Lost Boy - Chapter 6: Chapter 6

"You know the world is a scary place Martin."
Charlie and Finn are sprawled out on the ground, trying to avoid the strange looks from passersbys. The late September sunshine is bathing their legs in warmth, their heads caught underneath the shadow of the tree above.
"And why's that?" Charlie says, half sighing, half curious.
"It just is," Finn replies, "I mean it's terrifying to think about how potentially horrendous the future could work out, I mean the sun is going to explode some day," Charlie rolls his eyes, "and there's some weird shit at the bottom of the ocean, and we don't even know if that's all or if there's some creepier things down there. And space is so big and just scary."
"Have you had a drink?"
"No!" Finn exclaims. "I don't know I was just thinking about constellations."
"What about them?" Charlie asks.
"Well they don't look like anything, and yet we've named them, and some of them are a stretch to say the least. And when I was little I used to think there was a monster that lived under my bed, and the thought scared the crap out of me, and then my Dad named him and it was a little less scary. And so maybe we gave the constellations names, cause at least then we could pretend we knew something about what was out there."
"Are you comparing naming constellations to naming the monster under your bed?"
"You better believe it."
"What did you call him then?"
"Tommy. Well actually Thomas Ellington the Second, but we figured as he lived under my bed I could give him a nickname."
"The second?"
"We liked to think he had a family," Finn replies, sounding slightly embarrassed.
"Ellington?"
"One of my Dad's favourite musicians."
"Do you miss him?" Charlie asks, instantly cursing his own mouth.
Finn doesn't seem surprised by Charlie's question though, instead the brilliant smile falters just a little bit and he lets out a little sigh, his brow furrowing.
"So damn much, I guess I'm kind of used to it and it's kind of faded to some sort of dull ache. But sometimes there are moments, and memories come back to me so clearly and I can't even explain how much it hurts. Shit, sorry, not what you asked."
"It's okay," Charlie says, "I get it, I mean I don't get it cause I can't say I've been in your situation but I get how it might feel."
He's aware that he's rambling but he can't seem to stop. Unsure whether he's making the situation better or worse, Charlie slowly decides to trail off, his voice dropping quieter until he reaches silence.
"It's really shitty," Finn tells Charlie, "and I'd appreciate it if we could leave it there."
"Of course. But you know, if you ever want to talk about it then I'm your man."
"And if I don't wanna think about it and wanna fuck the grief the away are you my man?"
Charlie's gaze drops and he blushes. Reduced to a stammering mess once again, whereas a smirk has finally reappeared on Finn's face.
"I maintain that you look cute when you blush."
"And I maintain that you're a dick."
"Wow Charlie, strong words there."
"Sorry," Charlie mumbles, but he can't keep a small smile from his face.
"I wasn't disagreeing."
"You're not a dick, just a pain in the arse sometimes."
Finn's eyebrows raise upwards in a suggestive manner.
"What can I say? I quite like to be on top."
Finn expects Charlie to be reduced to his usual blushing and stammering mess but instead he turns, blonde locks beginning to fall into his eyes, and offers Finn a devilish smirk that makes Finn feel almost like he's looking in a mirror.
"Well I'm pretty flexible."
Finn nearly chokes on air. He's come to learn to savour moments like these, moments where Charlie acts as if there's nothing wrong with something happening between the two of them. Finn has learnt to savour them because he knows they'll soon be long gone, all it takes is a small reminder, and Charlie retreats into himself once again.
Eventually Finn manages to clear his throat so that the words can form.
"Physically flexible or flexible about the position?"
Finn's voice is almost hoarse, he cannot believe that they are having this conversation, that Charlie is willing to have this conversation, wonders how long it can possibly last.
"Let's just go with both."
"Both?"
"Both," Charlie confirms.
"Physically flexible?"
"Mum forced me into gymnastics remember."
"Flexible about position?"
"Well I wouldn't really know either way."
"Oh. Yeah," Finn's words come out as almost chokes, he can't contain his surprise.
"Is there a problem?"
"Nope. No problem at all."
A smile takes over Charlie's face that captures every single one of his features, his eyes shine slightly, his lips widen and Finn resists the urge to lean in and kiss him. Knows that this all needs to be on Charlie's terms, needs to be when Charlie is ready. And so yes, Finn wants to kiss Charlie – wants to do more than kiss him – but he's waiting, is letting Charlie make the first move.
"I suppose we don't really need to worry about my flexibility really though."
"We don't?"
"Well seen as though I don't swing that way and everything."
It's become kind of an inside joke between the two of them now, but Finn can't help but think that Charlie seems like he's hoping that if he says it enough then it might just come true.
"Yeah, I probably shouldn't be interested; I'd be an idiot to fall for my straight friend right?"
"Totally stupid."
"And you're not interested in me at all."
"Not at all."
Charlie's teeth catch on his lip slightly when he says that, and Finn has to resist the urge to grab his hand, stroke his cheek, just touch him in some way. It's so fucking difficult.
"That's a pity," Finn says, continuing before Charlie can interrupt him, "because if you did swing that way, and if you were interested then I would probably lean over and kiss you right now."
"You would?"
"Uh huh," Finn nods slightly, runs his hand over his head, "y'know, if I could."
"There's nothing stopping you now," Charlie says, a little bit breathless.
"Except for the fact that you don't swing that way right? I'm not really a big fan of trying to force my sexuality on other people, I've had other people try to do that to me enough times. And I suppose even if you did swing that way, I probably wouldn't kiss you."
"You wouldn't?" Charlie asks, unable to help sounding a little disappointed.
"Nope."
"Why not?"
"Cause even if you did swing that way, I'm guessing you'd be wanting to keep it pretty low key, I mean what with... everything. And so kissing you in a crowded place wouldn't necessarily be the best idea, I'd probably save it for your dorm room or something."
"You've put a lot of thought into this?"
"My fantasies run a little wild sometimes."
"Wild?"
"Occasionally there are some handcuffs involved," Finn tells Charlie with a wink.
"Handcuffs?"
"I mean I guess it's kind of kinky, but it's just something that occasionally crops up?"
"In a sexual way?"
"Why else would I be thinking about handcuffs?"
"You might have fantasises about me getting arrested or something."
"What every guy dreams of," Finn replies with a roll of his eyes, "a delinquent."
"I know right," Charlie agrees jokingly, "I think it's the orange jumpsuits, they just get me going every time."
Finn's eyes crinkle at the edges when he laughs. And Charlie is almost tempted to tell joke after joke, in the hope that Finn will keep on laughing and Charlie can keep on gazing at him without being caught.
It's difficult liking someone you're not allowed to, even more so when they look cute when they laugh. And when your eyes can't stop looking at them. And when they act as if the idea of the two of you getting together is inevitable. Liking Finn is difficult enough without everything else getting involved.
"Penny for your thoughts," Finn says, "they're worth a hell of a lot more than that but that's all I've got to offer you right now."
"Just thinking about life."
"Deep."
"Says the boy who was waxing lyrical about constellations earlier."
"Fair enough," Finn replies.
He edges slightly closer to Charlie and bumps their hips together. Head turning so their foreheads are practically pressed against one another, Finn can feel Charlie's hair tickling his skin.
"Wow," the sound of Eliza's voice is unmistakable, "I definitely feel like I'm interrupting something right now."
"You are," Finn says at the same time Charlie announces, "you're not."
Their gazes meet and Finn pouts as if to show his disappointment.
"We were totally having a moment," he says, "a broment even."
"Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?"
One of Eliza's eyebrows rises suggestively as Charlie begins to blush and stammer out an explanation. Finn is quite happy to just sit and watch on as Charlie attempts to explain whatever it was that was occurring between them.
Eventually though even Finn tires off Charlie's mess of stammering. So Finn places a hand over his mouth.
"I think that's enough," he says, his tone teasing, "Eliza doesn't care that much."
"No, you two have fun doing whatever you're doing," Eliza tells the pair of them, "just as long as you don't feel a need to tell me all the gory details."
"There are aren't any gory details," Charlie starts, "and we're not doing anything. We're just friends."
Finn would be hurt by Charlie's defensive tone if he didn't know why it existed.
"I'm just saying if there ever are any gory details I don't wanna know them," Eliza seems to realise that this is not something Charlie wants to be talking about and swiftly tries to change the topic of conversation, "so is there are a particular reason you're currently lying here doing nothing when I know the two of you both have like a billion essays due in for this week."
"We're terrible people with a passion for procrastination?" Finn suggests.
Charlie nods in agreement.
"And yet you're somehow still one of the smartest guys in your class," Eliza notes, "and Charlie's probably a secret genius too."
"Exactly," Finn says, only half joking, "when you're a genius you don't need to put in the effort."
"Finn."
"Okay so maybe I need to put in the effort but it's nice weather and there's a cute guy so surely I'm allowed a bit of a break?"
Both Eliza and Charlie ignore the cute guy comment.
"I'm not your mother," Eliza says, "you can do whatever the hell you want."
"You act like my mother, and I appreciate it, but chill Elle, lie with us."
"I don't want to interrupt your broment."
"You won't be," Charlie says at the same time Finn says, "you already have."
Eliza laughs at that as she settles down beside them.
The three of them sit for a while, making conversation and occasionally settling into moments of comfortable silence. The warm sun makes the afternoon feel like one made for laziness, it's the calmest Charlie has felt in a long time, the sun on his legs, sprawled out on the grass, body pressed against Finn's. The three of them are all lying down, words occasionally being tossed about, Finn humming current top forty tracks under his breath.
Somehow Charlie finds that his head are on Finn's legs, cheek pressed against his warm skin. When Charlie makes no effort to move, Finn sits up a little bit straighter, his hands tangling themselves in Charlie's hair as he runs his fingers through it. Occasionally brushing the pad of his thumb across Charlie's skin. Eliza raises an eyebrow but Charlie's eyes are closed and Finn ignores the look.
This is a moment that doesn't need interrupting.
Charlie wakes a few hours later, his head still on Finn's lap. But now Finn has a pair of glasses propped on his nose and paper is scattered around the pair of them.
"Hello sleepyhead," Finn says teasingly.
"I fell asleep?"
"Yep, and you snore. Loudly."
Charlie's cheeks flame in embarrassment.
"Just kidding," Finn quickly tells Charlie, "in fact you're rather cute when you sleep, although I don't know why I'm surprised, you're pretty cute all of the time."
Charlie ducks his head to hide his smile, and quickly attempts to change conversation.
"You're doing work," he observes.
"Yeah, I decided I better get some shit done so I asked Eliza to go get my stuff."
"You could have woken me up."
"You looked comfy."
"I was," Charlie tells Finn, offering the other boy a small smile.
"I'm glad."
Another small smile is offered from Charlie. And then he looks around, checks to see who's nearby.
"And I suppose," Charlie says, his tone nervous, "that I should probably find some way to thank you."
"You – You don't have to do that."
But Charlie ignores Finn's comment, presses a soft, tender kiss to Finn's lips before quickly pulling away with a satisfied smile on his face.
"Sorry," he murmurs, "I just kinda wanted to do that."
"Don't apologise," Finn replies, "feel free to kiss me any time."
"I –."
"I swear to god Charlie if you're about to tell me you don't swing that way I might actually cry."
"I... just... I don't know what to do."
"Come on," Finn stands up, tugging Charlie up with him, "I've pretty much finished what I needed to."
"Where are we going?"
"On an adventure," Finn says with a lopsided smile, "the final destination is currently kind of up for debate, but anyway the journey is usually much more fun than when you actually get there."
"Let's go for it."
They have to stop by Finn's room first to drop off all his work, Charlie stands awkwardly in the doorway as Finn packs everything away. It's not that Charlie feels uncomfortable going in, except for the fact that he kind of does, because it's Finn's room and he's never been in it before and there are so many things that he and Finn could do in Finn's room and he really should not be thinking about any of this except somehow he is.
"You ready?"
Predictably Charlie's cheeks heat, but for once Finn seems to have no idea why. He cocks his head to the side and his eyebrows knit together in confusion.
"Ye-yeah," Charlie says.
"Let's go then."
"Where to?"
"Wherever our feet take us."
Charlie raises his eyebrows in an unimpressed manner and pauses, reaching his arm out to stop Finn from moving.
"Where to?" He repeats.
"I heard that shop near the bookstore sells really good ice creams," Finn says, "so we could go get ice cream and then go up to the roof."
"The roof?"
"You know one of those things on top of buildings, there's one on top of the bookshop that we've been on before."
"I know," Charlie sighs, "I just, doesn't matter."
"So does it sound like a plan?"
"I suppose it'll have to do."
"Hey!"
"I kid, it sounds like a great plan."
Finn smiles like Charlie has just given him the best compliment imaginable. It reaches all of his features, makes his eyes glimmer and his cheeks dimple. It's moments like these where Charlie thinks about how easy it is to kiss him. Makes Charlie want to reduce everything to a simpler state, where he can ask himself, 'do I want this'? Rather than constantly asking, 'is this okay'?
They buy the ice cream without any problems. The both of them enjoying the last traces of summer as they cross the road.
"So," Finn says, "is there a particular reason why you think chocolate isn't the best flavour of ice cream?"
"Because I'm not four years old," Charlie teases.
Finn pauses licking his own cone of chocolate ice cream and looks up at Charlie with an unimpressed expression on his face.
"Chocolate ice cream is a timeless favour."
"It's overrated."
"You're overreacted."
"Great comeback there Finn."
"I try."
"Try harder," Charlie replies jokingly.
"You know I think you've got meaner since you arrived here," Finn says, as he pushes open the door of the bookshop and gestures to show they're heading up, to show that they're not planning on smearing ice cream all over the pages of the books.
"Oh," Charlie sounds slightly hurt and Finn quickly hurries to explain his words.
"It's not a bad thing, you just seem more confident. I mean you still stammer and blush more than anybody I've ever met but I don't know, you seem less nervous."
"I guess I'm just getting used to staying here."
"Have you been home yet?"
Charlie really does not want to talk about this right now. He knows that he has several missed calls from his Father, he knows that they're all asking him to come home soon. But Charlie really does not want to, and so he's holding onto the foolish hope that maybe if he ignores his father's calls for long enough then his father will forget about him. Maybe he'll never have to go home again. It's a hopeless hope though and Charlie knows it, and there's still a small part of him that wants to go home, his father is still his dad after all.
"No," Charlie says when he realises Finn is still waiting for an answer.
Finn doesn't press the issue further and for that Charlie is glad. Talking about his father with Finn is never fun. To Charlie it seems almost impossible that the two of them can both exist in his life, they're so different, it feels like they should live worlds apart.
"So," Finn says as they step outside, "the rooftop."
"Pity we can't stargaze this time," Charlie says, "I enjoyed that."
"We'll do it again one day," Finn promises.
Charlie quite likes the way that Finn is promising him something for the future, quite likes feeling that their friendship is going to last that long.
"Promise?"
"I promise."
Charlie is used to promises being broken. He's used to other people breaking them and he's used to breaking them himself but something about this promise that feels different. Maybe it's because it's Finn, maybe it's because Charlie's heart can't help but trust the other boy. Whatever it is when Finn makes the promise there's no doubt in Charlie's mind about whether or not he really means in.
"I'm really sorry," Charlie mutters.
"What for?"
It's hard for Charlie to explain, difficult for him to put all of his emotions into words. But he knows he needs to tell Finn exactly what he's thinking, exactly how he feels, else he risks everything falling apart. He's a poster boy for bottling up his emotions, but he knows how destructive that can be. Has learnt from past experiences that not explaining your motives, that lying about your feelings, can only lead you into a bad situation.
It's much easier to break someone's heart if you don't tell them that yours is breaking too. It doesn't make it any easier to look them in the eye while you're doing it though.
"I know I've been a shitty friend, and I know I should just make up my mind. And either stop kissing you or just tell everyone but..."
Finn interrupts.
"Don't apologise Charlie, you don't need to do any of that okay, I understand. Because yes I haven't been in your position, but I can imagine how scary it must be, I know how terrifying it is to think that you might be different from everyone else. And it can only be worse for you than it was for me. I don't need you to make a decision, I need you to trust me though."
"I do trust you."
"Do you really?"
"Of course," Charlie replies.
"Then can we make a deal."
"What kind of a deal?" Charlie's tone is wary and his eyebrows rise slightly, as if all that trust he said he had in Finn has suddenly disappeared.
"Nothing scary," Finn assures him, "just, every time you feel like kissing me, just promise me you'll do it. I'm not expecting commitment or anything like that; I just need to know that you're being honest with me and honest with yourself."
"Kiss you?"
"It doesn't have to be a big deal, just do it, and I'll never mention it again after it happens if you don't want me to. But you shouldn't deny yourself that."
"Who says I want to kiss you," Charlie teases, a smirk lining his lips.
"Maybe you don't," Finn admits, "but if you do, just promise me you'll do it."
Charlie has promised a lot of things in his life. Some he knew he was never going to keep, some he swore up and down he would and wanted to do nothing more. But Charlie constantly breaks them.
He doesn't intend on breaking this one.
"I promise."
Finn lets out a sigh then, and Charlie isn't sure why it seems to mean so much. But somehow it does, somehow the promise seems like taking a major step, seems like they've committed to something, although neither one of them really knows what it is. They're not really anything more than friends but at the same time it feels like they must be something more than that.
But maybe Finn's just Finn and Charlie's just Charlie. And together they're whatever the hell this all means. They're whatever they want to be, boys who kiss, boys who share secrets, or boys who are just friends, eating ice cream up on a roof above campus. Dreaming of summer days that have long since passed.
"You know I wish you'd talked to me more that summer after the party," Finn mutters.
"I was scared of you," Charlie admits, "you were my brother's best friend and I thought I was just some guy you randomly kissed at a party."
"I don't fucking know what you were," Finn says lightly, laughing ever so slightly, "fuck, I still don't. I'd wanted to kiss you for what felt like forever, every time I saw you, if you came over to ask Matthew something, I'd just get stupidly happy. And oh god Charlie, I promise this isn't as creepy as it sounds."
"It's fine," Charlie laughs.
"Well you can't really judge, you used to watch me all the time."
The cheeks redden once again, suddenly the ground has become the most fascinating thing ever.
"You interested me."
"How so?"
"You just want me to say so you can inflate your ego."
"So?"
"You know if you inflate it any further you won't be able to fit through doors."
"I'm sure I'll manage."
"I don't know," Charlie sighs, "you just interested me. You were cool, and popular, and funny, and charming, and confident, and just everything I wanted to be back then."
"I heard you were pretty popular after we left."
Charlie frowns, his brow furrowing.
"It wasn't all it was cracked up to be," he says, tries to pass it off as a joke, fails.
It's not difficult for Finn to pick up on the melancholy of Charlie's tone.
"You okay?"
"Do you ever feel like you've done something and you're never going to live it down, like you're never going to be able to forget about it."
"You didn't strip at prom did you? Cause we told you that would be a bad idea," Finn says teasingly.
Charlie doesn't smile.
"It doesn't matter," he says, trying to force his voice to be a little brighter.
It doesn't fool Finn though, who is slowly learning to see past Charlie's armour, to see through the cracks so he can look at the broken boy underneath. Charlie may be an expert liar, he's had years of practice, but there's something about the way Finn looks at him, that makes all the layers of protection he's built up slowly unravel. Like when he's with Finn he has no choice but to lay his heart out for inspection, has to let Finn cast a light on all his secrets.
Not this time though. Charlie can't let Finn know. There are some things that are better off left in the shadows.
Finn has learnt never to push Charlie too far. One misstep and he's more than aware that Charlie could go running back to the boy he used to be, and Finn really doesn't want that. And so he drops the conversation, and finds that he doesn't mind all that much. He knows that Charlie will tell him in his own time.
"I was thinking, you free Friday night?"
Charlie pauses briefly to think.
"I believe so. Why?"
"I'll probably have a shit ton of work to do, but once it's done you wanna have a movie night?"
"With the gang?"
"The gang?" Finn repeats teasingly.
"You know what I mean."
"No, I was thinking just you and me."
"Just you and me?"
"Is that a concept you're unfamiliar with."
"No," Charlie huffs, sounding slightly offended, "I just was clarifying that it would be just the two of us."
"Well I can confirm it will just be Finn and Charlie watching the film."
"Please dear god don't start talking about us in the third person."
"If it bothers you that much," Finn tries to sound disappointed but the smile breaking through on his face kind of gives it away.
"It really does," Charlie replies.
"Anyway," Finn says, leaning in so that he's almost whispering, "you never told me how you felt about a movie night."
"Yeah," Charlie's words falter ever so slightly, his nervousness is barely noticeable but Finn knows it's there, as if the thought of the two of them being alone is somehow petrifying, "that sounds good."
"You can say no you know."
Finn feels as if he ought to give Charlie an out. So that the other boy can change his mind, so that Finn doesn't feel like he's constantly forcing Charlie to do things he really doesn't want to. Finn seems to worry all the time that Charlie is only friends with him because he doesn't know how to say no.
"I know that," Charlie quickly tells Finn, "but I want to come round."
"Good."
Both boys duck their heads, stare at their shoes and refuse to meet each other's gaze.
"Good," Charlie replies.
Small smiles tug at both of their features. Finn thinks about how easy it would be to reach across and intertwine his fingers' with Charlie's, all he wants to do is reassure the other boy that he's there, that he's ready to do whatever Charlie wants him to do no questions asked. Finn doesn't expect anything and maybe that's why everything between them is managing to work out okay.
This way he's never disappointed.
It's not that he doesn't want Charlie to lean over and kiss him; he just knows that that might be a step too far. And so he's ready to wait, is ready to expect Charlie not to kiss him. It makes it even more exciting if he does.
Charlie meanwhile is thinking about how simple it would be to lean over and kiss Finn right now. How simple it would be if he didn't spend so long over thinking things and worrying. He really hoped that he could leave his Dad behind when he left home but somehow his father still seems to be lingering in his brain, a little voice telling him that everything he wants is wrong. You can't leave behind a part of your own conscience, no matter how much you might want to.
Taking a deep breath Charlie contents himself with threading his fingers through Finn's. And that gesture alone says more than enough.
It tells Finn that Charlie is there, that he wants whatever it is just as much as Finn does. It tells the other boy that there might be something between them, a tangible future rather than just talking about everything they might like to do together some day. And Finn knows that this is a suggestion rather than a promise, that holding hands doesn't necessarily translate into kisses, but today is the kind of day where the sun bathes you in hope, and everything seems just a little bit more possible.
And so they sit together, hands intertwined. And they chat about life and school and the universe and all of its secrets. Neither of them mentions the fact that they're aching to lean over and kiss the other, or the fact that where their skin touches there's an electric current passing through. Instead they make idle conversation, make the most of the sun, and try to keep their thoughts confined to their own minds.
"I really enjoyed today," Charlie says, around an hour later.
"The sun was nice," Finn says by way of agreement.
"We should do it again sometime," Charlie tells Finn, cheeks heating, "sorry that sounded stupid."
"It sounded fine," Finn assures Charlie, "we definitely should though."
And both of them know that they're just not talking about spending a day in the sun.
"Definitely," Charlie echoes.
Their gazes catch and both of them smile at each other. Charlie's is shy, Finn's is caught somewhere between amusement and affection.
"You know I'm really glad we became friends," Finn says.
"Me too."
"And I'm really glad we hung out at that party."
"I'm really glad you let me follow you around," Charlie jokes, "I would have been lost otherwise."
"Let you?" Finn repeats questioningly. "Fuck I was thrilled you were following me around."
"Seriously?"
"How many times do I have to tell you that I liked you back then?"
"About a thousand more times should do it."
"Well tough, you're gonna have to make do with what you've got."
Charlie sighs, a small smile tugging at his features.
"Well," he says, pausing slightly as if he's not sure whether to say what's on his mind, "I'm really fucking glad you kissed me."
Finn pauses, a giant smile spreading over his face.
"Me too."