Lost Boy - Chapter 20: Chapter 20

As Eliza knocks on the door Charlie's world starts spiralling out of control and he's falling so far and so fast that he's sure he must be headed towards the earth's core.
He hears the sounds of the lock being undone and he feels sweat begin to coat his palms.
The door opens slowly and it's like his heart has suddenly been sent into overdrive, like a million butterflies have been set loose in his stomach.
Seeing Finn's face sends tingles through his nerves and Charlie can't help the small smile that captures his lips. Somehow, still, seeing Finn makes him relax; makes him able to stand a little straighter and feel a little taller. It's infuriating and pleasant all at once, why should a mere boy have this power over Charlie, the ability to raise or destroy him in a single breath.
"Eliza?" Surprise lingers in Finn's voice.
"Hey! So, Charlie has something he'd like to say to you."
Finn looks over Eliza's shoulder and notices the group of boys stood behind her. Charlie is just amazed that he doesn't shut the door straight away.
In fact Finn takes a moment to drink Charlie in. Gaze lingering on the bruises ringing his eyes and the way his hands are shaking. In that moment Charlie realises that Finn has missed him just as much as he's missed Finn. And maybe that means he has a chance, it makes something stir deep in Charlie's chest.
"Hey." Charlie speaks so quietly that he has to take a step closer so that Finn can hear him.
"Hey."
"I, uhm, didn't really wanna come here. But Eliza and Dan and Jonah made me."
Finn's expression morphs into one of shock when he recognises the two boys stood by Charlie's side, probably wondering what has changed since he last spoke to them all, back when Daniel and Jonah seemed to hate Charlie and things didn't look like they were ever going to work out.
"We've, uh, worked things out I guess," Charlie continues, somewhat nervously.
"Good."
Finn honestly sounds like he'd rather be anywhere else than here with Charlie stood on his doorstep and for a moment Charlie feels bad, for intruding on his life like this. But then Charlie focuses on his erratic heartbeat and the underlying concern in Finn's eyes that shows he still cares. And he decides right there and then that this is not something that deserves to be given up on, maybe they'll never be the same and maybe Finn will never forgive him but Charlie has to at least tell the other boy the truth, he'd rather speak his mind now than spend the rest of his life with the words eating his brain alive.
"I need to talk to you."
Charlie doesn't say want because it's not just something he'd like anymore, it's something he needs, like the oxygen in his lungs and the blood in his veins. He needs to talk to Finn and not even about anything in particular. He wants to ask him how his day has been, whether one of his professors is still hitting on him. He wants to hear about every stupid little detail of Finn's life that he's missed out on over the past few days, every minute detail of his days, just so he can check that Finn is still the boy he left behind.
Charlie needs to make sure that Finn is the kind and sweet boy he knew, the one who threaded a crown of daisies for him and calls him sunshine and holds his hand whenever things get hard, even if they're just as hard on him. Charlie needs to know that Finn isn't that boy from the other night, the one with the cruel smirk and knife-like words, who swung insults like punches and spoke truths without whispering or making sure Charlie was okay with hearing them said allowed.
And maybe it was good to finally see that Finn, for both of them to stop skirting around the edges of a conversation that is unavoidable. Maybe there needs to be more shouting and harsh words and wondering where it all went wrong in order for them to get everything out in the open and finally move on.
"I guess I'm free," Finn replies.
"Maybe you guys should, uh, go," Charlie suggests to the group still stood behind him.
They all nod in agreement but it takes them a few seconds to actually leave, it's as if now they've guided him here they want to stay to watch the end result. Charlie feels like this is a conversation better had in private though.
"Come inside." Finn steps back to let Charlie past.
Things have never been this awkward between them. Even during drunken fights they both knew where they stood and now it's like they're back to square one, like they're just two strangers who happen to have fallen into each other's lives.
They started off like that though, so maybe they can get back to where they used to be.
"Did you really go back there?"
There's no need for Finn to explain further, Charlie's fingers stray to his bruises without a second thought.
"Yeah."
"What happened?"
"I told him I was gay," Charlie says steadily, "that I had a boyfriend and if he wasn't okay with that then I was leaving."
"I'm guessing he didn't take it well."
"No Finn," Charlie can't help but say sarcastically, "this is a result of a punch of happiness."
A small smile takes over Finn's features and Charlie is so glad that he's the one to put it there; he'd been worried that he'd never manage it again.
"Sorry," Finn says with a small laugh, "just checking."
"It's fine. But no, he didn't take it well at all really."
"You okay?"
"I think I'd given up on him long before I told him that."
"It's okay to miss him you know."
"I know," Charlie says, "but I don't. I mean I miss the idea of him, the idea of a kind loving father. And I miss my bedroom and I miss the den but I don't really miss him. I think I hate too much of him for that."
Finn stays silent for a few moments, then he slowly extends his fingers and trails the pad of his thumb along the bruise under Charlie's eye.
"I'm sorry for what I said," Finn whispers, "I mean I meant some of it, deep down I think I meant most of it. But I shouldn't have said it like that."
"I'm sorry for not telling you."
"It's okay, I mean we weren't really anything, it wasn't my right to be told anything."
"We were something Finn," Charlie replies, "you can't deny that we were something."
A fatal collision of shooting stars, a mess of twisted limbs, a crash and a bang and an inevitable ending. Two boys clasping on too tightly as they're being ripped apart. They were definitely something.
"I'm sorry. I just don't think I can stand here and listen to you make excuses. I get that you grew up with your Dad and I get that you were probably lost and didn't know what to do, but you could have told me. Because if you'd have told the truth from the start I would have believed you, but now you've been lying to me for so long how do I know this isn't just another one?"
Charlie's feels his heart shrivel and fall to pieces all over again. He can deal with an angry Finn, whose screaming at him because he doesn't know better and doesn't know what he's on about. But Charlie cannot deal with this Finn who seems to have already given up, his quiet voice speaking words that Charlie can't deny.
"You can't." Charlie admits. "You're kind of just going to have to trust me."
"I tried that before, it didn't end too well."
These bitter words in a calm tone are nearly the end of Charlie but he forces his feet to stay rooted to the spot, he can't run away, not again.
"Just give me a chance to explain myself. I'm not asking for anything more. I know I fucked things up between us and I know you deserve better than me and I know that there's nothing I can say that will convince you to take me back, but let me explain. I know what I did was shitty, but I just, Daniel didn't know everything when we spoke and I'm not saying it makes up for it, I just wanna show you that it wasn't all so simple."
"Your dad right?"
"Yeah."
"I know what you've been through Charlie, but that doesn't mean you can use him as an excuse every time you do something wrong."
"You know what I've been through?"
"I grew up without a parent around too."
"You grew up without them being around. I grew up in a house where there was no point in talking when a punch could get the message across just as well. My thirteenth birthday present was a broken arm for asking my Dad if I was allowed a party. You think you get it Finn, you think my Dad wasn't around and that a fight was something that happened a little too often. It wasn't like that."
"How do you expect me to understand when you don't tell me anything? You keep so many secrets Charlie and I'm just, I'm just trying to get my head around everything. Work out which bits were lies and which bits were just secrets you didn't want to divulge."
"The only thing I lied about was Daniel. Nothing with you was ever a lie," Charlie says solemnly.
"Fuck. We're a mess."
"I'd rather be a mess with you than perfect with someone else."
"Really?"
"Well. Depends who the someone else was," Charlie says slightly, "I might reconsider if it was Troye Sivan."
Finn lets out a small laugh and sinks down to the floor, his back pressed against the wall. Charlie takes a seat next to him and the two of them both stare at their hands as if they offer all the answers.
"I don't know what to do," Finn admits, "I love you Charlie, still. But I don't know why, this just bothers me so much. My brain just can't compute that you could do something like that, it's like my whole view of you has shifted. Like someone new is writing your story or some poetic shit. I don't know what to do."
Charlie stays silent, knows it's important for Finn to get this all out.
"I want to say that everything is going to be okay and nothing is going to change but I don't know if that's true. Do you think we rushed this?"
"A minute ago you didn't think there was a 'this' to rush."
"There's a this, I just don't know if it was a something."
Charlie rolls his eyes.
"You know what I always say, if you're going to do something, do it, there's no point in half-assing anything. And maybe things between us were quick and we didn't think but I didn't need to think, I knew that I wanted to be with you, I still want to be with you."
"What happened with Daniel?"
"What do you mean?"
"Tell me everything."
"The condensed version?"
"Sure whatever."
Finn places his head on Charlie's shoulder as if Charlie is about to tell a bedtime story and Charlie feels his heart beat in this strange broken way.
"I had thought he was cute for a while, I used to see him hanging out at this cupcake shop. Finally worked up the courage to message him, we became friends, everything was great. I told him I was gay, we kissed, then my Dad found out."
"And?"
"And," Charlie continues, "he was pissed. Threatened to hurt us both if I didn't break things off, I told him it was prank."
"Charlie-."
"I'm an idiot, I know."
"I don't know what to do with you anymore," Finn says, "it's like every time you find a way to be happy you decide to fuck it all up."
"I'm sorry."
"And I guess," Finn continues as if Charlie never spoke, "I'm just scared if we get back together, even if things are good for a while, we'll still find a way to fall apart again. I'm worried you're always going to be scared of what he thinks."
"He's not a part of my life anymore; you don't seem to understand this Finn. I gave it all up for you, I'm sick of him holding me back from what I want. And I know I've done some stupid things, and I know I don't deserve forgiveness or a second chance. But I'm trying to be a better person, I cut my Dad out of my life and I reached out to Daniel and I've told the truth so much recently. And now I've fucked things up with you and it's like I'm back to square one because I don't know how to fix it."
"Maybe you can't fix it."
"You think I've broken things between us that much?"
"Maybe it was already broken to begin with. We're hardly normal boys, you've got baggage with your Dad and I've got baggage from my parents, neither of us are perfectly functioning human beings. I guess things were never going to work out normally, I mean you were scared of falling in love with a boy and I was scared of falling in love, it was never going to work out the way fairytales do."
"Are you giving up on me?" Charlie asks, voice timid.
"I don't know what I'm doing," Finn admits, "I think I just need a little while longer. I like you and I like spending time with you, but maybe we should take a break. I love you Charlie, but when I'm with you you're all I can think about and maybe I got so wrapped up in what was good about us that I didn't notice we were pulling away from everything else. I haven't been studying as much as I should, and fuck Charlie have you even made any other friends here? We can't depend on each other, it's just not healthy."
"So what are we doing then?"
"We're taking a break, stepping back, breathing properly. I don't know, I just think it's best if we stop being us for a little while."
"Oh."
The shards of Charlie's heart are cutting up his insides and the worst thing is that he knows Finn is right. Charlie feels a little bit lost without Finn, but it shouldn't be that way. It's one thing to love a person, it's completely another to need them. And it's not healthy and it's not fun, it just hurts when they're taken away.
They were a collision of limbs and love, and now they're heading in different directions. But the facts that their paths have crossed once means it can happen again. So Charlie isn't going to write the two of them off just yet.
And maybe this is the right thing after all. Because Charlie's only just starting to notice Finn's flaws as well as everything he loves about him. Because whilst Charlie had hoped that Finn could anchor him to something real, he's starting to realise that Finn is a boy running scared just like Charlie is. They're both a little bit lost, and they've shown each other how to be found.
Charlie supposes it's a bit like growing out of an old jumper, he needs to put it to one side. And maybe later, when he's grown a bit more he'll pick up the same jumper in a different size and he'll remember exactly why he was so hung up on giving it away in the first place.
But right now he and Finn have moulded each other into people that they're not sure how to handle and Charlie's only just realised that he can anchor himself to something real. Finn needs to come to terms with what Charlie did and needs to come to terms with the idea that love doesn't have to have an end. And Charlie needs to realise that giving up and moving on are parts of life, that it's okay to move on from those you love if they're just not right for you anymore, or, as is the case now, they're just not right for this moment in your life.
Saying goodbye doesn't last forever, it doesn't have to be the end.
So Charlie presses his lips to Finn's, hands loped around his neck. And it's not a hello or a desperate, last ditch attempt to win him back. It's a goodbye, and a thank you, and a see you soon.
"What if this is a terrible idea?" Finn asks.
"Then we can laugh about this all in a few weeks time."
"I just, we rushed into this and I thought it was what I wanted, hell, it was what I wanted. But maybe it wasn't what I needed. I've fucked up too, I said some horrible things, I think I was just so upset that I'd finally let my guard down and then it felt like you were proving me right about how that was a bad idea."
"You gotta let people in Finn," Charlie says, "relationships aren't destined to end and people aren't destined to leave, you've just got to give them a chance."
"You've gotta let people go Charlie," Finn says, his tone teasing but serious, "like with your Dad. Just because they're what you've always known doesn't mean they're the best thing you're going to get."
Finn presses another chaste kiss to Charlie's lips.
Maybe, maybe, things might work out between them.
Sometime in the future when Finn's learnt to love without fear and Charlie's learnt to love himself. When they meet at Matthew's wedding and Finn tells Charlie that the two of them were one of the best things that ever happened to him and Charlie's heart beats exactly the way it used to do.
"You shouldn't have let him hit you, or you should have at least let me come with you," Finn says after a moment, his head resting on Charlie's shoulder.
"It's fine."
"It's not fine, your Dad hit you and he was a dick and I don't get why you stuck around."
"People change Finn," Charlie says, referring not just to his Father, "and I guess I wanted to stick around in case he needed me, in case things got better."
"As opposed to what?"
"Running away in case things might get worse."
And Charlie's not just referring to the alternative, he's referring to the fact that Finn can't be in a relationship without wondering who's going to be the first to walk away. He doesn't believe in a love that lasts without being thrown away or stolen from you.
"Tell me about your Dad," Charlie says.
And Finn regales him with his stories of his childhood, of the love he has for his parents who were taken away. He tells Charlie all about the treehouse he used to pretend was a rocket ship, about the dinosaur cookies he and his Dad used to make every Friday night ready for the weekend, of his Mum showing him how to take apart a car and put it back together better than ever when he was nine years old. And then he talks about the night when his heart was ripped in too, when the sky was so dark they couldn't tell where the road ended and the cliff edge began.
Finn cries and Charlie cries and Charlie finally manages to push together all the pieces that make Finn up. And suddenly there are no more masks and Finn's not an actor anymore, he's just a boy that's as lost and as broken as Charlie is.
He's spent months being the strong one, being the person trying to push the two of them in the right direction and Charlie hadn't realised how much it had taken out of Finn. Charlie had spent so long falling in love with Finn he'd forgotten about his kaleidoscope of personalities, had been happy to let him pretend instead of forcing his way deeper past the defences.
And so this is the real Finn. A boy who still isn't over the death of his parents nine years later, who still hurts and still doesn't know how to love without getting ready to leave at the smallest sign of trouble. He's a boy who paints on a smile and waltzes around like he's living the dream but he hurts deep down inside. Charlie wishes he'd realised this sooner, because he realises now that Finn needed him just as much as he needed Finn, maybe more. They're both so lost and so broken, and they both hoped that the other could put them back together and make them a home.
And look where that's left them.
They're too boys who are starting to wonder if you should rely on no one but yourself to make you whole again. Why build a new you for someone else, when you're the one who needs it? Maybe other people are just there to help you along your way.
"I should probably go," Charlie says, untangling their limbs.
"I'll call you. Soon."
And it's a promise not a suggestion, this isn't the end. They're putting themselves on pause so that they don't get too carried away in each other. They need to take a step back and revaluate the world they left behind. Find a way to fit into each other's lives without taking over.
They've both hurt and been hurt. They've both dealt harsh words and been on the end of knife like sentences. Right now what they were is somewhat broken, and they need to step back, breathe, and let their hearts heal.
"I'll be waiting."
Charlie doesn't think he'll ever stop waiting for Finn, even when he's old and grey and should have long since moved on.
A shared secret smile, their hands brushing and then Charlie is walking out the door before he loses the courage to go. Before his fluttering heart forces him to stay, to kiss Finn one more time, and then another time, and another, till he never leaves and things never change.
Finn needs to stop running and Charlie needs to stop staying and the two of them just need their own space for a little while.
"How did it go?" Daniel asks.
He, Jonah and Eliza are all sat on the bench opposite Finn's dorm looking somewhat expectant, but Daniel looks concerned as Charlie steps through the doorway.
"It went good."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Everything's okay."
And for the first time Charlie feels like he's telling the truth when he says that. Everything is okay, it's not great or perfect, it's okay. It's learning that love is a fickle thing with no easy remedy and sometimes the kindest thing you can do for those you love is remove yourself from the picture long enough for them to find themselves.
"Why are you crying?" Eliza asks, worried. "Do I need to beat him up for you?"
"Just because everything is okay doesn't mean I have to be happy about it."