so much the world feels like it's spinning or dance until everyone's watching. Tonight could be the night Charlie finally discovers who he really is.
But first he needs food. The growling of his stomach reminds Charlie of that and he's soon pushing himself out of his chair and through the door. It's not difficult to navigate his way through the building but once he's out in the open air Charlie finds it slightly more difficult. Walking through campus before he was more focused on trying not to drop the insanely heavy boxes rather than figuring out where the food is situated at. Now that he thinks about it, Charlie probably had his priorities all wrong
It's not that difficult to find though. Charlie just follows where everyone else seems to be going and soon comes to a place that seems to be drawing all the attention.
"Hey Charlie!"
Charlie would recognise that voice anywhere. It's whispering his name when he's lying awake at night. But he can't be here, he shouldn't be here. This is supposed to be a fresh start.
Spinning around Charlie sees that Finn has barely changed. Sure he's grown taller, got his hair cut short, but he still oozes confidence, still has an easy smile that makes you want to reply yes without waiting for the request.
"Hey," Charlie's voice is weak and he feels like he wouldn't mind if the ground swallowed him up right about now.
"I didn't know you got in here," Finn says.
His tone is light, his smile honest. He genuinely seems thrilled that Charlie is here, and for a moment Charlie feels his heart beat a little bit faster, the rhythm a little more erratic. Just the sight of Finn, the sound of his voice, gets Charlie's pulse racing, makes his breathing quicken. Charlie faintly recalls what Finn's kisses do to him before reminding himself that he's not supposed to be thinking about Finn anymore, not in that context anyway.
Three years is an unhealthy amount of time to be caught up on one stupid night. No matter how earth-shattering and life-changing the kisses you participated in seemed.
"I arrived today."
"Where you staying?"
Charlie gestures in the faint direction of where his halls are. He's too out of it to do much more than that, Finn is here, stood in front of Charlie. Charlie had almost fooled himself into thinking that Finn was someone he had made up, that the kisses were just a result of his hyperactive imagination. But Finn is very real right now, Charlie can see his chest rising and falling as he breathes, can see the way his eyebrows quirk upwards in a teasing manner when he spots Charlie watching.
"Not far from me," the easy smile is still displayed on Finn's face.
Charlie feels like he's perilously close to the edge. Like seeing Finn has brought the emotions back up to the surface, has amplified them so that he feels like he's drowning in them. Like he's standing at the top of a cliff, daring to look over the edge.
"You should come sit with us," Finn says.
He runs a hand over his head, as if the haircut is new and the memory of hair still lingers. And then he drops his gaze to his feet and when his gaze returns to Charlie, Charlie can see that the nervousness he is feeling is mirrored in Finn's eyes.
Charlie falls. Hard, fast, swiftly. Seeing Finn is just reminding him of everything he's tried to forget since Finn left that summer. Charlie has tried to banish the affection, the something more. But it's no use, Finn just has to look at him for it all to come flooding back. Like an unstoppable tide, like a breeze that's suddenly become a hurricane.
"Uhm," Charlie's finding it hard to find words, he needs to string letters together but it's suddenly impossibly difficult – he's still stuck in the free fall – "are you sure that's okay?"
The last thing Charlie wants is for it to be awkward. He's aware that Finn has friends, they're stood watching this exchange after all, and he doesn't want to get in the way if they have something planned. Finn is their friend after all, not his.
To Charlie he's just a boy. The boy.
"Of course it's fine," Finn laughs as if Charlie said something unbelievably stupid and Charlie's cheeks heat, "why wouldn't it be?"
Charlie can hardly say that he was worried all Finn's friends would hate him and so he allows his voice to drop to below a whisper and gives a vague reply.
"I – I don't know."
"Well it is fine. Besides, you gotta meet some new people, make new friends, I can tell you who to avoid, who's likely to steal your lunch money, that kind of thing," Finn's tone is teasing.
A small smile slips onto Charlie's face. It's an accident, he didn't mean to let it show, but he knows Finn notices it.
"Come on then," Finn's grabbing onto the sleeve of Charlie's shirt and leading him through groups of people, Charlie tries to ignore the way that Finn's fingers are brushing against his skin, "I swear they make the food extra good on the first day to give all the newbies some hope."
"Are you saying the food is usually bad?"
"No I'm just saying that you might want to adopt a 'I can cook for cheaper and it'll probably taste better' stance."
"Noted."
"Good."
Once they're seated, food in front of them, Finn pauses before eating to offer the kind of smile that seems like it could solve anything. The kind of smile that makes Charlie think that Finn has the entire world's happiness locked up inside of him ready to burst out at any moment.
"So long time no see huh," Finn says.
"Something like that."
"I mean the last time was when your dad told me I was going to hell," Charlie is surprised by the flippant tone with which Finn is talking about this, "but then again, that wasn't exactly a onetime thing."
"Sorry."
Charlie feels like he's constantly apologising, either for his dad's flaws or his own.
"Not your fault your dad is a dick. Sorry, he is your dad."
Charlie still feels like he should be apologising. Like he should have stuck up for Finn or like he shouldn't even be talking to his dad anymore. Charlie is pretty sure that there's something he should have done, even if he doesn't know what it is just yet.
"It's fine," Charlie says with a shake of his head, "I mean he was a dick to you."
"He was a dick to you."
Charlie's not sure how but it's clear that Finn knows. Matthew probably told him, or he maybe figured it out for himself, Finn's cleverer than he looks, in fact Charlie always forgets how smart Finn really is, how well he manages to disguise it with all his joking around. However Finn found out, it's clear in his worrying, pitying gaze that he knows.
Charlie decides ignorance is the best policy.
"What do you mean?"
Finn's eyes narrow slightly, he knows Charlie is feigning not knowing what he's on about but he drops the subject none the less.
Charlie breathes a deep sigh of relief, that is not something he wants to be getting into right now. Or ever, to be perfectly honest.
"So Finn," Finn's friends have finally piped up, Charlie is glad for the distraction, "who is this guy?"
There's no malice in the boy's tone, instead his smile is easy, as infectious as Finn's. But whilst Finn's suggest secrets and dares, this boy's makes me look like a puppy or something equally as adorable. It makes him look loyal, trustworthy, cute.
Not as cute as Finn though...
Charlie should not be thinking these thoughts. Especially not right now. Charlie should be thinking about how beautiful the girl on Finn's right is, should not be registering the way that Finn's t-shirt clings to his torso, should not be thinking about how Finn's lips would feel pressed against his. Charlie's eyes should not be tracing every curve of Finn's body, thinking about pressing their bodies together, virtually no space between them.
Charlie should not be thinking about any of that. But he is.
"You okay?"
Clearly he's zoned out, but Charlie tries to stop the redness from rising to his cheeks and instead nods.
"This is Charlie," Finn continues, a slight teasing smile on his face as if he knows exactly what Charlie was thinking about, "he's one of the few awesome people from back home. Comic book nerd, lover of early 2000s school disco hits, pretty sure he's secretly an evil mastermind, once told me to get a grip when I cut my finger open and can fit 40 malteasers into his mouth."
Charlie can't stop the blushing now.
"You remember that?"
"Of course I do, it was you sticking balls in your mouth, it's the kind of memory that sticks with you."
"Finn!" Is all Charlie can exclaim.
"What? You can't be mad at me for telling you the truth."
Charlie is pretty sure his cheeks have never been so red.
"Just – I – You."
"You'll get there eventually," Finn teases, "but just so you know, you can try sticking my balls in your mouth anytime."
Finally, one of Finn's friends decides to speak up.
"For god's sake Finn, shut up, you're making everyone uncomfortable. "All of this is accompanied by a roll of her eyes. "Nice to meet you Charlie, I'm Eliza. Unfortunately for you you've already met Finn, but there's more of us and luckily we're not as annoying. That's Leo," Eliza gestures to a brunette, "Becca," a raven haired girl with a stud through her nose, "and Ollie." The last boy offers Charlie an easy smile and a wave.
Charlie nods. He knows he should be making an effort to remember all the names but instead he's too busy trying to figure out why any of them are making an effort to talk to him. Charlie has never exactly been unpopular, has spend of his life hanging on the edges of the 'in-crowd' but he's never really been picked as a friend either, he usually comes as a tag-along. If they want to be friends with Charlie's friends then they have to be friends with Charlie too sort of thing.
"So yeah," Eliza says, "if you ignore Finn we're not that bad a group of people to hang out with."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Finn asks. "I am an awesome person to know."
"That might be so, but you're not so awesome when you introduce a guy by telling him how much you like thinking about him in compromising positions," Eliza points out.
"You mean that's not the way to make friends?"
Another roll of the eyes from Eliza, Charlie has to hold in a giggle.
"No Finn, that's not the way to make friends."
Finn pouts and Charlie thinks that his heart might actually be about to burst. Because all of these feeling for Finn he's kept carefully contained are suddenly starting to threaten to overflow. It's been three years, Charlie really should be over the kiss, but somehow he's not. Somehow seeing Finn has just made it clearer how not over him Charlie really is.
A kiss really should not cause this many feelings, a kiss really should not cause this many conflicted emotions, should not cause so many problems.
Somehow though, it has.
Charlie imagines that if he had shared the kiss with anyone else then he would be over it by now. But there's something about Finn, something in his smile and the secretive glimmer in his gaze every time he catches Charlie's eye. There's something about Finn that Charlie just can't ignore and it seems to be causing so many problems. It's been three years, Charlie should be over Finn and over the kiss, he should be moving on, kissing boys, kissing girls, whatever. But he's not, he's still looking at Finn and wondering 'what if's, dreaming of an alternate universe where everything between them might have worked out okay.
"Earth to Charlie," Finn says waving a hand in front of Charlie's face, "maybe save your thoughts about me naked for another time."
"I – I wasn't – that's not what."
"I know," Finn's tone is more gentle rather than teasing this time, "I was joking. I mean feel free to think about me naked if you want to, I'm not gonna stop you."
"Finn!"
"What? Gotta give Charlie the option."
"I don't think Charlie wants the option, not everyone wants to see you naked, in fact it's the minority of the population. I don't think Charlie is that stupid."
Only Finn sees as Charlie's face begins to heat. Because yes, Charlie is clearly that stupid.
"Come on Charlie back me up," Finn says, "I mean isn't the thought of my naked body amazing, not that you've seen it, but I'm sure you can imagine. You know, six pack, muscular."
"Jesus Christ Finn do you ever shut up?"
"Hey!" Finn replies. "Let Charlie make up his own mind Eliza."
Eliza rolls her eyes and turns to Charlie with raised eyebrows. He knows exactly what she's going to say before the words even come out of her mouth.
"So Charlie, wanna see Finn naked?"
Charlie pauses. Because he's not entirely sure of the honest answer, he knows which answer he should give though. And so he uses that one.
"N-no," Charlie manages to stammer out eventually.
It's clear that Finn knows that he's lying and Charlie feels all the blood rush to his cheeks once again, Finn's face barely able to contain the wide smile that's spreading across it.
"Well now my ego's hurt," Finn says, pouting slightly.
"It's big enough to survive."
-----
The rest of the night proceeds in much the same way. Finn makes regular innuendoes and Charlie tries – fails – not to blush. Charlie finds he doesn't mind it though; it's quite nice to spend time with Finn and his friends. Charlie doesn't feel completely detached as he was worried he might, instead all of them are quite happy to try and integrate him into conversation. And when the evening finally comes to a close, when Charlie is beginning to think that if he doesn't leave now he's going to end up staying up all night, he's very disappointed that it's over.
Finn is happy to walk Charlie back to his dorm despite his protests.
"I'm good," Charlie stammers, tugging at the hem of his shirt.
"We don't want you getting lost already," Finn replies, "I mean, it's only your first day. Don't wanna put you off walking around on your own entirely."
Charlie rolls his eyes as if he's annoyed by Finn's stupidity but he's actually quite glad that Finn is walking him back. And it's nothing to do with the fact that Charlie is worried he won't be able to find his way back – the way is clearly signposted and he's not a complete idiot after all – and all to do with the fact that Charlie is walking with Finn, Finn.
Fifteen year old Charlie is screaming in a heap on the floor. Eighteen year old Charlie is trying desperately not to blush.
"I'm glad you came here," Finn says, "was beginning to think I'd never see you again."
"Yeah," Charlie replies, "I didn't realise you went here."
"So you didn't apply here in a desperate attempt to see me again?" Finn asks, continuing when Charlie shakes his head in response. "Damn, there goes all the fantasies I had about you chasing after me in a fit of passion."
For a moment Charlie thinks Finn might be serious but then he registers the teasing smirk, the mischievous glint in the eyes and he begs his heart to stop beating quite so fast.
"Sorry to ruin them," Charlie tells Finn, "but there was no dramatic act of passion involved, just a coincidence."
"A happy coincidence," Finn corrects, "unless you were planning on avoiding me for the rest of your life."
Charlie knows Finn is joking, knows that he should reply in much the same manner. But Charlie has never been one for easy conversations with boys he thinks are cute, especially when he's worried that they think he's been ignoring them.
"Why would I avoid you?"
"You sure seemed like you were intent on it that summer."
Finn doesn't even need to clarify which summer for Charlie to know what he's on about. It's the summer.
"That was different. That was – We – and then the thing with my dad – and – I wasn't."
"I know," Finn's smile is easy, affectionate, kind, "I didn't mind, I got why, just saying that maybe we could have had some fun if you hadn't."
Charlie knows exactly what kind of fun Finn is referring to.
"I – well – we – you," Charlie stammers.
Finn ignores his response.
"This is your dorm right?"
Charlie looks up at the building, he'd barely registered that they'd stopped walking.
"Yeah," Charlie says eventually, voice slow, "so, uhm, I guess I better go."
"I'll see you around Charlie," Finn replies, "you can't avoid me now I know where you live."
"You knew where I lived before," Charlie points out, voice uncertain.
"And yet you still managed to avoid me, guess I'll have to up my game."
And with that Finn is making his way away from Charlie, pausing to throw Charlie a smile over his shoulder. Charlie watches him go for a few moments before making his way up to his room.
It appears that Charlie's roommate has still not arrived and Charlie is quite glad to have the room to himself. It's late but Charlie isn't quite ready to go to sleep, he feels weirdly restless, he's pacing back and forth with seemingly no destination in mind and he knows he needs to do something to get rid of all of this excess energy. He's not even sure where it's come from, walking up the stairs with his dad earlier Charlie was pretty certain that the best idea would be to fall straight into bed as soon as possible. Now? Not so much.
Eventually Charlie settles on a shower.
At first there's nothing abnormal about it. Charlie washes his body, washes his hair.
And then thoughts of Finn start to infiltrate his mind, and it couldn't possibly be a worse time. Because all of Finn's teasing about Charlie thinking about him naked has now got Charlie thinking about him naked.
Charlie tries to banish the thoughts from his mind, it can only get him in trouble, it can only make everything more dangerous than it already is. But now Charlie is thinking about what would happen if Finn was here in the shower next to him and it doesn't matter how potentially stupid thinking about all of this is, Charlie can't stop. He tries, he really does, he tries to think about his Dad and tries to name as many Disney movies as he can but it's just no use.
He can feel himself getting hard no matter how much Charlie tries to will the thoughts away. He knows that he should not be doing this, that this is wrong on so many levels.
And so Charlie leaves the shower as quickly as he can, gets dressed in his pyjamas and heads to bed, tries to eradicate the thoughts.
It's difficult though when he's still hard, is still thinking of Finn in all sorts of compromising positions.
The room is pitch black, and so Charlie feels a little less guilty when he reaches down and begins to rub himself through his boxers, his other hand traces patterns on the skin of his chest. He needs more though, and so slowly, nervously, Charlie slips his hand into his boxers, imagines it's Finn's hand gripping his erection rather than his own. Almost immediately Charlie lets out a sigh at the contact and before long his boxers are on the floor and he's stroking himself.
Slowly, at first, Charlie's nervous, he's only done this a few times before, always scared that his dad was going to walk in on him, was going to know what he was thinking about. But he soon builds up a rhythm, small regular movements up and down, unable to help emitting small moans as he does so.
If Charlie closes his eyes he can almost imagine it's an intimate moment between Finn and he rather than between him and his own hand. And Charlie can't stop himself when he breathes Finn's name. His feelings are undeniable really, you don't tend to moan someone's name when you're getting yourself off if you're not interested after all.
Charlie's motions quicken, his hand jerking up and down at an even faster pace, body writhing on the bed sheets as he works himself to his climax. He gives his balls some attention, massaging them slightly and thoughts of Finn finally drive him over the edge. Squirts of cum covering his stomach.
He may be alone in the dark, but Charlie still blushes, as if it's an automatic reaction, an inbuilt embarrassment.
And Charlie is embarrassed. How sad must he be to get hard just thinking about another boy, to have to get himself off whilst thinking about him. Charlie can only imagine what Finn would say if he knew, he's either never let Charlie live it down or be disgusted. Charlie hardly thinks either option is particularly desirable.
Charlie quickly decides that he needs another shower. Needs to get rid of any trace of what just happened, needs to scrub himself until he's clean once again.
Soap isn't going to do the trick though, Charlie soon concludes, it doesn't matter how much of it uses, how long he stands underneath the scalding water. He can still feel the taint of what he's just done, of what he's just imagined, can still the memory of it coating his body like neon paint. Charlie doesn't want other people to notice, they can't know.
He stands under the shower for an hour, maybe more, desperately trying to get rid of any remainder of what happened. Charlie can only imagine what his dad would say if he knew, and his dad's right, what Charlie just did is wrong, and Charlie needs to get rid of the dirt, needs to get rid of the stain. It doesn't seem to be working though, it seems Charlie can do nothing.
Charlie feels the tears start to fall before he realises he's crying. The shower's turned off now but he's sat underneath it, knees clutched tightly to his chest.
All Charlie can think about is how stupid he was for believing that university could be the start of something new, that it could be a fresh start. He should have known that no matter where he went, what he wanted was always going to be wrong, that he was always going to be tainted, that what he was, what he wanted, was never going to be okay. Just because his dad's not here doesn't mean he won't find out and Charlie doesn't even want to think of the consequences. Just thinking about last time his dad thought he was regressing makes Charlie curl up tighter, make the tears fall faster.
Charlie rests his head against the coolness of the bathroom tile and tries to stop himself from crying, tries to convince himself that everything isn't spiralling out of control, that everything might somehow work out okay.
It won't though.
Charlie should have known that hanging out with Finn was going to be a bad idea, Finn has always somehow managed to unravel Charlie, managed to convince him that everything he thought was wrong, everything he wanted. might be okay. Charlie never thought he'd kiss a boy until Finn came along, Charlie was certain he'd never touch himself to the thought of a boy until Finn. Finn seems to get under Charlie's skin, work his way past all his defences, make him forget everything that he needs to cling onto.
Finn appears to be Charlie's blind spot. He's unintentionally dangerous. Charlie knows that spending time with him can only make things worse, Finn seems to eradicate most – if not all – of Charlie's self control, is constantly pushing him closer and closer to the edge, to the drop over the cliff face.
From: Finn
You up to much tomorrow?
Charlie contemplates not replying. He knows that it'd be the smart thing to do, that he should just ignore Finn, try to get over whatever this is. That things might be okay if he does that though.
He knows that that would be the sensible thing to do, but somehow Charlie can't bring himself to do it.
To: Finn
Not really. Why?
There's nothing dangerous about answering Finn's question. Charlie tries to tell himself that he's just intrigued as to why Finn is asking. He tries to tell himself that, deep down he knows that's not the truth.
From: Finn
I was wondering if you wanted a tour round campus but obviously I wasn't gonna offer if you already had plans
This is the part where Charlie should ignore Finn, or turn him down at the very least. But he just can't bring himself to do so.
To: Finn
Sure
From: Finn
YES! I'm unreasonably excited to show you around, we're going to have so much fun. I'll pick you up about eleven? We can get lunch whilst we're out
Charlie has to steady his breathing slightly, has to attempt to convince himself that this is going to be okay.
To: Finn
Sure :)
Charlie swears he doesn't actually mean the smiley face, that's he's just being polite.
Charlie is lying to himself.
End of Lost Boy Chapter 2. Continue reading Chapter 3 or return to Lost Boy book page.